I own the night, and all the blackness that isn’t. It is isn’t.

I would not wish to marry someone who had already been married. It would be,’ she opined, ‘like having someone else break in one’s own pony.

I should charge my bank money every time I endorse the back of a check. What is the going rate these days for the autograph of an aspiring writer?

I could never be a chef, because I could ‘t bare the thought of my art always turning to shit.

While I was drying off Maddie after her bath tonight, she said, ‘I love you’ to me for the first time. It sounded like ‘All lub boo,’ but I didn’t care. To reciprocate, I showed...

Look, we need to make time, but we also need to be somewhat quiet.” She faced him. “I am being quiet!”Pathik held a finger up to his lips. “Seriously. Quite. You don’t really want to...

Veeva should count her blessings. Three years ago it was cocaine and a year ago it was crack and lemme tell you, that stuff you got to have. You do anything for that high.” He...

Consider it a gift that you didn’t have to unwrap.

‘Not drinking?’ Collin asked coolly. ‘I only drink the blood of virgins,’ Logan quipped. ‘You must be dehydrated then.’ A slow smile spread over Logan’s face. ‘A sense of humor… rare in a Templar.’

I saw two lizards kissing yesterday, but I scared them off. Maybe I should have taken off my bird costume before peeping on them.

In the lobby of every business incubator there needs to be a bathtub, to get the ideas flowing. But to make it funktional, it needs to be used as a fish tank.

You could shove it up your ass and pretend you’re a corn dog.”COURTESY VIOLATION-RESPONSE MUTED-VIOLATION LOGGED

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

The perfectly measured burr of a dispassionate detective had suddenly changed into the explosive boom of a take-no-shit street cop.Suffice it to say, I froze.

But with dogs, we do have “bad dog.” Bad dog exists. “Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!” The dog is saying, “Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had...

My mother is convinced that yellow is a happy color and that a happy girl would get a husband.-Penelope Featherington

Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights.

The man walked past me and stopped, observing the blood running down my neck.”Your injury. Let us tend to it.” He looked out through the open doorway and silently gestured to someone out there. “Our...

I dunno, but I wish I hadn’t.

Somebody get me a cheeseburger!

Snarling an oath from an Icelandic saga, I reclaimed my place at the head of the queue. “Oy!” yelled a punk rocker, with studs in his cranium. “There’s a fackin’ queue!”Never apologize, advises Lloyd George....

Death is coming—but hopefully not before old age, decrepitude, and senility.

—,Acabas de… lavar un plato? —Dee retrocedió lentamente, parpadeando. Miró a Daemon—. El mundo se va a terminar. Y sigo siendo vir…—¡No! —gritaron los hermanos al unísono. Daemon parecía que en realidad iba a vomitar.—Jesús,...

I am the sum of all somes, with a few scattered nones and nuns thrown in (though I didn’t throw the nuns in, as I don’t condone violence).

I had a dream about you. You were 1882, and I was 1982. You said you were older, and I replied that I was taller. Still, for being a midget, you were pretty good at...

Jesus was a good guy, he didn’t need this shit.

There’s a saying,” Aeneas said: “Keep an eye on Greeks when they offer gifts.” He spoke wryly. “Horses, particularly.

Staring at my smoldering hot date, her husband stands tall for the first time in a decade, adjusting his toupee while flashing a horrid green toothy grin that looks more like a Steven Hawkins muscle...

Control your temper, or it will control you. Sometimes even remotely, like a toy car. Christmas is coming up, and for only $44.44 I’ll sell you a gift that would be perfect for the child...

Polly had arrived in the world outraged to discover that her sisters had gotten there before her.

My asshole smells like burnt firewood, and I’ve got firemen calling me. But I won’t answer, because my answer is no, they can’t take me out on a date.

Well I would have used silverware if you hadn’t sold all the forks and spoons to pay for your Ethel Merman addiction.”

Orphans? Would you really? Adopt children?””There are advantages. If they turn out badly, we can blame their natural parents. We can also choose our own assortment of ages and genders. We can even get them...

My dad used to say that life’s a journey, but somebody screwed up and lost the map.

Hey, Geekoid!” yelled Duncan Dougal, “Why do you read so much? Don’t you know how to watch TV?

Oh great, the retirement capital of the world. I’ll be dead within a decade.

A woman without a past is like a fruitcake without brandy—insipid!” Aunt Augusta in Aunt Dimity and the Family Tree.

I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before.

Yes, but they also don’t protest when you root through their pockets.

It rather goes without saying that Katherine drank her coffee black. Katherines do, generally. They like their coffee like they like their ex-boyfriends: bitter.

Trolls have a longstanding animosity for goats–“Who’s that trip-tapping across my bridge!?”–and this led me to think that perhaps trolls are related to goats, since it seems a lot more plausible to me that your...

I don’t really like coffee, she said, but I don’t really like it when my head hits my desk when I fall asleep either.

I dance so fluid that I often drink the floor.

‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ ‘Oh God. That’s exactly what my last three boyfriends said when they dumped me. Is it in the Y-Chromosome User’s Manual or something?’ He grinned. ‘On page five. But, you...

Like all of my friends, she’s a lousy judge of character.

I collect kitchens, one empty coffee cup at a time. I wish they made dishwashers that cleaned with dreams, not laundry detergent.

We journalists love writing about eccentrics. We hate writing about impenetrable, boring people. It makes us look bad: the duller the interviewee, the duller the prose. If you want to get away with wielding true,...

My heart battered against my ribs, my breath stalled and I gazed up into his laughing, smiling eyes…eyes that suddently glowed crimson and cruel.

This is me.’” He handed her the precious scrap of paper. ‘Call me or I’ll call you, but one of us will call, yes? What I mean is it’s not a competition. You don’t lose...

I’m an amazing dancer. Of course, to the casual observer, my dancing looks like I’m walking and then sitting.