Men are mystifying creatures. For instance why do all men think their penis is a panacea for all the world’s problems?

With great power comes a great need to take a nap.

I decide to release myself the only way I can imagine: I pee my pants.

This is sooo cool. I love this place. This looks way better than a day spotting weird people at Walmart.

If you ever need to confirm that a girl is worth coming back from Hell for, show her your monster arm and see what she says.

Mr Moss’s courtyard is railed in like a cage, lest the gentlemen who are boarding with him should take a fancy to escape from his hospitality.

That’s quite the specific search…’Sadistic Old-Bag-Murdering Witches’—I can’t even begin to imagine what that involves.

I jumped on Sinbad’s bottle. Nothing happened. I didn’t do it again. Sometimes when nothing happened it was really getting ready to happen

I was never sure what possessed Guy and Teo, 2 alien princelings to land in Paris that day.

They want dancing girls! They want thrills! They want elephants! They want people falling off roofs! They want dreams! The world is full of little people with big dreams!

Dr. Jules Hilbert: Hell Harold, you could just eat nothing but pancakes if you wanted.Harold Crick: What is wrong with you? Hey, I don’t want to eat nothing but pancakes, I want to live! I...

MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own...

For the moment we might very well can them DUNNOS (for Dark Unknown Nonreflective Nondetectable Objects Somewhere).

Only the iPad that autocorrects can write the true thing.

In lieu of Tasers, you’ll have to hit me. Hard as you can. Then maybe some kind of fight-or-flight response will kick in and I’ll turn into a bat to get away from you.””Fight or...

How about ‘ridiculed in nursery rhymes’?

When the loneliest place on earth is in your mind, move out!

I’ve been trying to get my career off the ground for so long, I’ve given up and decided to become a pilot.

Edna restored the toffee to the centre of her tongue and sucking pleasurably, resumed her typing of Naked Love by Armand Levine. Its painstaking eroticism left her uninterested–as indeed it did most of Mr. Levine’s...

…I have to go home and get a few things done. If I don’t get out the Pledge soon, the dust bunnies are going to be leaving tracks on my furniture…

You need a father figure in your life.

Staring at my smoldering hot date, her husband stands tall for the first time in a decade, adjusting his toupee while flashing a horrid green toothy grin that looks more like a Steven Hawkins muscle...

Liberace was certainly master and commander of the ivories ~ he is the only pianist I can watch or listen to without suffering a case of ‘Stagefright Sympathy Sickness’.

I think I’ve kissed a prince, Mom. I hope he doesn’t turn into a frog.

Light and dark ain’t supposed to mix. They’re like broccoli and chocolate – just nasty when you put them together – but that appears to be what’s happening with you

The place had enormous possibilities. He realized that at once. The stream, of course, was perfect for sailing toy boats, for skipping stones, and, in the event of failing inspiration, for falling into. Several of...

Eins var algengt hjá okkur ef spurt var um líðan einhvers manns: iss hann er feitur; en það þýddi að honum liði vel, eða einsog sagt mundi vera í Danmörku, að hann væri hamingjusamur. Ef...

A five-week sand blizzard?” said Deep Thought haughtily. “You ask this of me who have contemplated the very vectors of the atoms in the Big Bang itself? Molest me not with this pocket calculator stuff.

Why do only the awful things become fads? I thought. Eye-rolling and Barbie and bread pudding. Why never chocolate cheesecake or thinking for yourself?

Every Englishman abroad, until it is proved to the contrary, likes to consider himself a traveller and not a tourist.

Who knew death could lead to an eating disorder?

Learn to drive?””Never,” said Quentin. “My mission in life is to be a passenger.

What could she have done? She was a heroine, and with that came certain obligations.

The thought of talking about it made Pueblo’s gut ache, but then he thought of everything that Amy had been through – not that she’d told him her version yet. She had balls of steel,...

She didn’t want the medi-techs. She wanted a fucking candy bar. […] She reached down […] and chose a Galaxy bar […] “I’m going home.” “You didn’t pay for that,” Francois shouted after her. “Fuck...

Kevyn, I’m promoting you from Tech Sergeant to Munitions Commander. I want you to take responsibility for all Company weapons.Munitions Commander? Why me?I don’t know. Call it “suspicion of extreme competence” on my part.-Captain Tagon...

And I’m not saying it’s a bad song, you know, or anything like that. All I’m saying is that if you get, I don’t know, a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid,...

don’t make me throw my boot at you, because I will, you grumpy high testosterone driven male

Harder! Harder! Strike at it, for the gods’ sake! It’s a Parthian, not your grandmother! I swear if you don’t put some effort into— What?

Yefgenii said, “The Americans spent millions of dollars designing a pen that would work in space. What did we do?” Gevorkian’s head was down, his eyes were down. “What did we do?”Gevorkian lifted his head...

Graham Chapman, co-author of the “Parrot Sketch”, is no more. He has ceased to be. Bereft of life, he rests in peace. He’s kicked the bucket, hopped the twig, bit the dust, snuffed it, breathed...

It smells terrible in here.’Well, what do you expect? The human body, when confined, produces certain odors which we tend to forget in this age of deodorants and other perversions. Actually, I find the atmosphere...

My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism.

‎”Your heart is in your chest. It supplies the blood to your cells. Even if you don’t think about it, your heart is always pumping. The heart is the most important organ in the body....

Chuck Norris CAN understand women.

Suddenly, a voice called from the darkness. Taylor leapt like a salmon, then became rooted to the spot like a tin of salmon.

Dying’s a fearful popular activity these days so we often double ’em up.

I have been told by the third grade teacher that my daughter Poppet is reading at middle school level. Yet if I leave Poppet a note in block letters telling her to feed the dogs...

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

We break our huddle and Eight immediately transforms into one of his massive avatars. His handsome features melt away, replaced by the snarling face and golden mane of a lion. He grows to about twelve...