I had a dream about you. You had hair like dandelion blowball, and I was one hurricane sneeze away from making you bald. You may have been in danger of losing your hair, but at...

He spent the next weeks blocking scenes of the bureaucrat fucking his wife. On the floor with cooking ingredients. Standing, with socks still on. In the grass of the yard of their new and immense...

If I were a lawyer, I’d only date women named Sue.

High School: Oh, man. This is where boys and girls go from tweens to teens and become complicated and cruel. Girls play sick mind games; boys try to pull each other’s penises off and throw...

Wes sat in a cracked vinyl booth picking at his fries and listening to Amanda go on and on about the dress she’d found. ‘…and it has these little lavender bows. Oh, Wes, I can’t...

I used to give advice, and no one wanted it. Now I give suggestions and everyone asks for more.

The harmonica has musical wind, and is the breath of soul. It’s like a sad, lonely I love you lost in the breeze.

Taking the alphabet first and learning one letter a year for twenty-six years he will be able to read and write as early in life as he ought to. If we were more careful not...

My left hand is my bad hand. I spank it with my right hand. You might call it clapping, but I call it discipline.

This [discovery of a cell-free yeast extract] will make him famous, even though he has no talent for chemistry.{Comment on German scientist Eduard Buchner who later ironically won a Nobel Prize in Chemistry for this...

Thank God (my wife) and I were both born poorso the concept of fidelity was allowed to take root in us.

I’m not going to touch her,” he said “She’s not mine.She never will be.””Indeed.” Bruiser rolled his eyes and dusted off his hat. “Definitely no years of pent-up lusting there. Glad we have that sorted.

I want to get even. I want to get even more money.

[Harrier] locked eyes with Zanattar. He couldn’t remember another time in his life when he’d been this angry and hadn’t hit something.

A brick could be put on the end of a scale, to determine if the other end of the scale holds a lie or the truth. (Hint: The truth is much heavier than a brick.)

Her golden hair moved like a hundred moths, all trying to saturate themselves in sunlight, while his hair was spiked like cleats, and he wore a shoe for a hat. He said it helped him...

Must you go? I was rather hoping you’d stay and be a ministering angel, but if you must go, you must.””I’ll stay,” Will said a bit crossly, and threw himself down in the armchair Tessa...

Merda! Her lace panties had snagged on his ring, the signet ring he’d inherited from his father, Giacomo Casanova. His father had seduced hundred of women without any problems whatsoever, and he was having trouble...

The End of the Raven”On a night quite unenchanting, when the rain was downward slantingI awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for.Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found...

take a strict view of their excrements, and, from the colour, the odour, the taste, the consistence, the crudeness or maturity of digestion, form a judgment of their thoughts and designs; because men are never...

There is a species of primate in South America more gregarious than most other mammals, with a curious behavior.The members of this species often gather in groups, large and small, and in the course of...

People put bars on their windows to keep themselves safe, and I say why not just commit a felony and go to prison? Plenty of bars there.

I’ve got the Mark of Cain,” said Simon. “That means nothing can kill me, right?””You can kill yourself,” Magnus said, somewhat unhelpfully. “As far as I know, inanimate objects can accidentally kill you. So if...

She heard Piers give an excited little cry and someone gave an excited little cry in return, and Grace Vaughn appeared in the open doorway, laden down with garment bags.For one fleeting moment, Ellie saw...

I launder dirty money. You should see my washing machine. (It’s filthy!)

Margueritte hat einen Abschluss. Nicht ur einen popeligen Abschluss wie die mittlere Reife, die jeder Dahergelaufene hat (na ja, bis auf mich), sondern sie hat ein richtiges Studium hinter sich. So was dauert so lange,...

Desjani pulled out a ration bar. ‘Hungry?’ she asked Geary.’I had something earlier. Is that a Yanika Babiya?”No. It’s . . .’ She squinted at the label. ‘Spicy chicken curry.”A chicken curry ration bar? How...

Music and comedy are so linked. The rhythm of comedy is con­nected to the rhythm of music. They’re both about creating tension and knowing when to let it go. I’m always surprised when somebody funny...

If we’re going to the Silent City, you might want to get dressed. I mean, I appreciate the bra-and-panties look, but I don’t know if the Silent Brothers will. There are only a few of...

Okay, God, I thought. Get me out of this and I’ll stop my half-assed church-going ways. You got me past a pack of Strigoi tonight. I mean, trapping that one between the doors really shouldn’t...

Earn your money, and earn my love. Just like money, sometimes you have to spend love to make love.

Did you see him eat?

A brick could be used as a logo for a company called Blanket. A right turn signal in the left turn only lane could be used to represent a company called Brick.

The Federal Reserve was created after a 1913 meeting in Jekyll Island, Ga that was so secret it wasn’t discovered until Orafoura began cleaning out his underwear drawer in 1982.

Clary made fun of him about his new look; but, then, Clary found everything about Simon’s love life borderline hilarious.

How do you feel right now?” “I hurt like hell.””You’ll feel worse tomorrow.””So?””So, better get a jump on this while you still feel…not as bad.””What kind of logic is that?” I retorted.

Do you remember what we just did? Please tell me you remember what we just did.”She briefly toyed with the idea of lying and saying no, just to see the look on his face, but...

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.

Don’t call a woman a bitch. Call her an ass-hole. It still gets your point across and it’s not sexist.

Chew on this fact: nine out of ten people step on bubblegum left by either me or my associates. The tenth person couldn’t step on it because he’s handicapped. But he most assuredly rolled over...

After an hour of gliding though the crowd and two glasses of tepid wine later, Penelope had reached the spiritual state of being merrily tipsy. It was that perfect state when everything starts looking wonderful...

We watched some of the movie. It was shocking. Sex is apparently hard labor. Various persons supported crushing weights in agonizing positions for what seemed like endless blocks of time. Exhausted men grunted and toiled...

I wore a hat, to compensate for the fact that my pants were unzipped. When we made love, she asked if I brought a condom, so I showed her my tube socks. I brought two,...

As a result of these news stories, millions of people must have become aware of “niggardly,” who otherwise would never have heard it, let alone thought to use it. If this is right, and the...

The sundress she wanted was too expensive for me, so I bought her a moondress. It’s not as shiny, but it still makes me howl.

You’re being parental’, I said. ‘Go find that squid’.

I was also built from delusional optimism and folly.

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

Has it ever occured to you that crazy cat people may be sane and you be the the crazy one?

When the sky is blue, I think of her. When the sky is gray, I think of her. When the sky is black, I think of her. But when the sky is orange, I think...