My father went AWOL the day I got dishonorably discharged from his penis.

you’ll be a danger to the ladies soon.”Harry very nearly rolled his eyes. Sebastian had already made conquests of nearly all the girls in the village near Hesslewhite. He must give off some sort of...

I took a deep breath and sighed in awe. My proverbial penis had just gotten a serious chubby.

I had liked him for all the wrong reasons.

I don’t know why it should be, I am sure; but the sight of another man asleep in bed when I am up, maddens me.

A flower blooms in my heart. You may call that love, but I call it water conservation.

She tried to tear herself away from him. The effort broke against his arms that had not felt it. Her fists beat against his shoulders, against his face. He moved one had, took her two...

They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.

Grabbing a scarf off the chair, I threw it at him. He caught it, clutching it to his chest as he flew into the air. “You gave Tink a scarf. Tink is free!” He flew...

I’ve begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It’s there for me every day. And the things it...

Robert Ingersoll’s character was as nearly perfect as it is possible for the character of mortal man to be… none sweeter or nobler had ever blessed the world. The example of his life was of...

Oh, the pain. The pain. It always rains. In my soul.

One time a woman made my heart flood with love, and then fled the scene of the subsequent boating accident. Many people drowned that day, and all of them remember it fondly as they fondle...

Cool people are only cool for the first thirty minutes of knowing them. After that, they just become annoying.

If love were a color, it’d be transparent, like all women’s clothing should be.

Well, I just don’t want you to think that this piece of shit is anything other than a pathetic, human defect. Nothing more. Not a monster, not a bogeyman. Nothing but another reason to feel...

I feel like I’m going to die,’ he says.‘Could we talk for a few minutes before you die?’‘Only if you do it quietly.’‘I met this girl last night. I need your advice.’‘Come back later.’‘No. You...

There really is no sense in pretending to be normal. Just be you because the moment you do, weirder things happen. Crazy comes back into fashion and every woman has to go out and find...

Zoo-Wee Mama!

Whiskey burns—my throat, not a forest. Love burns—my heart, not a forest. As for the forest, it burnt itself. At least that’s what I told the police during their interrogation.

If a couple has their picture taken at a wedding or other social gathering, and the woman looks hot, her guy could be blinking, chewing, or even mid-sneeze, and she’ll still display it on her...

I would rather make love than war, but only because condoms kill millions of lives more enjoyably.

You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That’s a step too far.

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

Well don’t expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.

So you’ve been gone a couple days,’ Alison said. ‘Hmm, what’d you miss…A celebrity did drugs. Politicians disagreed. A different celebrity wore a bikini that revealed a bodily imperfection. A team won a sporting event,...

We fell in love like two medium pizzas in one large stomach. I wish dad would have saved a few slices for us.

Who embalms the Undertaker when he dies?

My hair isn’t as white as snow, because it’s not old enough—or cold enough.

…There’s an -or- in -whore- because you always have a choice to respect your body and say no.

the smartest man in the room doesn’t visit many rooms.

In our world, I rank music somewhere between hair ribbons and rainbows in terms of usefulness.

Then I had to decide if I needed to wear shoes that kicked ass or were good for ass kicking, on account of there’s a difference you know. ~ Finger Lickin’ Fifteen

When I have children I want an even number of boys and girls, and that’s why I want 15 kids—7 boys, 7 girls, and one hermaphrodite named Sam.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

Apparently loved did weird things to a girl’s practical decision-making skills – Matilda

Morris Weissman [on the phone, discussing casting for his movie]: “What about Claudette Colbert? She’s British, isn’t she? She sounds British. Is she, like, affected or is she British?

I would so hate to be a first-person character! Always on your guard, always having people read your thoughts!

I didn’t know that idiocy caused people to just start spontaneously bleeding from the nose.

Way to introduce him to the vernacular, Palta.

I’m not just a guy’s guy. I also have a mom.

But who is ever fair in an argument?

This morning I ate a hamburger for breakfast, and then wept like a baby into an open jar of mayonnaise. I guess that’s just the champion in me.

With enough coffee anything is possible

Coffee and donuts go together like government policy and subsequent poverty.

If there was anything that depressed him more than his own cynicism, it was that quite often it still wasn’t as cynical as real life.

Of course it was a terrible thing, and the world would be a much better place without someone in it who could do that, but did that mean we had to miss lunch?

Two former students of mine are getting married. Congrats, grandpa and grandpa!

Peace cannot be achieved; they have to be plucked out of their pod.

There’s not a lot of food on the moon. Not unless you’re into cannibalism.