I admire from a distance. Too close and the flaws form a craterous landscape and the charm is lost. Who do you think I am, Neil Armstrong?

I’ve got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.

Has all the trappings of a mystery novel, doesn’t it?

In my mind, I’m probably the biggest sex maniac you ever saw.

One of these days I’m gonna beat him in the face with the butt of my service revolver until an eyeball pops out. These are the thoughts that keep me happy.

I don’t like salad dressing. I prefer salad undressing. I’m a health freak. And I do mean freak.

Due to its late nature, tomorrow morning will start after tonight. People say early morning, but it’s later than late at night, so I say it’s entirely too decadent for me to be a part...

There are few things less comforting than a tiger who’s been up too late.

…the distance needed for humor is always missing from dreams.

If I went into the prosthetic limb business, I’d charge an arm and a leg.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

I told her I loved her, knowing she’d tell her I loved her and I wouldn’t have to tell her first face to face to see her reaction and feel rejection.

If there’s a 50% chance of rain, I guess it means it’ll be half sunny. Relationships are similar, with my love being sunny and your love being cloudy.

Obelmäker is eating at his desk, a habit both Baumauer and Pissec find repulsive.

The parrot had a range of phrases. His own name (‘Niko, Niko’), the name of his original owner and now ‘Stavros’. Occasionally he would also say ‘Panagia mou’, which could be an expression of piety...

An empty room holds nothing but memories. At least it would, if I didn’t just finish packing up the last of the sadness.

You’re supposed to pinch yourself – not the one you’re dreaming about.

She asked me if I had a light. I asked her if she was a wizard. She said no, so I felt safe in pulling out my pocket dragon.

I think Shakespeare said it best, when he said whatever he said about whatever he was talking about.

people don’t get meit’s more rule than exceptionGod bless exceptions

In life there are heads and there are tails however when one starts to excrete thoughts out of the latter and proceed to relieve yourself out of the former then you’ve become too full of...

A leap of faith doesn’t involve leg strength. Still, I can’t take any chances, so I’ve been doing squats.

Sir Eustace was with Royce and Stefan looking over some maps when he was informed by the guard that the ladies were asking for him. “Is there no end to her arrogance!” Royce bit out,...

Escaping goblins to be caught by wolves!

The good news is my neighbor survived the fire. The bad news is I like my food cooked a little more thoroughly.

The good Christian should beware of mathematicians. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell.

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in my bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. – Holden Caulfield

See. I told you I would get that boy to the alter eventually. All I had to do was pretend I was a loon.

Stairs, are they going up or are they going down? They’re so confusing! If love were a physical thing, it would be stairs.

My family has a Christmas tradition: Every year, they kill my mom.

But you have read Madame Bovary?’ (I’d never heard of her books.) ‘No.

Ah, dear Reader, is there a married man living who hasn’t purged his drawers and closets of premarital memorabilia, only to have one more incriminating relic from yester-life rear its lovely head? Kristy contends that...

The lunchmeat fell on the floor, and I didn’t know what to do, so I wiped it off on the bottom of my shoe and served it to my boss. Ah, but that’s life, no?

Phoebe doesn’t quite believe in fate the way I do. She says you have to chase your destiny, and she always expects life to be like a romantic comedy: all you have to do is...

I’d like a doggy bag to take home my leftover grilled canine burger.

People seem to overlook an old man losing his mind if he occasionally made light of it.

I’ll stab you with a pointy thingy. Not a sword, a knife, or even a mountaintop. No, I’ll use my index finger—and just to make a point about violence.

The internet’s a great way to meet people. You never really know someone until you see their fake profile.

Holly’s theory about the army,” Sharon explained.And what is it?” Denise asked, intrigued.Oh, that fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I’m considering writing a self-help book and giving people 20 cents to read it. This way, I can be sure they all get new paradigms.

I make love like you might make an omelet. At least, I’m hoping you might make an omelet, because I skipped breakfast like a child skips home from the class he just skipped.

I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.

I make love like the 13th floor is the 14th floor of a hotel. I give it that little extra that takes it to a whole new level.

Blood looks like red wine, but doesn’t go as well with cheese. And too much is spilled in war. No wine should ever be spilled on a battlefield.

I’d often slip and fall on the ice after last call, which explained the ever-present welts. If I were with a woman, I’d usually execute a precautionary vomit in the men’s room in an effort...

Thinking is hard work, which is why you don’t see many people doing it.

I love food that carries food. Run, waiter, before I eat you too.

In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.

I didn’t have enough money to tip the waitress, so I offered to take her out on a date, provided she paid for dinner. And picked me up.