I invented an invisible machine to help you get to sleep. It only works after your eyes stay shut for a length of time. It’s also so quiet that you won’t hear it.

I had a dream about you. You wore a cowboy boot, and I wore a better fitting hat. You were in a white dress, like a wedding dress, only weddinger. I was wearing a twisted...

Geologically speaking, of course,” HARV said.

When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.

He was a strange mix of Heinrich Himmler and Barney the Dinosaur.

My teacher asked my favorite color. … I said ‘Rainbow’…. and I was punished to stand out of my class.

How am I? I would be good if I weren’t stuck at work. I work at a glue factory.

I sprained my ankle. I was asleep at the time. I rest restlessly.

I went to a fire sale. I brought a bucket of water, and boy did I make a splash.

In my experience, the romance novels written about BDSM have about as much in common with actual BDSM relationships as a child playing with a jump rope.

The secret to humor is surprise.

Now I feel like James Bond. Suave and intelligent, breaking all the codes while looking fabulous.

…but I’d learned a long time ago that the worse things are, the more people lie about them.

Black holes are darker than magic markers, but not as black as my mood.

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.

Love is like trying to put out a fire with a pair of scissors. I have a thing for redheads with short hair.

how romantic.

I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.

Stirred with passion, laced with fun, spiked with laughter & served with a smile. On the road. No sugar, no mil. Horn OK Please. Buy my books or maythe wrath of a thousand locusts infest...

Her lips taste like mint from toothpaste or gum, or sometimes like cherries or grapes from her lip gloss. She’s soft when I hold her, with curves where my hands rest, and when I touch...

This world is nothing more than fresh white underwear, and I’m going to leave my mark on it.

I want to find myself as a person, and I’ve enlisted the help of my clone to aid me in this. It’s like finding Waldo, except I’m only half wearing the red and white sweater,...

This is going to be murder,” Fransic whispered to Mr. Trimes. “Pure murder.””I’m glad to see your confidence returning, Mr. Tucket. Just a few minutes ago you were ready to give up. Now you’re talking...

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Soak blanket in gravy and make a delicious brick wrap. Serve in All Gravy Room at the Mandrake Hotel.

The story of how I left Huckleberry begins — as do all worthy stories — with a goat

Yes Headwoman Azaze. But I never lie to Rosethorn. She, um, discourages it.””Evvy and I have an understanding.” She grabbed the teakettle and poured hot water into the mug. “She tells me the truth, and...

I am sorry the only outlet for her troubled mind was in clumsy foreplay with an inadequate partner.”He threw the rest of her sandwich at the swinging door as she passed through it.

It’s a shiny tin can of a day, bright but gray. Welcome to one of Florida’s two overcast days per year. A Florida winter can last a brutally long 48 hours, and in that time...

I saw my reflection in a glass, but I did not drink of myself. I’m thirsty for her love, not my own backwash.

This morning I took out a comma and this afternoon I put it back again.

Years from now, when I’m successful and happy, …and he’s in prison… I hope I’m not too mature to gloat.

I’ve had great success being a total idiot.

He was stupid. If I killed everyone who was stupid, I wouldn’t have time to sleep.

I make love in the rain, alone, under an umbrella, because people in phone booths cannot be trusted. I hang my clothes up like I hang up a phone—long distance.

The ultimate dead end is murder. My house is on a dead-end street, and it’s killing me. My house is so small it’s trying to suffocate me.

Trying to remember a dream from a decade ago is like trying to catch fog in a coffee filter. I could subsist on morning mist.

To be really mediæval one should have no body. To be really modern one should have no soul. To be really Greek one should have no clothes.

I raise my head and see a red illuminated EXIT sign and as my eyes adjust I see tigers, cavemen with long spears, cavewomen wearing strategically modest skins, wolfish dogs. My heart is racing and...

Holy fu-” he starts then catches himself.”Yes,this tithe will be most pleasing to her Goodness.” Me and Magnus exchange amused glances.

Who knows himself a braggart, let him fear this, for it will come to pass that every braggart shall be found an ass.

Yes, vanity is a weakness indeed. But pride – where there is a real superiority of mind, pride will be always under good regulation.

We agreed to meet at 4. I meant AM and she meant PM, so we both just stood around thinking we’d been stood up.

The over-weight and out of shape guy who owned the house had apparently decided that having a half-million dollar house meant that he couldn’t afford to hire someone to clean out his gutters. Now he...

When things are at their blackest, I say to myself, ‘Cheer up, things could be worse.’ And sure enough, they get worse.

Men circle like bees around honey, buzzing to communicate their sexual despair.

Intelligence is the ability to avoid doing work, yet getting the work done.

Ironically, the only way to see clearly is to stand at a distance. You might be focused, but that doesn’t mean you are seeing correctly. Sometimes, you have you to grab the camera from the...

I mean, electric shock? Isn’t that a bit… electric shock-y?

I sat next to a salmon on the sofa. After ten minutes of bear-like conversation, it was dead. Oh well, at least surrealism is still alive.