Next, I wasn’t willing to mimic a dude. I’d done it twice and it wasn’t something I wanted to do again. Ever. Extra body parts and things dangling in place they shouldn’t? No way.

Where is Polonius? HAMLET In heaven. Send hither to see. If your messenger find him not there, seek him i’ th’ other place yourself. But if indeed you find him not within this month, you...

A blanket could be used to warm the hearts of all the nonbelievers. We are all nonbelievers, because nobody believes in everything.

I had a dream about you. You loved me, and I loved you. We had an amazing life until you realized that I also loved your clone. You were jealous, and I didn’t see the...

People who practice freedom of expression are terrorizing our grammatical way of life.

I take my babies rare, and my virgins over easy.

I’m hypoglycemic and squeamish and liable to pass out at the first sign of blood. That happened this morning. I came into the kitchen and found blood on the floor, right next to a few...

I mean emotionally, women are like Bruce Lee and we’re like Donald Duck. An’ I think a lotta guys are afraid of that.

For my own piece of mind, I will forget those who have screwed me over this past year and here recently, but “Aunt Karma” won’t forget you. Good luck with her, I heard she’s a...

A brick is slow, when it’s lying on the floor. But fast when just thrown.

I had a dream about you. The sky looked threatening, and hail the size, shape, and color of boxing gloves started pounding us in the face. Luckily my mustache looked like Chuck Norris, and you...

Sometimes I wonder what happened to great speeches, but then I turn on the TV and I’m in wonder at how good my candidate looks.

The one thing the world will never have enough of is the outrageous.

None of us nine with the sixes. That’s the tragedy of love.

When a child goes missing, do not all the best hunters go looking in the woods, therefore a child did not go missing, it was the best hunter in the woods

I said I fell down. Ah. The ground bloodied your nose, split yer lip, and punched ye in th’ eye, all at once.I said I don’t want to talk about it.

A brick could be used as a penis enlargement aid. Just tie a string around both your penis and a brick, and drop the brick off the roof of a building. I’m not stretching the...

To be the best, you have to be willing to do what nobody does. And today, if nobody reads and nobody works hard, then you also have to give up reading and become lethargic to...

I had a dream about you. I was a ventriloquist trying to share your fashion secrets, but you wouldn’t talk. So we put on a strip show for the department store sale, and I was...

I wear a jockstrap with my gun holster (loaded with fruits and vegetables).

I would be lying if I said I didn’t get a kick out of the assignment. Here I am, a “troubled youth,” and my self-chosen treatment is to become a stalker. Okay, not stalker. Research...

right” because I can predict crazy because I have been trained in the unpredictable nature of consistent craziness because I am crazy.

A flag could be used as a blanket, but a blanket couldn’t be used as a flag. A blanket provides real warmth, not the pseudo warmth that patriotism provides. A blanket-flag would leave you shivering—not...

Amy, she’s got a memory like an elephant, and a body like a meow.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Prison is like high school with knives.

I cut holes in all my shirts under my armpits. Not only is it easier to apply deodorant, but chicks dig it.

An artist who maintains that he has been misunderstood is almost always a bad artist who, I’m afraid to say, has been understood.

Housework won’t kill you, but then again, why take the chance?

Oh, yeah, I borrowed it for a bit of bedtime reading,” said Ron, but very quietly.

The reason the police buy water cannons is not only to control rowdy crowds, but also because my penis is not for sale. However, it is for rent, but not in the fight against freedom.

I’ve been sendin’ you twits for the last hour.

When they say “no preparation necessary,” do they mean to prepare isn’t necessary, or that it’s necessary to not prepare?

I mean that it’s all right to go to bed with an asshole but don’t ever have a baby with one.

She’s in the club. The hopelessly-outnumbered-and-surrounded-by-monsters club.

Enjoy every ounce of your life, get high and be sincere to anybody that comes around you.

Whenever you feel like feeling like a devil’s advocate, Bible-thump. That, in a worldly world, is the great irony and satire of evangelism.

Two Straws and a Spoon,” about one man being cuckolded by a milkshake.

I really don’t know what to think, Mr Holmes,’ Lestrade muttered. ‘Well, that’s nothing new.

Pictures in women’s self-defense books never show women kicking other women. The idea is to leave something to the imagination.

My name is Ron G. Am I wrong?

If you deny the existence of a higher being, you’ve never been to rehab

I can sing!” I say defensively adding, “Like a choking cat.

Pulling the chair out for me, he invited me to sit. I stood there wondering if I could sprint for the nearest exit. Stupid strappy shoes, I’d never make it. He leaned in close and...

I had a dream I was a millionaire. So I’m still in my coma don’t try and wake me.

I was young once and slender and pretty and I made the most of it. It’s somebody else’s turn now.

Motivational Secret of the Week: Dare to dream of dreaming daringly.

I talk about talking like I listen to listening—in a room with mirrored walls that makes me appreciate the infinity that is God.

Behind every successful man, is a Woman breathing through her mouth

When you’re given the gift of truth, you spend a lot of time trying to tone it down because it is already offensive enough.