I’ve got the ego of a giant midget. Yes, it’s just that small.

Take the road less traveled…there’s less traffic!!!

Fool! Nothing but black ink runs through my veins!

I cried because I had no wallet, until I met a man who had no money. I don’t know why he had no money, because that man stole my wallet.

The only thing he was sorry for was slamming the door and perhaps raising his voice to the woman who’d been like a mother to him since the passing of his parents. Perhaps she hadn’t...

Más de una y menos de cien..Creo-se estaba riendo. Le hice un gesto reprobatorio-.Ahora caigo quieres saber porque crees que soy buen amante,-Medio.-Fabuloso-Pichí, pachá.-Portentoso.-Buah.-Un dios del sexo.-Ya quisieras.-Hasta ahora no he tenido queja alguna.- Es...

Who inspires me to write? My clone. I just want him to appreciate me as a person.

Honestly, the only question most Americans ask about a new building at this point is basically: Is it a soul-sucking eyesore of cheap-ass despair? It’s not? Whew.

I’m offering you love on a stick. If you’d like, you can grab it to go. It’s like a popsicle, only it won’t melt if you put it through hell like you did with you...

The three of us made love like one of us was a voyeur. I was the only one using binoculars as a sex toy.

I think I know why you never married, Sarah.””Well, and I reckoned if I wanted something that’d come and go as he pleased, take me for granted, and ignore me when he chose, I’d get...

Rich in Happiness is about choosing new perspectives, new habits, and a new emotional future.

His twin brother died, and rather than assume he felt sad, I imagined he felt like an individual. Finally, he was one of one, not one of two.

your wet-T-shirt librarian with the punk rock hair is helping me out just fine.

Never knock on death’s door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that. – T-shirt

I’ll write The Art Of Love, which will be tactical, like The Art Of War.

At the end of human; life losses is equal to life gain life earned is equal to life learned and life pain is equal to life lecture. Everything is just one; You!

To modernize their sleeping habits, [Peter the Great] declared, ‘Ladies and gentlemen of the court caught sleeping with their boots on will be instantly decapitated.

Your leftover meatloaf makes me horny. Let us make love like the first squirt from a new bottle of ketchup.

I love trash. I have never believed that kitsch kills. I tell you this, so you will understand that my antipathy toward ‘Love Story’ is not because I am immune to either sentimentality or garbage,...

You called me at four thirty-four….I hate four thirty-four. I think four thirty-four should be banned and replaced with something more reasonable, like, say, nine twelve.

The distance had been evaporated by humor

The gym cat appears to those who will die. He is our totem.” This thought came to me a few weeks ago. I shared it with no one of course.

I was lucky to live in the 20th century, when gefilte fish could be purchased in a jar.

A brick could be used as a sex toy. Well, I say sex toy, but the politician strapped to the bed would probably say torture device.

I met a woman who told me she wasn’t attracted to Asians. No worries, I said. I’m not attracted to racists.

My love is colorful, like a rainbow that’s only shades of blue. Monochromatic for monoamor.

Today I had to cut my Silent and Still Statue Demonstration Ceremony short due to wind conditions. Tonight I’ll make love like a tornado.

Only hurts when I breathe or blink or exist, if I’m being honest.

Toys have taken over my family room. I watch Mary Poppins, and no matter how many spoonfuls of sugar I eat, action figures won’t march into a bin with the snap of my fingers.

I got hit on at the bar last night, and this morning I have a black eye. Sometimes you can be so sexy that you offend, I guess.

Love and magic have a great deal in common. they enrich the soul, delight the heart. And they both take practice.

I sort of got off on making bad guys sweat. Which was not unlike my love of making good guys sweat, just by very different means.

Oftentimes, people meet our writing before they meet us; our writing is our first impression.People read our résumés, cover letters, proposals, and emails, and that’s the basis on which we are judged first. If our...

But these dresses? I don’t know what to do. They’re the wrong color, and they’re hideous!” She went into a hysterical fit of tears.

When an answer finally comes to me, I know I’ve completely lost all my wits – or as my mama used to tell my father, I have a few screws loose.

Simple,’ Tummeler replied.’ Blueberries is one of the great forces o’good in the world.’ How do you figure that?’ said Charles. Well,’ said Tummeler, ‘have you ever seen a troll, or a Wendigo, or,’ he...

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

You’ll know I’ve gone into ninja mode because I’ll have turned out the light. I make love like an assassin, and if you hear me snoring, I’m only pretending to be asleep! All love is...

Sorry to hear about your Dad.”He shrugged. “He was seventy, and we always told him fast food would kill him.””Heart attack?””He was hit by a Pizza Express truck.

The face of a truly happy man seldom lacks smiles.

If those at your top are weak, your bottom will be rotten

I like farm salmon. I like the idea of fish growing on trees.

Is your dog in a coma?” Quinn asked when the dog didn’t move a muscle.”No. Lump leads an active and demanding internal life that requires long periods of rest.

The two squirrels quarreled like lovers, and it moved me so much I made both into one toupee. I’m not bald, but that doesn’t mean I don’t wear it. I’m a romantic.

To their eyes, I was love. To their ears, I was truth. To their noses, I was anus.

You’re the queen, and it’s the queen’s house, and whatever Brigan may accomplish, he’s highly unlikely ever to be queen.

The first rule of snooping is to come at it sideways–when you began writing me dizzy letters about Alexander, I didn’t ask if you were in love with him, I asked what his favorite animal...

We rode on the horse like we were in love and drunk on coffee. But that’s silly, because we weren’t drunk and in love. We were just drunk, and not from the coffee either.

So. You’re a fallen angel.” She folded her arms.”I’m not fallen,” he said roughly.”Then what are you?”He shrugged. “Busted.