But with man the case is otherwise, in that when logic leads to any humiliating conclusion, the sole effect is to discredit logic.

FORTUNECOOKINT of the Week: The paper this fortune is printed on contains more nutrients than the cookie it came in.

Ulysses,” by Joyce, because like my undergraduate college degree, that’s nine and a half years of my life I’ll never get back. If the book had been about 75 pages shorter, I might have finished...

Searching through Monster.com while on the clock feels like being on Tinder while still married.

There is truth in wine, but you never see it listed in the ingredients on the label

No. Now, shut up and eat your pears.

I love to read. My favorite thing.

People should be heard, and music should be listened to.

Secret 1.93. The professional intelligence officer assumes nothing. The successful professional intelligence officer assumes less than that.

I was only 20% right, while she was 80% right. Still, I was right that she was wrong—20% wrong.

Weetzie could see him–it was a man, a little man in a turban, with a jewel in his nose, harem pants, and curly-toed slippers. “Lanky Lizards!” Weetzie exclaimed.”Greetings,” said the man in an odd voice,...

Darwin says people like you need to die.” (Carrow)

Your Excellency, I have no need of this hypothesis.

The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor with adult content.

Every instinct that is found in any man is in all men. The strength of the emotion may not be so overpowering, the barriers against possession not so insurmountable, the urge to accomplish the desire...

The official spokesperson is the most anonymous source of all.

My brain is an amazing machine. Too bad I can’t take credit for it. As brilliant as I am, think how profound the Designer that created me is.

After about eight hours, I lose my focus and all of the sudden I find myself not being able to sleep at all. It’s as if I’ve temporarily lost my skill for laying still and...

A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

,Y qué crees tú que ha hecho?-no me importa lo que haya hecho, y a ti tampoco debería importarte. Vamos. Volvamos con Aria. Va por ahí.-Ya sé por donde ha ido.Rugido le dio una palmada...

If you want to save your child from polio, you can pray or you can inoculate. … Choose science.

I’m not the same person I was when I wasn’t. I’m different now, in that now I’m drinking coffee.

The photoshopping of female models is sending precisely the right message to young girls: Learn image editing software!

My love letter had so much ink that it weighed as much as a bowling ball, but it was emotionally heavier. That’s probably why she bowled a 300 with it.

Love is seeing her smile as if it’s a sunrise. It’s beautiful, but geez, I wish she’d quit grinning at me while I’m trying to sleep.

A friend comes over with a Ouija board.It spells out: Bourbon. Where’s the band?Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean you can’t have fun.

It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever,” he said. “Have you thought of going into teaching?

It kind of struck me how great it would be to go out with a guy that size. And if you, you know, got tired of dating him, you could always use him as a...

With sex, I’d recommend practicing a lot. But remember, have fun with it. After all, you do want to get your money’s worth.

A problem isn’t a real problem till you decide to make it a problem… so what’s the problem again?

I’m a competitor, and I welcome competition. My ideal matchup would be the best versus the best, or more concretely, me versus my clone. I don’t know if he’d beat me or if I’d beat...

It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression, ‘As pretty as an airport.

With the world’s fate resting on your shoulder – you’re gonna need someone on your side.You can’t do it by yourself any longer – you’re gonna need someone on your side.

Speak softly and employ a huge man with a crowbar.

Normal….What the majority of people look, act, and talk and like.So what if the majority became what we see as wierd now?Would our normal, become our new wierd?

A candle that smells like asshole would be an instant hit in prison.

One hardly need believe that the events in your life are actually planned as bolts from the blue, sent special delivery from a deity who is testing and training you like a lab rat! And...

The only questions I’ll ask my clone, are ones in which I already know the answer. This is the path to self-discovery.

Love tip # 29: Increase your chances of getting to second date by not having stinky garlic breath during the end of the first date. Especially if you’re dating a vampire.

There are some bad people on the rise;they’re saving their own skins by ruining people’s lives.

People who didn’t need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn’t need people.

He has a very nice face and style, really,” said Mrs. Kenwigs.”He certainly has,” added Miss Petowker. “There’s something in his appearance quite–dear, dear, what’s the word again?””What word?” inquired Mr. Lillyvick.”Why–dear me, how stupid...

I’m as efficient as a fish ant, I’m as mythical as a productive government employee, and I’m the kind of lover your mother would approve of. Ask her—she’ll tell you how good I am in...

I think the very word stalking implies that you’re not supposed to like it. Otherwise, it would be called ‘fluffy harmless observation time’.

It’s not true that selling stolen goods has no overhead. Prison’s got a ceiling.

There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says “Morning, boys. How’s the water?” And the two young...

What doesn’t kill us makes us funnier.

At the Temple of the Seven-Handed Sek a hasty convocation of priests and ritual heart-transplant artisans agreed that the hundred-span-high statue of Sek was altogether too holy to be made into a magic picture, but...

I’ve got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.

Me mating with a midget is like a skyscraper having sex with a cathedral. But still I’d like to try. Just not while mass is in session.