You would do the same for me.” He smiled a big toothy smile before he hopped off my car and walked away, leaving me wondering what was up with the guy in the girl jeans...

(Da) “Sorry, Son, what was that? I was too busy ignoring you.”(Later) “Sorry, Son, I missed that,” Ma said. “Ignoring you can be a full-time job.

I can’t be always and everywhere Who Man. Sometimes I have to be the Why Guy. But that’s what makes women want to make love to me and give me a discount price.

Coffee is the anti-sleep, and I drink it like I eat ice, because I’m thirsty—and hungry for alertness.

hobos’ (a slang term that combines the words ‘hope’ and ‘bowl of beans given to me for free by a woman who then initiated intercourse’)

A brick could be used to help you keep your job. Just hold it down, man.

You can’t save everybody. In fact, there are days when I think you can’t save anyone. Each person has to save himself first, then you can move in and help. I have found this philosophy...

Joe was so tired that he had slept through first hour Spanish, second hour history, and most of third hour English. The English teacher, Mrs. Lane, hadn’t taken a liking to that. She decided to...

Sometimes my thoughts are too slimy for my brain, and they come shooting out of my penis. They are life-changing thoughts, so I’d recommend taking them deep inside of you.

What are you thinking, Bliss?”I should have said, you. Naked. That would have shocked him. Not that I was actually thinking of him naked… well, now that I mentioned it I was… damn.

All right,” Mom said. She gave Samuel a stern look,”Now I don’t know what’s going on between you and my daughter and Adam Hauptman-“”Neither do we,” I mutteredSamuel grinned “We have it pretty well worked...

A brick could be used to satisfy your hunger—and satisfy my curiosity.

And then, anger gave way to pure and simple job satisfaction. I mean, when I looked at a dead zombie head on a spike, I thought, “Hey, I did that. Picasso would have been proud....

People don’t talk like this, theytalklikethis. Syllables, words, sentences run together like a watercolor left in the rain. To understand what anyone is saying to us we must separate these noises into words and the...

My bed’s comforter is yellow. It has to be to hide all the melted butter stains. I make love like microwave popcorn—only in half the time!

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

New rules. If you are smart enough to live, you won’t hit Charles’s mate in front of his father.

A blanket provides warmth. So does the joy a good joke brings.

One will abide, and will confess that another is nobler than he, that another is richer, more handsome, and even that he is more learned, but that another is richer in reason scarcely any will...

Gossip is just a tool to distract people who have nothing better to do from feeling jealous of those few of us still remaining with noble hearts.

Last night my girl and I were knocking boots, but it won’t happen tonight, because earlier today I went out and bought a doorbell.

Love is the only gift that’s acceptable to give away as soon as you get it.

Do not pay attention to my cousins. Every family needs a couple idiots and we keep them around for entertainment.

A brick could be licked, like a cat’s asshole. But obviously inversed, because your tongue is soft and the brick is rough.

I didn’t dream about you last night. I woke up in fear.

It’s difficult to see the glass ceiling because it’s made of glass. Virtually invisible. What we need is for more birds to fly above it and shit all over it, so we can see it...

When I masturbate, I pump my hand so fast it’s like a hummingbird blur. But I make love like the anti-hummingbird. In fact, in bed I’m so slow with my love making it’s almost indistinguishable...

I was gardening when I saw this snail/slug thing disguised as a leaf. Ah, isn’t fall a wonderful time to slowly fall in love?

Black graffiti on a black helicopter.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Renee was beautiful, but she was my friend now. On the other hand, Annette was my friend, but now she was beautiful. makes about as much sense as anything ever does with girls

Just eat some chex mix and have a glass of milk and you’ll be fine.

I make love like I make sausages. And I don’t make sausages. At least not myself. I pay someone to make it for me. And sometimes I even pay for the sex that I’m paying...

If you forget your manners, you can always borrow mine. I won’t be using them.

Life is like a box of chocolates.

We want Max to… breed. To produce heirs. Who will govern the world after she dies.”Dead silence for quite some time. We all stared at Dr. Hans, our jaws dropped to various levels. Our lives...

We need to remember what’s important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn’t matter, but work is third.

1980’s: not a time period but a state of mind.

I make love like a can opener. Will you be my Spaghetti O’s?

You drink wine by the glass, and I drink wine by the trashcan. Seriously, I’ll be by the trashcan if you need me.

Be afraid of nothing but be aware of everything.

A brick could be used as a flashlight. What, still dark? Check the batteries, because they may be dead.

Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!

Remember the part about big and scary.

I lost my virginity in the back seat of a Buick. Not because I’m a romantic, but because my grandpa and grandma were in the front seats.

I bought an empty safe, and I keep it empty, because safety doesn’t exist, so my safes are full of their potential.

And here’s something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren’t answered. What do you say? “Well, it’s God’s will.” “Thy Will Be Done.” Fine, but if it’s God’s will, and He’s going...

Was she on some sort of Candid Camera version of This is Your Sucky Love Life?

Mental Note #50: The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, even though it most desperately wants to. – Notes from Ellen Wasserfeldman

Love is the only wound that feels good and is both self-inflicted and caused by others. I should sell emotional Band-Aids.