Love is a gift that costs nothing to give. Love is also the most valuable thing in the world. Think about that next time you’re tempted to call me a cheap bastard because I didn’t...

These books can’t possibly compete with centuries of established history, especially when that history is endorsed by the ultimate bestseller of all time.” Faukman’s eyes went wide. “Don’t tell me Harry Potter is actually about...

It’s just that in the Deep South, women learn at a young age that when the world is falling apart around you, it’s time to take down the drapes and make a new dress.

I had a dream about you. My office was a closet, and your office was a huge fur factory. I wanted a raise, and you got the elevator.

Worry is the interest you pay on a debt you may not owe.

Gross.

This guy looks like Humphrey Bogart with a beard. Makes me so jealous I could just stab him. And I would too, if I didn’t suspect him of holding a smoking gun.

What’s the point of being the first to arrive? Nobody is there to witness your commitment.

40Wednesday has been canceled due to a scheduling error.

Oh, I see. As long as you didn’t kill her, kill her, then that’s okay.

I had a dream about you. You were playing the guitar like it was a piano, and I was impressed with my deafness. You played awfully, but all I could hear was I love you.

Maybe it was me,” Grandma said.”Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart?

I went on a date last night and things went well. If you must know, I got lucky. I found a four-leaf clover.

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.

Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Most of the upper management of I.S. were undead. I always thought it was because the job was easier if you didn’t have a soul.

I had a dream about you. You wrapped the American flag around you like a towel, while I let Russia shower me with praise. The people over there really seemed to love me, probably because...

Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough!

Every time you publish a book, be prepared to eat a fresh slice of humble pie.

At church, during communion, they give out free wine. Whoa! Talk about a great place to drink and meet women.

You are dead. It just hasn’t occurred to you yet.

No one messes around with a nerd’s computer and escapes unscathed.

Wait, that’s your idea? That’s your expert advice? You’re going to tell these novelists to just keep going? You’re going to tell these honest, earnest writers: You gotta have faith? Those are George Michael lyrics,...

There will be pain.” (Qyburn)”I’ll scream.” (Jaime Lannister)”A great deal of pain.” (Qyburn)”I’ll scream very loudly.” Jaime Lannister)

Couldn’t you just lie and tell me you have some kind of secret badass weapon that is going to make this a piece of cake?

Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you are making too much money.

He’ll think I’ll do it, he’ll act like I’ll do it, and so I will do it. But if he will think differently, maybe I will act differently. But I know me, I know him,...

I love how sincere she is. She makes a mannequin look like Mother Theresa, though she looks better naked. And I hope she thinks I look better naked than a dead woman.

Je me souviens de mon effroi devant un premier baiser. Et si l’autre me mangeait la langue? C’est d’abord mon meilleur morceau de viande que je lui confie aveuglément.

We did something incredibly stupid today.””I know. We should never had had sex without that darn condom.””What?!

I enjoy reading books by way of subtitles from the movies they got made into.

A man who discovers his pants are on fire tends to have very little time to worry about somebody else’s box of matches

It’s part of the marriage vows. Didn’t you read the fine print? To have and to harass.

The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you’ll look back and thank them for...

The commodity I sell is nonsense. Condiments sold separately. Ah, but that’s life, no?

It stank pretty bad, of course: manure was caked all over the wagon. But we were free. Right then I was elated with a sense of how faithful God is to his promises; I was...

I do not believe in God. Instead I believe in the power of Family. And occasionally, when I’m feeling optimistic, in free will. But blood is a force to be reckoned with. God for example,...

Very well.” He sat cross-legged on the floor of the cage. “You haven’t run off so you want to talk. I will hear your explanation now.””Really, Your Majesty? So good of you to condescend. I’ll...

I’m back… and you knew I was coming. On my way here I passed a cinema with the sign ‘The Mummy Returns’.

When you feel like throwing rocks, make sure they’re ones no one can throw back.

I went to visit my dad. He didn’t say a word to me. Or if he did, I couldn’t hear it through the grass, the dirt, and his coffin lid.

By Aladdin’s lamplit scrotum, man! Everything is a story. What is there but stories? Stories are the only truth.

If a tree falls in the forest and kills your ex-wife, what do you do with the lumber?

I’m lyrically illiterate. Actually, more accurately, I can’t read music.

You have no tail!” said Brightspot. her own whipped suddenly forward; she stared, first at it, then at Wilson.”How do you manage?

It’s a little early in our relationship for us to be ‘surmounting,’ but, hey, I’m game if you are. I’ll even let you be on top.” He looked directly at me, a coy smile playing...

Nona was as wacky as they came.

The stranger was as white as a gallon of milk, and I felt the desire to pour his soul into my coffee. I’d drink him like the ghost of my grandpa.

Subject: SundownDate: June 14 2011 09:35To: Christian GreyDear Completely & Utterly SmittenI love waking up with you, too. But I love being in bed with you and in elevators and on pianos and billiard tables...

If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon.