I eat cereal with a hammer, because I operate with a government-level efficiency. Let’s build a smarter tomorrow—with a spoon.

I just bought a can of brown paint. It’s more expensive than coffee, but I really hit the wall after I chug it.

Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep, love is a feeling.

I wanted to sip my daily Starbucks coffee as I got to work early (no later than 11:00 am), have a late lunch (1:00-4:00), and work late (5:01) every day (except Thursdays and Fridays). I...

I type as fast as a ten-legged man who just had eight legs chopped off runs.

I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lover.

I walked to work. I paced up and down the bus looking for a seat. Next time I walk to work I’m getting on my treadmill.

Roasted Roadkill and Hitchhiker’s Surprise” (this recipe is a secret concoction handed down from my great grandfather to my grandfather, who told it to my dad just before he ran him over).

The ocean waves were choppy. Good thing I know karate and was able to fight back.

I’d rather have a career that utilizes my creativity, but torturing people all day long is not a bad gig. At least not for me.

Hemingway suggested you write the truest sentence you know. I say write the falsest one you don’t know. This is fiction.

Love will wreck your heart like a derailed train. So choo-choose your partner wisely.

This world is nothing more than fresh white underwear, and I’m going to leave my mark on it.

My name is Yogurt Vonnegut, and I write with a spoon.

I’m running from the very person I’m chasing, and this is how I know I’m in love.

USA was founded in 1776. Or so I was told. I wasn’t actually there, so I have to believe the history books—the same history books that are full of American propaganda lies.

flat” characters, are all maps. It’ll be a story about boundaries.

The only thing I could love more than you is two of you. And I suppose three.

Question for your life: If Ted Kennedy made it to heaven, do you think he’s pleased with the fact that Jesus can turn water into wine?

I like coffee tables. I’m into drinkable furniture.

Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called.

I am a man of action, like a statue of a guy running. In business, when a salesman and a customer race each other, both win.

Bestseller doesn’t necessarily mean good writer. I think it takes 10,000 book sales to make the bestseller’s list, and at about 9 dollars a pop for my book, if I had an extra $90,000 dollars...

I have a bedroom rug that I feed. It’s not very flat, and it meows when I step on it.

Love is a lot like bowling, I thought as I drove by a boarded up and abandoned bowling alley. Like the economy, I’ve made a full recovery since we broke up.

Love allows us to remember the joy, and forget the pain. That’s why I write things down, to help me remember.

Cats have the curiosity of a genius, while dogs have the intellect of a sack of manure covered in hair and mulch made from bark (so loud). Actually, that assessment isn’t quite fair. Sacks of...

Tomorrow I’ll be 24 hours longer than I am today. My love for you grows every minute, and pretty soon it will be 120 seconds tall.

He told me he was getting married, and I told him I approved of his upcoming divorce.

I want to get the words “Courage” and “Bravery” tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me.

I need to go to the grocery store because I’ve got nothing in my fridge but an old t-shirt, a pair of jeans, and a sweater (after all, it does get cold in the fridge).

My tears have such an aerodynamic shape that I drink them to help me run faster. I’m running away from relationships.

My workout partner is a cat. We nap together. He spots me a place, and keeps it warm, and then as soon as I spot him I go to him and cuddle.

However, my next-door neighbors had an entirely different manner of eating. When I’d go over there for dinner, it was buffet style, only a truly global sampling. Beluga caviar from Iran, with each individual egg...

The fire burnt down our House of Love. Our relationship didn’t work because I was the water, and she was the empty hose.

Love is meant to be felt, like a cat. I’m meowing for your affection.

Standing in the kitchen when you’re hungry is torture. That’s why I moved my fridge to my dungeon, where I keep the prisoners.

Liquid quotes are more drinkable. Make your writing as fluid as possible, so people can chug it in one tasty gulp.

Even a fool recognizes that there is great sadness in a bucket of tears. But only a wise man thinks to conserve water and use that bucket to wash his car.

Menus are sexist. I prefer the term womenu.

4 am—if I’m ever up that early, it’s because I’m up that late.

4 in 5 Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing, which begs the question: Are 1 in 5 Americans retarded?

Grandpa had a good life, up until the day we slaughtered him and ate him. Honestly, he raised chickens, so he should have seen it coming.

I didn’t chug the hairspray because I’m an alcoholic. I drank it to style my throat hairs.

For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be.

If man traveled as a centipede does, rather than with two self-interested steps at a time, more common ground would get covered.

If somebody wanted me dead, I’d try to convince them to wait 25 years, for technology to arrive, so they can go kill my clone. It’s a win-win for me and them, but not for...

Dear 30 years old, why are you stalking me? Please leave me alone or I’ll be forced to alert the authorities.

Orafoura doesn’t know shit about what I said, said Orafoura, quoting The Mythical Mr. Boo to me about the shit that’s been said about him.

I always carry a spoon in my pocket. You know, just in case it rains.