Lord Carradice managed to look wicked, smug, and saintly, all at the same time.

Has no one done my son a service and assassinated you yet?” “No assassins yet,” Wit said, amused. “I guess I’ve already got too much ass sass of my own.”…”Oh really, Wit” she said. “I...

Oh, I can never get enough. Which, incidentally, is what your sister said when–

Always recycle wasted time

What an absurdity to go and bury oneself in South America, where they are always having revolutions.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man, and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more...

Secrets are dangerous.” Gottfried Baumauer.

This has serveral consequences, starting with screwing over most cryptography algorithms–translation: all your bank account are belong to us–

No one messes around with a nerd’s computer and escapes unscathed.

It was getting very clear then (and during this week Riseholme naturally thought of nothing else) that Lucia designed a longer residence in the garish metropolis than she had admitted. Since she chose to give...

Everywhere I go, I am asked if I think university stifles writers. My opinion is that it doesn’t stifle enough of them.

I daresay something will happen, between now and ’91, to make your fortunes look up.

You must master the vices. You know that if a thing is worth doing it’s worth doing well. If, however, a thing is not worth doing then it’s worth doing fabulously, amazingly, with grace, style...

loathe it or ignore it, you can’t like it.

Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s important you feel comfortable around me, Kenny. It’s important we build up a level of trust. That way I’ll catch you completely unprepared when I suddenly accuse you...

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.

Many people claim coffee inspires them, but, as everybody knows, coffee only makes boring people even more boring.

Let me deal withit. Normally I’m not into directconfrontation with this sort of shit, butthere’s isn’t enough time for it to fizzle outon its own.”Mzatal regarded me with that damnedunreadable mask which he’d slipped on...

Sam, Sam, quite contrary,bought a budgie,wanted a canary.Sam, Sam, quite contrary, kissed Suzannah,meant to kiss Marry.Sam, Sam, quite contrary,dressed as a pirate,playing a fairy.Sam Sam quite contrary,ate dark chocolate,says he likes diary.Sam, Sam, quite contarary,shaved...

I’m glad to be eating the bread of freedom even if it does taste like sponge buttered with greasy salt.

I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully.

Judging by the sounds of general panic, I want a gun like that.

Un optimiste, c’est un homme qui plante deux glands et qui s’achète un hamac.

Gideon laughed. “I like to be direct.””Okay,” I said. “But I warn you, I like to be evasive, inserutable and generally send mixed messages.” “I doubt it.””Human interaction is not my strong point,” I told...

You will do well to take advantage of Madame’s short residence to get up your French a little… You will be glad of this, my dear, when you have reached France, where you will find...

And the way you lost your temper!” went on Wallis enthusiastically. “Oh, Mr. Allan, it was beautiful! You haven’t been more than to say snarly since the accident! It was so like the way you...

I was practically The Boy in the Bubble; all my autoimmune responses stripped bare by chemical representations of pine forests and summer meadows.

Back in my day, which was about a week and a half ago, we took our lumps and we got back up and we cried like babies and quit and then put on weight.

Manners come down to a single principle, talk of nothing that might actually prove interesting.

Maple thought optimistically that human beings, on their good days, weren’t much dimmer than sheep. Or at least, not much dimmer than dim sheep.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Comedy is hard work. People expect you to be funny 24/7. So if you’re not constantly cracking up your friends, it can hurt you professionally. They may not read your book or come to your...

Jerry Falwell said that the reason that September 11th happened, the reason that God allowed it to happen, was because of certain people in our country. People like, and I’m quoting, ‘the pagans,’ which is...

If Beyoncé Knowles and Miley Cyrus represent the latest branch of feminism, then surely the male-dominated power elite must be aroused with concern.

I shot him a look. “That bouncer was really big.”His lips quirked. “Oh, Kitten, see, I try not to say bad things.””What?”The grin spread. “I would say size doesn’t matter but it does. I would...

Bear with me G-Harrison because this is going to be a long speech. I’ve always had this feeling that the world is not enough and I won’t be happy in life unless I hold hands...

One thing you’ll learn when you’re in the business of selling utter shite to the Great British Public is that there’s really no bottom to where they’ll go. Shit food, shit TV, shit bands, shit...

If we really exist merely to fulfill God’s plan: then life is a television drama; with God being the scriptwriter, the director, and, the audience.

You’re small enough to fit in my pocket.

Focus. She’s Maddie. Your friend. Would you eyeball Keith or Dane’s butt like that? ~ Zach

I had this terrible nightmare; I dreamt I was a politician and they were dragging me off to parliament

Sorry, no. I refuse to join an army which practices human sacrifice and has no adequate pension plan.

Enjolras caught glimpses of a luminous uprising under the dark skirts of the future.

I think cynicism often disguises itself as humour.

She was heavier than he expected – women always are.

Wrong amulet!”The technique worked, at any rate. The camel wasn’t much of a fighter, but it was quite heavy and clumsy. The criosphinx snarled and clawedat the floor, trying unsuccessfully to push the camel off;...

Love is like a lost fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.

Look!” Hawkeye said. Duke looked where Hawkeye was pointing. In one corner, kneeling on the dirt floor with his elbows on his cot, a Bible in front of him, his lips moving slowly, and oblivious...

Author? Author? Did you write these legs?”Yes.”‘Well, I don’t like dem. I don’t like ’em at all at all. I could ha’ writted better legs meself.

Toasting a witch”, St John replied.