Make project plan as simple as possible, but not simpler.

As an author I’m in my head all day and I worry that I lose touch with reality. But then my dog pees on my shoe and I know I’ve found it again.

If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.

Everything I’ve learned about handshakes is from hands-on experience. Due to hygiene, I only network with rubber glove manufacturers.

[Caine]”Interesting. Me, I’ve always wanted to know who my real parents were.”[Sam]”Let me guess: you’re secretly a wizard who was raised by muggles.

I am a duck. I’m cool and calm on the surface, but underneath it all is a nonstop struggle to succeed. My feet are like orange spatulas.

A blanket could be used to silence your internal critic. And if you don’t shut him up, I’ll do it for you. Geez, I’m trying to read over here, and I can’t focus with his...

St. Clair clears his throat. ‘My fiancée and I are headed out for a celebratory dessert. I’d ask you all to join us, but I don’t want you there.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Love makes the world go round. Too bad love doesn’t make the world go other shapes, like tetrahedron.

They laugh at me because I’m different; I laugh at them because they’re all the same.

The wittiest authors raise the very slightest of smiles.

In winter this town is freezing. You step out your door in the morning and the whole place looks like one of those nature specials in which a guy brings a camcorder to the North...

8:58 We go to McDonald’s. The woman in front of me in line spends more than five seconds contemplating her order. This infuriates me, “WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?? MC-SEABASS?? IT’S THE GODDAMN MCDONALDS’S MENU,...

Aphorism, n. Predigested wisdom.

I have so many friends I couldn’t even count them on one hand—not even if I had six fingers. Now, if I had seven fingers, I could count on them, but I still wouldn’t be...

I’ll drive like my grandma. I’ll drive like your grandma.””You wouldn’t say that if you knew my gramma.

I went for a walk this morning because the evening was still asleep. Well technically so was I, but that didn’t stop me from exercising.

Psychobabble attempts to redefine the entire English language just to make a correct statement incorrect. Psychology is the study of why someone would try to do this.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

Sometimes it’s the tiniest things that can mean the difference between life and death.

Too many abused beers have suffered in the name of networking. Let us find a better way to mix torture and business.

It was funny how none of her classes in library science has prepared her for this sort of thing, dead bodies, staff under suspicion, crazed reporters. Really, they needed to consider expanding the curriculum.

Even though I believe birthday parties should be given, not taken, I wish someone would take all of mine and hide them on the other side of eternity.

A brown blanket could be used in place of chocolate frosting on a cake, and since nobody will want to eat it, you’ll be left with more cake for yourself.

There is nothing more tedious about interviewing politicians. It would have been better if I’d been sent to cover some crime or another. Murderers are much more real.

Mine,” Zane told the cat.

With any new business deal, don’t think about how much you can afford to get—think about how much you can afford to give. A spirit of giving will allow you to get.

You have a travel vibrator, so I assume you call this one your house vibrator. Store one in your dashboard for a car vibrator too? What about your desk at work? And do they each...

To me, a good friend is one who doesn’t talk, but who listens all the time. Someone who is observant. Someone who wiretaps your phone lines. I consider myself a good friend.

I don’t like like like I love love, but I’ll bet we have that in common. You have so much love to give that I’m surprised I haven’t received any of it.

I can write about all of these bizarre and funny characters in my book, “Diggin’ Elroy,” because I know them better than anyone else. I have a little bit of all of them in me.

You possess other people’s…bodies.”He accepted that statement with a nod.”Do you want to possess my body?””I want to do a lot of things to your body, but that’s not one of them.

I’ve always known I was gay, but it wasn’t confirmed until I was in kindergarten.It was my teacher who said so. It was right there on my kindergarten report card: PAUL IS DEFINITELY GAY AND...

I wasn’t saying whatever they’re saying I was saying. I’m sorry I said it really. I never meant it to be a lousy anti-religious thing. I apologize if that will make you happy. I still...

I should get 365 different t-shirts made up, each a slightly different color than the last, forming a gradient from green to blue. Then I should take a daily picture, and move down the color...

My shadow falling over a spot of land always increases its real estate value. Buy it now, because at high noon, all value will vanish.

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Who can fail to mist at Fergie’s anthem, ‘My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps.’ Hmmm. ‘My lunch, my lunch, I swear it’s coming up.

I had a dream about you. I’ll bet you are a much better lover in real life, and I hope your prices aren’t as high as I imagined.

Ree”) kept the café in fabulous baked goods, talked authoritatively about subjects from Aliens to Zork, and drew the attentions of countless lovelorn geeks.

Combat” McCloud. Fear my thunder! Love my chicken tenders.

Don’t make a feller wait too long. A feller waiting on a gal can get ornery’er than a huntin’ dog that’s tree’d it’s squirrel.

[Will Turner] “You didn’t beat me. You ignored the rules of engagement.”[Captain Jack Sparrow] “…that’s not much incentive for me to fight fair then is it?

Just like the cosmonauts and their pee plants, all we have is each other.

Cereal face,” and I took it while eating Cocoa Puffs.

I just want to fuck my baby! I’m your baby! Will you be my baby? Baby? Baby?” For one thing, he couldn’t decide whether he was the baby or the daddy. Make up your mind,...

I am the Mountain Climber of Love. I should mention that I’m deathly afraid of heights.

Will you sleep with me?” I expect you to run to the bedroom, get naked, and get under the blanket. Whatever you do, do not reach for the brick.

I thought I was in love, but it was only a head cold.” (Humans)