I’m ready for Betty if Debbie calls. I’ve got two Susans worth of excitement saved up in my pockets, and my grandma pants couldn’t be tighter.

I’m off to make war, so that you may have love.

No good deed goes unpunished – Oscar Wilde

Anyone who thinks impressions of old movie actors is funny absolutely cannot be trusted. I think it’s like a law of nature.

Sopping, and with no sign of stopping, either- then a breather. Warm again, storm again- what is the norm, again? It’s fine, it’s not, it’s suddenly hot: Boom, crash, lightning flash!

I had a dream about you. Time didn’t exist for us. We were like two people who were in love who were always late. But we didn’t care, because where there is no time there...

I’ll sell you a whole half for half price, but that 50% price only has a half-life of a half a day. I’m only doing this because I’m a wholesome guy.

NO PDA,school rules. And besides she’s my partner dickhead.” said Alex.

And for once, Donald Rumsfeld, in the news at the time over the Iraq war made sense to me: “As we know,” he said, famously, “there are known knowns-things we know we know. We also...

I did not tell Fat this, but technically he had become a Buddha. It did not seem to me like a good idea to let him know. After all, if you are a Buddha you...

I wrote the story myself. It’s about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

The hidden cost of frowning is the negative impact on the people around you, which results in diminished productivity in the workforce, and lost tax revenue for the city. Thus, frowns should be fined, and...

Maruman does not loll.

Noah shifted on the bed, and the oddest crunching sound came underneath him. I looked, really looked, at the bed for the first time.”What,” I asked slowly, as I eyed the animal crackers strewn all...

This is a lot more satisfying,” he said, “when I have intelligent life whom I can render awed, rapt with attention for my clever verbosity.”The ugly lizard-crab-thing on the next rock over clicked its claw,...

You show me what someone listens to, I’ll tell you everything you want to know about his soul. (For instance, a bunch of Nickelback albums would have indicated he never had a soul in the...

Isn’t that thing a little unsanitary for the workplace?” I pointed to his lip ring.”I assure you that my lip ring is the last thing you should be worried about.” He smiled as he leaned...

And even, if circumstances required, a contingency plan for his contingency plan’s contingency plan.

My love is a cloud sound, silent as an orange flamingo. Too many swimmers have drowned while trying to fly, and there should be a law against making a law against that.

I admire the person who can write it right off. Mencken once said that a person who thinks clearly can write well. But I don’t think clearly–too many thoughts bump into one another. Trains of...

I don’t like it when I outweigh my men.

Is there a word for when you are young and pretending to have lived and loved a thousand lives? Is there a German word for that? Let’s say its schaufenfrieglasploit.

The first domesticated animal was the scapegoat.

Death didn’t bother me much. Strong Christian and all that. Method of death did. Being eaten alive. One of my top three ways not to go out.

I watched a bowl of fruit on the table remain motionless. Just another example of life imitating art.

There once was a man from Des MoinesWhose wife was always annoyedHe stepped in the kitchenShe started her bitchin’Now that fucking cunt is dead.

You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is...

God can use the jawbone of an ass!

I think it’s kinda nice.’ And I did. my mom isn’t famous for her pies. No, she’s famous for defusing a nuclear device in Brussels with only a pair of cuticle scissors and a ponytail...

You okay?””Fine.””Your heart’s beating really fast.””Gee, thanks. That’s very comforting that you can hear it.”He smiled, and it was the old Michael, the one she’d first met before all the vamp stuff.”Yeah, I know it...

You can take a dog outside, but you can’t make it pee

I’m an artist. I’m a cave painter. Archaeologists and art critics of the future are going to call me a genius. They’re going to say I was so far ahead of my time that I...

There are many ways to get to know someone, and my favorite is seeing them naked in Happy Baby pose.I also feel it is important to have sex soon after meeting someone in order to...

I wish every envelope enclosed a love letter. It’s this hope that leads me to open strangers’ mail. So you see, I’m a romantic, not an NSA employee.

I’d rather straighten my pubes with a flat iron than go on another blind date.

I think it’s interesting.

Prayer works (unless God has a different plan for you, that is different than what you want). Pray now. It works best if God is undecided.

I’m stoic like a statue of Stonewall Jackson. I’d make a great U.S. President, but I’d make an even better chiseled piece of marble—and that’s what makes me such an amazing lover.

We checked our bags and got on line with some of our fellow passengers. Judging from the looks of them, it was clear that they were members of a different income bracket from the people...

Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can’t see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily...

And that was just my hand, love.

I had a dream about you, I was cooking dinner and you came out of the bathroom with a troubled look on your face. When I asked what was wrong you said “I have never...

There were a few things scarier than a bipolar vampire off his meds, but to be honest, not that many.

I had a dream about you last night.We moved into a cabin in the countryside.I couldn’t handle the spiders.You couldn’t handle my drama.I moved back to the city.

Amy,” Elsie Moore said in her crackling voice, her gaze fixed on Declan. “I want you to get me a new bear. A blond one.

There must be a mistake,” I said. He adjusted his bag on his shoulder. “That’s a creative name. What do you shorten it to? Missy?

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

The Argentine tango isn’t here to play nicely with the other children. The Argentine tango is here to seduce your women, spill things on your rug, and sneak out your bedroom window in the middle...

James Carstairs! Jem! Where are you, you disloyal bastard?

Well, good Christ, how was I supposed to know all that, Hannah? Who looks into the fine points when he’s hungry? I’m eight years old and chocolate pudding happens to get me hot. All I...