The F word turns me on, she whispered. The F word?FoodHe threw back his head and laughed. It rumbled up out of his chest and felt so good it startled him. For the first time...

My streak of breaking sticks was snapped when I couldn’t snap the twig. So instead I snapped my fingers. And I discovered I have some real musical talent, so I’m hoping to audition to be...

Why did the brick and blanket cross the road? Because some maniac had just run over the chicken. That maniac was me, and that chicken was delicious.

It was the hat. He looked sweet in the hat. How could a man in a fuzzy blue hat have used human bones to pave his roads?

The covers of this book are too far apart.

I bought a big brown stuffed animal. You know, for dinner.

I saw a white toilet, with no plumbing, alone in a field of snow. Well, almost alone. There were two naked albinos and a polar bear sitting on it, and I felt inspired to write...

Not another word, not another thought, not another sniffle. If you need to pass gas, I pray you’ll clench your backside and keep walking until we are certainly alone.

It was dark in the alley, and I was afraid I’d get mugged. Coffee also fears it’ll get mugged.

A brick could be used instead of a red light. They’re both red, and I’d run both with equal fervor.

It was one of the dullest speeches I ever heard. The Agee woman told us for three quarters of an hour how she came to write her beastly book, when a simple apology was all...

Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

However, my next-door neighbors had an entirely different manner of eating. When I’d go over there for dinner, it was buffet style, only a truly global sampling. Beluga caviar from Iran, with each individual egg...

Number eight of the ten Amazon commandments: never fight an opponent face-to-face if you couldn’t defeat him. Wait and stab him in the back later.

Although initially only few in numbers, it seems my gray hairs have launched an effective peer-pressure campaign intended to convert the others.

My computer file is zipped, but my pants are not. Let us make love like 1968, before Al Gore invented the internet.

If we were to do the Second Coming of Christ in color for a full hour, there would be a considerable number of stations which would decline to carry it on the grounds that a...

It’s about time! It’s supposed to be a ritual, not a marathon.

Believe me, It would be better if we didn’t meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you’re still...

Finger food, is that food you eat with your fingers, or is that where you eat your fingers? I’m starving, but I also want to play the piano, so I need to know.

A brick could be used to suppress the price of gold. But not for very long, because once the people realize the unrealized potential in undercutting the central bankers, gold will rise and fiat currency...

You’re thinking I’m one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I’m not. I say its a free country...

Guns don’t kill people , people kill people

A brick could be used to direct traffic. Use a brick from the scene of the accident, where some driver ran into a brick wall.

You remind me of an old cat I once had. Whenever he killed a mouse he would bring it into the drawing-room and lay it affectionately at my feet. I would reject the corpse with...

It’s been a while since I’ve had sex. I figured it was just like riding a bike, the only difference is that after a while, the bike doesn’t turn you over and ride you.

I can cook a mean hamburger. I can also cook a rude hamburger, and probably a sarcastic one, depending on how snarky the patty gets.

A brick could be used to flavor your bathtub water, and raise the fluid level, so you perceive that you have more to drink.

At least I rescued your poor hot dog.

I am a great customer. I’m not a loyal customer, but that’s what makes me great—my willingness to shop other brands for better buys.

Check a phone book out of a library. Inside is a foggy castle covered by a black leather glove, watched over by a shaggy gray dog. My name is written in numbers in the sky...

He had heard about talking to plants in the early seventies, on Radio Four, and thought it was an excellent idea. Although talking is perhaps the wrong word for what Crowley did. What he did...

I had fun last night,” I told Patch, flicking off my chin strap and handing over my helmet. “I’m officially on love with your sheets.” “That the only thing you’re in love with?””Nope. Your mattress,...

If you ever find yourself in a blender with a banana and an orange, just start throwing karate chops.

Look, let me just say it: He was hot. A nonhot boy stares at you relentlessly and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault. But a hot boy . ....

I’m Crusty,” he said, with a tartar-yellow smile.I resisted the urge to say, Yes, you are.

You don’t happen to have a thousand dollars I can borrow?” “I don’t have five you can borrow. My piggy bank is officialy anorexic.

I’m clingy like clang on pots. My love is cookable.

Dude, I don’t want to talk about Lacey’s prom shoes. And I’ll tell you why: I have this thing that makes me really uninterested in prom shoes. It’s called a penis.

An ordinary man can enjoy breakfasting on juice and rye bread.But when you are underfed, scorned, miserable or just plain bored, you don’t want to eat dull wholesome food.You want something a little more colourful,...

Paranoia is habitual. If you get slapped in the face every time you turn a corner, then you’ll EXPECT to get slapped in the face every time you turn a corner.

I didn’t know a van could go up on two wheels like that, for so long.” -Nudge

People who discriminate understand that they are a stranger to others.

[Reverend James] Dobson says that the [Spongebob Squarepants] video would be watched by millions of elementary school students and includes a reference to being ‘tolerant of differences.’ The nerve! Who does Spongebob think he is?...

We’ll make it a blowout like in the olden days.””When dinosaurs roamed the earth?” Teddy asked.”Exactly,” Dad said. “When dinosaurs roamed the earth and your mom and I were young.

Randy lay there like a slug. It was his only defense.

If I were being honest with myself, he lit a blaze, not just a blush, but that’s too much reality for me to admit.

That’s our cue to depart.” “They know something ” I pointed out. “I know something too. I know we’re going to attract a lot of unwanted attention if they keep screaming. And then we have...

A brick could be used as a way to motivate yourself to succeed. I’m proof that it works. It’s how I managed to get second to last in my last race.

Well,’ I said. ‘I could strip off my clothes and reveal to you that under my jeans and sweatshirt I’m actually wearing a tank top and short-shorts, much like Lara Croft from Tomb Raider…only mine...