I am the Mountain Climber of Love. I should mention that I’m deathly afraid of heights.

What if nobody showed up at Armageddon?

People have hope because they cannot see Death standing behind them.

Climate is what you expect, weather is what you get.

I brush my teeth with a leg of fried chicken, and gravy is my toothpaste.

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never...

In a bookstore you can find me in the romance section, because I’m not a lover, I’m a reader.

I want a house with a garage, so someone from the government won’t try to park a tank in my living room.

In a word, we may reasonably hope for the virtual abolition of education when I’m as good as you has fully had its way. All incentives to learn and all penalties for not learning will...

When she realizes that Nigel is having an affair, her first sentiment is satisfaction that she figured it out. Her second is that, despite all the palaver about betrayal, it doesn’t feel so terrible.This is...

The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of a trick learned while mastering the art of living.

Theology, philosophy, metaphysics, and quantum physics are merely ways for God to have his smart people believe in him

To be is to do – SocratesTo do is to be – SartreDo Be Do Be Do – Sinatra

My nickname isn’t Scarface—it’s Scarf Ace. I make knitted neck warmers like I make love—one grandmother at a time.

The French Revolution was the best thing to ever happen inside a croissant the shape of the Fertile Crescent, with a flaky crust like a politician with dandruff.” Of course, when Orafoura told me this...

Man…heats up like a lightbulb: red hot in the twinkling of an eye and cold again in a flash. The female, on the other hand…heats up like an iron. Slowly, over a low heat, like...

All depression has its roots in self-pity, and all self-pity is rooted in people taking themselves too seriously.

What is humor?’ one of their professors had posed, and he had answered, ”nondangerous, unexpectedly inappropriate juxtaposition.

The only way to eat Cheerios is without cheer. Could a product name be more of an oxymoron?

If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.

I booked a table for two at a five-star restaurant. Rebecca couldn’t make it, because at the last minute I backed out of asking her.

I’ll take away your disillusionment, and replace it with an illusion.

To be, or not to be: what a question!

If we’re not supposed to eat animals, how come they’re made out of meat?

Show me somebody who is always smiling, always cheerful, always optimistic, and I will show you somebody who hasn’t the faintest idea what the heck is really going on.

My penis smells like pasta. Also, I personally tested it out, and your spaghetti’s not too hot now, if you want to eat it.

A lot of the nonsense was the innocent result of playfulness on the part of the founding fathers of the nation of Dwayne Hoover and Kilgore Trout. The founders were aristocrats, and they wished to...

I could have murdered a man today, but by not doing so I saved his life, and thus became a hero to myself. I’m like that all the time. Being heroic, I mean.

America’s been ruined by one word: Bankers. No, two words: Bankers and lawyers. Make that three words. Add politicians to that list. Oh, and don’t forget the lobbyists.

You know what i can’t understand? You have all these people telling you all the time how great you are, smart and funny and talented and all that, i mean endlessly, i’ve been telling you...

I hear that all too often.

If you’re going to hit a car, try to be sure that it’s not a cop car

She tried to kill me. The problem is she did it slowly, almost invisibly, so the whole murder would take about 50 years.

Will Human Nature destroy Nature and Humans?

The propensity of Earthlings to get into trouble, and to learn thereby, was the reason my owners agreed to this mad venture – although no one expected such a chain of unusual calamities as befell...

Sometimes it feels like I’m walking around with bricks for shoes, not going anywhere.

I’ll never forget my first time with you’ Min said as she edged the doughnut off her finger. ‘The earth moved, and then my mother asked my father who he was going down on at...

We’re not retreating, we’re advancing in reverse.’ –Skulduggery Pleasant

I’ve been to 8 Mile. I condensed a half marathon into it.

If you think anyone is sane you just don’t know enough about them.

Love is about forgiveness. And since I love you, you should forgive me.

He stumbled out of his phlegmatic apathy,when she entered his life like an epiphany.

You look angry,” he said.”You put me on hold.””For a very good reason.””You put me,” she said very, very slowly, “on hold.

I run like I have cirrus clouds for legs and rainbow knees. What is life, if not a marathon of love?

Andrew Lloyd Webber’s version of the Kool-Aid jingle is at once chilling and evocative. Donny Osmond is brilliant as James Jones.

I had a dream about you. We were actors in a horror movie and I was hunting you down with a knife. When I finally cornered you the director yelled “Cut”…. What? I can’t be...

Ares sighed “What are the three words said most often in our house?” “Not tonight, Ares?” Than offered. “Funny,” Ares growled. “Cara never says that.

Cats are like mushrooms, only you’ll rarely ever hear me scream, “Get off my pizza!” to a pack of mushrooms.

In my dream, the passenger seat of my car was a toilet. I guess I was on my way to pick up a politician.

If I were you,And you were I,I would kill myself, But you would die!