One does not have humor. It has you.

Mr. Gary Keillor visited at the home of Al and Florence Crandall on Monday and after lunch returned to St. Paul, where he is currently employed in the radio show business… Lunch was fried chicken...

My bed’s comforter is yellow. It has to be to hide all the melted butter stains. I make love like microwave popcorn—only in half the time!

I’m very much down to earth, just not this earth.

Long hair will make thee look dreafully to thine enemies, and manly to thyfriends: it is, in peace, an ornament; in war, a strong helmet; it…deadens the leaden thump of a bullet: in winter, it...

I said the first thing that came into my head unfortunately. “Save the drama for your mama ” I told her just like an eleven-year-old.

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

It’s just that in the Deep South, women learn at a young age that when the world is falling apart around you, it’s time to take down the drapes and make a new dress.

I wasn’t particularly worried; running is overrated anyway, and sport only makes you sweaty and smug and wears out the knees.

Last night my girl and I were knocking boots, but it won’t happen tonight, because earlier today I went out and bought a doorbell.

Worry is the interest you pay on a debt you may not owe.

Gross.

Mom. I have something to tell you. I’m undead. Now, I know you may have some preconceived notions about the undead. I know you may not be comfortable with the idea of me being undead....

Love is the only gift that’s acceptable to give away as soon as you get it.

Oh, I see. As long as you didn’t kill her, kill her, then that’s okay.

We’re good for each other. You give me what I need. I give you what you need. No one needs to know what that is because it’s a secret between us. So we put on...

When I masturbate, I pump my hand so fast it’s like a hummingbird blur. But I make love like the anti-hummingbird. In fact, in bed I’m so slow with my love making it’s almost indistinguishable...

Maybe it was me,” Grandma said.”Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart?

Is this Clarissa Fray?” The voice on the other end of the phone sounded familiar, though not immediately identifiable.Clary twirled the phone cord nervously around her finger. “Yeees?””Hi, I’m one of the knife-carrying hooligans you...

I was gardening when I saw this snail/slug thing disguised as a leaf. Ah, isn’t fall a wonderful time to slowly fall in love?

Most of the upper management of I.S. were undead. I always thought it was because the job was easier if you didn’t have a soul.

I just got a new windshield. Slowly I’m going to replace my way to a new car. I make love the same way, methodically and over the course of several months.

I make love like I make sausages. And I don’t make sausages. At least not myself. I pay someone to make it for me. And sometimes I even pay for the sex that I’m paying...

Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough!

Every time you publish a book, be prepared to eat a fresh slice of humble pie.

Where’s Simon?” Clary interrupted.Isabelle wobbled. “He’s a rat,” she said darkly.Did he do something to you?” Alec was full of brotherly concern. “Did he touch you? If he tried anything-“No, Alec,” Isabelle said irritably. “Not...

If you forget your manners, you can always borrow mine. I won’t be using them.

Wait, that’s your idea? That’s your expert advice? You’re going to tell these novelists to just keep going? You’re going to tell these honest, earnest writers: You gotta have faith? Those are George Michael lyrics,...

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

I make love like a can opener. Will you be my Spaghetti O’s?

Couldn’t you just lie and tell me you have some kind of secret badass weapon that is going to make this a piece of cake?

Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you are making too much money.

You didn’t have to come after me.””Yes, I did,” he said. “You’re far too inexperienced to protect yourself in a hostile situation without me.””That’s sweet. Maybe I’ll forgive you.””Forgive me? Fro what?””Fro telling me to...

You drink wine by the glass, and I drink wine by the trashcan. Seriously, I’ll be by the trashcan if you need me.

We did something incredibly stupid today.””I know. We should never had had sex without that darn condom.””What?!

What exactly does that expression mean, ‘friends with benefits’? Does he provide her with health insurance?

I lost my virginity in the back seat of a Buick. Not because I’m a romantic, but because my grandpa and grandma were in the front seats.

A man who discovers his pants are on fire tends to have very little time to worry about somebody else’s box of matches

It’s part of the marriage vows. Didn’t you read the fine print? To have and to harass.

An eternity of wishing to speak directly to my Creator – I thought in despair – and this is how He finally contacts me? Through AOL Instant Messenger?

I bought an empty safe, and I keep it empty, because safety doesn’t exist, so my safes are full of their potential.

I do not believe in God. Instead I believe in the power of Family. And occasionally, when I’m feeling optimistic, in free will. But blood is a force to be reckoned with. God for example,...

Busy’ is another word for ‘asshole’. ‘Asshole’ is another word for the guy you’re dating.

Love is the only wound that feels good and is both self-inflicted and caused by others. I should sell emotional Band-Aids.

I’m back… and you knew I was coming. On my way here I passed a cinema with the sign ‘The Mummy Returns’.

When you feel like throwing rocks, make sure they’re ones no one can throw back.

New Rule: There’s only one thing to say about the Christian Film and Television Commission giving me the Bigoted Bile Award and naming Religulous the number-one Most Unbearable Movie of 2008: Thank you! You hate...

Also retains value longer.”Knowing the sexual perversity about to transpire, I couldn’t reconcile that I was suddenly in an episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Granted, I didn’t know from normal pre–group sex discussion topics,...

If a tree falls in the forest and kills your ex-wife, what do you do with the lumber?

Seeking a woman who looks like a feminized version of L. Ron Hubbard to help me decode intergalactic messages that I might receive on my Alien Communication Helmet. And after we receive and decode the...