Where is the pizza I ordered 33 minutes ago? I specifically called for pizza to be delivered. The pizza’s missing, and so is the delivery guy. I hope nobody finds his body in the woods,...

I don’t want to rail against modern railroad barons, because this is America, and I believe that I too will one day be wealthy.

If green is envy and blue is depression, then I’m feeling quite turquoise right now. But maybe with a little luck, I’ll feel teal a little later.

I had a dream about you. You were whispering in Van Gogh’s ear, which was in my pocket at the time, so people thought you were storing secrets in my pants. The NSA got jealous,...

Last night I slept like a baby. In a crib.

A vagina is a door to a new world,” I thought as I grabbed the handle and gave it a turn.

I don’t want to be tied down in a relationship, I want to be tied down during sex.

Love is seeing her smile as if it’s a sunrise. It’s beautiful, but geez, I wish she’d quit grinning at me while I’m trying to sleep.

I make friends as easily as water freezes in an active volcano. Remember: handshakes feel more natural if you leave your rubber gloves at home. Unless you enjoy networking in public restrooms.

Love doesn’t have form (aside from your naked body), but it does have a shape. The shape of love is circular, like a STOP sign.

At their core, things are essentially good. Except apples. At their core, they are trash.

A farm is a business, and I ran mine into the ground. The next year it grew back.

I wear brown shirts to protect against the combination of coffee and clumsiness.

I planted a tree. You’d think my neighbors would be happy for the shade it would provide them, but no, they said I planted it too close to their house. Since when is six inches...

Networking is like fishing. Just give some beer and a boat and I’ll be in business.

For Christmas I got new socks. I peeled them off a dead body.

We agreed to meet at 4. I meant AM and she meant PM, so we both just stood around thinking we’d been stood up.

The doors magically opened without the assistance of modern electronic devices. Instead, they cleverly employed doormen.

A brick could have been used as a father figure in place of my dad when I was growing up, because a brick may be dumb, but at least it isn’t dumb and interfering in...

I sat next to a salmon on the sofa. After ten minutes of bear-like conversation, it was dead. Oh well, at least surrealism is still alive.

I thought I was eating a candy bar, but it turned out to be a yummy burrito. I was both disappointed and appointed at the same time.

When I didn’t see a ghost, I knew I’d seen a ghost, because ghosts are invisible. This logic also lets me know when I’m in love.

Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go.

Two days ago, Tuesday at 10:10 am, I gave birth to a bagel. And God commanded me to slice up my only begotten bagel in two, and who am I to argue with God? So...

I watched a truck go up in flames. It was hauling cigarettes. It was the first tragedy I’ve ever smoked.

A smile is like a simile, if you have a mouth like a metaphor. That would make for like the best kiss ever.

I weigh more than I used to. I’ve been eating a lot of fast food, so I must have put on some muscle—without even working out!

I want to be the mayor of a small town. A small town I populated entirely with my seed.

Distributing unsolicited You’re Welcomes, it’s a thankless task. It’s almost as if people don’t want to see me at 4 AM as I knock on their doors.

I have a “Waiter, there’s a hair in my soup” dance. It involves platform shoes, a mustache, and a hair net.

I drink coffee like goats walk on tightropes. It’s fun to watch, but it sure would be easier if this monkey dressed like a cowboy would get off my back.

I’ll stab you with a pointy thingy. Not a sword, a knife, or even a mountaintop. No, I’ll use my index finger—and just to make a point about violence.

To get more liquids in my diet, I’ve started eating more soup and cereal. Anything that’s watered down, including my relationship.

A swimming pool full of coffee would be great to jump in first thing in the morning. After all, people often call me the Molly Brown of the Brown-water Bathtub. Also, I hate ice in...

LIberty is slavery. Or, well, you already know. P.S. Can you find my logo in the image?

The living have love for the dead, but the dead have no love for the living. I ought to know, because I’d like the steak—medium rare—mashed potatoes, green beans, and a salad on the side....

Coffee smells like how I imagine heaven will be scented. Would you like to spend eternity in my nose?

It’s a fact that when it comes to dating, men are all visual. Well, except blind men.

I speak the language of love. That’s right, I speak Russian.

His last name is either Groves or Graves or whatever the hell I wrote, trees or cemetery. We drank coffee like two people who should have been three.

She invited me out to dinner, and I declined saying I’m not a fan of big groups. She said it would be just us two, and I said, Like I said, I’m not a fan...

I want you Jarod.” I left alone that night. Come Sunday morning, I found out that she went home with Jarod Wheedlebreeder. I guess the bonds of Jarod aren’t as tight as I thought.

I use my windshield wipers when it’s not raining. I’m an umbrellaless pedestrian, and I can’t tell the difference between Starbucks’ coffee and a mud puddle in a cup.

When a fish kills another fish, it’s not fishing—it’s hunting. And when a woman kills a mermaid, it’s not fishing, it’s half crazy—from the waste down.

I’m tired of talking. I want you to extract my thoughts through my nostrils.

A writer edits his thoughts more thoroughly the more readers he has. You can tell I only have two readers, myself included.

Alcohol makes you do some crazy things, like speak openly of your love, fornicate with strangers, and occasionally commit murder. That’s why I stopped drinking. Been sober now for over three days.

To take another person’s life for personal gain is the most selfish act imaginable. Especially when that other person is your clone.

I put the yes in eyes. Except when I blink, because that’s definitely a no action.

From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.