Hey, would you look at that shit?”I turned on my heel. The patrons who’d fled at the first hint of trouble had come back and were enjoying the spectacle.”Clear out!” I barked.They paid me no...

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

As for monkeys, I would have five, and they would be named: See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, Do Pretty Much Whatever The Hell You Want, and Expensive Attorney.

If a woman named Ms. Silver won a gold medal, she’d probably be a little disappointed she didn’t place second. My love always finishes first, while my love always comes second.

I don’t have any babies or ambition. I have it all!

A blanket could be used to teach geography to a sleeping man. Better do it quick, before he wakes up and finds himself in the middle of World War III with no idea where he...

It is possible to be in two dreams at once. If I dream about you, and you are asleep at the time, you are in both your dreams, and mine. Still, you’re not really in...

You have a faculty for defining the simplest in terms of the grandiose, so that a poor devil like me can’t understand it.

Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don’t.

U.S. News Organizations observe the anniversary of September 11 with investigations about the nation’s continuing vulnerability to terrorism. First, the New York Daily News reports that two of its reporters carried box cutters, razor knives,...

Don’t wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty.Chocolate isn’t like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant.And it always feels good.

A brick could be used to help you write the book you’ve always wanted to write. That is, if you wanted to write a book on masonry with a target market of two—your parents.

No. In the morning. Don’t let that damnsunlight fool you. It lies.

Hazel, do you enjoy it?’ I paused a second, trying to figure out if my response should be calibrated to please Augustus or his parents. ‘Most of the people are really nice,’ I finally said.

What’s your name?’ she asked, and surprised herself. But for some reason, she wanted to know.Dean’s brother—he hadn’t been just some nameless Bad Guy Number Four. This vampire wasn’t, either. He had a name, a...

I’m looking for a man” Bree started.”Aren’t we all, dear? All I got’s bread and doughnuts, but they’re the next best thing””I don’t know about that .. well maybe doughnuts. I’ve lost my .. friend....

Gay ships are yay ships!

We have seen the best minds of our generation destroyed by boredom at poetry readings.

Looking back, retrospectively on the events of that evening, I can see the irony — the shrink whose cat ate his own tail. At the time of the incident, however, humor was not in my...

I had a dream about you. We spoke as though we shared one mind. And we did, though you got to use the brain on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, while I got it the other...

[Ranger] “How’s your mental health?” he asked. “I heard about Soder.”[Stephanie] “I’m rattled.””I have a cure.”Oh, boy.He put the truck in gear and headed for the exit. “I know what you’re thinking,” he said. “And...

He started to touch the mechanism under the keyboard, then pulled his hand back with a snap.”Ah,” he said. “Must deactivate the security….Turn around, please.””What?””Turn around, Claire. It’s a secure password!””You have GOT to be...

The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.

I took baby steps to overcome my embarrassment over my tiny infant feet. Would you dance with me even if I had the moves of a midget?

A man bumps me on his busy way without so much as an apology. But that is all right. I forgive you, busy man about town with the sharp elbows. Hail and farewell to you!...

A blanket could be used to fill the night sky with smoke, if you use it to suffocate the fire. And if you mess it up, I’ll use my hands to suffocate you.

I had a dream about you. I was a giraffe, and you were a stripper using my neck as a pole. We made a great team, sort of like the 1987 Cincinnati Reds, minus the...

We laughed together. It’s so lovely laughing with a man. It feels positive. Relaxed…

To love is easy, to be in a relationship is extremely difficult.

Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.

I was crying on the inside, but on the outside, to the casual observer, and to the man who was dying, I was laughing. That man was my father, and I haven’t laughed that hard...

My name might be similar, but I’d never say ‘Laters, baby.

A brick could be used to attract a potential life partner. Yes indeed, and it’s how I met my ex wife. And the only reason she didn’t become my life partner was because I outlived...

I’ve always felt I deserved a wider audience, so thank you for reading this.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn’t that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

I don’t think we are cut out to be evil sorcerers, brothers,” said Fentongoose. “If we were truly evil, we would not feel such sorrow at the deaths of our friends. We would just go,...

If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.

Hooray! I finally finished making a new book cover. Now I just need to write the book. The cover is the image of a man hanging, so perhaps I’ll write a romance novel.

Lauren realizes right then that the prospect of being single—of recent events leading to a divorce and her being a single mother with child support checks and the like—scares her to death. Dating itself is...

In less than a year, the Bush administration will strut out of office, leaving the country in roughly the same condition a toddler leaves a diaper.

Through a history book, I can time travel. Especially a history book from the future.

Seaworthy.

The back door popped open, and Claire, fairy wings all a-flutter, pulled Miranda inside. It was like a military operation, only with one hundred percent less camouflage.

When I was young I found out that the big toe always ends up making a hole in a sock.So I stopped wearing socks.

I rolled up to his house, rolled up my sleeves, ate a Fruit Roll-Up, and left. Ah, but that’s life, no?

You’re a monster.Thanks. Does this mean I get a raise?No, just a medal. The budget isn’t inexhaustable.

I continued toward Atlanta with a Merle Haggard C.D. playing on the stereo. They weren’t great hosts, but those guys in The Ted Kaczynski Fan Club had great taste in music. It was all classic...

She was a pretty good lover. Too bad she wasn’t pretty and good.

I always cheer up immensely if an attack is particularly wounding because I think, well, if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left.

You’re funny.’ Phoebe passed me the last chocolate cupcake. ‘And I always thought your friends were laughing over their own farts.”Ninety percent of Eastwood’s male population laughs over their own farts. Present company excluded, naturally.