I love animals, especially with barbeque sauce.

How often are we reminded that what matters in life can’t be quantified (I’m referring to the annual per capita frequency, to two decimals).

Isabelle drifted over, Jace a pace behind her. She was wearing a long black dress with boots and an even longer cutaway coat of soft green velvet, the color of moss. “I can’t believe you...

A brick could be used to smash my bottled up rage, and a blanket could be laid down beforehand to catch the shards.

Patience is learning to take a deep breath while you’re exhaling

‎No people whose word for ‘yesterday’ is the same as their word for ‘tomorrow’ can be said to have a firm grip on the time.

Humanism is my Religion, Good is my adoption , Bad is my Elimination, Acceptance is my Decision, Love is My Gift , Relation is my Affection ,Truth is My Strength, Help Is My Credit ,...

I want to understand the elements that compose courage in the same way I understand the periodic table. I feel that by knowing the periodic table of courage I can be courageous, at least periodically.

All is not lost – so why the hell should it stop to ask for directions???

Jace perched on the windowsill and looked down at him. “You really don’t get this bodyguard thing, do you?””I didn’t even think you liked me all that much,” said Simon. “Is this one of those...

A pile of hairy towels is not a passable substitute for a dog.

You always miss 100% of the shots you don’t order

gratitudenoun ˈgra-tə-ˌtüd, -ˌtyüd 1. The word thrown in your face by people who covet what you want and believe that your lack of contentment is a sin. Often, these people believe success is what you...

We were restless for ages…After a while I heard an owl hooting and calmed myself by thinking of it flying over the dark fields – and then I remembered it would be pouncing on mice....

Underwater nobody can dance. Let this be a lesson in basket weaving. And love.

Power exercised under the cloak of national security is odious. But power exercised under the microkini of national security is totally hot.

But, why? You punished me, okay? You’ve forbidden me to,” I shudder, “cum when you know my little body can only take so much of holding it in. I have a nine-inch dick, Randy. That...

I had a dream about you. You had a gun to my head, figuratively speaking. In a literal sense you were holding a needle to my temple, because I was Mr. Bubblegumhead. I just wanted...

My name is Markowski. I carry a badge. Also a crucifix, some wooden stakes, a big vial of holy water, and a 9mm Beretta loaded with silver bullets.I was never a Boy Scout but “Be...

But one look at Wildcard’s face, and he knew there was trouble. Problem? he signaled.Wildcard responded with an obscene gesture that more than conveyed his opinion that not only was this a problem, but it...

I went to Bath and Body Works this morning, because I really needed a shower. Hygiene is important to society, I have discovered.

My nose, it’s like a doorstop for fists. Violence is just my fellow man’s way of showing love to me.

Secret 4.1. Whatever makes a nail go in is a hammer.

We?” Simon looked at him in disbelief. “Are you ever going home?””What, bored with my company already?” “Let me ask you something,” Simon said. “Do you find me fascinating to be around?””What was that?” Jace...

There’s late, there’s fashionably late, and then there’s me, who’s always unfashionably late. If the party starts at 8:00 on March 5th, I’ll be there at 8:00 on March 5th—the following year.

Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both ends

I’m quite certain that if I lost my sense of humor, it would most definitely need to be replaced by a padded cell.

Je me rends parfaitement compte du desagreable effet que produit sur la majorite de l’humanité, tout ce qui se rapporte, même au plus faible dègré, á des calculs ou raisonnements mathematiques.I am well aware of...

You know, bullying,” her mother began. “I see it every day. Kids get bullied at school, they get cyber bullied, text bullied, Myface bullied.” “Oh, God!” Arista groaned. “It’s My Space or Facebook. Not Myface.

Here’s a creepy web trick: do a Google image search on ‘my grandma.’ … It’s her, isn’t it?

The cord pulled taut and she rebounded, flying back up before falling again. As her velocity slowed, she opened her eyes and found herself dangling at the end of the cord, about five feet above...

I see you brought along your violent little girlfriend. What a nice surprise!” – Saint Dane (The Reality Bug)

Of course, you didn’t want our help. Now I have to go beat up some soldier just to keep my ego intact.

Give up trying to convince people who you are, instead confuse them. It is a lot more fun!

You don’t need to windup the wind to keep it going. It’s the same with my erection. All you need is two AA batteries and one I love you.

My love for her is deep, like the ocean, only not so salty. My love for her probably only has as much salt as a bag of potato chips, though it’s much, much more addicting...

Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I’ll be damned if Rick Perry didn’t take me up on that.

A brick could be used to aid the lonely. Carry it with you, converse with it, and if you drink enough, you can even make love to it.

As chemists, we must rename [our] scheme and insert the symbols Ba, La, Ce in place of Ra, Ac, Th. As nuclear chemists closely associated with physics, we cannot yet convince ourselves to make this...

Leaving us with Eric is like hiring a babysitter who spends his time sharpening knives.

New Rule: It’s okay for the president to play ball in the house. It’s easy to judge and say this scene detracts from the dignity of the White House–until you consider the end zone is...

A brick could be used for good, or for evil. The Brick of Creation, or the Brick of Destruction. While you’re deep in thought, contemplating which one you’d rather use, I’ll be over there looting...

Libations are for the gods. Cocktails are for mere mortals.

Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.

With 87 other Elvis impersonators, I’m going to take over the world. Starting with Vegas. We will gyrate our hips out of love, and to end world hunger.

I’m like a sexually active bumper sticker. Canned vagina is always so hard to open and eat. Honk if you’re a lover—and in a hurry.

Even if I did create them myself, I still think I’m doing pretty well under the circumstances.

I Believe in Bonnie and Clyde the sign read. Finn read it again, and then again, not sure what to make of it. Then he looked at Bonnie and shrugged. “So?” … “So?” she hissed....

When I need to be in two places at once, make two decisions at once, that’s what clones are for.

Don’t leave it all unsaid,somewhere in the wasteland of your head.