Because there’s no way on earth she’s going to make it through college unless she grows some serious ovaries and turns this train wreck around

A brick could be used to tell the time. If you can see it it’s daytime, and if you can’t see it it’s nighttime.

We were divided by color. Not black and white, but colour/color. She was British, and I was honoured to engage her in a spelling debate.

Going to work every day was like my hair was on fire and all I had to put it out was a hammer.

Women rule the world; we just let our men think they do.

As a lover I aim to please, and afterwards I aim at the toilet. Sometimes I miss, but no matter what, you’ll always receive splatters of intimacy.

Well, at least I am an orange”.

Make project plan as simple as possible, but not simpler.

I want to merge running a marathon and doing a handstand into one action. It will look similar to how I’d make love to a mannequin.

If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.

If you’re going to sit on someone’s tombstone, you might as well know something about them, right?

I loved her bravely, like a fighter turned sprinter. I loved her so fiercely that I never even dared speak of my feelings. And because I displayed as much passion as a statue, our relationship...

Be With Me In The Phases Of My Work Because My Brain Feels Like It Has Been Whipped And I Yearn To Make A Small Perfect Thing Which Will Live In Your Morning Like Curious...

A blanket could be used to silence your internal critic. And if you don’t shut him up, I’ll do it for you. Geez, I’m trying to read over here, and I can’t focus with his...

I don’t shower because water is the most corrosive element. Ever seen what it does to rock? I want a chiseled body, but I don’t want it to look like the Grand Canyon.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

That woman doesn’t have the sense God gave a retarded flea.

I sing like a flower, and I dance like a tree. Let us make love like an overflowing cup of coffee.

An as-yet-unpublished poet in Boulder, Colorado, once said to me that anything worth doing was worth doing badly. I may seem, in the foregoing sketchy pages, to have followed her advice rather too well.

In winter this town is freezing. You step out your door in the morning and the whole place looks like one of those nature specials in which a guy brings a camcorder to the North...

A brick could be used to keep you three inches away from death.

Aphorism, n. Predigested wisdom.

Even for the most excitable preacher, there was nothing inherently sinful about a waffle.

Having to eat fruit drives me bananas. But it’s OK, I park. Then I pick up a hooker and make love like I’ve got no money. And I really don’t have any.

A wise man once said that any human being is capable of infinite achievement, so long as it’s not the work they’re supposed to be doing.

Psychobabble attempts to redefine the entire English language just to make a correct statement incorrect. Psychology is the study of why someone would try to do this.

The dead are way more organized than the living.

Sometimes it’s the tiniest things that can mean the difference between life and death.

Adrian was easily distractible by wacky topics and shiny objects.

A story once went the rounds of Israel to the effect that Ben-Gurion described me as ‘the only man’ in his cabinet. What amused me about is that he (or whoever invented the story) thought...

All masculine, hard-bodied and sensual, he was a deadly weapon sent by the gods to drive women mad, and a walking billboard for all things wicked and carnal. Orgasms! Get your orgasms here. Hot and...

A brown blanket could be used in place of chocolate frosting on a cake, and since nobody will want to eat it, you’ll be left with more cake for yourself.

My drug of choice is love. Sure, I’ve tried other drugs, but no other drug gets both the dealer and user high from every transaction.

Mine,” Zane told the cat.

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Do Not Eat.” Since I don’t feel like cooking or making love, I’ll probably have it for dinner tonight.

people don’t generally believe themselves to be evil. Just strong. And they think that the world owes them something

I don’t like like like I love love, but I’ll bet we have that in common. You have so much love to give that I’m surprised I haven’t received any of it.

But back to the coffee. I was here on a mission. I just spent nearly five bucks I didn’t have for some coffee concoction that tasted like the charred remains of Hitler’s soul, and I...

You possess other people’s…bodies.”He accepted that statement with a nod.”Do you want to possess my body?””I want to do a lot of things to your body, but that’s not one of them.

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

My love is a flower. If you’d call that romantic, I’d agree and say it would look great on your grave.

I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?

My shadow falling over a spot of land always increases its real estate value. Buy it now, because at high noon, all value will vanish.

One cup contains Starbucks coffee, and one holds diarrhea. But which is which? Drink it, and the one that doesn’t make you vomit is the diarrhea.

Who can fail to mist at Fergie’s anthem, ‘My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps.’ Hmmm. ‘My lunch, my lunch, I swear it’s coming up.

This is no time for drinking a mug of water – which you would do nowhere else in the world. A mug of water! You just don’t drink water from mugs, do ya? Except on...

The word very will vary in muchiness. I love you very much, and that won’t vary from day to day.

But from the start I had withheld from him any information about the giant redwoods. It seemed to me that a Long Island poodle who had made his devoirs to Sequoia sempervirens or Sequoia gigantea...

Don’t make a feller wait too long. A feller waiting on a gal can get ornery’er than a huntin’ dog that’s tree’d it’s squirrel.