And poor Mr. Bix!Every morning at six,poor Mr. Bix has his Borfin to fix!It doesn’t seem fair. It just doesn’t seem right,but his Borfin just seems to go shlump every night.It shlumps in a heap,...

She headed for a wide flat rock on the creek’s bank, her posture still demanding ‘no trespassing’ but no longer ‘trespassers will be shot.

It is really surprising what may be done in the home with a small can of paint, if you aren’t careful.

The object I stabbed him with was all bloody. Fortunately for him, the blood was on the tampon before I stabbed him, and not a result of the stabbing.

(This is from me: I found this and I’m dying I apologize for any non-Supernatural fans out there but omg the fandom must read this.)Dean: Dad, this is Cas.John: I’m not working with any other...

Without the door let sorrow lie,And if for cold it hap to die,We’ll bury ‘t in a Christmas pie,And evermore be merry.

Maddison de la Botella, licence to drill.

I ran across an old friend of mine yesterday, and I didn’t even attempt to hit the brakes.

as I [Eve] was the only cook in all Christendom at the time, the idea of not coming home to dinner never occurred to Adam… It is true that at times he criticised my cooking,...

The cat hair floated in the air like a sound vibration, and I plucked it like a guitar string. Sometimes I can be so musical I’m like a living love song.

There is nothing more luxurious than eating while you read—unless it be reading while you eat. Amabel did both: they are not the same thing, as you will see if you think the matter over.

Gas masks could be converted into blowjob machines—and finally put your mom out of business. That’s capitalism. That’s war. That’s love.

I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.

A sister should set her brother up with one of her friends, unless her only friend is her sister.

To my astonishment I saw him standing at a table with Kitty Jones. It was the Kitty Jones bit that was astonishing. Not the table. Though it was very nicely polished.

We were young and in love. Well, at least I was young. I was fourteen and she was ninety-four. She tried to act like she never remembered we were dating, probably due to her dementia.

What I’m mostly good at is sleeping, he once told me in confidence, but he added, I don’t see much future in it.

If a magic genie, from a lamp, offered me three wishes, I’d use one to wish you a happy birthday. So 33 percent would be spent in your celebration. I only offer that statistic so...

Dave walked closer to me, his dark eyes combing my every move. “Do you always hold your guitar like that?”I dropped my pick. “Do you always shop at Hot Topic?

In order to influence a child, one must be careful not to be that child’s parent or grandparent.

I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed,...

Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory.

Afterward, there was some debate as to whether we’d actually “done it properly,” which gives you some idea of the awesome skill and artful dexterity of my lovemaking technique.

I don’t want to talk, either,” that mouth said very seriously. And then he lowered his head and kissed her.

When I’m in love, I can’t stand anyone.

I’m to lazy to edit before hitting send.

Yeah, over my scattered panties, I asked him to dinner and told him to bring a friend.” – Laney

Nobody showed up to my wedding, even though I sent out 50 invitations. The problem was 49 of the people were dead when I sent them out, and the 50th person died shortly after I...

A man’s body is like a circus. You can swing off his trapeze arms, lay your head on thighs like fresh-blown balloons while his cock performs tricks, soft to hard, a burst like a cannon...

I need to go to the grocery store because I’ve got nothing in my fridge but an old t-shirt, a pair of jeans, and a sweater (after all, it does get cold in the fridge).

From behind Lissa, I heard Christian say, “Worst. Timing. Ever.” Adrian studied Lissa and then looked at Christain sprawling on the bed on the far side of the suite. “Huh,” Adrian said, letting himself in....

What do I do for fun? Well, I’d love to get into the bank robbing business, but government work is not for me.

As many as thirty or as few as ten years later, lying exhausted and still, eyes open in the dark long after the three suns of Rakhat had set, no longer bleeding, past the vomiting,...

An untied shoelace can be dangerous,’ he said.’I could have tripped.’She stared at him. A moment dragged by.’I’m joking,’ he said at last.She relaxed. ‘Really?”Absolutely. I would never have tripped. I’m far too graceful.

Can’t say what impresses me most about my followers – their good looks, their incredible intellects, or their immunity to cheap flattery.

Man has to eat, so thank God some food tastes good. However, if men had no taste buds, or sense of smell, all food would be good. So hooray! And also boo for boring. That’d...

You might not believe this, but there is no one like her at this school.””Oh I believe it,” I said, thinking back to the time Angeline had forgotten her locker’s combination and tried to get...

My shining dishonesty will be the salvation of me.

So are my eyes. How do I always get roped into these things?” Avery coughs and pats Rob’s back in sympathy. A poof of dust billows from the contact.

I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q.

The Angel Gabriel disappeared once for sixty years and they found him on earth hiding in the body of a man named Miles Davis.

Don’t worry. Chivalry has practically no appeal for me whatsoever. — Neville Fletcher

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Mow the carpet, vacuum the lawn, and make love like war.

If you asked why the post had not come, or why the boat did not sail for England, or why your coffee was cold, or why your boots were not cleaned, or why your window...

He has a passport,” my classmates would whisper. “Quick, let’s run before he judges us!

People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn’t.

I’d like to open a restaurant. Would you eat at a place called Filthy’s? The name would be better than the food, which in turn would be better than the service.

Do you see that out there? The strange, unfamiliar light? It’s called the sun. Let’s go get us a little.

A tree once saved my life. A posse was going to hang me, but this wise old oak would not let them. As a token of my gratitude to that tree, I used it for...