Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.

And no one was ill, and everyone was pleased, except those who had to mow the grass.

She had no mind, but I didn’t mind, because she had a body like an upside down question mark.

Death will be a great relief. No more interviews.

If we choose to behave differently, we are considered ‘Mad’ or ‘immature

If you don’t learn how to drown, you won’t learn how to love.

don’t try to hate me or even judging my attitude anyway you are gonna fall in love.

I don’t sleep naked, because that’s not proper beach etiquette.

I whirled in the room like a tornado wearing a tracksuit. I wasn’t wearing a tracksuit, but I did have a smirk like a zipper. I loved her like my fly was open to criticism.

There is nothing that I so greatly admire as purposefulness. I have an enormous respect for people who know exactly what they are doing and where they are going. Such people are compact and integrated....

If you were to gather all the minutes wasted on insignificant, immaterial yik yak spent throughout the day and add them up, how much misspent time do you think you’d have? One hour? Two hours?...

I’d dig a hole the size of the grand canyon to find a love the size of an acorn, and I’d use a shovel the size of a squirrel.

It was impossible to get the Dimitri and Tasha thing out of my head, but at least packing and getting ready made sure I didn’t devote 100 percent of my brain power to him. More...

I’m a sound sleeper. Every time I hear a sound I wake up. Sometimes I envy Helen Keller.

Pound-for-pound, I’m the best non-fighter in the world. I could kick Gandhi’s ass.

Act like you’re in pain.” Then she mimics a painful expression in case Summer doesn’t understand. On the contrary, Summer’s an expert at interpreting body language and reading lips. It’s all thanks to her observant...

If you’re going to be a narcissistic schmuck, kid, don’t bother studying Faulkner. Go straight to Brett Easton Ellis. He’s the role model you need.

Love is something you must work at. And if you can’t work at it, don’t expect the government to subsidize you. At least not until the Central Bank figures out how to counterfeit emotions.

Sorry,ʺ she said, her face shining with joy when she saw me. ʺShould have put a sock on the door. Didnʹt realize things were getting hot and heavy.ʺʺNo avoiding it,ʺ I said lightly, clasping Dimitriʹs...

Give me coffee or give me death. Or if not death, at least let me sleep a little bit longer.

If coffee is a drug, then I am a junky. And if coffee’s not a drug, then I’m still a junky. Damnit.

Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives.

I was looped in on your little romantic quest. The only way to get me out without it looking suspicious was to suggest that I come after you dumb asses, since I supposedly know your...

Statement: A girl and a boy jump into a river. The boy swims over to the girl and says, “God, it’s cold.”Question: What’s the probability they will kiss?

I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he’s gone.

Did you meet your soul mate? That always happens on the first day of school, right?”Oh God, Charlie, she’s letting you read again! You went straight to the paranormal section, didn’t you?

have a great day.” And I turned to leave. Damn! I am such a coward. Next time I’ll get her number, I told myself, even though I said the exact same thing sixty-some dollars ago....

What would have been the fate of sages if there were no fools?

John Locke invented common sense, and only Englishmen have had it ever since!

I welcome all You’re Welcomes with open arms and open zippers. My love for her is sandwiched between two slices of Thank You.

There was so much testosterone in the air, I felt like I needed a gas mask.

Having solved all the major mathematical, physical, chemical, biological, sociological, philosophical, etymological, meteorological and psychological problems of the Universe except for his own, three times over, [Marvin] was severely stuck for something to do, and...

My facial expression must have looked like a swarm of bees as I drank the hot brown liquid. Whatever it was, it was not the sting of coffee I swigged with swagger. Bitter is better...

You’re doing it again and it really annoys me. In fact, I will have to kill you now because I have a lot of untamed energy because of the Sex God. I’m going to have...

You’re just lying in the dirt and singing. That’s weird. I thought you were supposed to be some kind of scary monster.

Spelling Bees are useless and unnecessary competitions. Before Microsoft Word and Google, Spelling Bees had value, but now they are all superflewus.

That creature’s staying?’ It figured. Her daughter-in-law transforming into an animal? No problem. Having to take care of a cat? Crisis. (Sydney Sage-Ivashkov)

I had a dream about you. I smiled and you waved, and it’s unfortunate that neither one of these gestures was directed at each other. The person I was smiling at was the same person...

I write like if the color yellow had legs and could run a marathon while reclining back in a comfy sofa. I want some coffee, but I’m too lazy to get off my couch and...

A man who looks like Frodo just spent $150 on erotica books and asked for my phone number. I considered giving him yours just to spite you.

This is why we can’t have nice things…

They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines.””Maybe that’s why it’s hard to tell if we’re living in a tragedy or a farce.””We need...

Men will tolerate what they are used to, even if it’s intolerance. That’s why I still drink milk, even though I’m lactose intolerant. Mamma didn’t raise no bigot.

I normally don’t do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.

I tried telling him without telling him, through body language, and I observed he was unobservant.

My name is Yogurt Vonnegut, and I write with a spoon.

Alexander Hamilton Junior High School– SEMESTER REPORT — STUDENT: Joseph MargolisTEACHER: Janet HicksENGLISH: A, ARITHMETIC: A, SOCIAL STUDIES: A, SCIENCE: A, NEATNESS: A, PUNCTUALITY: A, PARTICIPATION: A, OBEDIENCE: DTeacher’s Comments:Joseph remains a challenging student. While...

PricklyWhen I’m feelingporcupine-y,I get nasty,I get whiny.Stay away orI might stick you.My sharp words arequills to prick you.

If there’s grass on the pitch,” and gives his small cock a quick squeeze under the desk.

He who knows all the answers, but none of the questions is like a large gobbling bird on Thanksgiving.