Science.” I don’t believe in it. Science has yet to validate my disbelief in Bigfoot.

I envisioned him tied in a chair, an iron arrow pointed at his brow. Ah, the power of positive thinking.

Today I tried to pick up something I was standing on. It didn’t work out well.

I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time.

All life is in vain, for Death makes a nonsense of pain.

The parasail’s winch turned, winding up the line, pulling Ally and Serena lower and closer to him in a steady pull. A funny feeling seized him as he watched her. Logically, he knew she kept...

Those guys who want to have the Mohawk…which, to me, is the new business casual.

I like to feel like just one of the guys. Especially when I hang out with the girls.

Bean finds the best apple in our tree and hands it up to me. “You know what this tastes like when you first bite into it?” she asks. “No, what?” “Blue sky.” “You’re zoomed.” “You...

I used to jog but it’s bad for the knees. Too much beta carotene turns you orange, too much calcium gives you kidney stones. Health kills.

Everyone gets tortured these days. Skulduggery by Serpine, who then turned around and did that red right hand thing at you. Then Skulduggery was tortured again by the Faceless Ones. I figured it was my...

Pretty much everyone hates high school. It’s a measure of your humanity, I suspect. If you enjoyed high school, you were probably a psychopath or a cheerleader. Or possibly both.

It’s the only way anything will change. Because we are both mother and child, cause and effect, villain and victim

Don’t talk to me.””Why not?””Because I want to fix that in my memory for ever. Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret…

I can spot a polka dot dress from hundreds of circles away.

Tis an ill cook that cannot lick his own fingers.

Does it help if we’re so strong-willed, stubborn, ambitious, and selfish that we always overcome everything in our way no matter what?” asked Wang-mu.”I think those are the pertinent virtues, yes,” said Peter.”Then let’s do...

My birthday is on a holiday. I just have to wait until I die and they commemorate me.

eccentric.” Let this be a lesson in love.

Nobles with competent fathers perhaps. I spent my formative years at my aunt’s at Huffington Manor. She held a daily salon, where a dozen noble ladies came to discuss all manner of philosophical topics, like...

Sometimes you remind me a lot of James. He called it my ‘furry little problem’ in company. Many people were under the impression that I owned a badly behaved rabbit.

My body looks the same, but I gained 20 pounds. The difference is that right now I have an erection, and before I didn’t.

As Atwood concludes after a random and informal sampling, men and women differ markedly in the ‘scope of their threatenability’: ‘Why do men feel threatened by woman?’ I asked a male friend of mine….'[M]en are...

Um…Mercer? Haven’t seen you in nearly a month. I was expecting something like, ‘Oh Cross, love of my heart, fire of my loins, how I’ve longed–

I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the...

My love is fountainesque. Is your body drinkable?

The man once wrote: Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Tolkien had that one mostly right.I stepped forward, let the door bang closed, and snarled,...

Ooh, you look much tastier than Crabbe and Goyle, Harry” said Hermione, before catching sight of Ron’s raised eyebrows, blushing slightly and saying “oh you know what I mean – Goyle’s Potion looked like bogies.

When I didn’t see a ghost, I knew I’d seen a ghost, because ghosts are invisible. This logic also lets me know when I’m in love.

Auugghh!” he yelled, his voice stronger than it had been since his return from the harbor. “Are you trying to kill me, woman?””If I mean to kill someone, I do it,” Rosethorn told him. “I...

Erik Satie died on July 1, 1925; his last words were ‘Ah, the cows…

I want certain conversations to come equipped with antilock brakes, especially if I’m talking to a real airbag.

Liquid kittens would be drinkable cuddles. You wouldn’t ever be thirsty for love.

They don’t make morgues with windows. In fact, if the geography allows for it, they hardly ever make morgues above the ground. I guess it’s partly because it must be eisier to refrigerate a bunch...

This is the fast lane, folks…and some of us like it here.

Leadership is being the first egg in the omelet.

It is the right of a traveller to vent their frustration at every minor inconvenience by writing of it to their friends.

The trick is not appearing to be so.

My ex-girlfriend was exquisite, while my current girlfriend is merely quisite. The ex always makes the past seem more excellent than the present.

While they had security escort me out of the building, they couldn’t forcibly remove the trophy from my anus. If love were a competition, I’d be the winner.

You couldn’t spot a pop culture reference if it skittered up and implanted an embryo down your esophagus.

Wild!” Ron said, twiddling the replay knob on the side. “I can make that old bloke down there pick his nose again… and again… and again…

I want to be the mayor of a small town. A small town I populated entirely with my seed.

I told you growing starts from the inside first, honey, and in that way, you’ve been growing like wildfire.

The bag is now clearly catless, and there’s a very foul odor coming from the fan.

I Think, Therefore I Am … I Think …

Two decaying racehorse carcasses would make a great bathtub. I’m a fast lover.

if you’re going to be in an orgy, the middle is the best spot, isn’t it.

Yeah you can have a word,” said Harry savagely. “Good-bye.

My coffee cup didn’t come with a sleeve, but that’s OK, because I’m wearing a tank top.