A brick could replace the cardboard bill on a baseball cap. On a windy day, no gust will knock your hat off.

I’ve lived in Jacksonville for—not sure, I get Jacksonville and Paris mixed up. I’ve never been to Paris.

I stepped on the bug to prove I love her, and show that I’d kill for her. Is there really any mystery as to why the guy she was talking to before me just disappeared...

When some Jeff tries to be other Jeffs, ain’t no Jeffrey in the house to be found smiling. Also, there are no Jeffries in this house.

Why have you left me, Yesterday? Was it because I slept with Today? I have a routine. Every day I do something different.

When the lights are about to burn out and start flickering, it’s like I’m blinking without blinking.

I always wear gloves, so at any moment I could commit a crime and not be worried about fingerprints. Plus, it saves on buying hand sanitizer.

I hate when women give me that look. That overlook.

Murdering a mute to silence him is overkill.

A brick could be used to keep your sandwich pressed down, so your meat doesn’t spill out.

Love is tender, like the pot roast I’m keeping warm in my shoes.

People say the sun is too bright. I say the sun is too silent. And that’s saying something, considering I’m a Helen Keller fan.

A blanket could be used to keep your body warm. After all, your body starts cooling off rapidly once you die. But don’t worry, I’ll bury you someplace quiet, someplace sacred, someplace so secret the...

I told the waitress I wanted some coffee. She asked if I wanted leaded of unleaded, so I had to leave the restaurant, because I quit drinking gasoline years ago.

Don’t tell me your name. If you don’t tell me your name, I can’t hurt your feelings by forgetting it.

A brick could be duct taped in front of your eyes, like a blindfold, so you can have that feeling of hitting your head against a brick wall all the time.

I got offended when she laughed, because she was showing pleasure, but she was also showing displeasure—in all the previous moments where she hadn’t laughed.

Secret to life: When you succeed, let it go and don’t dwell, and when you fail, let it go and don’t dwell.

A brick could be used like Dracula uses binoculars. I swear that pervert peeps on me every night from the tree across the street.

If I were alone with my clone, and we were enjoying each others’ solitude, I’d have finally have met a man with whom I could hold a conversation consisting entirely of the repetitive response, “Yes,...

When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll be speeding off in the getaway car.

I carry all of my childhood memories in my mind. But maybe that’s not the best place for them. Well, you’ve got some extra space in your closet. Do you think I could store them...

Karate, I get a real kick out of it. I would get a kick out of coffee, but I’ve got better ways of stirring, like renting Michael Phelps’ 400 IM time.

A brick could be used to replace the brother you never had. Well, it’s only a possibility, but you probably won’t like it, because as soon as your parents gain another child, you’ll quickly find...

His last name was Morris, but I called him Mars, because it’s like he was from another planet, like Venus. He was a cross dresser.

It’s been said that 1 in 4 people have herpes, and everyone has 4 grandparents, so let’s be honest, your grandmother is probably a dirty skank.

Bricks could be used to make a billion dollars. It’s easy! All you need to do is fill up a shopping cart full of bricks, park it outside of a grocery store, and wait for...

Despite marking the spot, Generation X has no treasure. How could they, when I dug it up first?

I’m never lonelier than when I’m in a crowded room, talking to nobody, awkward and isolated, trying to decide how to stand so I don’t appear as if I want to start Roger Bannistering a...

A brick and blanket could be used to turn my words around like backwards high heels on my tongue .

I didn’t shave my mustache off. Instead what I did was taped Elton John’s asshole to my top lip and then all of the sudden I had twice the dick in my mouth as before....

My reputation precedes me. It shows up about fifteen minutes before I do, eats, and then leaves without paying or tipping.

It’s the same with cell phones. I never answer them up to my ear. I always put it on speakerphone and hold it six to eight inches away from my brain. Here’s an example of...

To show the football coach I was ready to play tight end, I wore no pants and had a Q-tip dangling out of my ass.

Don’t breathe on my voice, I yelled through my ears. But who’s there to listen, when you’re all alone and wearing earplugs. It’s true what they say, even if they say it silently—love is Helen...

Being alive means living fully extended. Like Orafoura’s cousin, who is 2.5 inches tall, but has a five-inch penis. You can’t say that’s average, because how many people do you know whose penis is twice...

You know what’s a chain reaction? The direct relationship between how fast I pedal, and how fast my bicycle travels. I’m the kind of lover who notices the small details, like the fact that my...

Last night I stayed up late talking about tomorrow, and today I regret it because I was way off (by about 24 hours).

I wash my hair with strawberry jelly, because my favorite thing to eat for breakfast is lunch. It’s never too late to love someone, but sometimes it is too early.

I want to meddle with an Olympic medal made of silver metal. I want to alchemize it into gold, and use a mixture of science and mysticism to transform losing into winning.

1-12, how many Decembers does it take to sell thirteen to Mr. Fourteen and Mr. Months? Depends on how much love you throw in for free.

I breathe, I walk, I listen, I love. But not in that order, because right now I’m sitting down, testing my lung’s storage capacity, and ignoring you.

I was on my way to being on my way when I noticed a rainbow. That’s when I got out my fishing net to try to catch some trout.

When I told her my love would stop her tears from falling, she started laughing. She laughed so hard she started crying. Damn. Double damn!

Do you not like mayonnaise ice cream? What if the mayonnaise ice cream had mustard on top? I keep a hotdog in my pocket to highlight my enthusiasm for you.

I built a Name Machine. It’s a vending machine that dispenses monikers. For 50 cents, now you can be called Don G. Lover, just like your mom.

An Alabama-faced man with a Georgia body once told me I had the smile of an Emily. That made me grin, which is definitely not how an Emily would react, so I knew it couldn’t...

I had a dream about you. You shot me with a shooting star, but I was impervious because I was wearing a suit of armor made out of cynicism.

Ever since Sincere died, I’ve been meaning to have meaning. Her love was the one thing that made me want to do other things, and without it I’m thingless.

Jacksonville’s official bird is the butterfly. The butterfly is also Jacksonville’s official flower.