Marsh: Our best efforts were never even a mild annoyance to the Lord Ruler.”Kelsier: Ah, but being an annoyance is something that I am very good at. In fact, I’m far more than just a...

Humor is the whole truth.

And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone...

The river didn’t fall down the mountain. No, it took the escalator. I love swimming down stairs like I’m Michael Phelps in a wheelchair.

Falling in love is painful on the knees.

You know, most men would get discouraged by now. Fortunately for you, I am not most men!

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

Bridget – I like my tea like I like my men. Strong, sweet and dark.Joan – I like my tea like I like my men too. Still warm.

A new poll found that 84% of American people were disgusted by Congress, and my only thought is, Are 16% of Americans insane? If they’re not disgusted, they should eat a bowl of vomit soup....

Carlos: So, what, were they psychos, or… Seth: Did they look like psychos? Is that what they looked like? They were vampires. Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don’t give a fuck...

I stood and walked around the desk so I could stand over him. Menacingly. Like Darth Vader, only with better lung capacity.

Grandpa had a good life, up until the day we slaughtered him and ate him. Honestly, he raised chickens, so he should have seen it coming.

And what have I done?” What? WHAT?…You’ve stolen them.” With that, Cornelia fled, but Buttercup understood; she knew who “them” was. The boys. The beef-witted featherbrained rattledskulled clodpated dim-domed noodle-noggined sapheaded lunk-knobbed BOYS.

1492. As children we were taught to memorize this year with pride and joy as the year people began living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America. Actually, people had been living...

Actually, [Wax] said, we came here because we needed someplace safe to think for a few hours.”Ranette: “Your mansion isn’t safe?”Wax: “My butler failed to poison me, then tried to shoot me, then set off...

America’s problem, in a word, is politicians. In two words, it’s politicians and lobbyists. In three words, it’s politicians, lobbyists, and lawyers. And finally, in four words, it’s politicians, lobbyists, lawyers, and bankers.

All You Need Is Love” in homage to their memory.

If Marilyn Monroe was alive right now, what would she be doing?’Clawing at the roof of her coffin.

The older I get, the more I’ve got going for me. Each yesterday is a new me I’ve got working for my collective experience, like an army of clones.

Macho does not prove mucho.

We must, we must, we must increase our bust.

I sighed and deleted the message, imagining the dirty clothes multiplying like rabbits, because that’s what they do when I’m not around.

If it was appropriate to judge a person based on her footwear – and it obviously was – I decided I liked her immediately.

Sally laughed. “When you first told me you were interested in Decebel, I honestly thought that there was no way you two would ever work. But man, you are both such freaks, I honestly don’t...

The Black-eyed Peasants.

To forgive is Godly. To begrudge is manly. I don’t even have any chest hair, so you know where I stand.

Helios thought he looked pretty hot, and he had an annoying habit of calling the sun his “chick magnet.

I had no vote in the making of such a law, and I have no intention of abiding by it, either.

I like the smell of my Grandma’s soap – I used to sit in the bath and eat it.

Why aren’t any cars shaped like vaginas? More people would probably wear them on their feet while they run.

They don’t fit you?” V asked his roommate. “Not the point. No offense, but these are wicked Village People.” Butch held his heavy arms out and turned in a circle, his bare chest catching the...

My headboard has bars, like a jail cell. Sometimes I’ll be asleep and think I’m in prison, and I’ll hear my alarm clock go off and feel like I’m out on parole. Only then does...

New lesson class… most monsters will vaporize when sliced with a celestial bronze sword.this change is perfectly normal, and will happen to you RIGHT NOW if you don’t BACK OFF!…. CLASS DISMISSED!

You know you’re a mom when you open the door to the dishwasher mid-cycle and think, ‘This is the closest I’m going to get to a spa treatment till next Mother’s Day.'””Joining the words ‘Lose...

So far Kat has been through all the Wa’s she could think of, but Hale hadn’t admitted to being Walter or Ward or Washington. He’d firmly denied both Warren and Waverly. Watson had prompted him...

A tree has leaves like man has hair. Some men go winter in the summer, and other men, like me, like skiing on skin.

One day, I want enough money to be at the center of a corruption scandal.

I often wear camouflaged pants so when I walk I look like a floating torso. I love with the same air of mystery.

I was afraid of anyone in a costume. A trip to see Santa might as well have been a trip to sit on Hitler’s lap for all the trauma it would cause me. Once, when...

I suppose you had to,” Wes said when Phin went back to join him at the table.”Pretty much. She seduced me.””Yeah, right,” Wes said. “She said, ‘Please fix the kitchen drain,’ and you interpreted that–“”She...

If you can’t make ends meet, meet them in the middle instead

You have built a human relationship on the foundation of asbestos.

A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time.

We walked along the beach like two coffee lovers. But we weren’t. He was a fish, and I was astonished—not that a fish was walking, but that he didn’t love coffee.

Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.

Bertrand Russell declared that, in case he met God, he would say to Him, “Sir, you did not give us enough information.” I would add to that, “All the same, Sir, I’m not persuaded that...

If water was beer I’d be a teetotaler

Thor again tutored me in the seventh grade, when I was learning Algebra. Algebra was quite an experience for me. Thor spent countless hours with me, because it was very hard for me to grasp...

Everywhere I go, I bring Bring, and a feeling of redundancy. I love you because I love you—and because I love you. What more do you want?

A light on my car’s dashboard came on, and instead of fixing the problem, I waited for the bulb to burn out. Crisis solved.