Fred, you next,” the plump woman said. “I’m not Fred, I’m George,” said the boy. “Honestly, woman, you call yourself our mother? Can’t you tell I’m George?” “Sorry, George, dear.” “Only joking, I am Fred,”...

The practice of doing more than necessary works best when packing lunch boxes

I went to a gun range and shot a man made out of paper. That paper man must have had a brother, and I fear one day that paper man’s brother is going to shoot...

Oh, you found someone else? With less money?

Falling in love too quickly spells disaster. But I’ve always lived dangerously, and I spell disaster with a Z.

I am astounded at how long it takes to discover… for the first time,the things I have learned… over and over again all my life.

With the rising cost of food, either the portions get smaller, or the quality gets inferior. So, for example, pizza that used to taste like cardboard now tastes like carpet. Unvacuumed carpet, because I asked...

I see a light in the kitchen. Let us not deprive Molly any longer of the chance to deplore how thin you are.

Rae burned me. She has matches or something. Look, look…” Tori pulled down the collar of her T-shirt. “Leave your cloths on, Tori,” Simon said, raising his hands to his eyes. “Please.

Halved. That was every time. My laughter was for idiots, for their unjustifiable idiocy and for myself for an unrelenting conviction to them, for that unforgivable instance I leveled myself to them. At that awkward...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Go sip on gossip, and leave the coffee talk for me to chug. I’ll be in the kitchen, giggling like a schoolgirl if you need me.

Whenever God kicks in a door, He padlocks it later.

Try my all-you-can-eat vomit soup. Sadly, people don’t want seconds, because they don’t even want firsts. But it tastes great. I tasted it on the way down—and then again on the way up.

Once, when a religionist denounced me in unmeasured terms, I sent him a card saying, “I am sure you believe that I will go to hell when I die, and that once there I will...

Fear causes the dog to bite and Roze was one bitch.

This book will prove the following ten facts:1. A Goon is a being who melts into the foreground and sticks there.2. Pigs have wings, making them hard to catch.3. All power corrupts, but we need...

You nicked-named my daughter after the Lock Ness Monster!

It doesn’t matter if I don’t have a suit, you should still invite me swimming. That’s the naked truth.

I feel small when I stand beside the ocean, next to all those fat people in bathing suits.

My boxers have salad dressing stains on them, and my dishwasher is broken. I’ll make dinner for you, if you clean up afterwards.

We put our flags in soil when we arrive, as if it now belongs to us and we know where we are.

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a...

I bowl with cannonballs, because this is war, 1863 style. I could probably bowl a perfect 300 game using only half the deaths at Gettysburg.

You’re the only kick-ass general I know who needs three gay boys to dress him, John.””But I only need one gay boy to undress me.

I’ll tell him this isn’t just a job to me, it’s a career, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that I’ll surely never take for granted. Will I work nights, weekends, and holidays? There’s nothing I’ve ever wanted...

I have no desire to spend every night of the next few months at balls and soirees or drowning in tea with morning callers.

Fish strips—where food meets getting naked. My love is also nourishing and nude, and if you want to see it, you’re going to have to get in line with the rest of the starving perverts.

I used to have Santa and the whole coal thing, but between Wade and their father, the little shits get whatever they want. They no longer feel like they need the fat bastard!

Nowhere have I ever heard of Satan taking the form of an avuncular hippie. No doubt he could. It just seems inefficient.

Any fool can make a ruleAnd any fool will mind it.

There are billions of men in the world, probably millions near my age. Maybe hundreds who are compatible with me. Maybe at least a dozen who would want to date me. There’s got to be...

soul mate” really just the best approximation of ourselves that we can find?

Man is certainly stark mad; he cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by dozens.

I never arrive unannounced without something big and juicy in hand.- Simon Hunt

I tell you it’s deadly when you start thinking your wife might be right.

I was wasting my time, praying for love.For a love that never comes, from someone who does not exist.

I want to be the leading man in a story about followers.

You can’t be creative without criticism. If your life is without critics then maybe you are painting your life’s masterpiece with only a broken brown crayon.

The Covert Comic: glans clitoridis of America’s intelligence gap.

If radios and microwaves merged, then the ideal pop song would be three minutes, or the length of time a bag of popcorn takes to finish popping. That’s about twice the length of my marriage,...

The Bloodsucker Queen has lived for what, a millennium? She can wait on her decaying ass a little while longer.

This world, I am afraid, is designed for crashing bores.

When I first heard Twilight was a book about vampires that sparkled in the light and shape shifters/wolves eager to assist the vampires, I thought, Finally, a metaphorical book dealing with politicians and lobbyists.

Cara, in the lead, came to a halt beside them, looking from one to the other. “Still with the clothes, Lord Rahl?

The statements I provided under oath were not false, they were substantially mispronounced.

To most people, if you’re muttering, you might as well be speaking a foreign language. I should know, because in college I took two years of muttering.

Gintoki: Listen up! Let’s say you drink too much strawberry milk, and have to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, but it’s cold outside your bed. You don’t want to get up,...

Being a pumpkinhead is great.””Your HEAD is PUMPKIN.

Like ice, this economy is more fluid than ever. Thanks, Washington, DC!