Like eggs, I’m scrambling to get ahead in this economic depression.

Caesar was a serial seducer of married women.

You smell good,” he whispered into my neck. He was warm against me. Instinctively, I arched back into him and smiled. “Really?” “Mmm-hmm. Delicious. Like bacon.

If you want to catch beasts you don’t see every day,You have to go places quite out of the way,You have to go places no others can get to.You have to get cold and you...

You would do the same for me.” He smiled a big toothy smile before he hopped off my car and walked away, leaving me wondering what was up with the guy in the girl jeans...

If your name is Alex Andrew Aaron, and you are a straight-A student, is it because your initials are AAA, because your first middle, and last names are all first names, or because a business...

Columbus was born around 1492. I say around because before that the world was flat. My stomach also used to be flat, but now it looks like a globe is about to be born.

Everyone knows how people who laugh easily create us by their laughter,–making us think of funnier and funnier things.

hobos’ (a slang term that combines the words ‘hope’ and ‘bowl of beans given to me for free by a woman who then initiated intercourse’)

Love is like water, except it’s either fog or ice. I make love like a steamy 32 degrees.

You can’t save everybody. In fact, there are days when I think you can’t save anyone. Each person has to save himself first, then you can move in and help. I have found this philosophy...

Ninety minutes of pure naughty (limit 30 minutes per customer). *No clones or triplets allowed!

Come on, it is a guest bedroom! If you want your guests to feel at home, they should be allowed to do whatever they do at home!

Jace?” She offered him the glass. “I am a man,” he told her. “And men do not consume pink beverages. Get the gone, woman and bring me something brown.””Brown?” Isabelle made a face. “Brown is...

All right,” Mom said. She gave Samuel a stern look,”Now I don’t know what’s going on between you and my daughter and Adam Hauptman-“”Neither do we,” I mutteredSamuel grinned “We have it pretty well worked...

I admire from a distance. Too close and the flaws form a craterous landscape and the charm is lost. Who do you think I am, Neil Armstrong?

And then, anger gave way to pure and simple job satisfaction. I mean, when I looked at a dead zombie head on a spike, I thought, “Hey, I did that. Picasso would have been proud....

I can Grandma like nobody’s business. Hey, mind your own, grandpa, before I go all Uncle Sam on your ass.

In my mind, I’m probably the biggest sex maniac you ever saw.

Perhaps not,” said Will, who had ears like a bat’s. “But I would make a radiant bride.

New rules. If you are smart enough to live, you won’t hit Charles’s mate in front of his father.

Due to its late nature, tomorrow morning will start after tonight. People say early morning, but it’s later than late at night, so I say it’s entirely too decadent for me to be a part...

One will abide, and will confess that another is nobler than he, that another is richer, more handsome, and even that he is more learned, but that another is richer in reason scarcely any will...

Life is about having an attitude of gratitude. And grabitude. Seriously, you’ve got to take stuff. What, do you think someone’s just going to hand you what you want?

If I went into the prosthetic limb business, I’d charge an arm and a leg.

Life is complex. It has real and imaginary parts.

Do not pay attention to my cousins. Every family needs a couple idiots and we keep them around for entertainment.

If there’s a 50% chance of rain, I guess it means it’ll be half sunny. Relationships are similar, with my love being sunny and your love being cloudy.

I didn’t dream about you last night. I woke up in fear.

At the end of the day” to bed.

An empty room holds nothing but memories. At least it would, if I didn’t just finish packing up the last of the sadness.

Use that fluff of yours you call a brain.

Black graffiti on a black helicopter.

I think Shakespeare said it best, when he said whatever he said about whatever he was talking about.

Renee was beautiful, but she was my friend now. On the other hand, Annette was my friend, but now she was beautiful. makes about as much sense as anything ever does with girls

I steal sleep. I steal it from people who are asleep, because it’s not like they’ll even notice anything’s been taken until it’s too late—or too early.

A leap of faith doesn’t involve leg strength. Still, I can’t take any chances, so I’ve been doing squats.

If we are going to start calling industrial corn sustainable, then we might as well say that petroleum is a renewable resource if you’re willing to wait long enough.

Life is like a box of chocolates.

The good news is my neighbor survived the fire. The bad news is I like my food cooked a little more thoroughly.

We need to remember what’s important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn’t matter, but work is third.

One of the things Ford Prefect had always found hardest to understand about humans was their habit of continually stating and repeating the very very obvious.

Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. – Holden Caulfield

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I’m a dog. Tomorrow I’ll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There’s so little hope for advancement.

Be afraid of nothing but be aware of everything.

My family has a Christmas tradition: Every year, they kill my mom.

Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!

My parents didn’t grow up here or anything. They chose to live in this nowhere town. Why? Because it was named after Hannibal of Carthage. Their basic train of thought was this: Hannibal’s Rest? And...

The lunchmeat fell on the floor, and I didn’t know what to do, so I wiped it off on the bottom of my shoe and served it to my boss. Ah, but that’s life, no?

Yeah, it’s just me and my trash can here,” as I patted its lid and started pushing it up the driveway.