Back in my day, which was about a week and a half ago, we took our lumps and we got back up and we cried like babies and quit and then put on weight.

Manners come down to a single principle, talk of nothing that might actually prove interesting.

Maple thought optimistically that human beings, on their good days, weren’t much dimmer than sheep. Or at least, not much dimmer than dim sheep.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Comedy is hard work. People expect you to be funny 24/7. So if you’re not constantly cracking up your friends, it can hurt you professionally. They may not read your book or come to your...

Jerry Falwell said that the reason that September 11th happened, the reason that God allowed it to happen, was because of certain people in our country. People like, and I’m quoting, ‘the pagans,’ which is...

If Beyoncé Knowles and Miley Cyrus represent the latest branch of feminism, then surely the male-dominated power elite must be aroused with concern.

I shot him a look. “That bouncer was really big.”His lips quirked. “Oh, Kitten, see, I try not to say bad things.””What?”The grin spread. “I would say size doesn’t matter but it does. I would...

Bear with me G-Harrison because this is going to be a long speech. I’ve always had this feeling that the world is not enough and I won’t be happy in life unless I hold hands...

One thing you’ll learn when you’re in the business of selling utter shite to the Great British Public is that there’s really no bottom to where they’ll go. Shit food, shit TV, shit bands, shit...

If we really exist merely to fulfill God’s plan: then life is a television drama; with God being the scriptwriter, the director, and, the audience.

You’re small enough to fit in my pocket.

Focus. She’s Maddie. Your friend. Would you eyeball Keith or Dane’s butt like that? ~ Zach

I had this terrible nightmare; I dreamt I was a politician and they were dragging me off to parliament

Sorry, no. I refuse to join an army which practices human sacrifice and has no adequate pension plan.

Enjolras caught glimpses of a luminous uprising under the dark skirts of the future.

I think cynicism often disguises itself as humour.

She was heavier than he expected – women always are.

Wrong amulet!”The technique worked, at any rate. The camel wasn’t much of a fighter, but it was quite heavy and clumsy. The criosphinx snarled and clawedat the floor, trying unsuccessfully to push the camel off;...

Love is like a lost fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.

Look!” Hawkeye said. Duke looked where Hawkeye was pointing. In one corner, kneeling on the dirt floor with his elbows on his cot, a Bible in front of him, his lips moving slowly, and oblivious...

Author? Author? Did you write these legs?”Yes.”‘Well, I don’t like dem. I don’t like ’em at all at all. I could ha’ writted better legs meself.

Toasting a witch”, St John replied.

Is your name even David?’ I asked as I yanked my panties back on.’Is yours Melanie?’ he inquired, buttoning his jeans.’I asked first,’ I countered, wondering for the umpteenth time why being an idiot came...

Can I fetch you something, madam? A cup of tea?’In the old days she’d have been ‘miss’ and he’d have offered her a cocktail.

Don Pedro – (…)’In time the savage bull doth bear the yoke.’Benedick – The savage bull may, but if ever the sensible Benedick bear it, pluck off the bull’s horns and set them in my...

If complete and utter chaos was lightning, then he’d be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting ‘All gods are bastards!

Genius is always allowed some leeway, once the hammer has been pried from its hands and the blood has been cleaned up.

One of these days, I would doubt the Gardeners a little too much and Zach was going to play handball with my head.

No,” I agreed. “The zombie apocalypse is still a few years off, right?” “That’s up to you to decide. Tell you what, we’ll do it for fun someday when you’re really bored.

Without discussing it with his mother, Anton went up to his teacher, Miss Katballe, and informed her that after seven years he was now quitting school. It was the best day of her life, she...

Over the years, I have been subjected to many indignities, all for the sake of Art. If I ever catch him, I’m going to kill the guy.

Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I’m not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you’ve felt that way.

You know what they say, Two pairs a company, cheese a croud

I think this goat must have been fed on old boots,’ Stubble complained as he chewed the last scraps of flesh from the bones littering his stew.

Shame comes in different doses.

Kalist likes to listen to the collective voices swell as more individuals in his colony arrive.

At first I assumed he was a Mexican, but slowly began to realise that a real Mexican probably wouldn’t be wearing a sombrero in a London nightclub. And he’d probably have a real moustache, not...

Who’s he seeing now then?””No idea. They’re like funfair goldfish; no point giving them names, they never last that long.

If asked which words one associated with the Sahara, only the most dedicated surrealist might be expected to offer “whale”.

You’re nice.” He sounds pleased, as if he hadn’t expected this aspect of my personality.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

I had a horrible feeling my leg was broken. If it wasn’t, it had a lot of explaining to do.

And as they drifter up their minds sang with the ecstatic knowledge that either what they were doing was completely and utterly and totally impossible or that physics had a lot of catching up to...

I’ve always been a monster,’ Scapegrace told her, ‘but now, finally, my physical for reflects my inner darkness.”You smell terrible.”That’s the smell of evil.”It’s like rancid meat and bad eggs.”Evil,” Scapegrace insisted.

We,Seth, Emperor of Azania, Chief of the Chiefs of Sakuyu, Lord of Wanda and Tyrant of the Seas, Bachelor of the Arts of Oxford University, being in this the twenty-fourth year of our life, summoned...

Marry, don’t marry,’ Auntie Aya says as we unfold layers of dough to make an apple strudel. Just don’t have your babies unless it’s absolutely necessary.’How do I know if it’s necessary?’She stops and stares...

What if I got hit by lightning while walking with an umbrella? Ban umbrellas! Fight the menace of lightning!

To neglect ones own ability to laugh is the greatest form of Blasphemy, for to laugh is to pray.

Do you remember what we just did? Please tell me you remember what we just did.”She briefly toyed with the idea of lying and saying no, just to see the look on his face, but...