Forgive me….I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel.

How to grow up slowly and secretly, not all at once like lunch in a condom, that is the essence of politics. But I don’t vote for dicks.

It’s a very remarkable story.””Remarkable’s a well-chosen word. It doesn’t give you away.

Yeah! Bring it on lake!” -Coach Gleeson Hedge

A brick could be used to float a good idea at work—especially if it’s a good idea that would be bad for you personally.

In complete silence you can’t hear a thing. Just ask a deaf person—but ask them with your fingers.

I’d much rather a monkey throws a blanket instead of a brick.

I say eek to Zeke Ekez, the imaginary palindrome politician of my dreams. He looks like me, talks like me, and thinks like me, but I won’t vote for him, because I always vote for...

I invited a few people to help celebrate your birthday,” Cameron said sheepishly. She threw up her hands. “Surprise.””We sort of come with the package,” Collin explained. “Think of it as a collective gift from...

I didn’t want to be DRUNK. IN. PUBLIC. I wanted to be drunk in a BAR. I was THROWN. into. public.

A brick could be used to better improve relations with your relatives. But if you’re going to play quarterback, you’d better be ready to play receiver.

Don’t put the hat in hate and then wear it around with pride. Wear your love like socks for gloves, and let the world know you’re serious.

The ocean swells around us. Sometimes, we are in a bowl of water and sometimes on the top of the lip. The horizon curves.We are sitting on top of the world.In theory, anyone is on...

I hate when a manager falls in love with an employee. Well, if she won’t date me, I just won’t put her on the schedule. If she won’t give me the time of day, I...

I don’t mind hot and spicy. Actually find that appealing in a girl. And chicken wings.

EVERYTHING NOT FORBIDDEN IS COMPULSORY

A brick could be used to not be used. Is my hair waving in the wind, or are your eyes twitching?

The only reason I didn’t feel like a complete fool was because the failure left me feeling incomplete.

You would not enjoy Nietzsche, sir. He is fundamentally unsound.

REFUSALWhen you refuseto tell your weightand age,people knowyou’re fat and old.

It’s like smoking compost through a raccoon.

A boy who once wiped his ass with poison ivy probably doesn’t belong in a smart people’s club.

He swallowed his food this time and actually spoke instead of humphing,

How is it that little children are so intelligent and men so stupid? It must be education that does it

Boyhood, like measles, is one of those complaints which a man should catch young and have done with, for when it comes in middle life it is apt to be serious.

When I help you, I feel good, you feel good, and the videographer I hired to document my generosity, altruism, and all around awesomeness feels good. I never knew how much love I had to...

fresh” chicken noodle soup through a 20-foot straw that runs from the basement up to the attic, where she found the soup.

Cynics are simply thwarted romantics.

To be a philosopher, just reverse everything you have ever been told…and have a sense of humor doing it.

Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.

One of the Georges,” said Psmith, “I forget which, once said that a certain number of hours’ sleep a day–I cannot recall for the moment how many–made a man something, which for the time being...

I’d kill every politician with a spoon, if I thought they had coffee for brains. But they’re simply not that intelligent, and I wish the people would wake up to that fact.

A blanket could be used like a cat, if it were furry and purred.

Did you wake him?””If I say yes, will you spank me?”Syn rolled his eyes. “You’re horrible, Mari.

A brick could be used to build a future with me. Come, let’s start a life together.

Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.

We had a choice between Democrats who couldn’t learn from the past and Republicans who couldn’t stop living in it…

A rocking chair in the middle of a boxing ring. You know, for the lover in the fighter. Also as something more entertaining than watching boxing.

Pop, please, it’s hideous,” Trick said.

Nobody touches my ding dongs!

A brick could be used as a medallion on the end of a necklace, much like human testicles aren’t used. It’s a shame, really, because when you think of all things dangly, male genitals drop...

The stoic contemplates fallen leaves; the epicure rakes them into a loveseat.

Jake’s POV: Meanwhile, Ally was here with Marshall Moss, who she was obviously going to hook up with later. They’d barely stopped touching each other all night. Even now, they were out in the middle...

Illinois makes silent noise. Loudoun County, however, has some of the highest decibel levels ever recorded by the Quiet Factory, since the political mouths in DC put them out of the whoopee cushion business.

Every child needs a father. Even if he turns out to be Darth Vader.

I didn’t understand how. But the toilets had responded to me. I had become one with the plumbing…

A blanket could be used as a parachute, for jumping out of dreams.

Hash, x. There is no definition for this word – nobody knows what hash is.Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable.Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and...

Enjoy yourselves. And Hap: Don’t let Umber near the arrows and bows; he’s liable to shoot himself in the nose.” Dodd grinned and snapped the reins, and the carriage rolled away. Umber sniffed. “One of...

Always mystify, torture, mislead, and surprise the audience as much as possible.