Sophie did this?” He said, not for the first time. They were standing at the foot of Jessamine’s bed. She lay flung upon it, her chest rising and falling slowly like the famous Sleeping Beauty...

Bottled, was he?” Said Colonel Bantry, with an Englishman’s sympathy for alcoholic excess. “Oh, well, can’t judge a fellow by what he does when he’s drunk? When I was at Cambridge, I remember I put...

Most of the people I worked with in my old job were pretty cool. We used to go out drinking after lights out and the less pleasant members of staff would be the topic of...

You’ve never really loved your wife, have you, Ridley?

The Brit’s face shares a heritage with a junkyard butt-sniffing mutt. It’s a hard-earned moonshine mug, dotted with a hairy mole that looks like a rat’s been gnawing on it. His beard looks like a...

That´s the problem with planning a late night supper after the opera, not only does the hero or the heroine die singing, but you end up famished after the last notes of the finale.

What I Found in My DeskA ripe peach with an ugly bruise,a pair of stinky tennis shoes,a day-old ham-and-cheese on rye,a swimsuit that I left to dry,a pencil that glows in the dark,some bubble gum...

Victor Vigny: A monkey glances up and sees a banana, and that’s as far as he looks. A visionary looks up and sees the moon.Conor Broekhart: Which resembles a giant banana.

Vhat ozzer abilities do you haf?” ter Borcht snapped, which his assistant waited, pen in hand.Gazzy thought. “I have X-ray vision,” he said. He peered at ter Borcht’s chest, then blinked and looked alarmed.Ter Borcht...

Maruman does not loll.

The main reception foyer was almost empty but Ford nevertheless weaved his way through it.

Please don’t arrest me.””Listen to me, I’m not going to arrest you, ok? I’m not a cop.””Are you sure?””Am I sure I’m not a cop? yes, I’m sure.””You could be undercover.

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.

So? I know lots of beautiful women. Nova wanted to chase… I merely obliged her by running.

His fingers lightly grazed my cheek. “I didn’t know you before. When you’re not there, I can’t concentrate. I’m wondering where you are, what you’re doing…if you’re there and I can see you, I can...

Such a narrative as this demands some sort of physical consolation for its spiritual tribulation. Our heroine received it in one last cup of tea. The reader may be advised to do so likewise.

The men who made the joke saw something deep which they could not express except by something silly and emphatic.

People soon get tired of things that aren’t boring, but not of what is boring.

Maxim 36: When the going gets tough, the tough call for close air support.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

I don’t understand humans.” Caradoc shook his head. “It takes their brightest minds decades to plan an unmanned voyage to the nearest planet, which can take a year to travel each way. Yet they expect...

Love is relentless, and so am I 😉

The camp offices stood in the centre, adjoining the shrine to Jupiter that held the legion’s Eagle. In the camps of the Vth Macedonica and the VIth Ferrata, these buildings were of grey stone, dressed...

I am a writer, I’m supposed to be intense and emotional,

Losing your parent at a tender age is like losing everything thing. The love, care, support and what have you. It only takes determination, strong will and the love, care and support from others to...

Absurd laughter is a kind of protest against an absurd existence.

Maybe you could be mine / or maybe we’ll be entwined / aimless in this sexless foreplay.

CUSTOMER (to her friend): What’s this literary criticism section? Is it for books that complain about other books?

I need a light” / You’re in Karachi now / Oh, oh you’re in Karachi now. / Night is falling and you just cant see / Is this illusion or KESC / You’re in Karachi...

My mortgage isn’t getting any cheaper and I can’t run that Ferrari on faith alone,” Reverend Jones said. “Don’t get me wrong, the Big Man upstairs does what he can but I’ve never once seen...

Some people wake up fast. Some people wake up slow. I wake up dead.

People are all exactly alike. There’s no such thing as a race and barely such a thing as an ethnic group. If we were dogs, we’d be the same breed. George Bush and an Australian...

I’ve had so many bikini waxes, I cry every time I see a Popsicle stick.

Hals und Beinbruch, Saukerl.

I got swirling eyes and the capacity to shatter windows with my bare voice. Tod got teleportation and invisibility. The supernatural world is so far from fair.

His relationship with illness was flirtatious; only a particularly attractive ailment could tempt him into bed.

Sadie gave her head an exaggerated scratch. ‘Don’t come too close if you know what’s good for you, these nits are on steroids.

I ache to swim again. Walking’s for mammals.

To write your dreams of fantasy, is to create fantasy in another’s dreams

Luis is right there.” I point to the corner of the yard, where my little brother is the centre of attention doing imitations of barnyard animals. I have yet to inform him that talent isn’t...

I’m a damsel, I’m in distress, I can handle this. Have a nice day!

It’s August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.

… a man aint so different from a horse or a mule, come long come short, except a mule or a horse has got a little more sense.

Anyone who says “Trust me” is the last motherfucker you should ever trust.

According to Festus, our flying table, Buford, made it back safely while we were in Charleston, so those eagles didn’t get him. Unfortunately, he lost the laundry bag with your pants.””Dang it!” Frank Barked, which...

Neither of the two people in the room paid any attention to the way I came in, although only one of them was dead.

He had also spent a day and a half without sleep trying to start an online petition to bring back the advert for Nationwide Building Society which said Dunroamin, twice, but half the through the...

Big surprise, I put you to sleep. Don’t feel bad. It happens all the time.

Everyone assumes writers spend their time lounging around, writing and occasionally striking a pose whilst having a think.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

Where is Polonius?- In heaven; send hither to see: if your messenger find him not there, seek him i’ the other place yourself.