I had a dream about you. I was a small business owner, and you were also a small business owner. The difference was I was a sole proprietor, and you were a midget.

I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.

I wear my job like a robe. I can’t wait to take it off. I vacation like a nudist showers—in the rain, under an umbrella, with five judges watching and awarding style points.

He kills her in her own humor.

You can’t make me do anything. I’m an adult. And I’m much stronger than you.””Upper body strength isn’t everything; I have wiles.””Not really.””Yes, I do. I’m a woman. Women have wiles.””Some women. It’s not like...

Stomp stomp. Whirr. Pleased to be of service.Shut up.Thank you.Stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Whirr. Thank you for making a simple door very happy.Hope your diodes rot.Thank you. Have a nice day.Stomp stomp stomp stomp....

[I] don’t think I was trying to kill myself. I just wanted to hurt, and understand exactly whay I was hurting. This made sense: you cut, you felt pain, period.

Why are there so many people out here?’ Boomer asked as we bobbed and weaved roughly forward.’Christmas shopping.’ I explained.’Already? Isn’t it early to returning things?’I really had no sense of how his mind worked.

Calvin: As you can see, I have memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You’ve taught me nothing except how to...

Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, ‘I wish I had bought stock in it.’ Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra...

We laugh, that we may not cry.

We’ll buy a cot. Your husband can sleep on that when he visits.

A crime scene is a silent witness that speaks louder and clearer than any human. Just ask Helen Keller.

Amen,’ I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse. Ten bucks says a month from now I’ll have forgotten about it and...

Tomorrow I’ll be 24 hours longer than I am today. My love for you grows every minute, and pretty soon it will be 120 seconds tall.

Baumauer has been lured into the exhausting habit of supplying Kalist with ever more exceptional quality work just to appease him and often survives all day and all evening without food, but Maxwell D. Kalist...

Nobody wants to leave what they know to go either to the unknown, or to grandmother’s house.

I don’t even pretend to believe I know everything; I just believe in arguments God told me I had a pretty good chance of winning, while I was traveling through hell.

Growing up in my family meant ambushes on your birthday, crossbows for Christmas, and games of dodge ball where the balls were occasionally rigged to explode. It also meant learning how to work your way...

Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers.

I wanted to stay this way forever.Which, it turns out, was exactly five more minutes.

The reason we talk with the same part of the body we eat with is because if we tried to eat with our ears, and I have tried, then we would naturally have to have...

Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face.

You have to be fun to ride roller coasters. And you have to be tall. My love for you is both of those things, even though I disguise it as a dwarf.

When you are being judged by someone that has no idea who you are always remember this: Dogs always bark at strangers and usually there is always some wacko neighbor that wants to try out...

He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.

18 rules for not getting caught. 1-17: don’t tell anybody. #18: not even your clone.

Cuando me di cuenta que el mundo era como esa naranja me dieron unas ganas tremendas de comerme un pedazo del mundo. Sentía una sed terrible y los dientes se me salían de la boca...

He seemed to swallow the lie I fed him. I hope he’s not still hungry. If he is, I’ll give him the illusory dessert known as the American Dream.

Love does not cost anything. Kind words and deeds do not cost anything. The real beauty of the world is equal for everyone to see. It was given by God equally to all, without restrictions....

I call my thumb Napoleon, because I rarely ever lose a thumb war. Also because my thumb’s so small, and I wear a tiny funny hat and cape on it.

Modern literature is a north-east wind–a blight of the human soul. I take credit to myself for having helped to make it so. The way to produce fine fruit is to blight the flower. You...

The following Discourse [on art, by Sir Joshua Reynolds] is particularly Interesting to Blockheads as it endeavours to prove that There is No such thing as Inspiration & that any Man of a plain Understanding...

I can’t tell you how much I love kissing ass. Especially wealthy, cellulose-stippled ass. But I’ll smile as big as a personified yellow circle and assure the hiring manager that I was born to serve....

Chuck Norris CAN understand women.

There should be a soup spoon on the end of fire truck ladders, because fires do nothing if they don’t warm up leftovers.

Disco’s are tricky. You look a total wally if you dance too early but after one crucial song tips the disco over, you look a sad saddo if you don’t.

I’m practically famous. More than eleven people have heard of me. Twelve, to be exact.

It don’t do you no nevermind to tell nobody nothing.

6. Sleep with a bra on every night in fear of your boobs dropping should you forget. Intermediate: Don’t wear a bra in the daytime. Advanced: Forget bras and wear the Hear Comes Trouble T-shirt...

As much as I want to make love to you, I’d rather make love to your clone.

and I don’t have to hold on with anything more than my toes

I’ll take a side of mashed potatoes—on the left side. And the right side.

it’s as if the universe has a sense of humor, since at a deep level it’s impossible not to lead a spiritual life…the universe is living through you at this moment. with or without belief...

Kids should be cute, caring, cuddly, and above all, quiet.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Hereos. Idols. They’re never who you think they are. Shorter. Nastier. Smellier. And when you finally meet them, there’s something that makes you want to choke the shit out of them.

Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who’s Mildred? How the heck should I know? I don’t eat breakfast.

Dear Lynda Carter, Please be with me in my hour of need. Especially if I don’t have to twirl around to get my powers.

Even roaches won’t eat McDonald’s. Neither will any of the Donalds I know, and I don’t know anybody named Donald.