I’m off for two weeks, so until I get back, take the characters in this tweet and parcel them out one per day. Use this Q wisely.

The English language is like London: proudly barbaric yet deeply civilised, too, common yet royal, vulgar yet processional, sacred yet profane. Each sentence we produce, whether we know it or not, is a mongrel mouthful...

Darling, when things go wrong in life, you lift your chin, put on a ravishing smile, mix yourself a little cocktail…

..the nuclear family from across the street, which, as a result of decay, truly did have 2.5 kids;

I am an optimist and when I am too sure of something or someone, well, of course it turns out that I am wrong .. at other situations, I imagine the worst and needless to...

I once went to one of his Virgin Vie parties and had a really good time watching Chas having a paddy whilst trying to put on Dave’s socks, before realising that he only had two...

I have absolutely no idea, Melinda,” he said, grinning.

… It’s perfect! Locke would appreciate it.””Bug,” Calo said, “Locke is our brother and our love for him knows no bounds. But the four most fatal words in the Therin language are ‘Locke would appreciate...

Look,’ said Cyrus, raising his knife again and pointing it at her. ‘Give me one reason why we shouldn’t kill your boyfriend over there. Come on. The dark scowling face is reason enough in my...

Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach; those who can’t teach, police grammar on the Internet.

Could I please amend that suggestion? Could you not be there in the second darkest shadow one hour before midnight, to see who steps into the darkest shadow?

Chasing something external to satisfy the internal is a hollow practice. The only thing you can chase is yourself and you are already here!

…our witness, one Edward Littleton, was as gay as Elton John’s handbag.

You think I can’t get it up anymore, maybe? Lemme tell you, you eat enough garlic and it stands up every time.

Hating Britain is a fundamental part of being British

Cheese!” I exclaimed. It was a secret prayer, whose meaning was known only to God and to me.

Sometimes being given the elbow can turn out to be the best hand.

D’you think he would have thought ahead like that?” said Henry. “Assuredly,” said Will. “The man’s a strategist.” He tapped his temple. “Like me.

Soul: As a cool guy, I’m used to seeing naked women.Blair: That explains the nosebleed

Are there not times, Ridley, when you yourself wish only to hear the best in people – and not to be dragged downwards into the underworld we all regularly inhabit?

You’ve messed with the wrong god if you get keys to willy wonka chocolate factory and diabetes the same day..

In a Pyongyang restaurant, don’t ever ask for a doggie bag.

There is a certain amount which I shan’t mention publicly,” Elizabeth said. “Things about Lucia which I should never dream of stating openly.””Those are just the ones I should like to hear about most,” said...

Host: For those of you just tuning in, our guests tonight are the amazing Murder Magician, and his lovely minion, The Assistant…Assistant: Charmed, I’m sureHost: Who recently killed The Rumor. And you were awarded the...

Sure you can manage that broom, Potter?” said a cold, drawling voice.Draco Malfoy had arrived for a closer look, Crabbe and Goyle right behind him.”Yeah, reckon so,” said Harry casually.”Got plenty of special features, hasn’t...

I prefer dead writers because you don’t run into them at parties.

God does not play dice, bankers do.

For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—whilst all the dolphins had ever...

A few years ago it dawned on me that everybody past a certain age … pretty much constantly dreams of being able to escape from their lives. They don’t want to be who they are...

When it comes to emotions, women know how to paint with the full set of oils, while men are busy doodling with crayons.

There was something strangely compelling about a Japanese guy with lamb-chop sideburns and a voice so shrill you could be forgiven for thinking his testicles were wired to the national grid.

Adams dealt him so sound a Compliment over his Face with his Fist, that the Blood immediately gushed out of his Nose in a Stream. The Host being unwilling to be outdone in Courtesy, especially...

Shouldn’t someone give a pep talk or something?” Minho asked, pulling Thomas’s attention away from Alby.”Go ahead,” Newt replied.Minho nodded and faced the crowd. “Be careful,” he said dryly. “Don’t die.

You’ll be alright,” I say, “Mum likes you.

Damoder climbed slowly to his feet. ‘Buy lot!’ he wheedled, ‘I am poor man. I sell you cheap. I am bank-Rupert! Apparently the only things that could save him from bank-rupertcy were our dollars.

Hi. I’m here to enlist.You can’t. You aren’t human.You see, little fella, we don’t do sociological stuff like “interspeciated workplaces.” We’re a crack company of space mercenaries. We do “hurting people” and “breaking things.”Sounds like...

She was nothing more than a mere good-tempered, civil and obliging Young Woman; as such we could scarcely dislike her — she was only an Object of Contempt

If i believe my truth is true and you believe your truth is true,what if my truth says yours is a lie.is it still true?

I don’t believe this,” Diesel said. “It just gets worse and worse. Bad I enough I have to play cupid to a butcher, button maker and veterinarian…now have to be sex therapist for a guy...

Susan hardly had begun to slow down when Tera appeared from between a couple of buildings and loped over to the car. I leaned forward, opened the door, and she got into the backseat. I...

Because any other female would!

If every vampire who said he was at The Crucifixion, was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock . . .

I looked at the stained-glass image of the lamb in the window above me, but that only reminded me that lambs are famous for being led to slaughter, or sometimes hanging out with lions in...

Adam pressed his hand to his face. Sighed. “Right. It’s just that… He died. And I’m so freaking pissed off, I swear I’d punch him in the face if he were standing right here.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

I have a phonetic fetish. All I want is to find a man whose last name ends in ‘Vrski’ and marry him. Try saying VRSKI. Oh, don’t be a tight-ass. SAY IT. Don’t you love...

When would he learn that women never stayed where you put them?

The awful part of the writing game is that you can never be sure the stuff is any good.

I’m not a detective from Baker Street or an old lady who solves crimes while she’s knitting in an easy chair. I’m just a book girl. So I can’t make a deduction, only take a...

Nonsense, this is my home and I must defend it. It’s time for Santa to get serious.