As a general rule, I preferred not to have my soul reaped.

Don’t try. Just do it.

I turned on my faucet, and out slithered a clear garden snake. It was too cold to shave with, so I grew out a beard and patch of broccoli. Sometimes my love is liquid, and...

I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.

What the government makes to make money is money. They make money by making money—literally printing it. While the private sector has to make money the hard way—by producing a good or service that others...

I try to avoid having thoughts. They lead to other thoughts, and—if you’re not careful—those lead to actions. Actions make you tired. I have this on rather good authority from someone who once read it...

Like the ocean I wave. Hello and goodbye are the same, when I talk with my hand.

Never confuse honor with stupidity!

Home. The word circled comfortably in my mouth like bubble gum, swished around sweetly soft and satisfying. Home. Try saying it aloud to yourself. Home. Isn’t it like taking a bite of something lovely? If...

One day I realized a new found superpower was bestowed upon me. I could walk straight on sidewalks.

The paradise in women is not the v-shape manipulation between their legs, or the two lovely bombs, set on their bosom that can blast any strong, holy spirit filled individual, but that part of her...

The world is drowning in weirdness and lies……and here we are, so used to it that we’re actually bored!

What a pair they were – a Mistborn who felt guilty wasting coins to jump and a nobleman who thought balls were too expensive.

He had sky eyes and sun hair and all the women loved him. And all I had was an empty coffee cup, full of sleepy hope.

Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It’s beyond me.

I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is...

Don’t drown.” At least there should be. I may have just Michael Phelpsed myself, but it’s all gold.

The Butcher of Babylon featured in over 500 porn films between 1974 and 1982, and was best known for his motto: Come for the butcher, stay for the meat.

Capitalist cycle of profit. The rancher sells a cow for profit. The butcher sells cuts for profit. The restaurant sells meals for profit. And the patrons spend money for profit.

I have to say, old friend, you were supposed to help train her, not drop her off a cliff.

I need your compliments to feed my ego, because it’s bored of mac and cheese. And honestly, so am I.

I’m tired of ignorance held up as inspiration, where vicious anti-intellectualism is considered a positive trait, and where uninformed opinion is displayed as fact.

Sorry. i just can’t seem to help myself. My brain is freaking out. Two predawn mornings in a row. It doesn’t know what to think, how to act. I’ll have a talk with it later....

I am very much out of my element here. There are moments, listening to the conversations going on around me, when I feel I am going to lose my mind. Earlier today, I heard someone...

I’m two quarters the way to having 50 cents. That’s right, I have one quarter. But I’m also one quarter in love, and I feel rich!

In that I’m lucky you’re all so dumb.

If you’re from a town called Away, when you’re home, you’re Away. But when you’re away, you’re not home.

Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.

I got you a box full of unfull. I know I shouldn’t have, but that’s why I should have. As a lover, I always leave you hungry for more.

Vampires have credit cards?””We’re undead, not Amish.

It is quite futile to argue that man is small compared to the cosmos; for man was always small compared to the nearest tree.

I will say it again. Ambivalence is key.You have to care about your work but not about the result. You have to care about how good you are and good you feel, but not about...

I love you like bananas—bunches. Monkeys also love bananas. I’m growing a tree in honor of honor, and I think we should hang out.

He sure put things into words good.

He had threatened my parents. I had to remember that. Still, it was really hard to stay mad at a wounded naked man.

Don’t even think about it.””Well, when can I walk by myself?””When you get your driver’s license.””You always, always say that.” Dillie scowled at him. “That’s when everything happens.””It’s going to be a busy day,” Phin...

More often than not, if a person is wearing a smile, there is a victim attached somewhere.

Number of empty Ben & Jerry’s containers: 3 — two mint chocolate cookie, one plain vanilla. (Who buys plain vanilla ice cream from Ben & Jerry’s, anyway? Is there a greater waste?)

She wasn’t much for words, but she told me she loved me in other ways, like showing me her main superpower—invisibility. I often wouldn’t see her for weeks straight, and for her to show me...

If I order an appetizer is there any chance I can get it quickly? I’m two and a half months pregnant with a Bradford,” she said, not mentioning it was twins because the thought was...

I wanted the apartment, and I figured I could cover him up with a bookcase or something.

I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.

Love in a box. It’s a gift—for both of us, from both of us.

A bunch of bad songs, make an awful whine.

A brick could be tied to a cape, and then exalted as a superhero. Is that any more absurd than Superman?

Headache!” Zeus bellowed. “Bad. bad headache!”As if to prove his point, the lord of the universe slammed his face into his pancakes, which demolished the pancakes and the plate and put a crack in the...

My advice for a healthy life: love, laugh, and pee in the shower. High school class reunions would be better if divided by gender and held in the locker rooms.

One might be led to suspect that there were all sorts of things going on in the Universe which he or she did not thoroughly understand.

My love is shaped like a dog whistle—the sound, not the thing. As a lover, I’m a fighter. But dogs have more bark than me—and so do trees.

Old age is not just for grown up’s