Love is something I know all about. Not from experience, but from quizzing numerous hookers about their chosen industry.

I’m thinking of killing everyone whose name is a palindrome

Smartass Disciple: If there were two masters, which one should I listen to?Master of Stupidity: Use the ears to the one who looks so stupid, eyes to else.

Then you’re aping him. Valentine was one of the most arrogant and disrespectful men I’ve ever met. I suppose he brought you up to be just like him.””Yes,” Jace said, unable to help himself, “I...

Do you remember what we just did? Please tell me you remember what we just did.”She briefly toyed with the idea of lying and saying no, just to see the look on his face, but...

To think or not to think? That is the new question.

Don’t call a woman a bitch. Call her an ass-hole. It still gets your point across and it’s not sexist.

And tell your friend in the striped shirt that he’s in my seat.

I buy my clothes large, so I feel comfortable gaining weight. When I love, I do it in two sizes—extra large, and refill.

There are three things that none of the young men of the present generation can do.They can’t sit over their wine;they can’t play at wist;and they can’t pay a lady a compliment.

He looked back at her, and when she saw the look on his face, she saw his eyes at Renwick’s, when he had watched the Portal that separated him from his home shatter into a...

I wore a hat, to compensate for the fact that my pants were unzipped. When we made love, she asked if I brought a condom, so I showed her my tube socks. I brought two,...

Of all the idiots I have met in my life, and the Lord knows they have not been few or little, I think that I have been the biggest.

The sundress she wanted was too expensive for me, so I bought her a moondress. It’s not as shiny, but it still makes me howl.

A brick could be used to replace the brother you never had. Well, it’s only a possibility, but you probably won’t like it, because as soon as your parents gain another child, you’ll quickly find...

I was too late to be early. Good thing I was on time. And though my I love you was said at the right moment, my aim was off and I hit the wrong person.

Nerd love. It is a beautiful thing, while also being an object of mockery and hilarity for those of us who are more sophisticated.

When the sky is blue, I think of her. When the sky is gray, I think of her. When the sky is black, I think of her. But when the sky is orange, I think...

I mean to say, I know perfectly well that I’ve got, roughly speaking, half the amount of brain a normal bloke ought to possess. And when a girl comes along who has about twice the...

There are two types of people in this world. People who hate clowns…and clowns. (Bobby Pendragon)

This was fun. We should find out we’re still married more often.””Why, so every day can be a special new plunge into hell?””Nobody I’d rather burn with than you, babe.

Respect? Of course, always, to all, because everything seems funnier when you’re trying to show respect.

Eat dirt evil doer!

A lightning bolt is sharper than an axe, because it’ll chop down a tree with one strike. My love is like that too—good for making firewood.

How did you hear about that?”Are you kidding me? So far, I had that runt Kyle-”I hate him. I hate all vamps. That complete toad, Michael-”-tell me you were pregnant by a vamp-”kidnnaped me and-Kyle...

A brick could have been used as a father figure in place of my dad when I was growing up, because a brick may be dumb, but at least it isn’t dumb and interfering in...

A blanket could be used to cover my couch. Nobody should see that I constructed my sofa on the bones of my ancestors.

Your dog looks dirty. You could give it a bath, or I could piss on it for free. Or you could pay me to piss on it, that’d work too.

New Rule: America has every right ot bitch about gas prices suddenly shooting up. How could we have known? Oh, wait, there was that teensy, tiny thing about being warned constantly over the last forty...

Well, I see you won. The fruit won’t be going anywhere anytime soon. Maybe the apples. Those look like they need some more killing.

[On writing Jeeves and Wooster stories]:You tell yourself that you can take Jeeves stories or leave them alone, that one more can’t possibly hurt you, because you know you can pull up whenever you feel...

I have two masters: laziness and ambition. Laziness is muscular, and ambition is brainy. When the two masters fight it out, guess who wins? That’s right, the slaves do.

A brick could be used like sandpaper, to smooth out a cat’s rough tongue.

My mother always told me not to pick my nose, so I’m going let the plastic surgeon decide what my new nose will look like. I’m hoping he makes it look like either a Tiffany...

New Rule: Stop putting psychedelic screensavers on computers. I sit down to check my e-mail, and the next thing I know it’s three days later, I’m in the desert, I’m banging on a drum, I’m...

I’ve been to a horse farm, a magical place where jockeys grow on trees. That’s where we made love for the first time like it was the second time.

Even I realized that money was to politicians what the eucalyptus tree is to koala bears: food, water, shelter, and something to crap on.

Renaldo once made a sex tape, and even fully erect, he still had to shoot it four times just to get some “footage.

Serpentfire can burn for a very long time if the bagic is strong,” said Aldric. “It’s hard to handle, that kind of fire, it seems to have a mind of its own, but it can...

There is much in our culture to affront the eye of the fervent terrorist postulant, things out there that do us no favors, to be sure. If, for example, it came to light that the...

You know, if you’re an American and you’re born at this time in history especially, you’re lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery.

I sorted my sordid sort ofs from my maybes. Then I made love like never before. Seriously, I’d never made love before, and I have to say, it didn’t cost me as much money as...

I brug you two [gifts]..I gots thelittle here in my pockie.’ He dug one hand deep into his pocket and pulled out a handful of nuts and a dead grasshopper. ‘Nope. Be the other side’...

I drink hot coffee in the summer, and iced coffee in the winter. I’m a contrarian, and contrary to popular belief I’m not a sellout. I rent.

When she got back from taking Cassie to school Fancy knew that she ought to be working on her wilderness romance. She had promised thirty thousand words to her editor by tomorrow, and she had...

I generally find,’ Clent murmured after a pause, ‘that it is best to treat borrowed time the same way as borrowed money. Spend it with panache, and try to be somewhere else when it runs...

Over the last fifteen months we’ve traveled to every corner of the United States. I’ve now been to fifty-seven states. I think, one left to go.

What is pink, blurry, and always leaving when you’re arriving? Love.

I undid the wrappings with great curiosity, for Holmes did not normally give gifts. I opened the dark velvet jewller’s box and found inside a shiny new set of picklocks, a younger version of his...

Anything that doesn’t take years of your life and drive you to suicide hardly seems worth doing.