To fly is to swim in the air, and a brick could be used as an as example to highlight man’s failure to fishbird.

There is in every village a torch- the schoolteacher; and an extinguisher: the priest.

Now, there are things I like just fine about church, and I don’t just mean making money. The notion of getting together as a community to remind ourselves why we shouldn’t behave like animals is...

Haiku sounds like I’mSaying hi to someone namedKu. Hi, Ku. Hello.

If we get a 3D printer at the office, the first thing I’m printing with it is a new 3D printer just for me!

The three of you were pretty cute last night, with all that touchy-feely crap.””Yeah, that lasted for about two minutes before you dragged Evan back over to the bar.””Dude, we were hunting Turkey. [drinking bourbon]...

A brick could be used to send Satan back from whence he came. But where did he come from? Probably Washington DC.

I think I just blew my own mind.

Every time you try to flirt with her, a puppy dies.

A blanket could be used to save your marriage. But to be honest, I’d recommend saving your marriage in a Tupperware container. That way it’ll stay fresher for longer.

Eternity is not a super-abundance of time, but timelessness.

A blanket could be used to wipe away my tears. But it’d better be a blanket the size of America, because I’ve been crying since Andrew Jackson died.

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

There were no windows in my bedroom, so I had to sit up and read my clock to figure out how angry I should be at my visitor. Eight A.M. I hated whoever woke me...

A brick could be used like a used car salesman uses people. I know, because I used to sell cars. Well, technically I got fired precisely because I didn’t sell any cars.

Why are we so addicted to social media?Because, our limbic system is craving for rewards, pleasure, acceptance and expansion through mind.

They say laughter is the best medicine, and I agree. Plus, it’s free, has no bad side effects and is available to EVERYONE.

A brick could be used as a response when the cops ask you if you murdered your mother-in-law. Forget yes or no. Well, forget yes altogether, but use brick for every response except one: What...

He’d gone from sixteen to seventy-five in a matter of seconds, but the old-man smell happened instantly, like boom. Congratulations! You stink!

I had no idea that marriage was only supposed to be between two people who wanted to get between the sheets and make more people. What ever happened to marrying for love— or to get...

It’s not the hair on your head that matters. It’s the kind of hair you have inside.

First blood is mine.Last blood counts for more.–Artemis Entreri and Drizzt Do’Urden

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

Richard Feynman was fond of giving the following advice on how to be a genius. You have to keep a dozen of your favorite problems constantly present in your mind, although by and large they...

I work hard. The staff and crew see how much energy I put into this project, and it makes them step up.

But you’re my pain in the ass.

Oh. Momma told me not to tell you that your bed squeaks. But I think you know, ’cause I could hear it this morning. Jake dropped his fork. Tor, for the first time Jake had...

He made a sound of disgust in the back of his throat. “Oh thank you so much. That’s what every man wants to hear about his name. You might as well call me ‘Little Pecker’...

Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are economical in its use.

Can I brush your hair?” she asked as she led the way, her disposition doing a 180 on a dime. Kids. Can’t live with ’em. Can’t eat ’em for lunch.

Because I feel as if I let it down. As if it needed something from me, I was its only hope, and now that hope is gone.”What penis doesn’t try to make you feel that...

Don’t let your teeth make you lose respect by permanently keeping them opened for the sake of being friendly.

and then I decided I was a lemon for a couple of weeks. I kept myself amused all that time jumping in and out of a gin and tonic.

Fee-fi-fo-fum, you better run and hideI smell the blood of a petty little coward

Just the fact that I’m in the game is great. I’m just blessed to be working. I got a plan, but I’m humble and I try to be humble.

It’s true, I can’t make you love me. But I can refuse to let you out of your cage.

Who in the universe halts when the enemy tells them to?

I felt my cheeks turn red, and she laughed out loud. But I didn’t mind too much, because the last thing she saw was my middle finger aimed in her direction as I stepped outside

Napoleon made war like I make love—from a height of about 68 centimeters. (I wear platform shoes while I’m on my knees)

Well, it’s just that… that’s going to hurt a bit, my dear. Go on, bend over. I’ll demonstrate.

You make me sound like an arrogant ass,” he said.”Are you?””No! I’m just me.

Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory.

Tease.

I just thought of a great theory that explains everything. When I went to that party, I was abducted by aliens. They have created a fake Earth and fake high school to study me and...

Satan impregnated my mother one lovely spring morning. We didn’t have the heart to tell my father.

you were adorable.

Lord, what fools these mortals be!

Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.

Taxidermy?” he responded with just a touch of his own sarcasm.

And I’m sure than in Poland, or somewhere, it is considered cool to drive a Porsche and wear necklaces and black silk, but at least back in Brooklyn if you did those things you were...