How ghastly for her, people actually thinking, with their brains, and right next door. Oh, the travesty of it all.

If I were stranded in the woods with nothing to eat but nuts, berries, and the complete works of Allen Ginsberg, I’d eat the latter first, because at least the nuts and berries might be...

Homeowners’ Association: the means whereby people who own homes are able to transfer their rights to the neighborhood control freaks.

Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment.

I love work. Well, I love being a passive spectator, rather than an active participant.

Die in a good way, obviously.

I don’t care what is written about me so long as it isn’t true.

People can cry when they’re happy or sad. Tears are tasty and drinkable on all occasions.

That would have been useful, Mercy. And having something freaky and useful would have been too good and sent the spirits of evil gods on our tail.”I stared at him.

Some dogs look like giant mustaches. I shaved mine off because it was barking too much. My love life has improved by leaps and meows.

My clone will have my mind, but I don’t mind. Two heads are better than one—especially when those two are one and the same.

Lollypop…the passion contained merely kissesplaced upon lips, neck and cheekthese young lovers of the castleof which our fairytale speaks…

McGough: I’m sorry. I’m afraid I’ve caught poetry. Mr Bones: Oh really? Well, don’t worry, sir – I used to suffer from short stories.McGough: Really? When?Mr Bones: Oh, once upon a time …

I wore a long white dress shirt and no pants, so it looked like a white dress. I felt like a bride in love. Well, at least until my boss fired me.

It was generally agreed that a coffin-size studio on Avenue D was preferable to living in one of the boroughs. Moving from one Brooklyn or Staten Island neighborhood to another was fine, but unless you...

When red fights with white, pink is always the winner. Let that be a lesson in love.

You have two eyes, and two ears, but only one mouth. This is so because you are supposed to look and listen more than you talk.

To me, chocolate was the sole reason we on this earth.

I need a water/glory mix of 2:1. That’d make me piss like a champion.

You look like a corgi

My wife was saying to me just the other day how she’s noticed a spring in my step lately. That was because I thought you were gone forever.’ ‘I missed you too, Thurid.

One minute she acts like she wants to be with me and I’m the one rejecting her. The next, she’s got this barbed wire fence and barking dogs around her, like I can’t even ask...

His question is pretty dangerous for me to try to answer, so I don’t—it continues to hang out there like the stained underwear at a slumber party that goes unclaimed.

Renton looks at her and sees her pain and anger. It cuts himup. It confuses him. Kelly has a great sense of humour. What’s wrong with her? The knee–jerkthought: Wrong time of the’ month is...

Can you imagine the reaction of a British tabloid newspaper if they found a small school in rural England hosting a party like this? A party? In a school? With children present? Where marijuana is...

I get out of the car, and I’m blasted by the stench of body odor. Cricket is beside me, and he’s talking, but his words don’t reach my ears.Because it’s my mother.Smelling.On my porch.

Last year I built a Courage Machine, but I thought it might be noisy and was too afraid to turn it on. So I coated it with glue, covered it with cat hair, mounted it...

Walter Scott has no business to write novels, especially good ones. — It is not fair. — He has fame and profit enough as a poet, and should not be taking the bread out of...

Probably no purer incitement to hatred existed, Lydia had found, than being told of anyone or anything: you will love him, her or it. The spirit immediately rose up like a fanged cobra.

Death’s got an Invisibility Cloak?” Harry interrupted again.”So he can sneak up on people,” said Ron. “Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking…

I drink screwdrivers because they help me unwind.

When you get a thing the way you want it, leave it alone.

I make furniture that can be used as weapons. The most dangerous piece of furniture is the Loveseat.

The first step to running a successful business, is printing out pictures of all the luxury items you’re going to buy once you get rich.

Do close your mouth. You look like a cow that’s being artificially inseminated.

Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening.

Only a friend or a giraffe would stick his neck out for you. But only a giraffe would eat all the leaves off your tree so he could peek in your second story bedroom window.

Give the People what they want – and they’ll get what they deserve.

I’m older today than yesterday, and therefore I must be more mature.

I’d like to invent a product that’ll turn 18-year-olds into 21-year-olds, and sell it in front of bars.

terrorism n.Violence for political purposes or the politically motivated threat of violence which, either intentionally or unintentionally, challenges the state’s monopoly on political violence.

The Death Eaters can’t all be pure-blood, there aren’t enough pure-blood wizards left,” said Hermione stubbornly. “I expect most of them are half-bloods pretending to be pure. It’s only Muggle-borns they hate, they’d be quite...

a spider and a flyi heard a spiderand a fly arguingwait said the flydo not eat mei serve a great purposein the worldyou will have toshow me said the spideri scurry aroundgutters and sewersand garbage...

Never let other people bring you down let Jesus be the one who brings you down, because he knows what he is doing

I want to merge a Phoenix with a Camel to create the world’s first everlasting cigarette. It’ll be a cigarette that rises from its own ashes, so you can keep smoking it indefinitely.

‘Now that your speech impediment has been rectified, perhaps you might say something. It would be best if it were humorous. I enjoy a good jest.’ ‘You are dreadfully rude,’ I said to him. He...

It looks as though your shop is doing well,” Luka said gazing around, “Could you help me find a gift for a lady friend of mine?”My heart plunged to my grenn satin slippers, and I...

Am I about to discover where you, Ron, and Hermione disappeared to while you were supposed to be in the back room of Fred and George’s shop?”How did you…?”Harry, please. You’re talking to the man...

Love is like holding a baloney sandwich for a friend. That was over two years ago, and I’m still holding it. I wonder if he’s coming back any time soon. He must be starving by...

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.