MOMB – noun – One who can deal with all of the INSANITY of being a MOM… Because she’s the BOMB!

I was very close to kissing her. The timing was right, and the mood was right, but the distance of two inches between our two mouths was just too far to traverse in the end.

Make your money make money: Buy a printing press and some blank currency paper.

You know where we got stuck? We were looking for faithfull, loving and perfect relationships-males who were always glad to see us.” “So?” “We already have that!” “What do you mean?” “We’ve got dogs!

This was supposed to be yesterday. I was sitting on the Cardiff/London train, supposedly about to write this very column, and realising something quite terrible. My head was entirely empty. A vast echoing void. Bigger...

There’s an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is “performing the same action over and over, expecting different results.”… Now, I’m no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush...

Dear Non-American Black, when you make the choice to come to America, you become black. Stop arguing. Stop saying I’m Jamaican or I’m Ghanaian. America doesn’t care.

Alan: “I had terrible stage fright.”Sin: “I’m not familiar with the concept of ‘stage fright.'”A: “It’s pretty awful. You end up having to picture the entire audience in their underwear. Phyllis was in that audience,...

What we have here is a war—the war of matter and spirit. In the classical era, spirit was in harmony with matter. Matter used to condense spirit. What was unseen—the ghost of Hamlet’s father—was seen—in...

My clones will look like me, and therefore I’ll treat them like myself—starting with spending all their hard-earned money. You can’t love someone else if you can’t first love yourself.

Liraz snorted, caught off guard, and the tension between them ebbed away. “I’m sorry of my almost dying interrupted your almost kissing.

Whether a man is a criminal or a public servant is purely a matter of perspective.

If I can’t suck your milkshake through a straw, it’s not a milkshake–it’s a glass of ice cream.

A man who claims to be 32 degrees is one freezing freemason. That man must make love with all the warmth of a shadowy secret.

I had a dream that I was perfect…I woke up and was still perfect. Aw.

What what what?” and I didn’t respond because I fell in love with her.

Call me archaic, but I like making money the old-fashioned way—through prostitution.

Defender of the Laws of Time, Protector of the Galaxy, and the biggest back-rub slut she’d ever seen. [Sam Jones, on the Eighth Doctor]

I’d like to let another person reveal my personality, and I’d like this person to be my clone. My clone would see me from the inside, as well as the outside.

Does it stand, but not straight enough? Is there a bend in the tool? Leaning left like the Marxist-Leninist Party? To the right, like the Jan Sangh fascists? Or wobbling mindlessly in the middle, like...

He wasn’t my type — my type was more the skinny hipster boys in girl jeans and thick glasses, a.k.a. the first ones to go during the outbreak — but the sight still had me...

I always thought it was Mo Be Dick. I know Mo, and he is a dick.

Get me outa here. F*ckin’ creepy cheerleaders.

What you call idiot points, I call awesome dollars. ~Seth

I don’t like to brag or frighten, but I’ve got a black belt. And a brown one, which I sometimes wear with black slacks.

I love seeing other channels counterprogram the Super Bowl. PBS: “DAMN RIGHT we’re airing a new ‘Masterpiece Classic’! Fuck off, sports!

The clouds are like marble in the sky, and I just want to make a kitchen counter out of the atmosphere. I can cook like a flock of birds.

It is important to correct bad behavior one toe at a time.

We should have a State in which we could live and breathe as free men and which we could develop according to our own lights and culture and where principles of Islamic social justice could...

I thought you were dead.” Magnus smiled crookedly. “What, from that scratch?” He glanced down at the reddening jacket in Alec’s hand. “Okay, a deep scratch. Like, from a really, really big cat.

It also must be hard to have a wife like Mrs. Indianapolis. She’s in the fashion industry. She’s not a model or designer, but she is a buyer—not for a retail outlet, but for her...

Mom says it’s because she has PMS.Do you even know what that means?”I’m not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome

Duty has a trick of behaving unexpectedly — something like a heavy friend whom we have amiably asked to visit us, and who breaks his leg within our gates.

I was thinking…””We know,” Pedro said, “It was like sitting next to a pressure cooker

Eros mumbled something.”I’m sorry?” said Aphrodite.”Whatwouldjesusdo.””What would Jesus do?” said Aphrodite. “Let me tell you something. Jesus was a very good boy. He would do exactly what his mother told him to.””But-“”Jesus was supposed to...

People don’t read anymore. And, when they do, they don’t read books like this one, but instead read books that depress them, because those books are seen as important. Somehow, the Librarians have successfully managed...

A brick could be used as a substitute for the brother I never had. It seems ridiculous, but I’ve always wanted a brother who was smarter than the average politician.

I ignored him, concentrating on Lilith. “According to the stories, after you were expelled from Eden you went down into Hell, where you coupled with demons and gave birth to all the monsters that have...

I put out the Gary call, but only two Gregs and a Susan came. Oh well, if they don’t want to snuggle, I suppose I’ll just sell my surplus supply.

Women love a man in uniform. You should see them drool when I dress up in my Girl Scout outfit.

Espero que en algún lugar haya otro ser humano que haya sentido alguna vez lo que estoy sintiendo ahora… y también espero que este ser humano no esté encerrado en La Castañeda o en el...

I froze, shocked. (And don’t try to claim that you did anything different the first time a government bureaucrat pulled a gun on you.)

I am the who in whodunnit. But I am not the dunnit.

God gave me the life and created the world to know what it is actually.

Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken!

Our two hands were held together by love—and adhesive. Let no man separate what God hath joined together! Is it crazy? Yes—Krazy Glue.

Secretly, deep down, everybody on Earth believes they can write poetry, apart from the members of the Poets’ Guild, who know they can’t.

Oh, Wax has always been solemn, but when he’s at his best, there’s a smirk underneath.

The best part about a rear naked choke, is the naked part.

We’ve got this heat going on, that’s all. If it’s all the same to you, I’d rather not go into that end ofthings.””Oh, it’s all the same to me. You’re both adults and you got...