A woman has to look good, but a man—a little bit nicer looking than a monkey is enough.

Angels are good not simply because they see bad as bad, but also because they see bad as corny.

Nobody can make you feel ignorant but you—the you from before, the one who skipped school and slept in class. By you, of course, I mean me.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.

Dopóki nie skorzystałem z Internetu, nie wiedziałem, że na świecie jest tylu idiotów

Going to take it up as a hobby?

Reggie, you wrapped your sports car around a telephone pole after drinking a bar.” “Yeah… But I was wearing my seatbelt.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

A blanket could be used to alert your guest when he’s overstayed his welcome. But what’s even more effective would be a flying brick at his forehead. Subtlety can be a bit soft, and can...

If somebody pushed you down a well, I’d rush over and toss you a bucket, because I’m fucking thirsty.

Making love to a person in their sleep is the only guarantee they’ll wake up with a smile on their face.

Trying to corral the suburban stampede with a bunch of school buses was like herding cats. Actually, it was worse than herding cats. It was herding white people, earth’s only species with a greater sense...

I don’t see why ogling same-sex kissing should be the exclusive domain of frat boys whacking off to lesbian action, that’s so sexist. Feminism should be all inclusive- it should be about sexual liberation, equal...

I have to go. I have a finite amount of life left and I don’t want to spend it arguing with you.

Before we go, I gotta know: If mind-reading abilities are real, there’s something else I wondered if fiction got right about vampires-“”Ask me if I sparkle and I’ll kill you where you stand,” Bones cut...

A blanket could be used to say I’m sorry without using words, gestures, body language, facial expressions, or telepathy. I’ve always thought it was better to show than tell anyway, so I hope you can...

In 1803, President Jefferson oversaw the purchase of this land from the French for $15 million. It doesn’t sound like much for an area three times the size of France itself but given that they’d...

ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.

I think we should wean Grandma.

You told me I was the best sex you’d ever had in your life…You couldn’t get enough…At one point you were so loud I thought sure hotel security was going to beat down the door.

Have faith my friends, because love will find you eventually. It found me, and I was wearing camouflage clothing, face paint, and cologne that smelled like the wilderness.

bad guy” anymore, he’s the BAD GUY!

A brick could be used to back the dollar. Hey, it’s better than the dollar being backed by nothing, right?

And poor Mr. Bix!Every morning at six,poor Mr. Bix has his Borfin to fix!It doesn’t seem fair. It just doesn’t seem right,but his Borfin just seems to go shlump every night.It shlumps in a heap,...

Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills.

Without death Death is dead

But this room looked like it had been decorated by the unholy lovechild of Barbie and Strawberry Shortcake.

Without the door let sorrow lie,And if for cold it hap to die,We’ll bury ‘t in a Christmas pie,And evermore be merry.

Hell’s holy stars and freaking stones shit bells.

A blanket could be made of tuna fish skin, which would go well with my cottage cheese thighs.

I ran across an old friend of mine yesterday, and I didn’t even attempt to hit the brakes.

People have told me ‘Betty, Facebook is a great way to keep in touch with old friends…’.. At my age, if I wanted to keep in touch with old friends, I’d need a Ouija board

He claimed that nearby gun thunder cleared the mind – but most everybody else agreed it made you daft.

So what is it really like? What happens when people die?” Noor asks Alice Bhatti, who after finishing her shift has changed into a loose maxi and is lying down on a wheelie stretcher, her...

Gas masks could be converted into blowjob machines—and finally put your mom out of business. That’s capitalism. That’s war. That’s love.

A brick could be a breath freshener for a dragon. But so could a mint-flavored baby.

A sister should set her brother up with one of her friends, unless her only friend is her sister.

Go fuck yourself,” I replied, always the lady. “I’m staying here.

It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it’s called Life.

…human history is full of depressing things like colonization, disease, racism, sexism…inventions of things which they had no idea how to handle (the atomic bomb, the Internet, the semicolon)….And through it all there has always...

If a magic genie, from a lamp, offered me three wishes, I’d use one to wish you a happy birthday. So 33 percent would be spent in your celebration. I only offer that statistic so...

Goose neck is a delicacy. You have to at least try it. In fancy restaurants people pay up to fifty dollars a plate for this stuff.’ And at our house we were force-fed it for...

Several famous people have licked my nipples. Well, indirectly. First they licked the stamps, and then I peeled them off the letters and stuck them on my nipples.

In order to influence a child, one must be careful not to be that child’s parent or grandparent.

No matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.

Some things are fairly obvious when it’s a seven-foot skeleton with a scythe telling you them

No, that’s easy, too. I just choose not to practice it.

I don’t want to talk, either,” that mouth said very seriously. And then he lowered his head and kissed her.

Stay humble as a writer: write on toilet paper.

The other day I found 20 dollars. It was just lying in a wallet I took from some guy’s pocket.