You know on TV when there’s one of those awkward, shocking moments and all you hear are the crickets in the background?Well chirp fucking chirp…this is one of those moments.

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Whaaaaaat is going on?” May whispered out of the corner of her mouth.”I’m sort of comforted by the fact that I can’t figure it out,” Jack responded.

Like every other creature on the face of the earth, Godfrey was, by birthright, a stupendous badass, albeit in the somewhat narrow technical sense that he could trace his ancestry back up a long line...

Is my coitus whimsically inventive?

Who cares if you have a girlfriend, anyway?””I care” Simon said gloomily. “Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor. And he smells like windex.

My wallet isn’t empty—it’s full of hope. Thanks, Obama!

A short poem from my book:PerspectiveOf coursethere is a hellshe saidand it hasan observation deck;so I maystand and waveto all those kindsouls belowwho warned meI would go there.

I lit my loneliness on fire like it was a cigarette. But I didn’t smoke it, because that would have required me to remove my gas mask. And what kind of sensible girl is going...

Choosing individual stocks without any idea of what you’re looking for is like running through a dynamite factory with a burning match. You may live, but you’re still an idiot.

I have assigned myself a Hooray Factor of five. This is the top level, and is the only level that has a physical representation—that of a high five. But don’t try to give me a...

I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.

I didn’t have time to bury the money. All my precious time was taken up burying the body. I should have left the body and hid the cash. Damn! Now I’ve got no body, but...

This college would probably have the same problem as the last one did.”I frowned, “What’s that?””Homework.

Somebody get me a bottle of booze—and a reason to quit drinking. I fell in love twice today, and I only encountered one other person.

It was how it had been with the madman among the tombs, that their number was legion, far in excess at any rate if the number listed on the back of the door as the...

Americans wouldn’t be in the economic predicament we’re in, if there were no America. So we can all thank our founding fathers for America’s current monetary nightmare.

Of course, when you shut off your brain from rational analysis, any book is dangerous. Taking literally ancient parables from thousands of years ago is much more dangerous than playing with a loaded gun. Ancient...

If I worked at a Laundromat, I’d steal money, and if I worked at a bank, I’d steal clothes.

There are men running governments who shouldn’t be allowed to play with matches.

Love is a rainbow of emotion. My favorite part is the pot of gold and the Irish midget.

I hope this book will inspire the kitchen con-artist in you, increase fruit and veggie consumption in your family, and motivate you to become an Accidental Cook. Pass it on!

I keep an outfit of my baby clothes on a hanger in my closet. It hangs there like a heretical, anorexic midget. I do this to increase my chances of getting laid (wet baloney is...

She had hit rock-bottom. She had given a blow job to a man who for all intents and purposes, was a bum. He had smelled so bad, she forced him to spray on some of...

A company with no advertising is like a car with no headlights—it runs smoothly during the day, when people are awake and shopping, and saves money at night, when people are asleep.

Back home, my favorite part of Mass was during communion, when I’d stand at the rail and hold a little gold platter under people’s chins. The pretty girls would line up for communion (I confess...

He has one of the worst personalities. Actually, you can’t call it a personality, since he acts more like an animal than a person.

There were no windows in my bedroom, so I had to sit up and read my clock to figure out how angry I should be at my visitor. Eight A.M. I hated whoever woke me...

I’m an extreme athlete. I’m into cuddling. I wonder if Red Bull would sponsor me.

Jason glanced at the creature. It remained the same distance away as before, still as a statue.”What do you want?” Jason asked.No answer.”Are you the thing that followed Tark? You should keep following him. He’s...

He wasn’t aware of it but when he smiled he looked like an amiable bear. When he didn’t smile he didn’t look amiable

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.

Love smells like a flower in bloom. A flower that’s sitting on a pile of steaming feces.

He kissed me for a long moment, holding my shoulders, perhaps to keep me from pressing my whole body against his. Then he tried to lift my bag.”My God,” he said. “What happened?””I found out...

I’m stranded. Come pick me up. I’ll be dressed like a hooker and standing on the corner. There’s a discount if you get here in 30 minutes or less.

You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.It’s really funny.

real” relationship?

Only the great warriors fall down from their horses; one would not fall who rides a donkey cart.

I shed my clothes like a garage doesn’t shed—and a shed doesn’t garage. Then we made love like neighbors, so close, yet separated by several barriers.

Sit. Wait.”Did I mention werewolves were chatty?

Granddaddy Cove, it’s where all the lost hugs are. I know where the treasure is buried, and I’ll take you there for a small finder’s fee.

Oh, she went to some trouble there.” But no, when I wear a scarf it means “this grey blouse was unwrinkled and those mocha pants make my behind look fine and voila I have a...

I keep my love for her in the ashtray, along with the other stuff she burnt.

Where does a werewolf sleep? Anywhere he wants to.

A blanket could be used to protect your heart from heartbreak. Keep your heart warm, because if your heart grows as cold as ice, it’s much more likely to shatter.

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Finding a life partner is like choosing a bed. You need one as a friend either in times of health or sickness. Freshness or weariness. Happiness or sadness. And we can be certain that we’ve...

College is a different scene than it was ten years ago. It used to be all about sex and drugs. Now it’s all about texting and fast food.

When I make love I use protection. I wear rubber gloves.

Jumping Jehoshaphat. O Holy Night.