I know what ails you.

PIGEON MY ARSE!

Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers.

There’s only one way you can appreciate me in the bedroom—call my wife and get permission for me.

…Though drowned was just as dead as any other way of dying.

Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face.

The culture without children is forever immature, self-obsessed and rightous. They cannot help the high opinion they have of themselves; there’s no kids around to show them otherwise.

I mean, I can understand not being as pricey as Percy or Jason, maybe… but am I worth, like, two Franks, or three Franks?

Right. I can see it now. Merry Christmas, everybody! And by the way, did I tell you I’m a vampire? No need to pass the gravy, just bare your neck-

18 rules for not getting caught. 1-17: don’t tell anybody. #18: not even your clone.

We made love like two meows having their tails stepped on. There were three of us there, and I’ve always wondered: Who were those two other people?

Finally- no more ruddy show for the folks back home. No pretending it’s all beer and skittles and no one ever gets hurt.- Phoenix and Ashes

Love does not cost anything. Kind words and deeds do not cost anything. The real beauty of the world is equal for everyone to see. It was given by God equally to all, without restrictions....

If love were a color, it would be green. At least for me. But her love is blue, and she’s too cool to see that my envy is just amped up jealousness, and a display...

In the old legends, Arachne had gotten into trouble because of pride. She’d bragged about her tapestries being better than Athena’s, which had led to Mount Olympus’s first reality TV punishment program: ‘So You Think...

For desert, maybe we can split a couple of crumbs.

I can’t tell you how much I love kissing ass. Especially wealthy, cellulose-stippled ass. But I’ll smile as big as a personified yellow circle and assure the hiring manager that I was born to serve....

Love has a glow, like a neon light having sex with a pack of hi-lighters, only not quite as quaint.

[Jo to her mother] I knew there was mischief brewing. I felt it and now it’s worse than I imagined. I just wish I could marry Meg myself, and keep her safe in the family.

Disco’s are tricky. You look a total wally if you dance too early but after one crucial song tips the disco over, you look a sad saddo if you don’t.

So many trees, so few chimneys.

The bonds of friendship dwindle with age, Oliver. But a little blackmail lasts forever.

A gun. I had been brought down by a gun. It was practically comical. Cheaters, I thought.

As much as I want to make love to you, I’d rather make love to your clone.

I like make-up sex. My imagination is so much more powerful than reality that it’s just better when I make it up.

Boo: “Go talk to her.”Callum: “About what?”Boo: “Anything.”Callum: “You want me to walk up to her and say, ‘Are you a ghost?'”Boo: “I do that.”Callum: “I love it when you get it wrong.

it’s as if the universe has a sense of humor, since at a deep level it’s impossible not to lead a spiritual life…the universe is living through you at this moment. with or without belief...

When congratulations are in order, I like to wait until they’re out of order to offer a high five or enthusiastic pat on the back.

I really hate it when people want to kill me. It makes me think they don’t want to be friends. – Raven from Blood of Prey

You did not just say that. I have a feeling we’re on the verge of hugging and coming up with cute nicknames for each other.

Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who’s Mildred? How the heck should I know? I don’t eat breakfast.

A demonic reaper asked to be my valentine and then killed his crazy ex-girlfriend to save my life. Tomorrow I was starting up antipsychotic meds.

Oh, I`m sure Tristin will do it” She said casually as she hung the dress back on the hanger. I stared at her in confusion. “Surely he knows how to put a condom.” The visual...

This is the day the Lord has made, suck it up and rejoice.

To maximize love, I try to emulate an omelet. And I’m not just saying that to sound romantic.

Fate was a bitch, but she always had a wicked sense of humor. Today, he was her punch line. Tomorrow, she’d be laughing at them.-Darling’s thoughts

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I had a hot date last night. Things were going well so I took her back to her house, dropped her off, and went home to masturbate.

I sell sex by the coffee cup. I don’t go by small, medium, or large, I go by deep, deeper, and deepest.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course

Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus...

A mirror is like my own personal reality TV show—where I’m both the star and only viewer. I’ve got to get my ratings up.

Buttercup’s mother whirled on him. ‘Did you forget to pay your taxes?’ (This was after taxes. But everything is after taxes. Taxes were here even before stew.)

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

12 million Gertrudes agree—their name isn’t Gertrude. I know, because I asked them out to coffee, and only one responded. She said yes to coffee—and no to me.

She gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book of baby names.

Like every other creature on the face of the earth, Godfrey was, by birthright, a stupendous badass, albeit in the somewhat narrow technical sense that he could trace his ancestry back up a long line...

Weirdism is definitely the cornerstone of many an artist’s career.

I have a container full of yelling I keep in my kitchen. It makes a great cleaning product, as it’s wonderfully abrasive.

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.