It isn’t he who laughs last, but he whose laugh lasts.

Celebrate your disability at Handicapped Parking Spot Day. (Spaces are limited, so reserve your spot today.)

If you have a broken heart, I’d like to fix it. Repairs start at just $69. Special delivery charges may apply.

I can’t wait for the next time I get to put my mouth on you.” In an instant the smile faded and she snapped her teeth and yanked her head back as if she was...

Though Alec had never seen the occupants of the first floor loft, they seemed to be engaged in a tempestuous romance. Once there had been a bunch of someone’s belongings strewn all over the landing...

I like food that speaks to me. Food like French toast, English muffins, and Deviled eggs. Oh, oval embryonic spawn of chicken, why hast thou deceived me?

There’s no accounting for the opinions of old ladies. They think everyone is cute.

SpookSpeak. Agent n. The average of a double agent and no agent at all.

Cheaters never prosper. (Because they suck.)

My apartment complex isn’t. No, it’s simple. I used to think our love was simple, until Chris Hemsworth moved into your heart.

Aww, did we masturbate through the tears last night?

New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It’s not their field. It’s like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here’s what they know about: spray tans, fake...

I am the Love Camel of Llama Land. Come, hop on my hump and let me lead you to water.

The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they’ve found it.

Yes, well, that doesn’t usually happen to women in London. But it’s not so much of a scandal as it is a challenge.

Love sounds like an elephant weighs. I know, because I’ve seen it with my own two nostrils. I’ve grown fat on the scent of Helen Keller’s memory.

Damn pity. If I’d known what crimes I’d be exposed to under the guise of fashion, I may have very well stayed dead.

You’re not right in the head, and nor am I, and this is why….this is why I like you.

New Rule: The White House doesn’t have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don’t pretend we can’t take it. We’ve seen pictures of Britney Spears’s vagina getting out of a car. Television has...

I like the crunch sound of snow under my boots. Better than stepping on knuckles.

I commend my soul to any god that can find it.

How do I know you’re who you say you aren’t?

Lying flat against the tile of the kitchen floor listening to someone else have sex is essentially my early twenties in a nutshell.

The name’s David Davidson, and I am not my own son. I’m also not my own father, if you were wondering.

I don’t mind if you forget me.Having learned my lesson,I never left an impression on anyone.

Diner: Do you serve crabs here?Waiter : We serve anyine; sit down.

A one-winged bird does not fly south for the winter. It flies south, west, north, and east, over and over. That’s how I feel when I’m in love, only I walk.

As good a day to die as any.” He would defend them until his end.

If debates accomplished anything, there wouldn’t be a need for intelligence agencies.

If swimming in gold were a sport, I’d be the Michael Phelps, and my winning would lead to more winning, as my gold made more gold.

My name is Monika Ora Moniker, but you can call me MOM. Or dad will do just fine.

They said they respect me, which means, their judgment is crazy.

Ew, sicko. I was practicing Edomic.””Sure you were,” Jason said. “You’re just too embarrassed to admit you were playing hide-and-seek all alone. Rachel hiding, nobody seeking.

I’m trying to cover all my bases so I can be a complete baseball nonplayer. I’ve already not bought a bat, a glove, and a bed to sleep on.

Women are constantly trying to commit suicide for love, but generally they take care not to succeed.

Don’t try this at home. Do this at home, or do this at home not, there is no try.

I picked up a hitchhiker. Later on I picked up some common sense and soda. The soda was all-natural, like the hooker from earlier.

My dad and I aren’t close, despite the fact that he’s standing in my shadow. My love for him must make him chilly.

But there was another class of people, the real people. To this class they all belonged, and in it the great thing was to be elegant, generous, plucky, gay, to abandon oneself without a blush...

If you would not be forgotten, as soon as you are dead and rotten, either write things worth reading, or do things worth writing.

I want to name my son Justin Case. You know, just in case.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I didn’t come from a broken home – more like deliberately imploded.

All that separated our love lives was one wall, and I was peeping through it. I was wearing Tom’s nametag, so why shouldn’t I act like him?

Love says hello, and hate says goodbye. Your mom also says hello.

That Jim Crow there in the window,” answered the urchin, holding out a cent, and pointing to the gingerbread figure that had attracted his notice, as he loitered along to school; “the one that has...

Entomologists use that word ‘foul’ often when referring to the flavor of a caterpillar. They are rarely more specific than ‘foul’ or ‘tasty.’ I expect that is because they are leaving the assessment up to...

When I’m lonely I stand in the corner and play my saxophone and feel sorry for myself. I would ask you to accompany me on the piano, but if I did that I wouldn’t be...

The first rule of improvisation is AGREE. Always agree and SAY YES. When you’re improvising, this means you are required to agree with whatever your partner has created. So if we’re improvising and I say,...

When my mother passed away several years ago—well, wait a minute. Actually, she didn’t ‘pass away.’ She died. Something about that verb, ‘to pass away’ always sounds to me as if someone just drifted through...