I make love like a mannequin mimicking a statue, only with less movement and more grunting.

I once got 7th place in a swim meet. Being top 8 is an accomplishment, especially when you consider that including me, there were seven competitors.

I think coffee is the best drink known to man. I also think that wine is the best drink known to woman.

I had a dream about you. You were naked, alone, and a mannequin, and I was a tailor named Taylor. You fell in love with me, even though you knew I only wanted you for...

How do you know you are who you are? How do you know you’re not simply a clone of who you think you are?

Which half do you want me to cut in half, Mr. Halfofhalf? The name’s Onequarter. Johnny Onequarter. And don’t you forget it.

Every sex noise can be converted into a note and frozen in a can of soda. Ask me about menstruation music today!

My father went AWOL the day I got dishonorably discharged from his penis.

I told her she should come back to my place because it’d just won sixth place in the Living Room Olympics, and sixth place is like double bronze.

The difference between you and everyone else, is everyone else. And that’s a lot, so you should feel special.

People think I’m all gloom and doom all the time. I’m not. I also have bad days where I’m pessimistic.

The schizophrenic in the sleeping bag with a live chicken and a can of tomato soup spilling onto the sidewalk had no right to steal my street performance.

Can you ever really say you know anybody—your clone included? Still, if my clone’s birthday were coming up, I’d only shop Buy One Get One Free deals.

Love spends more time washing its hands than it does pissing in the kitchen sink. Remember that next time someone locks themself in your bathroom for the duration of the football game.

My friend fell in a pool, so I brought him to the hospital in a bucket. Half of him splashed out when I peed in it. I tried to save him, but I’m no Ryan...

I’m a thief, because I stole her heart. That’s so cheesy that I had to end it with nachos.

You did. You shot me in the leg. But you can’t kill love that easily. And today you’re going to learn how deadly Love can be.” That was over four years ago, and I’m still...

If you just found out you had six months left to live, the first thing I’d do is apologize for not delivering the letter 182 days ago, when your doctor first handed it to me...

I remember her words about remembering my words, and that’s when it hit me: the quickest way to scalpel open a heart is with a declaration of love.

I fish for rain, but I only ever seem to catch snow.

Rich mahogany wood was used to construct the bookshelves, and the floor is also hardwood of the same deep tone. Copper trim was used to accent the wood, and the only place to sit is...

My gas tank is empty, and my stomach is empty, but my heart if full—of love. However, per gallon, I think I paid too much.

Sometimes I’ll be walking along, thinking, and I’ll kick up some dust and I’ll say, Whoa! That makes sense, and I’ll have just had an epiphany, and then forget all about it because I’ll get...

I watched the sunset from the comfort of my bathtub, which has a clear bottom so I had an unobstructed view.

After a few years of not talking, I tried reaching out to my father, but by that time he was already a few inches beyond my outstretched fingers.

My baseball team is called the I Ams. Just me and my clones on the roster. We’re devastating. Well, at least I am.

Her last name was Purchase, and I was sold. I tried to buy, but as there was only one of her, she was OUT OF STOCK. Better luck tomorrow.

If I met a man who had eleven sons, the first thing I’d ask is, Are they all yours? And of course the next question I’d ask is, which one plays quarterback and which one...

Love me for me, not for how much I resemble my clones, or how handsome they are, or how brilliant they are, or how much you want to have sex with all of them, at...

Squeeze out the competition—with hugs. I’m giving out FREE hugs while samples last. After that I’ll have to charge an arm and a leg—or maybe just two arms.

I should name my future son after an orgasm sound. Not mine—his mother’s. It’d be silly to name him Eek, after my orgasm sound, because that’s his uncle’s name, and that’d be too confusing.

It’s a lie. There isn’t safety in numbers. But there is safety in letters. There are only 26 letters, and yet they are more powerful than an army of infinite men. Show me a man...

If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal. I would pour you a large glass of Michael Phelps, but I don’t have that much water.

Have you been waiting in this line her whole life?

Winter and spring blended together this year like ice in water, and I was left thirsting for love. I’d better lay off the saltine crackers.

We made love like two Inuits make love like two popsicles, and then we went back to our cold lives. That was the best summer of my night.

You won’t ever catch me wearing an oven mitt, because what’s wrong with a regular condom? If I’m wearing an oven mitt, I’m too late, because you’ve already got one in the oven.

The essence of courage is timing. Take me, for example. I’ll show up to fight anybody, anywhere. I’ll just show up a day late.

My Love Machine is tough. It’s built like a tank. At night I’m romantic and so Sun Tzu I’m Moon Tzu. Come, let me make you howl.

Is there a word halfway between hello and goodbye? Because that’s the word my soul is trying to say.

I killed my clone and I hid his body behind every mirror I’ll ever step in front of. I’m always surprised to see him, and I never fail to brush his teeth or gaze at...

If my name were Oscar, I’d want to be an actor and win my namesake award and take back my identity.

I’d rather coin a few words than coin a few quarters, nickels, or dimes.

One brick is not a wall. Unless you’re an ant, and then it’s not only a wall, it’s a building—a building that has no doors, windows, or people in the form of managers that I’d...

My facial features smell as rugged as a rose looks. Isn’t my nose the most romantically smelling thing?

I would rather save a few seconds than a few cents. I hope you don’t mind, but I’m saving them in your sofa cushions.

yes” in eyes. Except when I blink. Blinking is definitely a no action.

I want to invent a portable sink. It won’t be small, but it will be the size and shape of a car. (Best not to park it in your kitchen).

There are two identical twins, and one has money and one doesn’t. Which one is more attractive to women? Exactly—the one that is naked.

On my first date with Agatha, I wore tight green Spandex, which made my skinny legs look like asparagus. Knowing no heterosexual woman could resist such a temptation, I set out to seduce her.