I don’t do ‘black music,’ I don’t do ‘white music’…I make fight music, for high school kids.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Tooth Fairy” Growing up in the Northwest was tough. For years I thought the Tooth Fairy was a big boat with cars and sharp teeth.

Preston, I don’t think this creature could ever find its way into your head. Quite apart from anything else, it seems pretty crowded and complicated to me.

By educating me at home, my parents were able to give me individualized attention without the usual distractions that kids in regular school experience, like dating and friendship. Not to mention that traditional school can...

I place a higher value on human life than on no human life. But only barely.

In real life, espionage and sex have so little to do with one another that for all practical purposes they could be married.

The cause isn’t worth getting up for, but it is worth sleeping for. Just trying to do my part to help humanity.

Everything will turn out right, the world is built on that.

women aren’t funny.” Using that same math, I can state: Male comedy writers piss in cups.

…Opal is dead, and I don’t see how a healer can change that! It’s not something to joke about.”Joke?” Then Owen hit his forehead and cried, “That’s right, you haven’t heard!”Heard what?” asked Adrien, who...

The birds bark my name, and I meow theirs in return. I may be a bit mixed up about life, but not about love. Or maybe I mixed that up.

The job knew I was dangerous when it took me.

My love grows long, and my smile is wide. My gaze is deep, and my penchant for making up words is apopleggio.

God, I envy him,” St. Vincent said feelingly, rubbing his own dark-circled eyes.

[The cats] scamper in front of my legs, causing me to fall and face plant into whatever furniture is closest. They especially like to play this game when I’m carrying piping hot coffee.

When I make love to you, Lanie, I want you to feel every inch of me buried deep inside of you, loving you, worshiping your body…

I applied for an overnight stocking position at a supermarket, but I didn’t get the job. It probably went to somebody the manager knew. What, did I have to go to Harvard to get the...

He turned the entire living room into an airport, complete with a four-foot-high LEGO traffic control tower and a fleet of paper planes, plastic army pilots taped safely into their cockpits. From deep beneath the...

Wait let me see if I can reach you using your own language. You do ken ‘tis year of our Lord two thousand and eight aye?

I’ve missed you, Sebastian.””Have you, love?” He unfastened the buttons of her robe, the light eyes glittering with heat as her skin was revealed. “What part did you miss the most?””Your mind,” she said, and...

Bein’ a soldier is not hard. If it was, soldiers would not be able to do it.

A brick could be used in a levitation demonstration. The best way to keep it afloat, along with the American Dream, is with debt and denial.

If a man were choking, what would I do? Depends. If that man is my boss, I’d strangle him.

I hang around kids so people will assume when I act like one it’s because I’m babysitting.

Tickets are 40 bucks at the window, and 190 bucks if you actually go through the window to get them.

Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don’t forget food. You can go a week without laughing.

There’s one thing you can say for air pollution, you get utterly amazing sunrises.

Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don’t laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.

Who knew death could lead to an eating disorder?

Even AWESOME MOMS use the F-BOMB!

The selection process is simple. Hubby exhausts every ploy in his psychological arsenal to filter out the liars, fakes, and undesirables. (If only every husband were so devoted . . .) Me, I try to...

Apparently Super Max was pretty content with taking care of half the town, such was his wonderfulness.

I’ve been single so long that if I hug a brother, he’ll get pregnant!

A brick could be used to decorate the interior of your anus. Here, bend over and let me demonstrate.

I have a star on Hollywood Blvd. It glows in the dark and I stuck it there myself.

A totally nondenominational prayer: Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that I be forgiven for anything I may have...

invest” my money.

I had a dream about you. Your skin was sandpaper and your armpits were hollow, filled with dark chocolate and prunes. You offered me coffee and when I said no you handed me black coffee...

The dull people decided years and years ago, as everyone knows, that novel-writing was the lowest species of literary exertion, and that novel reading was a dangerous luxury and an utter waste of time.

A giant! A giant in the forest! And we’re supposed to give him English lessons! Always assuming, of course, we can get past the herd of murderous centaurs on the way in and out! I...

I had a dream about you. You took control of my body and forced me to have sex with you. Then you called the cops, and the police said I raped you—but I was the...

I feel like getting married, or committing suicide, or subscribing to L’Illustration. Something desperate, you know.

I had a dream that Zac Effron showed up at my door shirtless with a bouquet of flowers..yep, I’m still waiting on that one to come true.

Don’t marry a man because he has a billion dollars. Divorce him for it.

If you’re alive, kick into drive. Chase whimsies. See if you can turn dreams into a way to make a living, if not an entire way of life.

I’ve stopped drinking, but only while I’m asleep.

I don’t want to be tied down in a relationship, I want to be tied down during sex.

Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I’m proving her wrong. I’m going to die on my knees, begging for my life.

Why is Santa an anagram for Satan? I mean, besides the fact that both have the same amounts of the same letters. Just consider the many other similarities between the two figures: both of them...

a lover of love.