When a man is on the road to power he buys everyone a drink. Once elected he tries to close the saloons.

I’ll see a tree and be reminded of her. So I’ll have to go have sex with that tree.

Don’t you make fun of me or my children! Some babies are premature. Mine were all postmature. That’s why they’re so smart. Their brains had longer to develop.

So if I speak to you, Tutor Olana, will you get the lashes?

A blanket could be used to suffocate our secret desires. And what do I secretly desire? I desire suffocation, and that is why I must suffocate my desire.

I’ll start a threesome factory that also makes sex trees. How else am I supposed to grow coffee?

I know a man who drives 600 yards to work. I know a woman who gets in her car to go a quarter of a mile to a college gymnasium to walk on a treadmill,...

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

Most guys confuse lust and love. I am in sex with you.

I’m sorry. It’s just that you’re the last person in the world I’d ever imagine marrying again after ol’ Mr. Flaccid Flagpole.

You look as scary as a buttered muffin.

The Howard Hughes thing hadn’t actually sounded like such a bad deal until about…oh, eight thirty-five this morning. Something about having his ex carry him to the bathroom and help him wash his balls just...

There’s urine on the couch, and the remote control is in the shower.” I would write it myself, but I’ve never been very good at writing love ballads.

Humour is for them the all-consoling and (mark this) the all-excusing, grace of life. Hence, it is invaluable as a means of destroying shame. If a man simply lets others pay for him, he is...

If a man can’t love you for who you are, he’s not worth The Dior Gloss.

Due to unfavorable weather (or, rather, favorable), we couldn’t make love in the rain. So instead we had sex in the shower, despite grandpa taking a bath in it.

Are you an idiot, or an idiot?’ Gargarin hissed.’The first one. I really resent being called the second.

The Emperor Napoleon Buonaparte had been banished to the island of Elba. However His Imperial Majesty had some doubts wheter a quiet island life would suit him – he was, after all, accustomed to governing...

It’s all very well to put the government in the hands of the perfect man, but what do you do when the perfect man gets a bellyache?

Before grabbing a mythological creature, I’d recommend putting on oven mitts. Especially if you pick up a Phoenix.

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.

I love hearing my relations abused. It is the only thing that makes me put up with them at all. Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven’t got the remotest knowledge of...

I may not be a Love Machine, but I would like to have sex on a conveyer belt and be more productive with my reproduction.

Hi, you’ve reached Caitlin! I’m either on the other line or I’m purposely ignoring you. Or maybe Mrs. Mitchell confiscated my phone for texting in class again… Leave a message and if I deem you...

Emblematic of this era was the prolific Viennese surgeon Theodor Billroth. Born in 1821, Billroth studied music and surgery with almost equal verve. (The professions still often go hand in hand. Both push manual skill...

The cloud cover made for a terrible blanket.

I hate when I’m at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, “Paper or plastic?” It’s offensive. As if I’m going to sleep with her just because she has a clever pick...

Pray calm yourselves. I have eleven children, and I am twenty-six times a grandma, and I have seen them all through their silly seasons, and when it come on them they will run the Devil...

A dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest.

It often happens that we blurt out things that may in some kind of way be harmful to us, but we are silent about things that may make us look ridiculous; because in this case...

If I could get back my youth, I’d do anything in the world except get up early, take exercise or be respectable.

I loved Monty Python for the wordplay–this sense that you didn’t have to squash your intelligence to be funny. In fact, you could walk right into your intelligence and nerdiness and self-doubt, and that could...

Before I could turn to look up, a voice boomed from the heavens: “What the heck is going on down there?

… she gave me a look that deftly combined tenderness with revulsion. To this day the memory of that look still visits me like a Jehovah’s Witness: uninvited and tireless.

Who is this man?”Chinaman, or rather half Chinese and half German. Got a daft name. Calls himself Doctor No – Doctor Julius No.”No? Spelt like Yes?”That’s right.

My erection is made of iron, and metal detectors make me horny.

I don’t know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they frighten me.

Secret 80916003. If it doesn’t hurt when they snatch it, it isn’t worth dangling.

If you try a joke a second time and nobody laughs, don’t tell a different joke—tell different people.

There’s always someone we’d love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident

It was one of those perfect New York October afternoons, when the explosion of oranges and yellows against the bright blue sky makes you feel like your life is passing through your fingers, that you’ve...

A brick could be used as a scapegoat. But don’t blame the brick. The brick didn’t kill my mother-in-law. It was merely the instrument I utilized in showing her how much I loved her.

It wouldn’t necessarily be tongue in cheek if a woman told me I kiss like a toothbrush. And I do. In fact, 9 out of 10 dentists recommend kissing me right before bed. Oh, and...

But what would they have said to their Liaison? It’s like this, Meg. We didn’t like that Asia Crane, so we ate her. When dealing with humans, honesty isn’t always the best policy, Vlad thought

They say power corrupts, but most of the time it’s actually faulty storage media.

The length of people I love is too long to list. But if you were to do it, it would look like a phone book.

There’s a fine line between stuff, and if you stare at it long enough it’ll drive you insane or to genius

Life sucks, then you die. Then it sucks again.

In Russia, meanwhile, dedicated young people kept trying to kill the tsar.

Strawberries are so red they make me feel 33% patriotic.