The best stories come from deep within us and are of us. Either our inner child comes out to play and makes all things possible, or we mold our characters and events from our own...

You want a lesson, boy? If you find yourself being born, climb back in as quick as you can, because life’s a bottomless feast of shit.

Love is like building a wall with two bricks and a ton of wind. Obviously you and your lover are bricks.

But the main reason you should read this is that I don’t see why I should have to know all these terrible, terrible things and you should get off scot free.

I don’t know anything!’ Tim(Caleb) wailed.He’d never spoken a truer word in his life.

To you, I’m an atheist.To God, I’m the loyal opposition.

I used to want to be a missionary, but I don’t believe that’d be the best position for me to be in.

Black holes are the last vestige of civilizations obsessed with tinkering.

Well, yea we are kind of old, but we’ve been around so long, we don’t have anything better to do. Living a long time can really turn you into a cranky bitch. Just wait ‘till...

I have a fist like a brick, but I don’t punch through walls—I build them and become them.

If trees had feathers instead of leaves, then they wouldn’t fly, they wouldn’t run, and they’d be my favorite thing to hunt.

The patter of tentative footfalls reached my ears. I flipped on my side to face the door and saw Ansel wander by. I rolled onto my back, rubbing sleep from my eyes. I’d crashed on...

I love nature, I just don’t want to get any of it on me.

We made love like a goat has four legs like a table. If your dining room table can walk, it’s best to eat while sitting in wheelchairs.

Hay quienes dicen que, de ser rubia, podría hacer de Bridges Jones sin problemas. Deben estar bromeando, porque nunca he preparado una sopa azul

Yeah, and you’re ugly, but do I complain about it? No! Because I don’t complain about things that I can’t change. That’s called intelligence.

Basically, I have two speeds…. Hostile or smart-aleck. Your choice.

The only time I like traffic lights turning yellow or red is in the fall.

I called Vee.”How are you doing?” I asked.”Good. How are you?””Good.”Silence.”Okay,” Vee said in a rush, “I am still totally freaked out. You?””Totally.

Just don’t take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

We made love like two trees on a breezeless day. Neither one of us moved for hours.

Some men can love forever, some for six years, some for six months, and others for six hours.

Is there an intelligent man or woman now in the world who believes in the Garden of Eden story? If you find any man who believes it, strike his forehead and you will hear an...

Somebody left a pair of baby shoes on a bench. I would have taken them home, if only they weren’t too big for my feet.

Go ahead, stick it in my butt.” Love is much more than that. Love is also a logo. I know, because I have it tattooed on my ass.

Rod Cockshutt, Professor Emeritus at N.C. State University called my book, Evidence of Insanity, “an extraordinary achievement” and told me to not change the last 10-15 pages no matter what.

You can’t blame her,’ said Amit. ‘After a life so full of tragedy anyone would become hard.”What tragedy?’ asked Mrs. Chatterji.’Well, when she was four,’ said Amit, ‘her mother slapped her–it was quite traumatic–and then...

I always have safe sex. I lock the door.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

Así que somos dos bolas de discoteca andantes.

My ex girlfriend and I go long periods of time without speaking to each other. And in between those extended stretches, we fill the time with silence.

Computers are heaven-sent when they work and hell-spawn when they don’t.There’s just not much middle ground when it comes to technology.

In accordance with the terms of the Clarke-Asimov treaty, the second-bestscience writer dedicates this book to the second-best science-fictionwriter.[dedication to Isaac Asimov from Arthur C. Clarke in his book Report on Planet Three]

Without an element of vulgarity, no man can be a work of art…I have to try and think what an artist is, apart from a hooligan who cannot live within his income of praise.

A sex trophy should be functional, and shaped like a dildo, yet decorative, and shaped like Ben Bernanke. Insert it in your ass as desired.

In life you’ll meet a lot of jerks. If they hurt you, tell yourself that it’s because they’re stupid. That will help keep you from reacting to their cruelty. Because there is nothing worse than...

If you haven’t cried at least once while writing a chapter of your inspirational book, then you have to ask yourself if your’re writing fiction.

A blanket could be used to suffocate our secret desires. And what do I secretly desire? I desire suffocation, and that is why I must suffocate my desire.

Love will make a man do some funny things, like tightrope walking across a telephone wire, rather than simply picking up the phone to call or text.

I know a man who drives 600 yards to work. I know a woman who gets in her car to go a quarter of a mile to a college gymnasium to walk on a treadmill,...

Women don’t want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at...

The pain I felt when I lost my glove was nothing compared to the pain I felt losing my hand as well.

Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.

You may marry Miss Grey for her fifteen pounds but you will always be my Willoughby. My nightmare. My sorrow. My past. My mistake. My regret. My love.

The Howard Hughes thing hadn’t actually sounded like such a bad deal until about…oh, eight thirty-five this morning. Something about having his ex carry him to the bathroom and help him wash his balls just...

I am greedy with water. I made your apology tea dry. I’m sorry. You might try snorting it out of the bag.

Humour is for them the all-consoling and (mark this) the all-excusing, grace of life. Hence, it is invaluable as a means of destroying shame. If a man simply lets others pay for him, he is...

You can’t spell “parentry” without “try.” Of course, you’ll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make with your kids are the same ones your parents made with you. At...

I’m not afraid of you, Ghleanna. I’ve never been afraid of you. To be quite honest. . I think you’re amazing. I always have. Since the first time you ignored me.

If you actually are an educated, thinking person, you will not be welcome in Washington, D.C. I know a couple of bright seventh graders who would not be welcome in Washington D.C.