Life it too short to deal with crazy people.

They who suspect a Mephistophiles, or sneering, satirical devil, under all, have not learned the secret of true humor, which sympathizes with gods themselves, in view of their grotesque, half-finished creatures.

Christianity is such a silly religion.

Percy?” Annabeth gripped his arm.”Oh, bad,” he muttered. “Bad. Bad.” He looked across the table at Frank and Hazel. “You guys remember Polybotes?””The giant who invaded Camp Jupiter,” Hazel said. “The anti-Poseidon you whacked in...

If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity.

When we come face-to-face with one down a dark alley, we’re going to be having a shufti to see if it’s solid, aren’t we, we’re not going to be asking, ‘Excuse me, are you the...

You’ll be warmer, and I promise I won’t grope you or anything.”Yes, because getting groped by a handsome, charming man hours after getting dumped by a workaholic iceberg was such a repulsive notion.

Women were created gullible. It they weren’t no babies would be born.

A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.

She released her weapon with one hand, twisted around, and kissed him. It was the deepest she had ever kissed him. Blood filled his face, and he went limp at the touch of her lips....

I love you” is because those three words represent 10% of the average man’s vocabulary.

Black clothing makes me look skinnier. If I wear all black at night, and turn out the lights, I look so skinny that I disappear.

No sight so sad as that of a naughty child,” he began, “especially a naughty little girl. Do you know where the wicked go after death?””They go to hell,” was my ready and orthodox answer.”And...

Right,” said Fat Charlie conversationally. “You realize, of course, that this means war.” It was the traditional war cry of a rabbit when pushed too far.

And out came an insult with the velocity of a whisper. But I could see I offended, so I zipped up my pants and left the wedding reception.

Jimmy Murray, you are an ass,’ said Aunt Ruth, angrily.’Well, we’re cousins,’ agreed Cousin Jimmy pleasantly.

Simon did not solve problems, he just shamed them into going away.

Asking me if I’m in love is like asking a mortician if now is the best time to die.

You make me so happy I could frown. Let us dance like two rocking chairs at a KISS concert, and let us kiss like two people named Sam Asmas who’ve just discovered the meaning of...

During our first date,I wanted to hold your hand so badI almost cut mine offand threw it at youto see if you would catch it

You don’t have to say a thing except yes. You don’t have to do anything, either, I’m quite willing to plan it all.” “You?””Yes me.””You’d plan all of it? Even the wedding?””Why not?””You don’t even...

I can draw like it’s nobody’s business. I use my door as a canvas, so don’t knock, because it’s nobody’s business.

Deal with him, Hemingway!

Television’s perfect. You turn a few knobs, a few of those mechanical adjustments at which the higher apes are so proficient, and lean back and drain your mind of all thought. And there you are...

The truth is I did try to stab him. I tried to stab him with a butter knife. Why? Because it seemed deadlier than trying to stab him with a melting stick of butter.

I was in love. Either that, or I was knocking on the wrong door. But it didn’t matter, because nobody answered.

It is Nixon himself who represents that dark, venal and incurably violent side of the American character that almost every country in the world has learned to fear and despise. Our Barbie-doll president, with his...

Try me, and you start LOVING!!

I make art and I make love, and I almost always do both at the same time. If the cops ask, I’ll tell them I was framed. Same goes for the museum.

The theist and the scientist are rival interpreters of nature, the one retreats as the other advances.

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

What’s the opposite of start? Would the average person think stop or finish? The answer may reflect the difference between a winner and a loser.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

Humm humm haaa. Rahmumm humm haaaa,” intoned Opal, finishing her chant. “Peace be inside me, tolerance all around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is so that I...

Watch over Honoria, will you? See that she doesn’t marry an idiot.

Punctuation, is? fun!

George Bush isn’t Hitler. He could be if he applied himself.

…but with the hours I sometimes kept at the coffeehouse I had to have learned to take naps during the day or die, and I had learned to take naps. Up until five months ago...

If my initials were Y.E.S., I’d probably go around smiling all the time.

I admit I get the occasional headache,” I said. “I admit some of my hangovers are epic. But usually all it takes for me to bounce back is a sauna, cold-plunge pool, steam bath, massage,...

I suspect it is simply my good looks. . . .

What a refreshing mind you have, young man. There really is nothing quite like total ignorance, is there?

I had a dream about you. You invited me to a picnic, so I brought two bottles of mustard—one for me, and one for the guy who always holds your leash. When I got there...

So. Monday. We meet again.We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.

A dam doesn’t try to reason with the water. Its main purpose is to hold it still for a while. When I lecture my kids I’m doing much the same thing. I’m not trying to...

I saw the corpse, and I called the cops. But not before I called a 1-800 phone sex number with the dead guy’s phone and credit card.

If you look at some of those dysfunctional vampyre relationships, we’re near normal.

Make love. I meant make love … of course. I would never just stick my dick in you. I would make mad, passionate love to this sweet, sweet body of yours for days, no, weeks....

I had a dream about you. Your face was puffy, like a puffer fish, only puffier, and I thought it was from crying. Nope, turns out you were just fat. But at least you were...

I’ve just finished reading some of my early papers, and you know, when I’d finished I said to myself, ‘Rutherford, my boy, you used to be a damned clever fellow.’ (1911)