If my house were burning down, the one thing I’d take with me is my vast collection of smoke. I consider smoke the souls of dead cigarettes my lovers have exhaled.

The best thing to do with a seven-year-old is wait until they’re eight to tell them to wait until they’re 18 to start living life.

I’d eat a mosquito to satisfy my hunger for an itch.

Sounds have smells. Your father smells, and he’s noisy.

I think people over the age of 6’2” look great. Just look at me! I was born in less than 19.82 inches.

I had a dream about you. You were two chickens away from being duck soup, and I was a fork and a knife shy of being able to eat you.

If you find semen in your beer, you’ll no longer have to wonder why I no longer have an erection. Love touches us all, like I touch myself.

I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink.

Is that a hairy snake around her neck? Looks like something a murderess would wear. It’s as if she’s broadcasting, Come here and cuddle with my cute, furry boa constrictor. Let me drape it around...

Being strong is not the same as being a strong being. I should know because cowardice runs in my family, as I always run from my fears.

Right now it’s 77 degrees—even if you’re a dyslexic.

The spotlight hides blemishes, and shadows hide from the brightness. When love shines down on you, you’ll be glad you purchased your Albino Survival Kit, available for sale starting at $99.99.

A sofa on an elevator would be like a slow roller coaster where you get to work on your small talk skills. Oh yes, I am an adrenaline junky.

I like wooden shoes—John Wooden. They are better for playing basketball. Nail them to the hardwood floor for increased shooting efficiency.

Sometimes to make no move is to make the wrong move. That’s how I fell in love with a statue. We just sat still and I formed a connection.

To stop a battle, a politician would propose a war.

Riding a bicycle makes you impotent. That’s why I carry a bicycle seat in my pocket—because it’s better than wearing a condom.

I shot a deaf man. And just to be sure, I used a silencer.

I once saw a snake having sex with a vulture, and I thought, It’s just business as usual in Washington DC.

If I saw you hitchhiking, I’d smile and return your thumb’s up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence.

After a lot of stalling and posturing, I finally admitted I had feelings for her. Most notably I felt anger and resentment, and a few less positive emotions.

Whether you’re a Democrat or a Republican, I think everybody can agree that politicians are crooks. But I don’t think politicians are thieves, because you can’t steal what you’ve been given. Once we stop giving...

A blanket could be used as an example for how you should make important decisions. Don’t give me a yes or a no now. Sleep on it and get back to me in the morning.

Love is the best feeling in the universe. Actually, that’s not true. But only because I haven’t been very many places in the universe.

How tragic! Even if the car suffered only a small dent, it makes me want to cry out to God in despair.

You don’t have the shadow volume to sit next to me in the sunshine of truth.

I think I have a strange thing growing out of my neck that causes me to think too much.

The devil appears in many forms, but the most nefarious of all are tax forms.

Stop a drunk driver and you stop a murderer—even if he hasn’t killed anyone yet. In all the alternate universes, the odds are he’s already killed—and will kill again.

Bricks could be used to promote social progress. If we could amass enough bricks to build a prison big enough to cage every citizen, then everybody would be equal. And I think our current political...

If I run for office, my political platform will be made of wood, and it’ll be made by the people.

A tie would make a stronger impression on your boss if you used it as a blindfold and kidnapped him. That‘s why I bought you a black one.

A blanket could be used to make magical music. And no, I’m not talking about sex and wailing orgasms, you pervert. That’s my sister you’re thinking about. And it’s particularly disgusting and disturbing because I...

Thinking of you,” and the picture was of my erect penis. I hope my local congressman got it OK.

Wisdom is knowledge plus courage. You not only have to know what to do and when—but you have to be brave enough to actually act on it.

When Jed comes in and gives you that look where his forehead wrinkles up and his chin drops so low that his baggy eyes can’t even look you square in your eyes, well, I guess...

At the potluck, I brought two dishes: knowledge and mashed potatoes and gravy. Guess which one got cleaned out and which one hardly got touched.

I’d rather make love to a robot than a politician, because it’d be more personable. Anyway, talking vacuum cleaners with flesh and suits freak me out.

I wouldn’t feel great if you left me alone, but I wouldn’t feel bad either. I’d feel good, like I always do, which has nothing to do with you, even if you’ll have nothing to...

People are so particular. Unlike animals, which can be lions, eagles, or sharks, people are only people. (Though some people can easily be mistaken for animals—namely politicians.)

I didn’t make two mistakes all day yesterday. I just made one long one that lasted 24 hours.

If I painted a dog statue to look like a cat, the people would pet it. But why paint that when I could paint politicians as honest, for-the-people people?

What’s blacker than black? Does summer shade have a shadow? Is that how loneliness looks and where it lurks?

It’s not gay to jack off, so how could it be gay to give your clone a handjob? If anything, it’s on-the-job training for a political career.

There are an infinite number of reasons to say no. Instead, try to focus on one good reason to say yes.

She said she’s so happy she could fly. I said, I’m glad you find those mechanical bird wings I made out of political rhetoric uplifting.

I’d rather count to one billion, than waste my time thinking I could count on you.

I love public speakers who give moving speeches—particularly if they bring boxes, packing tape, and dollies. The last local politician I heard speak was so moving that I took up residence in a new county.

I make an H2O alternative with my armpits. I left you a ten-gallon sample in your car, as a going away gift.

I believe in love like a flower bud might believe in Buddha. But, then, I’m a romantic, and you know that because in the last presidential election I voted for Grilled Cheese Sandwich.