I floated like driftwood in the ocean. I wasn’t worried about sharks, because my bathtub is much too shallow.

A brick could be placed in the trunk of a car manufacturer’s competitor, to increase the odds of decreasing their fuel efficiency.

I’m so silent I can hardly hear myself think. But that’s why I bought the scissors and the condom.

Why would the US try to win a war? War is an assembly line of death that is highly profitable for politicians and weapons manufacturers. An ongoing war is a conveyer belt of cash. Once...

A brick could deliver the zeitgeist through the thick skull of a politician faster than any letter or email.

I crammed six years of silence into sixty seconds, held frozen and firm with an icy stare.

I need your help. Hold this water balloon while I pee in it.

A brick could be used in a smash and grab. Well, at least in the smashing aspect. A blanket would be more suited to the grab role.

I know she is going on vacation, so I knitted her a sweater. It matches the bathing suit I knitted her, and it’s as revealing as my feelings for her.

I’ll work hard to win fame and recognition from the public, and then I’ll work hard to remain anonymous and unrecognizable and become as private as a hermit. I’ll be hermaphroditic with my notoriety, embodying...

A brick could be used to raise my spirits. I’m feeling low right now, low by about three inches.

Last night the secrets of the universe were revealed to me, and they had nipples.

My hero’s hero is not necessarily my hero, unless my clone’s hero is my clone’s clone.

Bury the truth, along with the bodies of the disbelievers.

When my internal voice goes external, and I’m in a noisy crowd, I can hardly hear myself think.

I didn’t call her, but the phone works two ways. So does my love.

A brick could be used as a cube. No it couldn’t. If you thought it could, you need to be punished. I’m going to recommend to the high school principal that you be forced to...

A blanket could be used to stop the bleeding. But dammit you’re going to have to hurry, before I bleed out all over the carpet.

A burial should be more than a fire pit, arena seating, and a squirming politician strapped to a pile of wood. There should also be marshmallows.

Rhode Island knows, but is Del aware?

A blanket could be used to help my career. Things have gone cold in this economic depression, so anything to help warm things up would be most welcomed.

In the long run, a treadmill’s a great investment.

How do new watches catch up with old watches that have had more time to get a head start? This is what I pondered while I waited on her to fall in love with me.

I got ran over by a marathon runner. It was a hit and run.

People used to tell me that when I smile I really warm up the room. Well, the moment someone told me about global warming I frowned, and in that exact moment it started to snow....

There’s nothing special about politicians as people. Now as animals, they’d be extraordinary for their ability to be intelligent enough (barely) to be potty trained.

I don’t want to adopt your ideas, I want to give birth to them.

I unstrapped her bra like I’d unstrap a seat belt, and for the same reason—to live dangerously. And to exit the vehicle.

Have a great night.” Plus, he was as blind as Helen Keller was deaf, so to him day was night.

Our love is secret, like the location of the lost Templar Treasure. Quick, grab a shovel and help me look for it.

We made love like two coiled up fire hoses. When there’s no fire in the romance, why not act like a couple of sleeping snakes?

I threw out my sausage, and replaced it with a healthier penis metaphor, like a cucumber.

One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date.

No decision has been made,” it’s a lie—because I have decided to remain undecided.

Jarod Kintz Day—it’s not just my birthday, but it should be a holiday that’s mandatory to celebrate, punishable by death if you don’t. It’ll be a holiday that honors freedom.

Three people are interviewing for a job. The first thinks his odds are 33.3 percent of landing the job. The second guy, so sure of himself, thinks his odds are 100 percent. The third guy,...

People say, How could God allow helpless children to die? While I look around the world and see corruption, pollution, filth, lies, deception, poverty, and heartache, and I say, Gee, how come I wasn’t lucky...

I make my own luck, and I make it in a pot. Then I bring it to potlucks.

Some people sleep their lives away. But I also want to sleep death away. If I sleep long enough, maybe death will think I’m already dead and pass me by.

I’ll buy your product and then return your product, and tell you to keep my money, so it feels more like a business transaction, rather than charity, which induces feelings of indebtedness on the end...

I think it would be funny to dye somebody’s pool red and then throw dead fish in it. And before you run out of there, you could leave a stone tablet with these words etched...

Too many people talk about the weather, and not enough people talk about agriculture. When somebody says to me, “Beautiful weather we’re having,” I always reply, “Irrigation and crop rotation.

A stick won’t stick to a wall, so why is it called a stick? Likewise, why aren’t love and ghost the same word? Both are dead and invisible.

I don’t know where, but I know how and why. Two out of three out of six ain’t bad.

Dead men’s fingernails make lovely shallow-grave shovels.

I talked so much about my product that I sold myself. I bought the very thing I was selling, and I think I overpaid.

After my first coaching experience, the field looked more like Gettysburg than a normal defeat. But it wasn’t that bad, as only about half my team lay dead, while the rest were merely dying.

I need love. Here’s a list of other things I need: eggs, butter, flour, and sugar. I’m making a cake for the woman I love—and another one for my lover.

It’s a new subject to me, and I’m just starting to get confused. The middle is the muddle, and the end is enlightenment. The subject is love, and the end is death.

I like to keep a shotgun in my room for protection. You know, just in case my apartment gets broken into by a pack of deer, which is something I’m constantly worrying about.