The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me.

I want to roast Mr. Bean, because that’d be the funniest coffee ever. I think I’d make a great roastmaster.

What a refreshing mind you have, young man. There really is nothing quite like total ignorance, is there?

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

She lived on the moon and was quite unattainable. I suppose he must’ve starved or pined away or fallen off the wall at some point.

So. Monday. We meet again.We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.

You haven’t told her?” Cass shouted. “You’re the worst boyfriend ever!

Sometimes I wish I had been born with cat fur, whiskers, and a tail, though I guess I am grateful that at least I was born with my very own litter box.

I like coffee tables. I’m into drinkable furniture.

Make love. I meant make love … of course. I would never just stick my dick in you. I would make mad, passionate love to this sweet, sweet body of yours for days, no, weeks....

Life sucks, and then you die…

Definition of rock journalism: People who can’t write, doing interviews with people who can’t think, in order to prepare articles for people who can’t read.

I’ve just finished reading some of my early papers, and you know, when I’d finished I said to myself, ‘Rutherford, my boy, you used to be a damned clever fellow.’ (1911)

I like all my children, even the squat and ugly ones.

Tell me the story,” said Fenchurch firmly. “You arrived at the station.””I was about twenty minutes early. I’d got the time of the train wrong.” “Get on with it.” Fenchurch laughed.”So I bought a newspaper,...

I put the yes in eyes. Except when I blink, because that’s definitely a no action.

{Summertime she speaks of winter, she eats ham, but speaks of beef, got a good man but, flirts with another. She might as well go to hell, cause she ain’t gonna be happy in heaven...

The middle son gets a magic donkey. When you shout the word: “Bricklebrit!”, it spews gold pieces out of…And I quote:… its front and back.Yes, folks. Thing I Love #4: the Bricklebrit Donkey. You shout...

Don’t look at me in that tone of voice.

(I didn’t tell him that thediagnosis came three months after I got my first period. Like: Congratulations! You’re a woman. Now die.)

Before work I like to relax and collect my thoughts. That’s why I carry a wicker basket. So it’s no wonder that I fell in love with Sigourney Weaver. I often ponder aliens, working girls,...

A Kiss is a terrible name for a piece of chocolate shaped like a water droplet, because kisses are hot and would melt chocolate—even if it is wearing an astronaut suit made out of tinfoil.

Love is as iffy as Kipling.

‘Jane’s World’ has pushed the boundaries for mainstream comic strips: girls have kissed, punched each other, have been abducted by aliens, taken steamy showers together and turned into monkeys. Jane has been through a lot...

No one can be right all the time, but it helps to be right most of the time.

Do you like to slide?” His voice was eager.Stair rails! Did he suspect me? I forced a sigh. “No, Majesty. I’m terrified of heights.””Oh.” His polite tone had returned.”I wish I could enjoy it. This...

I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning.

I make my living as a farmer. I milk the clock at work. And I make love like a dentist. Oh yes, I am that erotic.

I’m almost finished,” said Wilhelm, wiping out a line with his sleeve and drawing over it.”I never doubted you for a moment,” said Vex, then looked at Aurora and spoke more softly. “I actually doubted...

Sometimes looking like you know is better than actually knowing. People respect you, and defer to you, yet you don’t have the burden that comes with heavy knowledge.

Star, pillows don’t attack dogs,” Sam said.”Or anything else,” Turtle added.

What if it tempt you toward the flood, my lord?Or to the dreadful summit of the cliffThat beetles o’er his base into the sea,And there assume some other horrible formWhich might deprive your sovereignty of...

[On Oscar Wilde:]”If, with the literate, I amImpelled to try an epigram,I never seek to take the credit;We all assume that Oscar said it.[Life Magazine, June 2, 1927]

Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion… perhaps around their...

I wear a ten-gallon cowboy hat. That’s where I keep my fish tank. When you’re a farmer of love, you’ve always got pink kissers on your mind.

I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red.

Look at me!Look at me!Look at me NOW!It is fun to have funBut you have to know how.

So much good, so much evil. Just add water.

Cara waggled a hand over the two of them. “It works better with your clothes off.”Richard frowned. His voice came as a hoarse croak. “What?”She seemed mystified by the question. “I believe you will find...

I love full on, like 65 mph in a handicapped parking spot.

A fallow mind is a field of discontent.

If you tell me I’m sensible in addition to normal and wise, I’m going to punch you in the stomach.

I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit.

I had a religious experience at a crosswalk.

I’m English. We’re about as tactful as a hot poker up the bum, most of the time.

Dopóki nie skorzystałem z Internetu, nie wiedziałem, że na świecie jest tylu idiotów

I sometimes think that the saving grace of America lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two great qualities- a sense of humor and a sense of proportion.

Some of us go full circle. Some of us blindly go nowhere. The circle doesn’t have to be very large to make a point, kick your ass and/or be entertaining. Remember that and stay light....

Three weeks hadn’t changed Cop Central. The coffee was still poisonous, the noise abominable, and the view out of her stingy window was still miserable.She was thrilled to be back.

When I win, it’s because I’m skilled. When I lose, it’s because my opponent is lucky. But when I fall in love, it’s because I’m lucky and she’s skilled.