If girlfriends were knees, I’d love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it’d be easier to run around on them.

I’ve got better things to think about than thoughtlessness.

A blanket could be used to let the world know how serious you are. I’m serious, it could work. Try wrapping your naked body in a blanket and showing up to a job interview and...

The road to hell isn’t paved with gold, it’s paved with faith. Faith in a dollar that’s backed by a belief that people have faith in other people’s belief in it.

A brick could be used to help you become the next Great American Novelist. Hopefully after you use it to crack your own skull, and not too long after your death, the public will realize...

Bricks could be used to stock vending machines. You may be out of a home, but I’ll never be out of bricks to sell you.

I want to remember our fallen heroes. And after I’ve spent a day remembering them, I want to extend my arm and help them up.

A brick could be used to stop people from reading my book. Just place the brick on the book’s cover, to discourage people from opening it up.

A blanket could be used to separate the winners from the losers. With the exception of me, all men are losers, and only the winners are allowed under the blanket. Sorry, fellas, but there is...

To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that’s why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle.

Cats are living, breathing blankets. But a blanket, no matter how furry, cannot be used like a purrless cat.

Love is the only gift that’s acceptable to give away as soon as you get it.

A blanket could be used to spread the love around. Tuck it in at the edges, so nobody can hog all the amor.

Grandmother hates it when I do the “turkey dance.” Basically, I lather my naked body in gravy and then spaz out on the kitchen floor. She just doesn’t understand modern dance.

A blanket is a coffin, if the cops are after you and you have to dump a body quick.

A wife is a friend first, a lover second, and third and probably most important, a maid.

very” while yawning.

I think someone should invent an edible remote control, to go along with TV dinners.

A brick could be used as a hammer, which frees up the hammer to be used as a sex toy. The only question is, Which end will you insert? If you’re a politician, I’d recommend...

There’s a new wine I want to try. I heard about it through the grapevine.

Do either a brick or a blanket have Buddha nature? The answer is yes and no and maybe, in a Triangle of Truth where there is no is, and there is no isn’t.

Question for your life: If love existed an octave above where your vocal range ended, would you buy a dog whistle to get my attention?

A brick could be used as a symbol for the kind of life I’m trying to build. The question now is, what kind of life am I trying to build? Well, I guess I want...

Yes, fruits and vegetables are healthy. But you want to know why I eat them? Revenge.

A brick could be used as a patsy in a murder plot.

I am greedy with water. I made your apology tea dry. I’m sorry. You might try snorting it out of the bag.

I built my marriage brick by brick. And I destroyed it blanket by blanket.

I feel like having another thigh and calf would give me a leg up on my competition.

If the government really wanted to stimulate the economy, it should distribute Viagra and coffee.

I think it would be funny if some guy walked into a house and said he just stepped in shit. Then he’d ask other people to look at the bottom of his shoes as he...

Right now is the youngest I’ll ever be, so I suppose I’d better act immature while I still can.

My belief is that during conversations, it’s not so much what you say, it’s how you say it that matters. What’s being heard is secondary to what’s being seen, as body language leads the discussion...

I just took a little nap. I stole it from an infant.

I am the burrito in the taco. Hold your skepticism, and the lettuce.

Her golden hair moved like a hundred moths, all trying to saturate themselves in sunlight, while his hair was spiked like cleats, and he wore a shoe for a hat. He said it helped him...

I love you because I love you, and if you don’t like it you can use my circular logic as a noose and hang yourself.

She burst in the door, I burst into song, and he burst into flames. Our love triangle turned into dinner for two featuring roasted marshmallows.

If love were a color, it’d be transparent, like all women’s clothing should be.

I want to be my own wedding singer at my own wedding. But first I’ll have to audition.

Erin runs errands, and Aaron runs around on her behind her back while she’s out. He’s such a philanderer he should get a Nike contract.

Never sit on a freshly painted bench, or stand on a wet wall. That’s a lesson in love I had to learn the sideways way.

I live for the moment and love for eternity. I mean I’d like to, but I’m too impatient for either.

If you were to ask me if I have ever loved a woman, I’d probably reply, “Two gallons of milk and a midget.

I want to be the guy who the guy you admire admires. I hope his name is Guy, because I admire M.C. Escher.

I have a good ear for music, just like Van Gogh had a good ear for art.

I wish I had a body like fog or mist, and could move mysteriously. But genetics being what they are, I’m stuck with a body like haze.

If my clone were a painter, he’d be an impressionist.

Your life is a collection of body parts that could be used to save many people. And you’re not doing anything. What are you doing with your life that’s so important? Come on, let’s dissemble...

I cross country ski on conveyer belts covered with shaved ice. People trying to check out at the grocery store need to show more respect for serious athletes.

Couples should be able to share their dreams with one another. That’s why for just $69.69, you’ll like what I have to sell you. It’s not just one tube and two suction cups you each...