Love is a trampoline of the heart. It has its up, it has its downs, and I’m selling mine for $100.00—only been jumped on once.

Don’t you make fun of me or my children! Some babies are premature. Mine were all postmature. That’s why they’re so smart. Their brains had longer to develop.

So if I speak to you, Tutor Olana, will you get the lashes?

I’d rather have 100% of 5 than 50% of 10—especially with love.

My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

Yes, they do that,” said Dumbledore.

Time flies when you grow fangs and fur.

I’m sorry. It’s just that you’re the last person in the world I’d ever imagine marrying again after ol’ Mr. Flaccid Flagpole.

You look as scary as a buttered muffin.

As an aspiring fashion designer, and lover of human anatomy, I always wonder why nipples don’t appear on the outside of shirts.

I know all about insanity. It’s not that bad once you beat up everyone who teases you about it.

If a man can’t love you for who you are, he’s not worth The Dior Gloss.

Merlin’s beard.

I was going to say.”— Krysta and Étienne

Are you an idiot, or an idiot?’ Gargarin hissed.’The first one. I really resent being called the second.

The Emperor Napoleon Buonaparte had been banished to the island of Elba. However His Imperial Majesty had some doubts wheter a quiet island life would suit him – he was, after all, accustomed to governing...

The bottom of a cup of coffee is not as good as the bottom of her body—which is actually in the middle of her body.

Typical Xochi, leaving out important, death-related details.

I love hearing my relations abused. It is the only thing that makes me put up with them at all. Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven’t got the remotest knowledge of...

Get it, Harry? We saw Uranus — ha ha ha —

Imagine there is a balloon tied to a severed human hand. As it floats into the sky it flaps in the breeze, and whether you perceive it to be waving hello or goodbye determines whether...

Hi, you’ve reached Caitlin! I’m either on the other line or I’m purposely ignoring you. Or maybe Mrs. Mitchell confiscated my phone for texting in class again… Leave a message and if I deem you...

Emblematic of this era was the prolific Viennese surgeon Theodor Billroth. Born in 1821, Billroth studied music and surgery with almost equal verve. (The professions still often go hand in hand. Both push manual skill...

A brick could be used to decorate a house. And not just one brick, thousands could be stacked and affixed together and really make your house not only feel like a home, but less drafty...

I am patriotic. When the Pledge of Allegiance is going on, I solemnly place my right hand over my genitals.

A dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest.

That was horrible. Horrible. That poor little guy.”Pex was unrepentant. “Yeah, well, he asked for it. Calling us … all those things.”But—buried alive! That’s like in that horror movie. Y’know — the one with all...

There’s a marked difference between Mark Ed and Ed Mark. Same as the difference between making love and loving make—and I do both, for a very reasonable price.

I’m forever near a stereo saying, ‘What the fuck is this garbage?’ And the answer is always the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

ESPE: So, in both conversations, Lama Sangyay steers you away from thinking directly about Epifanio or your relationship (or lack thereof) and right into the nature of your mind. So masterful.CLARA: Isn’t he? I hate...

A brick could be used to tell how hard the wind is blowing. If the wind blows the brick around, I’d get out of there immediately.

A writer must be a lifelong reader to be good. And if you want to be a great writer, I’d suggest trying to live a long life by reading the ingredients of the foods you...

My asset looked more dead than alive – which, given that he was dead, lent the scene a certain credibility. – [context classified]

Are you grinning, Artemis? For some reason I get the feeling that you’re wearing that smug smile of yours.

Clouds are high flying Fog

If you’re stuck in the past, you go forward in reverse

Look at me. I am insecure. I need your reaction to what I am doing, but you’re not cool enough to be my friend. Therefore, I will just pray you see this because the approval...

I don’t care who you hang out with, so long as it’s either me or my clones. See, I’m not a jealous type.

A key sociological factor underlying the prevalence of zombies as a theme in modern culture is that zombie movies are cheap as hell to make.

By the time she had interpreted Harry’s dreams at the top of her voice (all of which, even the ones that involved eating porridge, apparently foretold a gruesome and early death), he was feeling much...

I invented a Love Machine. You should buy two, one as a backup—or to run both simultaneously while you masturbate.

Don’t be so hard on yourself….that’s what a loofah’s for

Are we not all actors playing parts in another person’s play?

I could either buy one missile, or 88,000 cups of coffee. Both would wake me up, but the coffee would also wake up North Korea. I’ll go with the coffee.

The USPS is the only place in the world where you will find a black guy, a white guy, and a hispanic guy playing Filipino poker! And we love it that way!

If I were you, I’d clear those cobwebs out because there isn’t a shop-vac out there strong enough to handle that job.

Obviousism—I would give you a definition, but the definition would only be an example of the word.

You’re like a tornado of bullshit right now. We’ll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else’s house.

Where is Polonius?- In heaven; send hither to see: if your messenger find him not there, seek him i’ the other place yourself.