We men are fascinated by the things we don’t really understand. It gives us something to think and talk about: like females, they drive us nuts.

Remember, our kind protects you Normals from the Pures. We are the rope tied between man and super-beast. A rope forever dangling from the precipice. I tap Zetania’s shoulder and ask, “What’s a precipice?” “A...

Get your associates as fast as you can and then get a bachelors.””I don’t want that. I want to work in TV.””Trust me, Laura. You’d be happier if you were an accountant.

I’m a Christian first, and a mean-spirited, bigoted conservative second, and don’t you ever forget it. You know who else was kind of “divisive” in terms of challenging the status quo and the powers-that-be of...

How could I not love you when you’re so clearly made for me?

God, you’re sexy when you talk Psy.

I was rubbing the pieces of bacon like they were strands of a lover’s hair. Of course they weren’t, because all my exes had hair like scrambled eggs.

A blanket can be a meditation device. If the blanket is white, and you stare at it, you can blank out your mind and find peace within yourself.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.

…It was like he waved his magic wang, and I totally forgot how I’m not a gullible teenager anymore.

One of these days, I would doubt the Gardeners a little too much and Zach was going to play handball with my head.

Do you mean walk around? Because that’s what I actually did. I usually crouch more when I sneak — and then I kill someone.

You’ve always said I should have an inquiring mind,” she said. “I have. But not an interrupting one.

Schrödinger’s cat was a Siamese cat, must have been, because if it’s at once alive and dead, it’s a zombie, and the only zombie cats are Siamese cats.

Hmm…now that I think about it, housecats are often coddled and petted. You don’t pet me nearly enough. You must be a lax owner. How selfish of you to deprive your cat of attention.

It was also time to elect the president and VP of the OASIS User Council, but that was a no-brainer. Like most gunters, I voted to reelect Cory Doctorow and Wil Wheaton (again). There were...

Do not fall in love…..it means you have to look at someone else.

At my place I can really tell when winter has come.. It’s when sunlight is pathetically crawling in my courtyard, incapable of reaching my window anymore.

A car’s gas tank should be see-through, so I don’t have to rely on a possibly faulty gauge to tell me it’s approaching empty. The human heart should also be see-through, so I can tell...

I don’t believe I’ve ever ingested anything quite so ancient,” Gareth murmured.

I don’t know where my ideas come from. I will admit, however, that one key ingredient is caffeine. I get a couple cups of coffee into me and weird things just start to happen.

Not an hors d’oeuvre. The dessert. And I plan to spoil my appetite.

Trust is not hoping your partner will love you; it is KNOWING that they DO.

Even though I was fairly certain God wasn’t Ted Bundy, I kept an open mind, since this phone call was getting a bit confusing.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Her name was Melody, and she was like a song. A song on mute—because she was mute. Music to my heart.

I’m taking a quick shower. I’m gross. I need to be clean.” “You shouldn’t be doing that.” The door handle jingled. It wasn’t locked. “Alex!””I’m naked,” I warned. Silence and then, “Is that supposed to...

Last night I stayed up late talking about tomorrow, and today I regret it because I was way off (by about 24 hours).

Who, last time I’d checked, was still on our official archenemy list. (Yes, we have to keep a list. It’s kind of sad.)

I’m seriously laughing

It kills me. The way he trusted. LIke the way we trusted before they came and blue the whole goddamned world apart. Trusted that when it got dark there would be light. Trusted that when...

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

With the money I spend on alcohol, I could support a family of four, assuming they are all heavy drinkers.

Trav smiled his sweetest, most charming smile. “Of course I’ll play your husband on TV.”Daisy blew out a breath of relief. “Great! Thank you. I knew you’d understand.”She reached for the ignition to shut off...

Driving is better than walking, because hitting is better than being hit.

A brick could be renamed something clever and cute, like President, and repackaged and resold to a solid base of sheep consumers every four years. The sheeple will never even notice that every new model...

pg. 231-232: They’d given me a minivan. They could have picked any car and they picked a minivan. A minivan. O God of the Vehicular Justice, why dost thou mock me? Minivan, you albatross around...

Crap, are you thinking what I’m thinking?””I’m thinking we have about fifteen vampires and no blood,” Claire said. “Is that it?””No, I was thinking we’re out of chips. Of course that’s what I was thinking.

As my father always used to tell me, ‘You see, son, there’s always someone in the world worse off than you.’ And I always used to think, ‘So?

Sometimes I feel like I’m living in my father’s shadow. But then he takes a few steps, or bends down to stretch his back, and I get to enjoy the sunlight for a few moments.

When given the chance to see China off the beaten track, definitely take it.

I want him to kiss my ass in Macy’s window at high noon and tell me it smells like roses.

A brick could be used as a PRA, or Person Replacement Apparatus. Just give the brick a name, start talking to it, and before you know it you’ve got a friend for life. Say, do...

I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble.

Here,” Myrnin said, his voice still gentle and low. “Amelie said you had to work. No one said you had to work alone.” He picked up the next part and slotted it in, took the...

But I think I scraped off most of the burned part,” she would add, overlooking that this included every bit of it that had once been flesh. Happily, all this suited my father. His palate...

All the Debbies in the world are too big to be little. Makes me wish I were just two inches taller, you know? I blame my dad—or the mailman. Not sure yet. I get the...

Labor is a man crowning glory.””Not this man’s.””I quote Marx”I raised my hands. The pickaxe handle had been rough.”I quote blisters.

I had no idea he thought he was funny, tried to be funny, or actually is funny until he made me laugh so hard I peed all over his feet at the urinal.

A brick could be used to make the world safer for our children. Well, not our children, as I don’t actually have any kids—but certainly your children. Skeptical? A brick could better protect your children...