You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I’m telling you why,Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.

A theist can’t empirically prove that God exists but he believes in God because no one can allegedly disprove God’s existence. By his logic, you must believe in anything you can’t disprove. That means all...

God put Santa Claus on earth to remind us that Christmas is ‘sposed to be a happy time.

The whole concept of some stranger making his way down our chimney – not that we had one – suggested burglary more readily than generosity. Any Santa who tried it would have gotten a bullet...

It is often argued that religion is valuable because it makes men good, but even if this were true it would not be a proof that religion is true. That would be an extension of...

So I’ve started wearing sweatpants to bed because I really don’t need Santa seeing me in my underwear.

I pat the brand new twenty-seven inch Macintosh computers Mr. Foley brought us. ‘These boxes alone should make both of us scream like it’s Christmas morning! Snap out of it. Santa came! Now we get...

It’s Not About You, Mr. Santa Claus

Muggles have garden gnomes, too, you know,” Harry told Ron as they crossed the lawn.”Yeah, I’ve seen those things they think are gnomes,” said Ron, bent double with his head in a peony bush, “like...

I’m going to North Pole to help out Santa this year.

Losing your virginity is a lot like when you find out that Santa doesn’t exist… First you’re slightly disappointed, and then you’re happy because you’re in on the secret

As a children’s minister, I always believed that I was an evangelist, and at the end of the book, there’s a simple prayer that, whoever’s reading the book could accept Jesus as their Lord and...

I can hardly be expected to think like Santa. I get three times the letters, I poop burritos, and my penis is two reindeers more plentiful.

If you really think there’s a Santa, why don’t you sit on the front steps all night in the freezing cold and see if he climbs down any chimneys tonight. Good luck. And since we’re...

Like kids who only ever get socks for Christmas, but still believe with all their hearts in Santa.

I was afraid of anyone in a costume. A trip to see Santa might as well have been a trip to sit on Hitler’s lap for all the trauma it would cause me. Once, when...

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

There is something about Christmas that requires a rug rat. Little kids make Christmas fun. I wonder if could rent one for the holidays. When I was tiny we would by a real tree and...

We all ought to understand we’re on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn’t do kids any harm for a few years but it isn’t smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for...

Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.

Small unexpected acts of kindness are the building blocks of greatness. Start your day with a smile and see where it takes you …

The door opens with a rusted jingle, and an animatronic Santa insults my moral virtue three times. Ho, ho, ho.

Kids believe in Santa; adults believe in childhood.

Once upon a time, the Reindeer took a running leap and jumped over the Northern Lights.But he jumped too low, and the long fur of his beautiful flowing tail got singed by the rainbow fires...

It’s like pretending to be Santa and then stabbing someone with a candy cane!

I live in a cabin in Santa Cruz.

I do not pretend to be able to prove that there is no God. I equally cannot prove that Satan is a fiction. The Christian god may exist; so may the gods of Olympus, or...

I see Santa Claus and Joseph Smith and Luke Skywalker as the same person.

Beginning with Santa Claus as a cognitive exercise, a child is encouraged to share the same idea of reality as his peers. Even if that reality is patently invented and ludicrous, belief is encouraged with...

From the baking aisle to the post office line to the wrapping paper bin in the attic, women populate every dark corner of Christmas. Who got up at 4 a.m. to put the ham in...

Calvin: Dear Santa, before I submit life to your scrutiny, I demand to know who made YOU the matter of my fate?! Who are YOU to question my behavior, HUH??? What gives you the right?!...

The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin “Tubby” Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role of Santa with a beguiling authenticity. The false beard tended to muffle his...

Why is Santa an anagram for Satan? I mean, besides the fact that both have the same amounts of the same letters. Just consider the many other similarities between the two figures: both of them...

As a young child I had Santa and Jesus all mixed up. I could identify Coke or Pepsi with just one sip, but I could not tell you for sure why they strapped Santa to...

Residents of the squatter community of Christiana, Denmark, for example, have a Christmastide ritual where they dress in Santa suits, take toys from department stores and distribute them to children on the street, partly just...

I have never tried to walk through a mall in the Christmas season dressed like a jolly old elf. You might as well dress up like a pork chop and walk into an alley full...

He continues to smile expectantly. I take a step back. I don’t want to catch whatever he has. He is a disturbing out-of-uniform Santa.

I put on weight like Santa Claus. I just get this belly that kind of extends out.

We half-eat cookies and drink the milk, we leave notes, all so kids will believe in something that isn’t true. Kids try their best to scientifically determine whether Santa’s real and our whole culture feeds...