A punching bag. The guy was pounding on a punching bag. That realization took about a nanosecond to register in her brain before the real important information came to the forefront: LoriSue, God bless her...

Excruciating agony makes me cranky.

It may be 9:01 am, and I may have a 9-5 business, but if you are a politician, I’m closed. Come back at 5:01—and bring your own coffin.

Do you write novels?” I said.”Novels, Lord no,” she said. “I can’t even stay married.

I bought a faucet, but water wasn’t included. That’s like when you buy my love—it’s dirty and used, but soap isn’t included.

She didn’t have the body of the supermodel. But that’s OK, because she didn’t have the face of one either.

The powers of a man’s mind are directly proportioned to the quantity of coffee he drinks.

A friend asks, “Tell me one word which is significant in any kinds of relationship.” Another friend says, “LISTEN!

If we can expect another journey tomorrow, we should secure horses,” Ferrin went on. “And if the sun will be shining, perhaps a goat for Aram.””Keep it up,” Aram dared him through clenched teeth.”Is a...

A coffin with wheels would make a great shopping cart. I’ll bet a hollowed-out body would hold a lot of soup.

He may even find it as amusant as I do, and we will be sharing a belly laugh tomorrow.

I cross country ski on conveyer belts covered with shaved ice. People trying to check out at the grocery store need to show more respect for serious athletes.

But with man the case is otherwise, in that when logic leads to any humiliating conclusion, the sole effect is to discredit logic.

He gave a wry smile. With all this vigilant vigils on virginity, you would think the country would have controlled its population by now.

Gracie: You have an unusual house. Have you lived here long?Bobby Tom: A couple of years. I don’t much like it myself, but the architect is real proud of it. She calls it urban Stone...

People can do great things. However, there are some things they just CAN’T do. I, for instance, have not been able to transform myself into a Popsicle, despite years of effort.

Ulysses,” by Joyce, because like my undergraduate college degree, that’s nine and a half years of my life I’ll never get back. If the book had been about 75 pages shorter, I might have finished...

Well sure, who doesn’t need a boyfriend? but realistically, those exotic creatures are hard to come by. At least a quality one.

I make ridiculous like I make damn sure nobody sees me when I do. I make it by hand and then I sell it on Etsy. Buy local.

People should be heard, and music should be listened to.

Hey, Walks Like An Egyptian, how about for once you drop the formal stuff and talk like you live in the twenty-first century?” The shit’s gonna splatter, start buggin’, yo,” Mencheres responded instantly. I stared at him,...

Did I mention how cute you look in my clothes?”Blushing I just look at what I’m wearing and laugh. “Chicks Dig me? And Sponge Bob boxers?””Chicks do dig me! And Sponge Bob is a great...

I’m sorry that your mystical, godlike powers do not instantly work as you would like them to.

I was only 20% right, while she was 80% right. Still, I was right that she was wrong—20% wrong.

You can knock on a deaf man’s door forever.

I named my ovaries, too, but they don’t get out as much.

Every instinct that is found in any man is in all men. The strength of the emotion may not be so overpowering, the barriers against possession not so insurmountable, the urge to accomplish the desire...

Winston Gallagher!” I said, recognizing the first ghost I’de met. Then my eyes narrowed & I covered my hand in front of my crotch as I saw Winstons gaze fasten there next. “Don’t even think...

You must feed them, Anne, else they eat their toys.

I like visiting people in prison. I can say whatever I want to them, and they can’t do anything about it.

My brain is an amazing machine. Too bad I can’t take credit for it. As brilliant as I am, think how profound the Designer that created me is.

An aged monk led me to the infirmary. “He’s got the place to himself. Once the other invalids learned there was a dragon coming they miraculously got well! The lame could walk and the blind...

Tyler lies back and asks, “If Marilyn Monroe were alive right now, what would she be doing?”I say, goodnight.The headliner hangs down in shreds from the ceiling and Tyler says, “Clawing at the lid of...

I’m not the same person I was when I wasn’t. I’m different now, in that now I’m drinking coffee.

I’d made the vampire cry. Great. I felt like a real superhero. Harry Dresden, breaker of monsters’ hearts.

Relationships are not additive, but multiplicative because you connect with his/her childhood experiences, past relationships, thoughts on money and more.

The greatest proof that the Bible is inspired is that it has withstood so much bad preaching!

My love letter had so much ink that it weighed as much as a bowling ball, but it was emotionally heavier. That’s probably why she bowled a 300 with it.

Will there be cheese?” asked Chisolm.

Z: “You know, this was a hell of a lot easier when you were out cold in the back of that truck.”Phury: “That was you?”Z:”You think it was Santa Claus or some shit?

With sex, I’d recommend practicing a lot. But remember, have fun with it. After all, you do want to get your money’s worth.

Age is always advancing and I’m fairly sure it’s up to no good.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on TheeAnd I’ll forgive Thy great big one on me.

On a wing and a prayer.” (After being asked how the angels make love in Milton’s Paradise Lost).

I’m a competitor, and I welcome competition. My ideal matchup would be the best versus the best, or more concretely, me versus my clone. I don’t know if he’d beat me or if I’d beat...

Just for the record the weather today is slightly sarcastic, with a good chance of A. indifference and B. disinterest in what the critics say.

Ride?” Rhage snorted. “Please. That thing is a sewing machine with an air dam taped to it. My GTO could dust the fucker in fourth gear from a dead stop.”When there was an odd sound...

A candle that smells like asshole would be an instant hit in prison.

Madame Bellwings, Memoir Elf Coordinator, was not at all pleased with this request, because elves who write the memoirs of teenage girls have the habit of returning to the magical realm with atrocious grammar. They...

What do you do,’ said Jean, ‘with, ah, “ungifted” children when you have them?”Cherish them and raise them, you imbecile. Most of them end up working for us, in Karthain and elsewhere. What did you...