There was something sort of bleak about her tone, rather as if she had swallowed an east wind. This I took to be due to the fact that she probably hadn’t breakfasted. It’s only after...

Finding a proper husband is rather like selecting a hound. They all have more bark than bite, my girl. One day you’ll look across the breakfast table and realize the only option is obedience training....

The sides of buildings should be like the tops of lakes. I’d fish through your window hoping to catch a smile.

My fur is silky, damn it.

Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you’re a consultant.

Yes, I am.” I’m the kind of lover who’d wear a unicycle to a tricycle convention for hitchhikers.

Every author, however modest, keeps a most outrageous vanity chained like a madman in the padded cell of his breast.

Don’t keep me in the dark—let me take off my honorary Helen Keller blindfold and let’s make love like we have no senses except nonsense.

I consider seeing my 30th birthday an accomplishment. You know, not many midgets live to be this tall.

A brick could be used to test how fast you throw a baseball, if, you know, baseballs were cube-shaped and integral to the construction of houses.

If you’ve never been in a dumpster coated with industrial waste while someone stabs you with a piece of sharpened rebar, then you probably wouldn’t understand.

I make love like Brett Favre threw his first pass as a Green Bay Packer—to himself. Obviously, himself is myself.

Ask us no questions and we’ll tell you no lies.

Death and Famine and War and Pollution continued biking towards Tadfield. And Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty To Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You’ve Given Them A Good Thumping but secretly No Alcohol Lager,...

Love is missing your flight because you have a train to catch. I also have a football to catch.

I slept through the award presentation for Napper of the Year. They had to wake me when I won. Winning was like a dream come true.

The Colonel led all the cheers.Cornbread!” he screamed.CHICKEN!” the crowd responded.Rice!”PEAS!”And then, all together: “WE GOT HIGHER SATs.”Hip Hip Hip Hooray!” the Colonel cried.YOU’LL BE WORKIN’ FOR US SOMEDAY!

Just friends it is then” he says not perturbed and starts eating his lunch.

A brick could be used to help you maintain a balanced diet, by keeping your head perfectly still with the brick steady on your skull while you eat.

All that is human must retrograde if it does not advance.

I’ve never, ever, ever — in my entire life — fought over a man. I’ve fought women who’ve hit me because of a man, but then I was fighting to bust her ass, not defend...

The Mile High City has mile-high expectations. That’s 5,280 feet, you know. That’s five millipedes and 2.8 centipedes for all you lovers out there.

I didn’t set out to discover Truth. I was simply hungry and digging deep in the back of the fridge and boom! there it was. And I’ve got to tell you, the Truth was tasty.

I can’t forget things, or ignore them-bad things that happen,” I said. “I’m a lay-it-all-out person, a dwell-on-it person, an obsess-about-it person. If I hold things in and try to forget or pretend, I become...

Don’t forget, I didn’t choose to come to here. I was kidnapped and forced to live here by your marvelous Pemdas warriors, who are interested in Earth only as it serves to keep ‘your beautiful...

Sexy isn’t my middle name. Lust-factory is, with the hyphen.

Were the stars against him? A woman’s fingers are quicker in the sky and shine more brightly.

Not that I haven’t leaped up into the blinding light of competence now and then. It’s sustaining the altitude that defeats me.

I think we all should be in love once in our lifetime, even if we’re in love with someone who’s not alive in our lifetime. Long distance relations are hard, especially when you’re separated by...

[An example of misattribution:]If you don’t know the source of a quote,you can always make it sound better by attributing it to me.— Mark Twain

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

Elizabeth: “Your balls, Mr. Darcy?”Darcy: “They belong to you, Miss Bennett.

We fought, we drank coffee, and then we made up. Then I made up the part about us having made out, because I was trying to impress my ex girlfriend and grandma (two people, not...

Hey, look—your girlfriend is saying something.”Artemis had a vast mental reserve of scathing comebacks at his disposal, but none of them covered girlfriend insults. He wasn’t even sure if it was an insult. And if...

It isn’t dopa…whatever! It’s love! Love!

I’m glad the government can’t tax love, because I’d owe them a lot of it. And I’d be forced to tell them how much my ex wife stole.

I had a dream about you. You were shivering, and I didn’t know if you were cold or frightened. Being the gentleman that I am, I offered you a sweater woven from the wails from...

If you give a man a hammer, he thinks he can solve all problems by pounding. Well, God gave men penises….

Anyway, it was Oscar who called me to remind me that our nephew, Lydia’s son Garnett, was turning eleven years old. Fuck my life. I hated that kid. He smelled like asparagus, and he sweated...

Even though I know my own name (barely), I still sometimes write my name wrong. Usually it only happens when I write in cursive and am endorsing checks for money I can’t recall earning.

What’d you think would happen when you died? That the prophecy would just be over and we’d all be like, oops, guess we got that one wrong?

Beautiful face. Beautiful body. Horrible attitude. It was the holy trinity of hot boys.

My albino elbow bends like a bow and arrow shoots shoots, roots, and bearded forest creatures. Love me now, before I remove my undergrowth.

Lone women shouldn’t stop in the middle of nowhere for giant unkempt strangers with duct tape on their faces.

Sometimes the way to a man’s heart is through his talleywacker.

I poured a compass into my coffee, to give the flavor some direction.

Properly practiced, knitting soothes the troubled spirit, and it doesn’t hurt the untroubled spirit either.

His mouth captured hers, trying to show her with his kiss what he was still learning to express in words. He loved her.He worshipped her. He’d walk across fire for her. He——still had the audience...

Your words are energy. If you don’t speak them, then you will drink them. Swallow that thought, but do not gargle it.

When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.