When it comes to Jews, you have a two-thousand-year memory, but when it comes to us Palestinians, you have a sixty-year amnesia.

Isn’t it funny how the memories you cherish before a breakup can become your worst enemies afterwards? The thoughts you loved to think about, the memories you wanted to hold up to the light and...

We did sometimes play jokes on each other. It was fun, until about a month ago when he attacked me with nerf guns when I walked in the door. I slipped while running away and...

The satisfying sound of bone giving way, as well as his outraged cry, made the you-had-it-coming-asshole angles sing.

You used to love me. Let me help jog your memory by buying you some running shoes. The shoes will be wooden, and nailed to the floor.

I don’t like hot coffee that’s cold, or iced coffee that’s hot. Or leftover love in a rusty thermos.

Sin said, “Lust was never satisfied. She was the largest of the three, and had the loudest, most unforgiving cry. When I tried to give her breast milk, Lust wanted more food in addition, so...

Because this is another thing your average American man in crisis does: he tries to go home, forgetting, momentarily, that he is the reason he left home in the first place, that the home is...

Pizza tastes as good as being skinny feels.

The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.

30% of the time I am successful 70% of the time. That’s 100% in my book—a book that happens to have a page count that’s 21% Reduced Fat.

Satire is the antidote to Pollyanna and Dr. Pangloss. It focuses our gaze sharply upon the the contrast between things as they are and as they should be.

My new story collection won’t please everyone, nor was it meant to. Then again, not everybody lives in my world. If they did, I’d have to move out and find another world to write about.

Someone ought to be rude to him. He’s rude enough to everyone else.

You should eat a waffle! You can’t be sad if you eat a waffle!

Life is made up of now, and the past and the future are nothing more than inedible garnishes.

When someone leaves you, apart from missing them, apart from the fact that the whole little world you’ve created together collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is...

If my clone writes my biography, is it really an autobiography?

It’s a stream of senses and thoughts that happen during sleep. But that’s not important right now.”

The more I see of the representatives of the people, the more I admire my dogs.

I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

If you love three people at the same time, choose the first one, because if there was a 4th or 5th one, you might still fall for them.

Clone One’s last name will be Martz. Clone Two I’ll call Martinez.

I’ve been writing for about eleven years. I went from elfish to elephantish, and in another eleven years I hope to be Levin.

I sat down and tried to write a story.”Ian MacArthur is a wonderful sweet fellow who wears glasses and peers out of them with delight.”That was the first sentence. The problem was that I just...

Those of you who are not aware of my brilliant career as a stand up comic, I’m not aware of it either so we might well wonder what we’re doing here.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

In the middle I want to be at the end, at the end I want to be in the beginning, and in the beginning I want to be in bed.

,No es increible todo lo que puede tener dentro un lápiz?

If you try to buy my body, I’ll sell you my shadow. My shadow would make a great day laborer, because it’s solar powered.

My farts smell like coffee. Drink them up. But slowly, because they’re hot.

You guys like to tell jokes and giggle and kid around, huh? Giggling like a bunch of young broads in a school yard. Well, let me tell you a joke: Five guys sitting in a...

Her smile was like a Samuel Beckett play – easy to read but difficult to interpret.

A sure way to start your own business is to stay out of everyone else’s.

People say the early bird catches the worm. And it’s true! That’s why I work online in the middle of the night—to catch all the worms halfway across the world.

Numerical superiority is of no consequence. In battle, victory will go to the best tactician.”- G. A. Custer

There’s sleep to be found here, and I’m going to find it—with my eyes closed. I’m like Sherlock Holmes meets Helen Keller. #Networking

Thor once took an IQ test, and he was scoring so high that the referees took away his ability to shoot three pointers.

Childhood is either absurdly superficial or profoundly shitty. There’s no in-between. Anyone who reminisces about their happy childhood is delusional.

Then there are some minor points that strike me as suggestive – for instance, the position of Mrs. Hubbard’s sponge bag, the name of Mrs. Armstrong’s mother, the detective methods of Mr. Hardman, the suggestion...

Anger is like sex urge, once gratified, the inner voice calls you a stinking fool.

Taking a break. Been working solid for the last few hours, as opposed to working liquid, which is more drinkable. Can I pour you a glass of productivity?

Don’t push me, I’m hormonal.”I’m not really a lousy detective, just rough around the edges.

I blink like a blanket. I’m not asleep—this extended motionlessness is how I make love.

The girl I am in love with told me she’s moving on. Should I cry, or go to Jax beach and party? The ocean’s salty enough without my tears.

With great hotness comes great responsibility.

Sing a song of suspense in which the players die.Four and twenty ravens in an Edgar Allan Pie.When the pie was broken, the ravens couldn’t sing.Their throats had been sliced open by Stephen, the new...

You know that person on your left shoulder who tells you that you can’t do it or that you’re not good enough? Tell that person to GET LOST!

My name is Percy Jackson. I’m twelve years old. Until a few months ago, I was a boarding student at Yancy Academy, a private school for troubled kids in upstate New York.Am I a troubled...

So this is it,” said Arthur, “We are going to die.””Yes,” said Ford, “except… no! Wait a minute!” He suddenly lunged across the chamber at something behind Arthur’s line of vision. “What’s this switch?” he...