I like to use my influence for good, rather than evil. And in this case, the good is a free meal at a swanky restaurant. But I don’t have much influence, as you could tell...

Don’t get mad about the infestation of fleas if you keep shopping at the dog pound.

A thief is one who insists on sharing his victimhood.

Being a leader is making the people you love hate you a little more each day.

And if, by the end [of this book], you reckon you might still disagree with me, then I offer you this: you’ll still be wrong, but you’ll be wrong with a lot more panache and...

The silence sounded like a fire alarm in my ears.

What do you think they were doing? Playing a few hands of Find-the-Lady?

I always lift both lids of the toilet seat before I pee. Then I sit down while tinkling. If you think that’s crazy, then you haven’t seen a Florida gubernatorial debate.

When Eve upon the first of MenThe apple press’d with specious cant,Oh! what a thousand pities thenThat Adam was not adamant!

A brick could be used as a status symbol, much like a Mercedes is now. The cool thing about a brick is not only would it have zero emissions, but it would also have a...

I’d like to lose enough weight so that my bones creaked louder than the floor

Las mujeres se esmeran mucho para estar bien vestidas para hombres que solo quieren verlas desnudas.

All I could do was laugh, but it wasn’t funny. I find it incredibly sad to be tickled by an orphan.

You’re going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.

Joe is 3/4ths of a joke. 75% of politicians are jokes too, only the punchlines are the voters, and that kind of humor I just don’t find funny.

I love being a writer. What I can’t stand is the paperwork.

A brick has eight edges and six sides. That’s nearly as many sides as a politician takes when discussing a binary issue.

Asking me to do ANYTHING before I’ve had my first cup of coffee should be an episode on 1000 Ways to DIE.

On our second date, she kissed me in a bar. I invited her home. We just caught the F train, which seemed like a good omen.

I wrote you a love letter. I used invisible ink to show I was being transparent with my feelings. And also to hide my feelings.

Bard eyed him like he was manure on her shoes at the same time she did things, like sharpen a wooden stake, something she knew didn’t work on him, but that was not her point,...

If you had to sacrifice three people to save six people, would you do it? I would—if the three were politicians and the six were teachers, inventors, artists, or anybody but lawyers, lobbyists, or central...

Sweat, scalded meat, puke, blood, smoke and a dozen kinds of bad ale and wine: the bouquet of civilized nightlife

I don’t need every answer. Just the right answer.

all fiction is better with explosions’ said Jared. ‘Basic fact of life.

Oh Tigger, where are your manners?””I don’t know, but I bet they’re having more fun than I am.

It’s a real lightning bolt, this Science of Phrenology. I’ve found out more in the last three days than I knew in my whole life before. Mrs. Guilbert has always been a nasty one, but...

When a teacher is paying extra attention to your child, you believe that it’s because you raised such an exceptional kid, one that stands out head and shoulders above the rest of her booger-eating friends.

I would love to slap you right now, but I’m currently wielding a nine pound ball and I’m afraid that would be called murder.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

Certain brands of guilt can be inculcated in a secular way but other brands of guilt can only be obtained with reference to the metaphysical.

You are my whole heart, Scarlet. And this is breaking it.’My heart cracked open and clear dropped out of me. My mouth opened, and I looked round me and stamped my foot. ‘Does this look...

These days. Most of us have the attention span of a meth-addicted squirrel.

The topic of weather isn’t small talk, when you’re conversing with a meteorologist.

… I had been brought to boil twice with no pasta.

What do you call 1,000 government employees with no mouths or legs? More efficient.

After you are here, I will try not to become one of those parents who brag incessantly about their children, who force them to recite the alphabet backward or sing the Lord’s Prayer in German...

In the first years of our lives we learn how to shit, talk, walk, sleep, eat and, most importantly, how to royally piss off our parents.

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.

I had a dream about you. I was a chef and you were a buffet. The people were starving, children were dying of malnutrition, and all the politicians tried feeding them rhetoric. I suggested we...

Never love someone beneath your level of evolution. If you want a monkey, you can visit one at your local zoo.

It was queer meeting him there—odd I mean—and what are the odds we’d meet at a gay bar? I was there to meet a woman, I think.

THOMASINA:But then the Egyptian noodle made carnal embrace with the enemy who burned the great library of Alexandria without so much as a fine for all that is overdue!

People don’t deserve the restraint we show by not going into delirium in front of them.

Dear Natalie,In a recent study conducted by jarodkintz.com, nine out of ten people were more likely to say yes when the salesperson wore pants. The curious thing is that the prospective customers were being sold...

There is no real bravery in getting paid to save someone’s life. However, there is a large amount of bravery in a nurse break dancing at the hospital’s Christmas party.

The cucumber and the tomato are both fruit; the avocado is a nut. To assist with the dietary requirements of vegetarians, on the first Tuesday of the month a chicken is officially a vegetable.

I also don’t turn into a bat or sparkle in the sun. Hollywood’s portrayal of vampires is almost as accurate as its portrayal of prostitution in Pretty Woman.

Love is blind. Especially in the morning, because I can’t see a damn thing before having coffee.

Keep your head high and your skirt down.