I don’t want to be your snack, your chew-toy, your fuck-buddy. Find a vampire to sink your fang into.

I had a dream about you. When our talks ended, we left off with leftovers. I stuffed our conversation in Tupperware, but you just left it out to rot and decompose.

It’s better to say something too little, than nothing too much.

A century ago, people laughed at the notion that we were descended from monkeys. Today, the individuals most offended by that claim are the monkeys.

The beagles are partying under Geiger’s desk.

He turned his gaze upon her, and their eyes not only met, the pupils shook hands, exchanged business cards, and sat down for tea together.

Have an itch? Simple—rub poison ivy over the rest of your body, so that all the skin contributes its fair share to a unified, and more hopeful, future. That’s top-level political thinking right there.

A lollygagger is a person choking on a lollipop. That works perfectly, because I sell Heimlich Maneuvers in a variety of flavors.

But what’s the use of arguing with a man? You belong, Mr. Smith, to a sex devoid of a sense of logic. To bring a man into line, there are just two methods: one must...

At Columbus Circle, a juggler wearing a trench cloak and top hat, who is usually at this location afternoons and who calls himself Stretch Man, performs in front of a small, uninterested crowd; though I...

The same amount of terrible?

I need love. Here’s a list of other things I need: eggs, butter, flour, and sugar. I’m making a cake for the woman I love—and another one for my lover.

Conceited little mega-puppy.

A nonhot boy stares at you and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault. But a hot boy…well.

She came through the door the moment my beer arrived. Fortyish, salon-blonde, spray tan, fake boobs and real diamonds. Anywhere else it would be a bimbo alert, but in Florida it was just protective coloration.

Throwing a sub at the Apollyon probably wasn’t something that should be done in public. But I couldn’t help it; I laughed.

I can see myself in my teacher’s eyes. I look like a pupil.

After a cup of tea (two spoonsful for each cup, and don’t let it stand more than three minutes,) it says to the brain, “Now, rise, and show your strength. Be eloquent, and deep, and...

I’m calling it a night.” Well, what else am I going to call it? Nathan?

Dear Literary World, Sorry for breaking down your door…I’ll pay for that!!! Since I’m here and planning to stay a while, let me tell you some stories!!

He shivered. His coat was thin, and it was obvious he would not get his kiss, which he found puzzling. The manly heroes of the penny dreadfuls and shilling novels never had these problems getting...

When someone insults me, I simply shut down. Then I open back up at 9 am the next morning.

Conscience is like a pet: If you spoil it by too much attention it’ll start yipping at the most inopportune times.

Monkeys are superior to men in this: when a monkey looks into a mirror, he sees a monkey.

Don’t show me how I messed up, because I don’t need to be shown. Clearly if I’ve messed up once, I can do it again without any coaching from you.

Religion + Good Works = Good WorksSolve for Religion.

Let me know when you’re ready to talk.” She stopped and glanced at them both over her shoulder. “Maybe then I’d be ready to discuss your sexual twists and my own little abnormal desires. You...

It seems that the young woman made some indelicate suggestion of a threesome…When I got there, Miss Nash was standing by the hot tub in a small bikini, pointing the business end of a SIG-Sauer...

He was a pleasant fellow, saying please and thank you as he pounded me in the face. That’s why I sent him a Get Well Soon card, since he was probably interested in my well-being.

I’m over the hill for come-on lines. On a quiet day, I can hear my liver rotting. For exercise, I fall down. ~ Clete

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Walking alongside his apprentice’s horse, Sethil Longmere, magus of the Third Circle, Magi Master of Dormir’s army, and a man who had seen more years than most men could count, did his best to keep...

Because seeing someone’s heart ripped out, presumably for the first time, is something a person should accept naturally, like finding out there’s no Santa Clause.

Love is on the move like a picture of a statue. I should know, because I painfully painted it.

If a woman asked me how far I’d go on a first date, my reply would be 69 miles. Round trip, not one way.

If my public existence does anything worthwhile, hopefully it at least demystifies the author a bit, because I know when I was younger I felt like authors were like wizards or something. Turns out they’re...

I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and–regardless of their political or cultural differences–accuse each other of cheating.

Do you know how much damage we could do to each other in an hour?

Tink’s a Disneyland whore!”-Jenks

Hypotheses like professors, when they are seen not to work any longer in the laboratory, should disappear.

I left a jar in the doorway to leave the door ajar, but love never walked in.

Death, taxes and childbirth! There’s never any convenient time for any of them.

I look forward to getting my hopes up. I have an appointment for disappointment.

I mean really, how could an artistic individual stay grounded in the nitty-gritty of how many minutes per pound meat has to stay in the oven when trying to fathom the creative philosophy behind the...

Cole – I just thought of a new game.Jaz – What’s that?Cole – Splat the Specter.Jaz – Rules?Cole – You can help me make them up. Right now all I know for sure is that...

College is the best time of your life. When else are your parents going to spend several thousand dollars a year just for you to go to a strange town and get drunk every night?

We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.

I decided that a movie marathon was clearly in order. I tried to narrow down the options. Anything romantic was definitely out, as was anything involving space travel, kings, or handsome princes. Preferably there should...

On the other hand, when you grow up you will discover that some of the people in this world never passed beyond the stage of the cave-man.

In WASP families, if you don’t get along with someone, you have as little to do with them as possible. In Jewish families, you move next door, to make them as miserable as possible.