What the fuck does he think he’s doing anyway? And when has running around in a figure eight ever helped anyone?

Back when I was growing up we didn’t have teleportation devices. We actually had to walk to school. In the snow. And shoes hadn’t even been invented yet.

Let me be clear. Last I was aware you were neither my husband nor my father nor my King. Therefore, any control you may imagine you hold over me is just that- imaginary

Find out what people want to do, then tell them to do it. They’ll think you’re a genius.

I went to visit my grandma. I meant to stay for two days, but ended up staying two months. (So I overslept a little).

I’m tired again, I’ve tried again, and now my heart is full.And I just can’t explain…so I won’t even try to.

Bursar? Yes, Archchancellor? You ain’t a member of some secret society or somethin’, are you? Me? No, Archchancellor. Then it’d be a damn good idea to take your underpants off your head.

Look at this fog. The damp gets right into your bones. It’s doing my chest no good at all. I’ll need a vapour bath.” Bryant pulled down his scarf and peered over the sodden hedge....

A blanket could be used as a tarp over one of those tiny circular inflatable pools for children. Well, you might call it a tarp, but I’d call it a trap. But I’ve already tried...

Don’t touch me – I don’t know where I’ve been.

It was almost noon when the plane touched down at the Triad airport on the outskirts of Greensboro. There was a hire car waiting for me; I waved my notepad at the dashboard to transmit...

Meow.

The smoke stung at the corners of Uri’s eyes as he struggled to open them. He could hear the battle sounds all around him and smell the iron from the blood drenched warfare in the...

Tatiana is a ridiculously curvy thing of dreams, with smooth succulent thighs, long strawberry blond cascading beneath a teal bandana, and a nympho sparkle in her eyes that says pick me, lick me, spank me,...

No! Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.

Secret 737160022162. It’s unthinkable only to the extent it’s doable.

If I were a robot, and I got cheated on with a vacuum cleaner, I’d question my cleanliness. I’d also wonder if dating a beautiful yellow bulldozer was wise. Is my bulldozer nothing but a...

Humor can get in under the door while seriousness is still fumbling at the handle.

Death should take me while I am in the mood.

Anyway, why would you trust anything written down? She certainly didn’t trust “Mothers of Borogravia!” and that was from the government. And if you couldn’t trust the government, who could you trust?Very nearly everyone, come...

Don’t be bashful; we’re among gentlemen. It’s a known fact that we men are the missing link between the pirate and the pig.

There are pockets of wealth in this country. Mostly those pockets are in the politicians’ pants.

I gave up on cussing – I’d run out of words filthy enough – and just started praying.

My date couldn’t make it to dinner, because at the last minute I backed down from asking her.

I don’t do ‘black music,’ I don’t do ‘white music’…I make fight music, for high school kids.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Tooth Fairy” Growing up in the Northwest was tough. For years I thought the Tooth Fairy was a big boat with cars and sharp teeth.

Preston, I don’t think this creature could ever find its way into your head. Quite apart from anything else, it seems pretty crowded and complicated to me.

I’m not sure if there’s one right place I’m supposed to be, he said, but I know a couple of wrong places I’d give a second try in a heartbeat.

I place a higher value on human life than on no human life. But only barely.

In real life, espionage and sex have so little to do with one another that for all practical purposes they could be married.

If there are two witnesses to a murder, you and the guy you killed, I’d say your secret is safe. I won’t say nothing to nobody.

The cause isn’t worth getting up for, but it is worth sleeping for. Just trying to do my part to help humanity.

Everything will turn out right, the world is built on that.

women aren’t funny.” Using that same math, I can state: Male comedy writers piss in cups.

There is much to discover that’s not on the back cover!

The birds bark my name, and I meow theirs in return. I may be a bit mixed up about life, but not about love. Or maybe I mixed that up.

The job knew I was dangerous when it took me.

I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight.

My love grows long, and my smile is wide. My gaze is deep, and my penchant for making up words is apopleggio.

God, I envy him,” St. Vincent said feelingly, rubbing his own dark-circled eyes.

[The cats] scamper in front of my legs, causing me to fall and face plant into whatever furniture is closest. They especially like to play this game when I’m carrying piping hot coffee.

flies can’t help eatin’ shit cause that’s where their tastes lead ’em

I applied for an overnight stocking position at a supermarket, but I didn’t get the job. It probably went to somebody the manager knew. What, did I have to go to Harvard to get the...

He turned the entire living room into an airport, complete with a four-foot-high LEGO traffic control tower and a fleet of paper planes, plastic army pilots taped safely into their cockpits. From deep beneath the...

I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything.

Wait let me see if I can reach you using your own language. You do ken ‘tis year of our Lord two thousand and eight aye?

I’ve missed you, Sebastian.””Have you, love?” He unfastened the buttons of her robe, the light eyes glittering with heat as her skin was revealed. “What part did you miss the most?””Your mind,” she said, and...

Bein’ a soldier is not hard. If it was, soldiers would not be able to do it.

There’s some heinous fuckery goin’ on mon.

If a man were choking, what would I do? Depends. If that man is my boss, I’d strangle him.