I called the police to report my missing mustache, but they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll bet if I had a mustache, they’d take me seriously. #catch22

The hidden cost of frowning is the negative impact on the people around you, which results in diminished productivity in the workforce, and lost tax revenue for the city. Thus, frowns should be fined, and...

Just deleting vandalism on the Chuck Norris page,” Radar said. “For instance, while I do think that Chuck Norris specializes in the roundhouse kick, I don’t think it’s accurate to say, ‘Chuck Norris’s tears can...

Aku telah mengidap sakit gila nomor enam belas: yakni penyakit manusia yang membuat dunia sendiri dalam kepalanya, menciptakan masalah-masalahnya sendiri, terpuruk di dalamnya, lalu menyelesaikan masalah-masalah itu, sambil tertawa-tawa, juga sendirian.

Look, we need to make time, but we also need to be somewhat quiet.” She faced him. “I am being quiet!”Pathik held a finger up to his lips. “Seriously. Quite. You don’t really want to...

We have nothing to fear but fear itself,” Otto replied. “Oh, and a megalomaniacal headmaster, the world’s deadliets assassin, giant mutated plant monsters, an international cartel of supervillains, and the security forces of every country...

Shoot, you’re a smart one, you are. Then how ‘bout I jes say that a feller can get pretty lonesome by hisself in a strange country and he’d like to keep compn’y with you fer...

And even, if circumstances required, a contingency plan for his contingency plan’s contingency plan.

Preparing to go to school was like getting ready for extended deep sea diving.

I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.

I admire the person who can write it right off. Mencken once said that a person who thinks clearly can write well. But I don’t think clearly–too many thoughts bump into one another. Trains of...

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

Bite me, Harry Potter.

A brick could be used to bestow gratitude upon your favorite (or least favorite) politician. Let them know your approval level by giving them the gift that says both Thank You—and Fuck You.

I watched a bowl of fruit on the table remain motionless. Just another example of life imitating art.

Are you a person who peels off a band-aid slowly or just rips it off all at once?” Casey contemplated Alexa’s warning, recognizing it for what it was.

I trust that age doth not wither nor custom stale my infinite variety.

You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is...

Somebody get me a cheeseburger!

You’re walking funny,” Lucy said, a shit-eating grin on her face. Five days of out of this world sex with a starving man could do that to a girl.”You’re just jealous.” Brenna pushed through the...

To fly is to swim in the air, and a brick could be used as an as example to highlight man’s failure to fishbird.

I’m an artist. I’m a cave painter. Archaeologists and art critics of the future are going to call me a genius. They’re going to say I was so far ahead of my time that I...

Another family crisis: The rabbit goes blind.

I just want mind-boggling sex tonight, but I don’t think you can beat my vibrator.

I wish every envelope enclosed a love letter. It’s this hope that leads me to open strangers’ mail. So you see, I’m a romantic, not an NSA employee.

There’s a saying,” Aeneas said: “Keep an eye on Greeks when they offer gifts.” He spoke wryly. “Horses, particularly.

You’ll like it less when you hear what they’ve been building. It’s a big raised platform at the end of the square about two metres above the ground, with steps running up to it.”Like a...

There isn’t a thing I can’t do now that I didn’t do when I was twenty-one…which gives you an idea of how pathetic I was when I was twenty-one. (That’s a lie, but I might...

I’m stoic like a statue of Stonewall Jackson. I’d make a great U.S. President, but I’d make an even better chiseled piece of marble—and that’s what makes me such an amazing lover.

If you tell me the truth, the truth I’ll proclaim.If you tell me a lie, you’ll be fair game.

Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can’t see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily...

My dad used to say that life’s a journey, but somebody screwed up and lost the map.

Felicity,” Mrs. Featherington interurupted, “why don’t you tell Mr. Brdgerton about your watercolors?”For the life of him, Colin couldn’t imagine a less interesting topic (except maybe for Phillipa’s watercolors), but he nonetheless turned to the...

It was the short men that caused all the trouble in the world.

Amy,” Elsie Moore said in her crackling voice, her gaze fixed on Declan. “I want you to get me a new bear. A blond one.

As an Odd-Fish, it is not my job to be right,’ said Sir Oort. ‘It is my job to be wrong in new and exciting ways.

Well, at first I was thinking we could challenge them to a few rounds of Scattergories, but then I realized fighting would be way more emotionally satisfying.” -Buffy

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Trolls have a longstanding animosity for goats–“Who’s that trip-tapping across my bridge!?”–and this led me to think that perhaps trolls are related to goats, since it seems a lot more plausible to me that your...

he is your special friend.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

In my dream I woke up to realize I was tired and needed to go to sleep. Then I slowly remembered that I was asleep, but that I needed to wake up and write this...

It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.

It doesn’t matter what clothes you had or what shoes you had, or how cool you were, or how many Facebook friends you garnered, what will matter in the end is what weapons you had,...

Dear Mary Duende, It’s freezing here in the trenches, but loneliness is colder than any hyperthermia. Gunshots and shrapnel have become my companions. But life is better now than it was when I was at...

My heart battered against my ribs, my breath stalled and I gazed up into his laughing, smiling eyes…eyes that suddently glowed crimson and cruel.

Roger said, ‘I don’t know about having a shrink around all the time. Are you analyzing me right now?’Sophie rolled her eyes. ‘How original. No, I’m not analyzing you. It’d take a whole team of...

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

I had a dream about your brain. I wish I could eat my dream.

Everybody’s drunk. Ben drunk. Lacey drunk. Radar drunk. Nobody drive. Home by six. Promised Mom. Boo, Sleepy Quentin! Yay, Designated Driver! YESSSS!