I decided to write this piece because my internal critic told me to write it. At least I think he told me to write it. You see, he only speaks French, and I don’t speak...

All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.

By stripping it of natural moisturizers, ethnic cleansers leave your ethnicity dry, wrinkled and flaky.

I love you—but not now. I mean don’t bother me now, not that I don’t love you now. Also, now for me isn’t now for you, as my watch is five minutes fast, and that’s...

I used to be into ‘forbidden fruit’, but I’ve moved on to‘verboten vegetables

A brick can be neither good nor bad. A brick just is. And it isn’t, because I just stole it from you, which is good for me, and bad for you.

You can’t keep bitch-slapping your creativity, or it’ll run away and find a new pimp.

There’s no such thing as free kittens.

The TSA confused a bottle of perfume with a hand grenade. Talk about an embarrassing mistake – everybody knows perfume is far more lethal.

I thought she wanted out. We should’ve brought cuffs and a gag.” Clare frowned. “What’s wrong with you, Blake? This is a rescue mission, not a kidnapping.

I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they’re walking on

A brick could be used to assuage your sense that life isn’t real. Hold it in your hands and say, This is not a dream.

Like plumbing, medicine is a profession where you learn early on not to put your fingers in your mouth.

Nightmares did come true. Because, after her second night of major loving with the man of her dreams, the absolute last person she ever wanted to see was her mother. Yet there she was, her...

Be levelheaded, that your head be not leveled.

I worked for one day, and left with two days in my back pocket. I couldn’t stuff them in my crotch, because my erection took up all my pants and half the kitchen.

When it comes to exacting revenge, it gets harder and harder to top yourself each successive time

A brick could be pet, like a dog, and taught to shit in my neighbor’s yard.

I’d say my writing voice is original, and I don’t think you’ll find another quite like it. This makes me sad, because when all my clones arrive sometime in the future, their only hope is...

Regardless of what others may tell you, you only need two Mexican-Americans for a Mexican standoff.

When preserving for posterity, use ¾ cup of sugar for each cup of item preserved, seal tightly, and store in a dry, dark place.

The US has the highest incarceration rate in the world. I don’t want to release the prisoners—I want to lease them. If they’re not going to work, they might as well not work for me.

You’re not shooting the cat. It would leave a mess.

If it weren’t for greed, intolerance, hate, passion and murder, you would have no works of art, no great buildings, no medical science, no Mozart, no Van Gough, no Muppets and no Louis Armstrong.

The best time to complain is right after you’ve come up with a solution to the problem. Pose the questions, present the answers, and then pose nude while the people make statues out of you...

I wonder if a fish’sOne and only wish isThat other fish will never say,”This fish is sure delicious!

His eyes burned with intensity. I wondered briefly if someonehe knew was being held in that cold room that smelled like death. Someone he loved?

Lord of the Muck.

Uncle Sam’s not related to me. He’s stuck his dick in the American Pie too many times to be welcome at my family picnics.

On Knowledge: You know that I know you know, but I want you to know that I know you know I know you know I know. It’s important for you to know that, you know?

I have read of a gentleman who owned a so fine house in London, and when he went for months of summer to Switzerland and lock up his house, some burglar came and broke window...

Helloooo? I just made some changes in my life, and if I don’t get back to you as soon as possible, then guess what? You were one of those changes.

Though my skull is the size of a soup bowl, everything in the universe—and more—can fit inside my imagination. And guess what? My imagination tastes like chicken noodle soup.

I tried not to laugh. I thought about how my Southern Baptist friends would respond to the suggestion that their entire denomination was making people gay.

If anybody ever tells me to face them like a man, I’ll get offended, because my face can’t grow a beard.

Nobody can make you feel ignorant but you—the you from before, the one who skipped school and slept in class. By you, of course, I mean me.

The last time I wore an animal hide; but this time I settled for this.” Eric had been wearing a long trench coat. Now he threw it off dramatically, and I could only stand and...

To not wear anything, and to wear nothing, are not the same.

Reggie, you wrapped your sports car around a telephone pole after drinking a bar.” “Yeah… But I was wearing my seatbelt.

I am human and I need to be loved,just like everybody else does.

Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don’t be passive, be proactive. Do not let them direct your interaction on their terms, do it on...

If somebody pushed you down a well, I’d rush over and toss you a bucket, because I’m fucking thirsty.

People often ask me where I stand politically. It’s not that I disagree with Bush’s economic policy or his foreign policy, it’s that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy...

Dog spelled backwards is God. NOC spelled backwards is NOC.

I have to go. I have a finite amount of life left and I don’t want to spend it arguing with you.

Not entirely fair?” His voice became that of the inferno: a rushing, booming howl of icy evil that flew around the great cavern, as swift and cold as the Wendigo on skates. “I am Satan,...

Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that.

In 1803, President Jefferson oversaw the purchase of this land from the French for $15 million. It doesn’t sound like much for an area three times the size of France itself but given that they’d...

Today I am amused, and I haven’t seen anyone yet.

Never tell a warm-up joke before giving an intelligence briefing – just start the briefing so you can get straight to the really big laughs.