Friends, like fingers, are only good if you can count on them, as well as point them in the right direction.

I can’t work well when I am under stress. It reduces me to normalcy. Stress is my kryptonite. And I usually don’t change in phone booths, though I do take long distance showers there.

I ate a rainbow in a bowl, because it’s better than eating rain soup. Food and water aren’t supposed to be one and the same.

It’s hard to find friends I can trust. Most end up either getting shot, stabbed, or I have to tie them up and toss them overboard in the Atlantic Ocean.

I’ll kill you with kindness. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll kill you with something deadlier, like a karate chop.

If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity.

I treat strangers like friends, friends like family, and family like strangers. And I make love like a cup of coffee that likes a cup of tea.

The number I had for her didn’t work. But in this depression, could you blame it?

Mosquito snobs sit on STOP signs trying to get out all the red.

My subconscious is like the ocean, only deeper and less polluted.

Our love meant the world to me. Well, certainly a globe at least.

A brick could be used as a middle name. But who’d be dumb enough to do that, when it would clearly make a better first name?

Thanks to my grandpa, I can go to France and not be visiting Germany. He single-handedly won WWII (he only has one hand).

I don’t trust you.” I’ll tell you, it’s like looking in a mirror when you make eye contact with your clone.

I told you I didn’t want to go. Of course, I really did want to go, but I just said I didn’t want to go so you’d beg me to go and I could feel...

Accepting your help, I’m not doing it for me—I’m doing it for you. You need to help me more than I need your help, so I’ll help both of us win and take, take, take.

We Do.” My tagline will be: We at We Do do what we do so you don’t have to.

Error is to err, as blanket is to blank.

What’s with the zombie craze? Zombies are half alive, half dead, right? Sounds like my wife in bed.

I had a dream about you. We were discussing trade routes and power supply logistics when all of the sudden we realized that a dragon could provide both transportation and a fiery energy source. So...

A brick could be used as a comb, if you’re bald and have no hair.

Kids should be cute, caring, cuddly, and above all, quiet.

I don’t have any upper body strength, but that matches up perfectly with my lack of lower body strength.

A brick could be used as a bottle opener. Just don’t smash down too hard, or you’ll shatter the bottle.

A new poll found that 84% of American people were disgusted by Congress, and my only thought is, Are 16% of Americans insane? If they’re not disgusted, they should eat a bowl of vomit soup....

I wouldn’t want the guests at my birthday party confusing my celebration with the Oscars. That’s why I’m having the awards ceremony after we eat cake and I open my presents.

A brick is a banana. No it isn’t. Still, I think you should eat it anyway.

I can be a better friend, lover, and humanitarian, but I can’t be a better eggroll. Sadly, I’m as good of an eggroll as I’ll ever be.

The lunchmeat fell on the floor, and I didn’t know what to do, so I wiped it off on the bottom of my shoe and served it to my boss. Ah, but that’s life, no?

I fell in love with her that day. I realized it when someone told me it was Tuesday.

I run my household like a marathon. That’s 26.2 miles of me taking orders from my significant other, who has significantly more control over the relationship than I do.

Your food’s not getting cold. I’m keeping it warm in my stomach. Dinner’s on me tonight.

He graduated law school, but he didn’t pass the bar. No, he stopped in and got drunk.

He was dashing. He wasn’t handsome—he was running.

Just because your plate is empty, doesn’t mean your stomach is full. Same with love. Where’s the Romance Buffet?

I tie my smile like a shoelace.

A tree has leaves like man has hair. Some men go winter in the summer, and other men, like me, like skiing on skin.

My penis smells like pasta. Also, I personally tested it out, and your spaghetti’s not too hot now, if you want to eat it.

Different people have different ideas. We need to kill them—the ideas, not the people. The people we just need to torture.

Seeing that the pizza slice came to a point, I picked it up and tried to stab my attacker with it. When you’re in love, you’ll do whatever is necessary to protect that person from...

I collect the most valuable thing in the world—free time. But unlike other priceless things, I don’t need a safe to keep it safe, because I keep all my free time in the past, where...

That night when we made love, she saw a side of me she’d never seen—the left side.

The summer temperature outside was 45 degrees, so I turned 45 degrees and went right back inside. It was so cold outside because that’s where all her love for me was.

What does it matter if you can speak two or more languages if you have nothing original to say in any language?

The race is long, and I am sprinting. If I ever see her again, I’ll probably be too out of breath to tell her I love her.

I want to be like air. Invisible, yet everybody needs me in their life.

I asked her to wear something revealing, so she showed up in a prophet’s toga.

I buried the lasagna, because it was better than disposing of a dead body. I’ve been burned in a relationship, but never in an oven. I’ll try harder.

My sheets are so white they look like Google’s homepage. They even have a touch of red on them, from that double homicide back in December.

Write your goals down on a sheet of paper. That way you can easily flip the page over and ignore them.