The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.”(The Decider, July 21, 2007)

You can’t always be right, but you can be wrong a lot less

Always dip your toe in the past before stepping into the future

As Samson demonstrated, going bald ruins lives.

I’m sorry to disturb you, madam,’ said Nurse, ‘but I thought I’d better speak to you. It’s about Miss Delia’s knickers’ she continued, after a glance at the Vicar and a rapid decision that his...

Bride of Beimerstetten, bride of Beimerstetten, bride of Beimerstetten, naked bride of Beimerstetten,” and he imagines a procession of proud military men blowing trumpets as they stomp through a bomb-devastated town to the tune of...

If he speaks again without me knowing who he is, I will throw him out of the window. And I won’t open it first.

I’m the top of my class, auntie, thank you, and I am very good. And now let us have a little talk about you, aunt, dear. How much money have you got, and have you...

The Major’s laughter boomed out again.”And I never kept a diary in my life!” he cried. “Why there’s enough cream in this situation to make a dishful of meringues. You and I, you know, the...

Bisexuals are really attracted to senior Lib Dems – as they are both a man and a great big pussy.

Jesus.

On peut rire de tout mais pas avec n’importe qui.

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

How are we going to get out of here?””Oh, escape is easy once you have the right plan.””Do we have the right plan?””Not yet.””Do we have any plan?””Not yet.

Or at least half price.” And he was gone again.

When I was done raking and bagging, I banged on the door and demanded entry /…let me in by the hair on your chinny, chin-chin/ (a fairytale moment there) Dick opened it and in his...

Remember: If you go for a walk with a friend in England, don’t say a single word for hours; if you go for a walk with your dog, talk to it all the time.

Y-naga: “That’s the thing… It’s like trying to find a guy who’s a kid at heart but still a responsible adult, so he can be counted on when I find myself in a pinch, somebody...

I was doing my little stand up shtick, the one I did for pretty girls, so they’d like me quickly and wouldn’t try too hard to actually get to know me beyond my role as...

You know, bullying,” her mother began. “I see it every day. Kids get bullied at school, they get cyber bullied, text bullied, Myface bullied.” “Oh, God!” Arista groaned. “It’s My Space or Facebook. Not Myface.

You going to stay in there all night, because we’re getting tired of trying to eavesdrop from out here. Can’t hear a damn thing.

Maxim 8: Mockery and derision have their place. Usually, it’s on the far side of the airlock.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

Ready?” Aeron called over.Michael span to see him giving a thumbs up to the booth. His eye was drawn down to the huge war hammer hanging from his other hand.”How about we start with a...

I look in the glass sometimes at my two long, cylindrical bags (so picturesquely rugged about the knees), my stand-up collar and billycock hat, and wonder what right I have to go about making God’s...

We did photograph albums, best dresses, favourite novels, and once someone’s own novel. It was about a week in a telephone box with a pair of pyjamas called Adolf Hitler. The heroine was a piece...

Father was about to leave the house with his camera on his way to call for Mrs Walsh. They were going to a nearby park where, he said, he was planning to take her on...

Xav sprinkled olive oil on his lettuce. ‘Lola was very particular that it all had to fit properly.’ ‘Lola?’ squeaked Diamond. I wanted to warn her not to rise to the bait Xav was dangling...

She was every inch the skeletal goddess that had been promised by the bones of her feet.

Please, touch me, I pray.

I never sleep on the plane. I have to be awake and using my mind power to keep it in the air

Well, that explains why we jumped into bed with each other so quickly. We were both hornier than a bucket of desert toads.

Gomst’s mouth framed a ‘no’, but every other muscle in him said ‘yes’. You’d think priests would be better liars, what with their jobs and all.

Fredrika Bimm, what do you think you’re doing?””Freaking out. Losing my mind. Thinking about snapping your husband’s spine. Squashing the urge to vomit. Wishing I had died at childbirth.””Oh, you say that when you don’t...

The church has never been asked to explain anything, our speciality, along with ballistics, has always been the neutralisation of the overly curious mind through faith.

He felt like a baked bean in a can, soaring through the air on a downward turn of a parabolic arc…

Linda’s presentation of the ‘facts’ had been so gruesome that the children left Alconleigh howling dismally, their nerves permanently impaired, their future chances of a sane and happy sex life much reduced.

A VIP area is nothing without not-so-important people.

The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.

That was when I realised a sad but incontrovertible truth: I was a geek, and there was no getting around it. I could dress in Kate’s clothes, but it didn’t make me Kate.

I wish I was a tree so I could reproduce asexually.

…some men say get them crying on your shoulder and you have the sheets half-unfurled already. Other fellows say get them laughing. I say get them drunk. I ordered up more Riesling…

Listen, I didn’t ask for a face and body girls find attractive. But thanks to the mixture of my parents’ DNA, I’ve got them, and I’m not ashamed to use ’em.

To talk well and eloquently is a very great art, but that an equally great one is to know the right moment to stop.

NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it’s not happening. So I’m ignoring Twitter’s 140-character limit, so it’s not happ

People who can change and change again are so much more reliable and happier than those who can’t

It is meant to be survival of the fittest, not survival of the most floral.

The problem is, God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time.

People throw stones at you and you convert them into milestones.

…his knees were held together by the skin-tight trousers, which consequently narrowed the aperture through which great quantities of malodorous, rancid dreck were shortly to emerge with great force. St John knew that this was...

Tom. Tom, look at me. Has Nora agreed to marry you?””No, but she will because she has to.