I’m a charitable guy. I donate my free time to watching TV—and I do it benevolently, without being compensated by advertisers.

We’re all trying to come to terms with our mortality. Well, except for me, because I plan to live forever through the miracle of cloning.

This work is the link between my Dear Natalie piece and my upcoming Agatha work. It bridges that lapse in time and shows how my thinking has changed. It shows me telling a story through...

The topic of weather isn’t small talk, when you’re conversing with a meteorologist.

Most people have a list of 100 books to read before they die, or 100 places to visit. Not me. I have a list of 100 birthdays to see. No need to write them down,...

I’ll take a side of mashed potatoes—on the left side. And the right side.

I don’t like questions at all if they are anything like how I like my mashed potatoes: loaded.

I was crying on the inside, but on the outside, to the casual observer, and to the man who was dying, I was laughing. That man was my father, and I haven’t laughed that hard...

My toothpaste tastes like baloney, so I brush my teeth with wheat bread. Guess what flavor my love is, and what kind of mechanical apparatus I use to make it.

Dear Natalie,In a recent study conducted by jarodkintz.com, nine out of ten people were more likely to say yes when the salesperson wore pants. The curious thing is that the prospective customers were being sold...

I’m not afraid of death, I’m just not sure there is life after the honeymoon.

Everywhere I go, I’m second to arrive. My reputation precedes me, and sometimes it skips out on the bill.

I buy the most expensive trash bags, and the lowest quality products to consume and throw away. As a lover, I’m always thinking about the end user.

Life is is, while death is isn’t. Isn’t that also what you believe? Or is it what you believe?

Nothing says I forgive you like a punch in the face.

What is man’s shared IQ? And more important, how thick should my body armor be to protect myself against it?

Work hard or don’t work hard, either way your hair will turn gray. I should let you be alone while you die, slowly.

I’m thinking ahead to how I’ll be thinking back to me thinking ahead in this moment.

My stomach’s upset. I must have accidentally said something to insult it.

Sure, I’d fake my own death. But only if I had the following items: duct tape, seven slinkies, a parachute, and a mannequin that looked like me.

Do Not Enter.” No great mysteries are hidden there—it’s just a supplies closet.

My skull is soundproof. And thank God too, or else you’d be able to hear all the horrible things I’m thinking about you.

We drank coffee like two lovers, despite the fact that we were strangers separated by a window and about two hundred feet. Thank God for binoculars.

Some people think nature is their God. I’d like to apologize to all those people for pissing on their religion.

Tomorrow night I’m giving a lecture on silence and invisibility. Don’t be surprised if I don’t show up.

I left my phone number on a napkin, along with trace amounts of spaghetti sauce and garlic bread grease, hoping she’d call me. And when she didn’t, I panicked and filed a missing person’s report...

I’m Scissor Tongue when I’m with her, snipping out snippets of dialogue before I even speak them. Being in love is best when you’re silent.

I hate fake people. You know what I’m talking about. Mannequins.

I swallow my own lies with big gulps, as if quickly chugging the chance of getting caught. No lie makes man thirstier than a dishonest I love you.

As I was driving down Beach Blvd., I saw a building that said, “Self Storage,” and I thought, “I wonder if my ego could possibly fit in just one unit.

He didn’t fail to disappoint. He always succeeds at failing.

Like the Grand Canyon, I care deeply. Hop on a donkey and you’ll see how deeply I love you!

A brick could be used to sway the voters. But if you really want to sway them, try using a catchy song.

I run through all the positive character qualities in my mind, and assign myself a number from 1-10 on where I think I am on each. Surprisingly I score tens on each one until the...

It’s now 4:17 am, and I just got done dealing with Mrs. Indianapolis, of Indiana. She’s a regular here, and she accompanies her husband on all his business meetings. When I say business meetings, I...

A blanket could be used as a warm topping on a hamburger, sort of like processed cheese, only tastier and healthier.

I wish I could bottle up my penis and sell it at a garage sale. But first I need to get a garage.

Nobody can stop me. But only because I haven’t started yet.

A brick could be used like yellow sneezes hello every time love walks like a slinky down the stairs. Who used my shoe as a soup bowl?

A blanket could be used to make people smile. But the blanket won’t make just anyone smile—it will make people with no mouths smile. I plan on showing a live audience how it works at...

She has nothing but love for me, and I have nothing but nothing for her.

A brick could be used to build a future with me. Come, let’s start a life together.

Bricks could be used to fill my empty trophy cabinet. But first I’ve got to win them.

I built my ex wife a Castle of Love, and she dug a moat and filled it with sharks and lawyers. Oh well, at least I got to keep the unicorn.

To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that’s why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle.

Cats are living, breathing blankets. But a blanket, no matter how furry, cannot be used like a purrless cat.

Love is the only gift that’s acceptable to give away as soon as you get it.

A blanket could be used to spread the love around. Tuck it in at the edges, so nobody can hog all the amor.

Grandmother hates it when I do the “turkey dance.” Basically, I lather my naked body in gravy and then spaz out on the kitchen floor. She just doesn’t understand modern dance.

A blanket is a coffin, if the cops are after you and you have to dump a body quick.