When the only exorcise you get is running for a bus, get more buses!

There was a piece of ornamental water immediately below the parapet, on the other side, into which Mr. James Harthouse had a very strong inclination to pitch Mr. Thomas Gradgrind Junior.

Are you scared? I understand. The first time I saw my reflection in the mirror, even I was frightened by how BIG my reflection was.

And don’t drop food.

I suddenly realize that I’m naked, which shouldn’t bother me since it’s the phone, but for some reason it does. “How’s it hanging?” Kyra asks and now I think I’m blushing. It’s just an expression,...

I mean really, how could an artistic individual stay grounded in the nitty-gritty of how many minutes per pound meat has to stay in the oven when trying to fathom the creative philosophy behind the...

She paused a moment.”Pepino, shall I tell all our dear friends our little secret?” she said. “If you say ‘no,’ I shan’t. But, please, Pepino–“Pepino, however, had been instructed to say ‘yes,’ and accordingly did...

Whew,’ he said, ‘I’m glad that’s over, Thomas. I’ve been feeling awfully bad about it.’ It was only too evident that he no longer did.

Who’s Kreacher?””The house-elf who lives here,” said Ron. “Nutter. Never met one like him.””He is not a nutter,” said Hermione.”His life’s ambition is to have his head cut off and stuck up on a plaque...

You seem to like helping, taking care of people,” he said. “That is admirable.””You enjoy being nurtured?””Well, that isn’t all you promise. When you touch me, I feel a fire at my center. You want...

They say that maths is a language. So how do I order a pizza with extra cheese in maths?

I’m going to photograph every single person to enter and leave this tattoo parlour.” Finbar rolled his eyes. “And they’ll hate that, because people who get dragons drawn on their backs are normally so shy...

I don’t deserve a soul, yet I still have one. I know because it hurts.

The groom should not see you in the dress just before the wedding, that’s bad luck. You know what’s worst luck? Is getting married, itself. I’ve read studies. It’s like 2 out of 3 of...

So what we are right now is a pair of dickweeds in a hotel room in Sydney. My life is royally fucked up right now and from where I’m sitting, your life is even bloody...

Humour sustains us during failure; more so after success, when we’re prone to fail that much more, daring abyss, pumped up with success.

I won’t have you calling me Miss Tuttle. That’s what the doc calls me. And the lady at the bank. One takes my temperature and the other my money. Friends don’t take anything—they give.

I have a head for business and a body for sin. Unfortunately, the sin appears to be gluttony.

There was a group of fans who wanted autographs, and several women who managed to write their phone numbers on Wade’s hand before he pulled free.Sam sent him an arched brow, but he just shrugged....

Does that mean that if we shave all the Ob’enn they’ll be nice?-Sergeant Schlock

Every time you tell a lie an angel punches a unicorn in the face with a kitten.

I personally believe we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.

Anything an engineer can do but woo.

The Professor is coming…

Darling love… you are.

If anyone else asked that question, O He Who Is Terrible and Great, I would have said they were an ignorant fool; in you it is a sign of the disarming simplicity which is the...

If money’s the god people worship, I’d rather go worship the devil instead.

You know, my poor grandmother once told me that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach. Life has taught me that it’s actually a few inches lower.

InsomniaI cannot get to sleep tonight.I toss and turn and flop.I try to count some fluffy sheepwhile o’er a fence they hop.I try to think of pleasant dreamsof places really cool.I don’t know why I...

We could all use the power of prayer now and then, but it seems to me that the people who are sure they have a direct line to heaven are most often calling collect with...

I wanted to remind you that you do not allow me to deliver boats, as I have been known to crash them.

Pamper a tomato, overfeed it, overwater it and you will get a Paris Hilton of a tomato.

His desire for this to be a joke was quickly replaced by a desire for whiskey.

Tell me what you do with the food you eat, and I’ll tell you who you are. Some turn their food into fat and manure, some into work and good humor, and others, I’m told,...

Merry Christmas!

Women treat us [men] like humanity treats gods – they worship us and keep bothering us to do something.

The weather had freshened almost to coldness, for the wind was coming more easterly, from the chilly currents between Tristan and the Cape; the sloth was amazed by the change; it shunned the deck and...

—,Cómo se llama?—,Yo?, Manuel González, ,por qué? —preguntó receloso.—No, usted no, el anciano que debo buscar.

I can’t help suspecting, that there is, or may be some regurgitation from the bath into the cistern of the pump. In that case, what a felicate beveridge is quaffed by the drinkers; medicated with...

Only the great warriors fall down from their horses; one would not fall who rides a donkey cart.

In a traditional German toilet, the hole into which shit disappears after we flush is right at the front, so that shit is first laid out for us to sniff and inspect for traces of...

A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?

You will suffer, son of Hades!’ What else is new? Nico thought.

If you think fate is fickle, try tempting it

Then she laughed for real, and put her hands around my neck. ‘I am never, ever going to make things easy for you Seaweed Brain. Get used to it.’ When she kissed me, I had...

Never follow the crowd….Until and unless you’re crossing the road…

There was Arctic John, a businessman from Salisbury who doesn’t hold water, Bruce Knott, a social worker from Cumberland who spends his lunch hour picking his bum, and Judith Glycerine, the reformation pig.

Oh Gina…I didn’t even court you! God, I should date you first before I beg you to take off your clothes!

Throwing blondes at Locke Lamora was not unlike throwing lettuce at sharks.

But with each step she took, Mythili realized why most people don’t go shopping alone. It’s because this mind of ours gets pretty damn busy. It starts analyzing every little stimulus you receive. And because...