New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it’s animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place...

Her name was Ashley, but I called her Ash, because she looked like the burnt remains of a cigarette. But she smelled like coffee, and I thirsted for her affection.

Are you going to rape me at any point or anything?” I just figured it was good to get things out in the open, get myself in the right headspace. He whipped his head around...

Take some more tea,” the March Hare said to Alice, very earnestly.”I’ve had nothing yet,” Alice replied in an offended tone, “so I can’t take more.””You mean you can’t take less,” said the Hatter: “it’s...

I eat cereal with a hammer, because I operate with a government-level efficiency. Let’s build a smarter tomorrow—with a spoon.

It was nice of her to want to believe the best about me. People tend to do that with the strangers they’re fucking. If she wanted to think that apathy and independence were the same...

A singer can shatter glass with the proper high note,” he said, “but the simplest way to break glass is simply to drop it on the floor.

When rain comes down, the chance of rainbows goes up. Likewise, when my coffee goes down, I wake up. Hopefully I wake up in your bed.

Is there any other time to be dancing alone to 50s music than 5 AM? I wish my grandpa thought so, because I’m trying to sleep in the ballroom.

There are men who wants only the woman; such are tagged, ‘real men’, and there are ones who want only their bodies; such are tagged, ‘fake men’, and there are others who wants neither the...

There’s a very mean girl down the hall who’s trying to get me fired. I’m no good with confrontation, so whenever I say, “Have a wonderful day,” to her out loud, I’m really saying, “Be...

I had a dream about you; I’ve had multiple dreams about you. If I had to choose between the real you and the dream you then…Goodnight.

Here are the Top Ten things that your parents say to you:-Is that all you’re going to do all day, sit in front of the computer?-When I was your age I had two jobs.-Why don’t...

I melted in my defeat like Victory Ice Cream. I brought along an extra spoon for you, because I’m a sharing kind of guy.

A writer edits his thoughts more thoroughly the more readers he has. You can tell I only have two readers, myself included.

Do you not like mayonnaise ice cream? What if the mayonnaise ice cream had mustard on top? I keep a hotdog in my pocket to highlight my enthusiasm for you.

One does not go to Moscow to get fat.

The cool thing about unemployment is every day is Saturday.

Yes, we’ll yell, ‘Help, help us, goose girl, and bring the terrifying legion of warrior geese’.

I can’t be a cream puff.

Of course it is juggling, theman in motley was saying…YOu know what your problem is, Sir Grenall? You’ve been seduced by the lure of spectacle. Sure, I could juggle three or four balls and use...

Mustaches are so cool that I not only have one—I have two. I wear both of mine above my eyes.

77 degrees in the fall feels cold, and 77 degrees in the spring feels hot. That’s why I’m selling year-round-nudity for half-price.

Here’s a newsflash from the only High Preistess you have left at this dang school: Zoey isn’t dead. And believe me, I know dead. I’ve been there, done that, and got the frickin’ T-shirt.” –...

I am the Wheelbarrow of Love. Let me get back to work.

I am not really breaking any rules. Charlie said I could never take another step through the door again… I came in through the window… Still, the intent was clear,” said Edward.

Thank you. For being willing to talk. For not turning me in. For… being you.”I’m pretty good at being me,’ I said. ‘I’ve had all these years to practice–I hardly ever get it wrong these...

I’m still trying to decide how I feel about the fact that you knew about this before I did.””Don’t be disappointed,” Jack said. “The fact that I’ve been ridiculously proud of you for days doesn’t...

I’m divorced, so I know what it takes to make a marriage work. My love is like an empty box of desert. Just add water.

Girls find it rather fun to tease my about my height and the joy I find in the games boys play. Please. I could find a lot of things to say about their stupid makeup...

Seeing him jogging at the park had cracked the window so I could peek into his soul. Seeing him with his friends threw the window wide open.He was so nineteen.

Coffee has a way of waking me up like no alarm clock can. Not only do I sleepwalk, but I sleepdrink, and I often don’t wake up until 5:00 PM, when I leave work.

I cannot say your worships have delivered the matter well when I find the ass in compound with the major part of your syllables […] our very priests must become mockers if they shall encounter...

You will be very visible in the company photo, also the website and any other marketing materials. There’s no way to avoid it. The photo will only be scheduled when you are in the office,...

Take my advice and don’t take my advice.

You don’t have to visit an asylum to see insanity. All you have to do is visit Washington DC.

His gaze slid over me like a veil of fire. He could ignite my deepest desires with a single glance. I decided right then and there no more reading romance novels by candelight.

Freddie experienced the sort of abysmal soul-sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy’s Russian peasants when, after putting in a heavy day’s work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the city’s...

I’d rather have a career that utilizes my creativity, but torturing people all day long is not a bad gig. At least not for me.

Artificial plants grow best in artificial light.

When the soul-penetrating pathos she was beaming at me failed to prevent me from continuing to put things in boxes, the helper dog became increasingly alarmed. Over the ensuing few days, she slowly descended into...

A brick could be used to help you get used to the fact that you’ve been used. I’ve been used to, so I know what you’re going through. You’re going through a dark tunnel, and...

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells.

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

Not really hungry.””She’ll eat.” Pritkin said curtly.”I said —””If you starve to death it would damage my professional reputation.””I eat plenty.””The same does not apply should I strangle you in understandable irritation, however.””I’ll have a...

I’m learning sign language to be a better communicator and masturbator.

We suffered for our art. You have to suffer for our art as well!

Never under estimate the power of words. I believe my pen may actually be the sword helping me to break through black shatter proof glass that’s been standing between me and my brighter past.~PoetQs

A blanket could be used to stop a train. Another good thing to use would be brakes. I’ll sell you a set of train breaks for the price of a warm night’s sleep.

I’m a farmer of love. Just add water.