Gran follows recipes by looking at picture—to the eye, delicious; to the tongue, boiled socks. Makes you wanna cry really.

His manhood sways briefly, then comes to a standstill.

I think you learn more if you’re laughing at the same time.

Robots don’t make better lovers, but Roberts do.

Si la cursilería fuera un pecado, yo cada noche me ganaría el infierno.

You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how much it resembles a UFO, or what kind of weapon you’d use to...

Jersey Shore has killed more brain cells than alcohol, cocaine, and meth combined.

When I write, it feels like there are two little creatures that sit on each of my shoulders. One whispers, “You can do this. You’ve got what it takes.” The other sounds like my mother-in-law.

I know a lot about birds and bees, but I don’t know very much about the birds and the bees. Everything I do know I had to teach myself on the Internet, because I don’t...

Your kids pissing you off is an inborn instinct. It’s nature’s way of getting you to kick them out when they turn 18!Okaaay. ~sigh~ Due to the times, you can kick them out between the...

She forgot: it was as simple as that. She just loved being with the guy. Possibly enough that not even their own wedding could screw it up.

When you’re corked…you’re corked!

One moment I was sitting in your ship feeling very depressed, and the next moment I was standing here feeling utterly miserable. An Improbability Field I expect.

Focus. She’s Maddie. Your friend. Would you eyeball Keith or Dane’s butt like that? ~ Zach

Perdida ya toda esperanza de alcanzar una vida mejor en este mundo, la gente fue depositando cada vez más sus esperanzas en la vida del más allá, y la idea de obtener recompensas en el...

…I doubt very seriously whether anyone will hire me.’What do you mean, babe? You a fine boy with a good education.’Employers sense in me a denial of their values.’ He rolled over onto his back....

Any conversation including the mention of Roald Dahl, Ray Bradbury, or Emily Dickinson is one worth getting into or at least eavesdropping.

You’d be surprised how many people in the modern age no longer fear zombies as much as teletubies.

Clones: Why should you take the blame for your mistakes when there’s a genetic replica of yourself that’d make a perfectly good scapegoat?

Love is a four-letter word, like frog, only with more kissing and less princing.

Surely this marked a new level of achievement in his amatory career. Never before had he charmed the frock off a woman with talk of mathematics. Never before would he have thought to try.

Nonsense! I have merely come to terms with the fact that I am perfect, and I have decided life must go on, and I must learn to live with myself…

I have never voted in my life… I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it’s certain they will win.

My cat stood still like a furry statue. I wanted to go pet it, but I ended up petting a painting instead. Ah, but that’s life, no?

Don’t think about it. Don’t think about what could have been. It’s too unbearable.

I buried the lasagna, because it was better than disposing of a dead body. I’ve been burned in a relationship, but never in an oven. I’ll try harder.

I had a dream about you. I said green was blue and yellow, and you said green was yellow and blue. You were like that with everything I said, taking the exact opposite stance, yet...

Laughter isn’t a sign of insanity but a shield against it.

You can’t jump for the stars if your feet hurt. And when you get where you’re going, you darn well better look great!

When the world has once begun to use us ill, it afterwards continues the same treatment with less scruple or ceremony, as men do to a whore.

I am the Fruit Basket of Love. You should do a painting of how I feel.

I asked you to marry me – and you laughed. You thought I was joking. In fairness, I was still dressed as a Cavalier.

I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?

The ocean waves were choppy. Good thing I know karate and was able to fight back.

(on the word “fuck”)’Oh, come on, Mum,’ I sighed at her protest. ‘It’s just an old Anglo-Saxon word for the female organ which has been adopted by an inherently misogynist language as a negative epithet....

It’s nice to have a station pet. Wish it wasn’t trapped in a hovering prison in the men’s bathroom, but listen: no pet is perfect. It becomes perfect when you learn to accept it for...

When value of your words gets lower its time to stay quite and improve your self

So crosses don’t do anything against your kind?” Sean asked.”No,” Arland said. “There is no mystical force repelling us.””Then why?””We’re forbidden to kill a creature in a moment of prayer or invocation of their deity....

It was only when the giant got halfway down the incline that he suddenly, happily, burst into flame and continued his trip saying, “NO SURVIVORS, NO SURVIVORS!” in a manner that could only indicate deadly...

I’d rather count to one billion, than waste my time thinking I could count on you.

The idea of a blind date scares me. But a deaf date would be great.

Kei: Is there anything else you need while I’m here, Your Highness?Cabot: No, but you can leave the sarcasm in there.

I had a dream about you. We were ice fishing in my freezer. I caught a few cold beers, and you wondered if we should drink them, or throw them back because they were babies.

…the Statue of Liberty’s got this invitation: ‘Give me your tired, your poor, your reeking homeless–”Huddled masses,’ said Ira. ‘Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.’…Okay, fine. So like...

I had a dream about you. I had superhuman strength, not unlike I possess when I’m awake, and you wanted me to enter and win the World’s Strongest Man competition. I told you my super...

The only working model of socialism I have ever seen is in an elementary school classroom.

Drinks heavily loaded with ice are reasonably effective, but the best way to cool down is to cuddle with a recently deceased person.

She called it a slap, but I called it a high-five to my face. Love is so encouraging!

Why do I have to do the sewin’? ‘Cause I’m a girl? Is that it? It ain’t fair, I tell ya!

Theatres are curious places, magician’s trick-boxes where the golden memories of dramtic triumphs linger like nostalgic ghosts, and where the unexplainable, the fantastic, the tragic, the comic and the absurd are routine occurences on and...