For Christmas I got new socks. I peeled them off a dead body.

Anywhere you are standing right now is like no where else on earth. So look at the cars, the trees, the buildings and soak it all in.

I was a lazy reader as a kid. One nutrition label on a box of Cap’n Crunch and I’d have to take a nap.

Change is inevitable – except from a vending machine.

Sometimes, I wondered if I might speed up his words by grabbing his wrists and finishing his gestures for him.

Think of the fierce energy concentrated in an acorn! You bury it in the ground, and it explodes into an oak!

Two bricks, parallel and horizontal, equals an equal sign.

It’s possible to be flippant here, when Jihadists fly aircraft into buildings they shout God is Great, what do atheists shout when they do it?

On Wall Street, the lawyers play the same role as medics in war: They come in after the shooting is over to clean up the mess.

Father, we come to You, Father, in the name of the Father, Father we come to You, Father, Father, just, just, Father, Father…’ You don’t talk to you friends like that. ‘Ed, Ed, come over,...

There’s a kid or some kids somewhere. I’ll never know them. They’re particle-puzzle-cubing right now. They might be mini-misanthropes from Moosefart, Montana. They might be demi-dystopians from Dogdick, Delaware. They dig my demonic dramas. The...

I think I remember what love was like before. There were complex emotional and biological factors. We had elaborate tests to pass, connections to forge, ups and downs and tears and whirlwinds. It was an...

A brick could replace your window, if your window’s opaque, and you throw the brick hard enough.

Why is the poem called ‘The Road Not Taken,’ when it’s about the road that was taken?

She was murdered by rebels.’ He took in her unconcealed look of shock. ‘So there you go. Something for you to celebrate.’ Magnus turned away from her, ready to find solace in his chambers, but...

He spoke in a trembling voice that didn’t seem to be entirely in sync with the movement of his lips. That’s because sound travels slower in halitosis.

The scope of my problem will easily fit in the scope of my rifle. Too bad true love has to come with a mother-in-law.

A brick could be used to stop time. I did it once at my uncle’s house, and I nearly wrecked the universe. He wanted to spank me, but decided not to, because he was afraid...

Before I sold used cars, I sold used horses. Mostly to glue factories.

In cyber espionage, the cloak and the dagger are one and the same.

In fact we put so many things in our mouths we constantly have to be reminded what not to eat. Look at that little package of silicon gel that’s inside your sneakers. It says DO...

When I came out of anesthesia, I wanted two things: my husband and my dog. They wouldn’t let the dog in the recovery room.

The thing we have in common is we both love to make love. Maybe one day we can merge our mutual interest and make love to each other.

A brick could be used to sell war to the peacemongers. The trick is to sell war cheap, because the real profit is in the renewals and extending the service as long as possible.

I think Starbucks would go out of business if more people were to Superglue their eyelids open when they felt tired.

FORTUNECOOKINT of the Week: The paper this fortune is printed on contains more nutrients than the cookie it came in.

I suppose the fundamental distinction between Shakespeare and myself is one of treatment. We get our effects differently. Take the familiar farcical situation of someone who suddenly discovers that something unpleasant is standing behind them....

There is truth in wine, but you never see it listed in the ingredients on the label

This is a mournful discovery.1)Those who agree with you are insane2)Those who do not agree with you are in power.

Your unborn children cry in your testicles. I can hear them when you masturbate. Your mother loves me more than she loves you.

He was obviously on the wrong side of crazy.

Filial respect caused Grey to hesitate in passing ex post facto opinions on his mother’s judgment, but after half an hour in the company of either Paul or Edgar, he could not escape a lurking...

Secret 1.93. The professional intelligence officer assumes nothing. The successful professional intelligence officer assumes less than that.

Life is meaning less when you realized that you are about to die. Till then, everything negative however trifle they may be, depress you.

Darwin says people like you need to die.” (Carrow)

(There was an idea much beloved and written about by this country’s philosophers that magic had to do with negotiating the balance between earth and air and water; which is to say that things with...

It’s clearly a budget. It’s got lots of numbers in it.

A brick could be translated into Spanish, and then used to landscape a lawn.

I drink coffee like I make love, only I’m more awake with the coffee.

The official spokesperson is the most anonymous source of all.

If you want to change the world, just change yourself. The world needs traitors.

A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it’s safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.

It’s better if you don’t come at all, then come and act like you don’t want to be here. The same applies to there, when I’m there, which is also confusingly here, though it’s not...

Laughter is the stubborn reward of grim times.

I’m probably the best love you’ve never had. And why is that? Oh yeah, because I’m in a relationship with a tall cup of coffee.

The photoshopping of female models is sending precisely the right message to young girls: Learn image editing software!

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.

A friend comes over with a Ouija board.It spells out: Bourbon. Where’s the band?Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean you can’t have fun.

Do everything that makes you happy”? Even if it means hurting somebody else?