He would make a good lamp post if he’d weather better and didn’t have to eat.

You know cats, always scratching on this or that, but never scratching what you want when you want it. (Like my balls, when they’re itchy!) I recently got him declawed, which sucked for him, but...

Together me and Amy are Jaramy. Pearl Jam wrote a song about us speaking in class.

If I have succeeded, it is because I have failed. And if I have failed, it’s because of my father. It’s all my dad’s goddamned fault.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

I like to have a martini,Two at the very most.After three I’m under the table,after four I’m under my host.

The important thing is to keep them pledging,” he explained to his cohorts. “It doesn’t matter whether they mean it or not. That’s why they make little kids pledge allegiance even before they know what...

It’s a pelvis thrust, not a pelvic wiggle.

We’re like America’s little pit bull. They beat it, starve it, mistreat it, and once in a while they let it out to attack somebody.

She loves me. She must, because she left flowers in the fridge from her date. She knows how I love flower salad.

I’m the sort of guy who will accept blame, if it means being singled out as honest and honorable, and there’s a chance I’ll be rewarded.

All your Western theologies, the whole mythology of them, are based on the concept of God as a senile delinquent

Hush Hattie!” I said, intoxicated with my success. “I don’t want to go to my room. Everyone must know I shan’t marry the prince.” I ran to the door to our street, opened it, and...

Word of mouth is often louder than word of hand, although applause can be deafening. I clap like Helen Keller drank coffee—with two spoonfuls of silence.

A blanket is a tell-all story about its endeavors with certain highly publicized people and their somewhat promiscuous acts.

Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger.

If I were to be elected World Leader someday, I’d wear an outfit made of Band-Aids, as a symbolic gesture of sticking together, healing, and the blood soon to be spilt.

AC/DC is very easy to miao along to!

It is meant to be survival of the fittest, not survival of the most floral.

The cops have no idea where my cave is, and your first package has yet to be delivered.”

I make mistakes; I’ll be the second to admit it.

The urge to change my mind and not go at all is enormous. I’m absolutely terrified to leave on that boat. But, if I don’t go, there’ll be one more broken person in this world...

You can call me Dances With Cats. I’m like Dances With Wolves, only meowier.

Yes! I just nailed an interview. I’m going to be a professional hammerer.

I think good advice for a father to give to his only son would be, “Don’t make the same mistake I made with your mother. Remember to pull out.

Rule of life. If you bother to ask someone’s advice, then bother to listen to it.

She told me she loved me. She told me a lot of things. Some of those things were true, and some of those may or may not have been true. It’s kind of hard to...

There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn’t cheer so loud when I’m trying to sleep.

Poor Chad. Not the country, but the guy. Oh, and the country’s poor too. I feel so bad for Chad. I also feel so bad for Chad.

A brick could be used to help you become the next Great American Novelist. Hopefully after you use it to crack your own skull, and not too long after your death, the public will realize...

His hand cups the back of my neck, and before I can think, he dips down and our mouths meet. For a split second I worry that he thinks he’s kissing Courtney. But that instant...

Perhaps she can ride the packhorse with our gear.”Arla gave a strangled gasp, and the Boy grinned at her. She realised he was joking, and breathed a sigh of relief. But she did not trust...

CONJUGATE THIS:I cut class, you cut class, he, she, it cuts class. We cut class, they cut class. We all cut class. I cannot say this in Spanish because I did not go to Spanish...

I had a second friend come over to my house, and do you know what I called her? A refill. If relationships aren’t drinkable, why do we thirst for them so much?

In the future, charities will be like pets. Everybody will want one, and millions will be abandoned.

It was like there was some parallel universe we all vanished off to where we had all this sex.

Now what happens?” asked the man in black. “We face each other as God intended,” Fezzik said. “No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.””You mean you’ll put down your rock and I’ll put down...

The perfect body protects its owner from disease, gives birth to amazing new people and stops your bones from falling out. The end.

I believe there is only one thing to say at this point.”What’s that?”Yee haw,” he said gravely, and took me down like a rodeo calf.

I had a dream about you. We were running on the beach, holding hands. It was a nude beach, but we were the only ones wearing clothes. You wore a bikini, and I wore my...

Without thinking about it at all, Harry stepped in front of Hermione.There was an intake of breath from behind him, and then a moment later Hermione brushed past and stepped in front of him. “Run,...

A brick could be used to cut things. The duller the object, the sharper the user has to be to make it work.

Question (from a reader) : Will the Wise Goddess Athena overthrow Zeus and become the ruler of Olympus?Athena’s answer : What an interesting idea . . . No, just kidding, Dad. Put away the lightning...

How’re we getting to King’s Cross tomorrow, Dad?” asked Fred as they dug into a sumptuous pudding.”The Ministry’s providing a couple of cars,” said Mr. Weasley.Everyone looked up at him.”Why?” said Percy curiously.”It’s because of...

Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men.

I want to spend less time talking about myself, and more time listening to what other people have to say about me.

When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

They served “Good Food” but only a G, an O and a D were lit up. Personally, I doubted God dined there. Unless God was keen on samonella poisoning and rat droppings in the hamburgers....

BARBARIC!