I always wear my seat belt when I drive a point home.

I fight with the strength of many lion meows. I love even more ferociously.

Rembrandt painted portraits, The Karate Kid painted fences, and I paint my toenails. But I’m not a snob, I still consider those other two guys to be artists.

In a recent Gallup poll conducted in France while riding a horse, two out of three sweaty Frenchman (there were only three people surveyed) stated that my armpits are the greatest thing since Louis XVI....

The radio signal was scrambled, and so were my eggs. I got tired of eating commercial breaks for breakfast.

My favorite color on canvas is nudity.

I’m in the Just Under A Decade club. That’s how long it took me to get a four-year degree.

Empty packets of hot sauce remind me of the love I used to have for her. Now all I’m left with is this yummy taco.

Wrong Way,” and I thought, I agree. So I turned around and went home.

Falling in love should be natural, like the food at Moe’s. Baby, I am so hungry for you, even though I know queso costs extra.

Strive and thrive on high fives. Oh sure, I’d rather eat a round of applause, but when you’re starving you’ll eat anything. Even still, I’d rather eat a bucket of boos than anything from McDonald’s.

I talk about talking like I listen to listening—in a room with mirrored walls that makes me appreciate the infinity that is God.

Fish strips—where food meets getting naked. My love is also nourishing and nude, and if you want to see it, you’re going to have to get in line with the rest of the starving perverts.

I wonder if rooms in an insane asylum have Do Not Disturb signs for the doors. I should hope not, because knock or no knock, every occupant in those rooms is already disturbed.

I have a chip on my shoulder. It’s a nacho, not a sense of bitterness.

I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.

I’m looking for a full-time portable heat generator. Must be willing to travel. If you don’t snuggle, you must cuddle—at a world champion level.

I want to be happy and sad at the same time. Yeah, I know it sounds sappy.

Love is about forgiveness. And since I love you, you should forgive me.

I just designed the world’s most inefficient no. It’s modeled after a downward sloping maybe.

I have aspirations of becoming the first man to put on a chicken suit, cross the road, and then explain my motives for doing so. I guess you could say that right now I am...

A brick could be used as a trophy at your company’s annual award ceremony. It’s a way to save money while making pride and applause at the same time.

Hungry and thirsty? Soup solves both problems at once. My love for you is starved and dehydrated, and all I need is one spoon.

I stepped on the bug to prove I love her, and show that I’d kill for her. Is there really any mystery as to why the guy she was talking to before me just disappeared...

A brick could be used to help define your rigid beliefs. I put my beliefs to bed, along with the hooker I rented for the night.

You will love me or I will sentence you to life in prison.

When the lights are about to burn out and start flickering, it’s like I’m blinking without blinking.

A brick could be used in a heart transplant operation. And for just $25,000 more dollars, that brick could be switched with a real or artificial heart.

I’ll tell you what I can do, but I’ll tell you silently and invisibly, because honestly, there’s nothing I can do. And what I can do is love you.

Murdering a mute to silence him is overkill.

A brick could be crushed into powder, like cocaine, and snorted to stimulate the previous highs of the housing market.

My wife loves me for me, and hates me for her.

People say the sun is too bright. I say the sun is too silent. And that’s saying something, considering I’m a Helen Keller fan.

A blanket could be used to store valuable information that will keep future generations warm overnight. And just so you know, it wasn’t me that farted in the blanket. That’s a bit too much information,...

I hear phonetically on the phone. Toiletries sounds like toilet trees to me.

Don’t tell me your name. If you don’t tell me your name, I can’t hurt your feelings by forgetting it.

A brick could be used as a Red Beard Replacement, for those of us who can’t grow facial hair, but desire the respect a beard brings.

When congratulations are in order, I like to wait until they’re out of order to offer a high five or enthusiastic pat on the back.

Secret to life: When you succeed, let it go and don’t dwell, and when you fail, let it go and don’t dwell.

A brick is blocking my urethra. But it’s not painful, because my penis is just that big. Oh yes, it’s as big as this lie is.

I’m not in the City of Love, but I am in love. That’s why I look like I’m crazy, because being crazy is a prerequisite to being in love.

When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll be speeding off in the getaway car.

Several famous people have licked my nipples. Well, indirectly. First they licked the stamps, and then I peeled them off the letters and stuck them on my nipples.

Noise soup. I just made it. Taste it with your ears.

A brick could be used to replace the brother you never had. Well, it’s only a possibility, but you probably won’t like it, because as soon as your parents gain another child, you’ll quickly find...

A blanket could be used to create another way. There is no other way but to make another way. We simply must!

I am the Anagram of Love. I’m not evil, but I am evol. I guess this also makes me the Palindrome of Love!

Bricks could be used to make a billion dollars. It’s easy! All you need to do is fill up a shopping cart full of bricks, park it outside of a grocery store, and wait for...

A blanket provides warmth. So does the joy a good joke brings.

I’m famous for my Shepherd’s Pie. Here’s my recipe: lamb, potatoes, cheese, peas, paprika, and a wool-covered apron for the chef/shepherd/wolf-like politician to wear while serving the sheeple up.