I drink coffee like steam is the ghost of dead water. Ever tried inhaling the afterlife?

Find 100 reasons to laugh. You are bound to feel better, you will cope with problems more effectively and people will enjoy being around you. Besides unhappiness, what do you have to lose?

A brick could be used as a key to unlock a door disguised as a brick wall. The security in the lock lies not with a one-of-a-kind key, but with a key that looks like...

It is a State of Mind… and am the president

I make love like a mannequin mimicking a statue, only with less movement and more grunting.

Ha! I know there’s 2 T’s.

Yesterday it was a hundred outside. It was fifty degrees, but the air was saturated with average and smog-like intellect.

Maggie had learned a long time ago that each day with a child was filled with two kinds of battles: those that won the war, and those that did not.

You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he’s a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done....

Baby, you realize this song is about Trey’s dead dog, don’t you?

I wore rubber gloves. Why? Because I ran out of condoms.

After all, one can’t complain. I have my friends. Somebody spoke to me only yesterday. And was it last week or the week before that Rabbit bumped into me and said ‘Bother!’. The Social Round....

I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him to move over a few feet.

Living is about clucking your tongue and enjoying the sound.~Slater

Life is tough, then you die.

By some miracle, Charlotte’s polite smile never wavered. It was a proud moment for her. After all, it wasn’t every day that a little old lady told you right to your face that your bosom...

Every time we made love, one of us cried. Mostly it was me, out of joy, but occasionally it was her, out of despair.

I’d rather be known as a freak than a science project.

If you feel like you’re drowning, don’t forget that it is just a feeling; it will pass with love and care. If you’re actually drowning, then how are you reading this?

EARLY BIRDOh, if you’re a bird, be an early birdAnd catch the worm for your breakfast plate.If you’re a bird, be an early early bird–But if you’re a worm, sleep late.

Who’d pay more to get less? Only a fool—or a government agency.

She said she doesn’t like your cooking. She said she’d rather eat a microwave dinner from the convenience store instead of something you cooked. Do you get it? Hm? Why are you being such a...

A man with six fingers on one hand who gets his finger cutoff by the mafia probably doesn’t feel pain, fear, or anger. No, that man probably feels normal.

Really the only time men and women get along is when women want sex.

I laughed so hard I nearly spit out my hot tea. The strange part was the fact that I was drinking coffee at that moment.

The verdict of this court is that the accused are guilty of witchcraft. The maximum penalty the law allows is to be burned to death.However, in view of your previous good background I am disposed...

Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, ‘Don’t abuse me like your parents abuse you!’ Then call children’s services...

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much...

The three of us met to discuss dinner over sandwiches, and I decided I liked them. The sandwiches, not the people. I hated those fucking people.

Smiles are a funny thingand laughter is hilarious.I smile sometimeswhen I am delirious.

Karate, I get a real kick out of it. I would get a kick out of coffee, but I’ve got better ways of stirring, like renting Michael Phelps’ 400 IM time.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

It is better to doubt that a concept is stupidly flying under your head than profoundly flying over your head.

True love is jealousy in disguise: A man cannot restrict his lover from going to the club because he hates her, he actually hates the men who would come around and touch her.

There were so many viciously sarcastic ways to respond, Jaden’s brain was temporarily paralyzed due to witty comeback overload.

Let me guess, you’re Harry Potter and this is the school of Hogwarts. If I say Lumos will it light up?

Hertzfeld recalled that Gates just sat there coolly, looking at Steve in the eye, before hurling back, in his squeaky voice, what became a classic zinger. “Well, Steve, I think there’s more than one way...

In a depression, attendance to sporting events goes down, while the percentage of people fornicating goes up, because sex is free. I know, some of you are probably thinking, Free! Where do I find those...

Were you born stupid, Heinrich, or did you have to study?

I just took a little nap. I stole it from an infant.

I call the right axe Sorrow,” she said. “You know what I call the left one?” “Happiness?” “Sorrow. I can’t tell them apart.

Oh, man,” he mumbled with a full mouth. “At least the food is good.

Simon: So were you following me? Or is it just an amazing coincidence that you happened to be on the roof of a building I was walking by when I got attacked?Jace: I was following...

For people who like that sort of thing, that’s the sort of thing they like.

I plead the fifth—and then I drank it. I was drunk on love, but wouldn’t admit it. I was also drunk on whiskey, but the breathalyzer outed me.

Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable…in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does...

Everyone knows that the Internet is changing our lives, mostly because someone in the media has uttered that exact phrase every single day since 1993. However, it certainly appears that the main thing the Internet...

I like your opera – I think I will set it to music

Love with all your heart. And the rest of your body. Oh, and your mind, too.

It’s not gray,” Clary felt compelled to point out. “It’s green.””If there was such a thing as terminal literalism, you’d have died in childhood,” said Jace.