Agatha’s older than I was when I was her age.

I’m here for the gangbang, and I brought the cream cheese. Has the political convention already started?

The mind is a complex and many-layered thing, Potter… or at least, most minds are…

I had a standing agreement with god. I’d agree to believe in him, barely, so long as he let me sleep in on Sundays.

I decide that we could always indulge ourselves later. First, I had a soul-eating stone of power to poke with a stick.

I morphed from a fly to a flower to a butterfly, which is like a combination flower and fly. I thought I was in love, but I was merely asleep.

My friend, coworker, and neighbor didn’t have a way to get to work, so he asked me for a ride. I told him he should just not show up, stay home, and collect unemployment for...

They heard the click of the mail slot and flop of letters on the doormat. “Get the mail, Dudley,” said Uncle Vernon from behind his paper. “Make Harry get it.””Get the mail, Harry.””Make Dudley get...

Hermits have no peer pressure.

your loved one” I think it’s quite stupid. I hate this commercialism. It’s all artificial, and has nothing to do with real love.

She said she loved me, and I believed her, because she was looking directly at another man when she said it.

I decided to masturbate with shampoo instead of conditioner today. Because yolo. Things Jesus never said.

Would you like a cough drop Dolores?

I’m a student of life. My own. So I’m also my own teacher.

Of all the consumer products, chewing gum is perhaps the most ridiculous: it literally has no nourishment – you just chew it to give yourself something to do with your stupid idiot Western mouth.Half the...

People are sheep. TV is the shepherd.

You always want to get a head in the game,” Raven added.

I needed to take her to a concert, or maybe invite her out to go stencil street art in the middle of the night. Except I hadn’t done that since middle school. And I’m not...

Yes, I’m shallow, I don’t mind admitting it. Perhaps I should admit that there’s no end to the depths of my shallowness.

Love is the throbbing that keeps you awake at night. Or is that simply from taking too much Viagra?

I have never been reduced to begging somebody to leave me alone, but in your case I’ll make an exception.

You can’t lead when you have not been loaded with the skills of immagination.

Stop a drunk driver and you stop a murderer—even if he hasn’t killed anyone yet. In all the alternate universes, the odds are he’s already killed—and will kill again.

She told me to draw the curtains shut, so I grabbed my pencil and began to sketch.

Foaly: Anyone see you come in here? Holly: The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, MI6. Oh, and the EIB. Foaly: The EIB? Holly: (smirking) Everyone in the building.

Life doesn’t make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy’s job is to point out that it doesn’t make sense, and that it doesn’t make much difference anyway.

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?

I am yet to meet the idiot at whose door success arrived as a direct result of his refusal to invest in the enterprise that made him rich.

We made love, we drank coffee, and then we went our separate ways. I went west, and she went to hell. Or at least I hope she did.

Making art can be a mystical, spiritual experience. Sort of like golfing on water, which I haven’t done, because I’m more Michael Phelps and less Michael Phelps.

Show, don’t tell.” Thanks for nothing, Mr. Cryptic.

Coffee has a way of falling into my cup the way love does not. I’m so tired of being a lone sip when I should be a chug.

No, sir. Trust me when I say, it was an accident and won’t be happening again for as long as I live my life as a single person. Such activities are best left to those...

When there’s a monster under your bed sometimes it really is best not to look.

Pardon me Mam,I’m new in town, could you please show me the way to your house?

With the suggestion of a compromise Gawaine mustered up enough courage to speak.”What will you do if I surrender?” he asked.”Why, I’ll eat you,” said the dragon.”And if I don’t surrender?””I’ll eat you just the...

maybe somebody finally shot the dog.

She had not made a decision to give up sex, only the clamor of romance, because it was exhausting her, doing her no good and too much harm…

Wizard’s work was a pleasure and a madness. No wonder the university magicians rambled at times like daft bastards.

When your past shows up to haunt you, make sure it comes after supper so it doesn’t ruin your whole day.

I’m going to make love to you, Lanie. I’m not your first, but I will be the last.

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds...

The other raised his club and attacked L, who inexpliciably fell over on his back like an overturned frog.

You? What about me?

I had a dream about you. You started following me on Twitter, and then you started following me around town. I wouldn’t mind so much of you would start throwing your hashtags away, rather than...

A brick could be used to build a house—or destroy it, one window at a time.

I had a dream about you. It was New Year’s Eve. I remember because we celebrated my birthday on March 5th. You gave me a gift, and we argued over whether it was late or...

Homeowners’ Association: the means whereby people who own homes are able to transfer their rights to the neighborhood control freaks.

Die in a good way, obviously.

I had a dream about you. You were learning to compose music like Mozart, and I was learning to listen like Beethoven. He was deaf, and you were blind to the fact that you had...