On wheels. It’s fun to ride sometimes, when you don’t care how you smell.

Anyone that looked like that wouldn’t need to tie up girls and imprison them in order to get them to marry him

I’ve noticed that when people are joking they’re usually dead serious, and when they’re serious, they’re usually pretty funny.

I am passionate about creating, not about procreating. My love for art is greater than my love for making love.

I prefer kissing over dinner. Not that I prefer kissing to dinner, but I prefer kissing over the plate containing my dinner, especially if my dinner consists of something romantic like monkey brains.

Love is the best feeling in the universe. Actually, that’s not true. But only because I haven’t been very many places in the universe.

A brick could be used to monitor earthquakes. If the brick crumbles apart, you can bet an earthquake occurred.

God picked me to be his punching bag…so who am I suposed to pray to for mercy?

New Rule: You can’t force the ATM to do something it doesn’t want to do. Excuse me, lady in front of me at the Citibank ATM, but you’ve been standing there punching buttons for ten...

A brick and a blanket are the perfect symbols for the superhero Captain Dense.

If life has taught me anything, it’s that no matter what you should do, you should love. Even if you’re in the process of murdering someone, possibly a politician, your heart should be filled with...

I’m going to get ‘I’M NOT FUCKING DEAD’ tattooed on my chest.””That will become inaccurate at some point, ” Omar pointed out.

Other candidates may say they have 10 years of real-world experience, but I say, What, did they work nonstop with no sleep for a decade? If that’s the case, then I am an expert sleeper...

I’ve demanded of myself to be more demanding of others.

FEBRIZIUM();” said Buggeroff, and the foul smell immediately disappeared as if by, well − Magic.

For months in the fall of 2001, our highways looked like a county fair on wheels. “Look out, Al-Qaeda—patriot on board!” I once saw a guy with five flags tell a guy with four flags...

Now then,” he mused, “how does one fly a dragon?

I farted like a pack of crying onions. That was my response to her I love you.

Nobody taught me to be like this. I was born this way. Since I opened my eyes to the world, I have never slept with a man. Never. Just imagine what purity. I have nothing...

It’s good if you think bad thoughts, because at least you’re thinking. That’s more than most people do.

I killed him, but that doesn’t mean I enjoyed every second of every month of the torture process.

I heard one presidential candidate say that what this country needed was a president for the nineties. I was set to run again. I thought he said a president IN his nineties.

I’ve got daughters. Nine years old and six years old. First of all, I’m gonna teach them about values and morals. But if they make a mistake, I don’t want them PUNISHED with a baby.

What’s the biggest problem facing teenagers today? Ourselves. We’re a generation of lazy underachievers who need to learn that hard work pays off. What’s your town known for? Cow manure! Hold for laughs… Actually Irondale...

Who needs a large vocabulary when you can just make up any word at any time? It makes life a whole lot more emeaglibop.

Nobody would use scissors to mow a golf course, I need a haircut, and I’ve only got 18 holes to do it in. If I had a wheelchair, maybe I could improve my handicap.

A brick could be used to make love better. Faster isn’t always better. Don’t you want to make love better?

Thanks, I try to look good.

Did you read the part that says, ‘Your hair is like a flock of goats’? How romantic is that? Or that other line, ‘Your neck is like the tower of David.’ Oh, now, that sounds...

I asked Hillary why she had chosen Yale Law School over Harvard. She laughed and said, “Harvard didn’t want me.” I said I was sorry that Harvard turned her down. She replied, “No, I received...

…there was practically one handwriting common to the whole school when it came to writing lines. It resembled the movements of a fly that had fallen into an ink-pot, and subsequently taken a little brisk...

There’s no trouble in this world so serious that it can’t be cured with a hot bath, a glass of whiskey, and the Book of Common Prayer.

A clock is a pie, and my piece is between 1 and 12. It’s always time to love—especially if it’s filled with cinnamon apples.

Remember what?” And that’s precisely my point—you can’t even remember what you can’t remember, and I’m here with a blanket to help. So scoot over and let me lay in your bed with you.

Coffee smells like how I imagine heaven will be scented. Would you like to spend eternity in my nose?

I don’t put up with being messed around, and I don’t suffer fools gladly. The short version of that is that I’m a bitch. Trust me, I can provide character references.

Don’t do anything stupid.”Don’t worry,’ I whispered over the line, ‘I’m an expert on stupid.”You’re…”Like, I can spot stupidity, because I know it so well. The way an exterminator knows bugs really well, and can...

Look at the stupid, poor people. Look at the stupid, poor, burned-out people. Look at the stupid, poor, burned-out people, look at their dead baby. It’s death porn for the masses.

I am a social outcast, shunned by society. Nobody ever invites me to parties. My own birthday avoids me, and only comes around every two years.

Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally. —T-SHIRT

A brick could be used to control whole populations of people. Just get a good looking person, like a news anchor, to give it out to the masses and say soothing things with a straight...

I once wrote a book ten stories high. Each story was a story.

You do have that effect on people.

What do you think dignity’s all about?’The directness of the inquiry did, I admit, take me rather by surprise. ‘It’s rather a hard thing to explain in a few words, sir,’ I said. ‘But I...

Unoka went into an inner room and soon returned with a small wooden disc containing a kola nut, some alligator pepper and a lump of white chalk. “I have kola,” he announced when he sat...

There’s a saying,” Aeneas said: “Keep an eye on Greeks when they offer gifts.” He spoke wryly. “Horses, particularly.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that it is thus my own fault when these people I have been talking about finally stop saying “Ah” and tell me it’s a pity I always do such...

Neden adam onun kalbini yemiş?-Çünkü bazı erkekler canavardır.-Kadın neden onu seviyor?-Çünkü bazı kadınlar canavarlardan hoşlanır.-Ben de mi?-Bilmem. Sen de mi?-Ben normal canavarlardan hoşlanacağım-Büyük konuşma, seni de göreceğim.

I believe men belong in the garage, because that’s where the dog food is stored. And the band is kept there. Auditions start after I move the car.

Both of the items were used in an attempted murder, but hers was a dagger, and mine was a baby’s rubber bottle nipple. That was the last time I took a stab at love.