A Beautiful Woman Is A Baggage. Thank God Yours Is A Suit Case

If you want to dance the dance then you better learn the steps, the world has enough pretenders. If you want to practice sex then you better find a partner, and to love you must...

Make yourself interesting to history. Master some aspect of life, and then find a different area and do something crazy. Become a painter, then round up a herd of cattle and slaughter them with your...

It is one of the major tragedies that nothing is more discomforting than the hearty affection of the Old Friends who never were friends.

You show me a lazy prick who’s lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I’ll show you a guy who’s not causing any trouble.

Just making the cement now, only takes five minutes.””I did it in four once,” Pauly whispered boastfully to Johnny, “but if I’m honest, I was never completely happy that it set properly.””Who was it for?””Big...

Don’t push me, I’m hormonal.”I’m not really a lousy detective, just rough around the edges.

Got a bout of doubt? Breathe.

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

The most dangerous flower is one that grows on a grave. Everybody in its vicinity is dead. That’s why I hand-picked it for my mother-in-law.

What would a racist call werewolves? Wargs? She kind of liked that one, but suspected that racist bastards didn’t read Tolkien.

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there’s nothin’ like it. It’s a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you’re thinking....

I want a job with a great deal of freedom, like riding on the back of a bald eagle.

My name is Percy Jackson. I’m twelve years old. Until a few months ago, I was a boarding student at Yancy Academy, a private school for troubled kids in upstate New York.Am I a troubled...

Tiny GigglesSilly giggles of laughterI store upon a shelfI give some to otherI save some for myselfI am rich beyond all measureThough not with worldly wealthI store up these treasuresFor my heart and soulful health.

Without discussing it with his mother, Anton went up to his teacher, Miss Katballe, and informed her that after seven years he was now quitting school. It was the best day of her life, she...

I played hard for four quarters, and I took home a dollar. And with college being about pay to play, I earned my spot on the bench.

You can’t force folks to have good sense, even if they’re family. Maybe especially then.

A blanket could be used in exciting medical advancements, curing everything from shivers to tonitrophobia.

This (San Francisco) is the most beautiful city in America, Probably because it looks nothing like America

What are you talking about?” Narcissus demanded. “I am amazing. Everyone knows this.””Amazing at pure suck,” Leo said. “If I was as suck as you, I’d drown myself. Oh wait, you already did that.

―¡Pero míralo!―Urge Solo― Soy completamente hetero y se lo haría.

Rabbit’s clever,” said Pooh thoughtfully.”Yes,” said Piglet, “Rabbit’s clever.””And he has Brain.””Yes,” said Piglet, “Rabbit has Brain.”There was a long silence.”I suppose,” said Pooh, “that that’s why he never understands anything.

I was spotted at a Communist meeting. I got caught red-handed.

The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome...

Mr. McGregor’s a nasty piece of work, isn’t he? Quite the Darth Vader of children’s literature.

My wife and I aren’t a match. We’re a match and gasoline.

Me neither,” Leo admitted.

We’re all guilty of saying insincere things at one point or another, if only just to make the moment not totally suck as much as it truly does.

Words cannot express my disappointment that I must pass on the invitation to once again witness your gelatinous buttocks swaying as you try to climb a greased pole naked in search of athletic glory. Sadly,...

When I went in the secret chamber, Thor was indeed there. A small room, the walls are entirely covered with loose slips of paper with math formulas on them, along with dirty napkins pinned up...

I thought we were going to take a 20-mule team out to the Grand Canyon and get a Bunsen burner and a bow and arrow, and whatever you can catch you cook. And it’s gotta...

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

All sorts of people are calling themselves kings these days.

Frank stared at her. “But you throw Ding Dongs at monsters.”Iris looked horrified. “Oh, they’re not Ding Dongs.”She rummaged under the counter and brought out a package of chocolate covered cakes that looked exactly like...

Really, I protest–what is left for the satirical mind to invent when reality so surpasses it?

Laughter is carbonated holiness.

When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.

I hate zombies.I know that sound prejudiced. I’m sure some zombies are really nice to kittens and love their parents. But it’s been my experience that most are not the kind of people you want...

I made love in a HAZMAT suit. I think I contaminated the relationship.

Just don’t ask me to deliver any more satyr babies and we’ll get along great.

Who are you and how did you get in here?” “I’m a locksmith. And, I’m a locksmith.

Captain Smek himself appeared on television for an official speech to humankind. […] ‘Noble Savages of Earth,’ he said. ‘Long time we have tried to live together in peace.’ (It had been five months.) ‘Long...

I carry a little plastic tub with me, and I put my most valuable possessions in them—my means of travel, which are my feet. I soak them, sometimes for hours, while I watch a movie...

Would you buy potato chips that listed potato by-product or potato digest as an ingredient

If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.

I can’t be always and everywhere Who Man. Sometimes I have to be the Why Guy. But that’s what makes women want to make love to me and give me a discount price.

No funny business. I’ll scream and dead or not it will hurt your ears

preemptive strike n.A blow or punch delivered by military aircraft to a target who is suspected of being adverse to one’s plot for world domination.

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. “I believe God created me in one day”....