I’m for a big government. A big government contraction.

I’m gonna be percy Jackson when I grow up,” she told Hazel solemnly.Hazel Smiled and ruffled her hair. “That’s a good thing to be, Julia.””Although,” Frank said. “Frank Zhang would be good too.

No I’m not.

What the government makes to make money is money. They make money by making money—literally printing it. While the private sector has to make money the hard way—by producing a good or service that others...

I’m being ironic. Don’t interrupt a man in the midst of being ironic, it’s not polite. There!

Like the ocean I wave. Hello and goodbye are the same, when I talk with my hand.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

I’m not gentlemanly. When I’m gentle, I’m not manly, and when I’m manly, I’m not gentle.

I think computer viruses should count as life … I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We’ve created life in...

In order to grow, I promise you’ll have to let go of some habits. 10 times out of 10, they’ll be the habits you’re most in love with.

The world is drowning in weirdness and lies……and here we are, so used to it that we’re actually bored!

I think I just blew my own mind.

He had sky eyes and sun hair and all the women loved him. And all I had was an empty coffee cup, full of sleepy hope.

In what way did your parents screw up to make you the woman you are today?

But that was what research and development were like. Full of semi-triumphs and perplexing unforeseen consequences like the whole violent hiccuping thing when conjuring up fire – or the propensity for fillings to fall out...

The F word turns me on, she whispered. The F word?FoodHe threw back his head and laughed. It rumbled up out of his chest and felt so good it startled him. For the first time...

Folks, it’s time to evolve. That’s why we’re troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything’s failing? It’s because, um – they’re no longer relevant. We’re supposed to keep...

Capitalist cycle of profit. The rancher sells a cow for profit. The butcher sells cuts for profit. The restaurant sells meals for profit. And the patrons spend money for profit.

Woman troubles, heartbreak, Twilight ending? Whatever bugs your mind.”-Jared

I need your compliments to feed my ego, because it’s bored of mac and cheese. And honestly, so am I.

For me, adoption was grief in reverse.

The French have a new president, the British will soon have a new P.M., and we envy them as we endure the endless wait for this small dim man to go back to Texas and...

Not another word, not another thought, not another sniffle. If you need to pass gas, I pray you’ll clench your backside and keep walking until we are certainly alone.

I’m two quarters the way to having 50 cents. That’s right, I have one quarter. But I’m also one quarter in love, and I feel rich!

I hate reality but it’s still the best place to get a good steak.

If you’re from a town called Away, when you’re home, you’re Away. But when you’re away, you’re not home.

You’re only as old as you feel.

Needy people are like newborns, I have come to realize. One intoxicated night and BAM! You are stuck with this problem. You finally take it home and it wants to keep you up all night...

Although initially only few in numbers, it seems my gray hairs have launched an effective peer-pressure campaign intended to convert the others.

My ship came in,then it sank!

It is quite futile to argue that man is small compared to the cosmos; for man was always small compared to the nearest tree.

The Little Boy and the Old ManSaid the little boy, “Sometimes I drop my spoon.”Said the old man, “I do that too.”The little boy whispered, “I wet my pants.”I do that too,” laughed the little...

I love you like bananas—bunches. Monkeys also love bananas. I’m growing a tree in honor of honor, and I think we should hang out.

I mean, I am totally not one of those prudes who believe having sex as a teenager is some kind of mortal sin or social death. I don’t have a problem with sex. I just...

It’s the same with cell phones. I never answer them up to my ear. I always put it on speakerphone and hold it six to eight inches away from my brain. Here’s an example of...

You’re thinking I’m one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I’m not. I say its a free country...

I guess it’s true what they say,” observed Jace. “There are no straight men in the trenches.””That’s atheists, jackass,” said Simon furiously. “There are no atheists in the trenches.

More often than not, if a person is wearing a smile, there is a victim attached somewhere.

Schizophrenia. And I’m still having it.”

She wasn’t much for words, but she told me she loved me in other ways, like showing me her main superpower—invisibility. I often wouldn’t see her for weeks straight, and for her to show me...

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Two guys, a man and a beast, were walking underwater, when two goats began fishing for political votes. That’s when I fell in love, when I saw how serious it all was.

At least I rescued your poor hot dog.

Take off your shirt.”Jace raised his eyebrows. “I’m not going to attack you,” she said impatiently. “I can take the sight of your naked chest without swooning.””Are you sure?” he asked, obediently sliding the shirt...

Love in a box. It’s a gift—for both of us, from both of us.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

A brick could be tied to a cape, and then exalted as a superhero. Is that any more absurd than Superman?

If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.

Like take you home and fuck you up, down, and sideways,” heanswered, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

I’m Crusty,” he said, with a tartar-yellow smile.I resisted the urge to say, Yes, you are.