My love is a flower. If you’d call that romantic, I’d agree and say it would look great on your grave.

She moved like water, graceful and soft and lovely. Every part of me wanted to stick out my foot and trip her, just to see her stumble.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

John Locke invented common sense, and only Englishmen have had it ever since!

Sounds like you kids have some talking to do. I’ll be eavesdropping from the kitchen.

I love to pull at people’s heart strings, but I’m no Nicholas Sparks.

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don’t know I’m firing blanks.

Fifteen minutes later, Justin looks at his pint of blood with pride. He doesn’t want it to go to some stranger, he almost wants to bring it to the hospital himself, survey the wards and...

Neither sleet nor rain nor a half inch of snow will compel me to dress like a lumberjack.

While you’re singing something romantic, I can’t get the lyrics to ‘Love and Marriage’ out of my head, and that tune always reminds me of the jingle from Jeopardy.

As is perhaps obvious, Morris Zapp had no great esteem for his fellow-labourers in the vineyards of literature. They seemed to him vague, fickle, irresponsible creatures, who wallowed in relativism like hippopotami in mud, with...

I’m related to one. Can you believe that? It was bad enough thinking I was paranoid, going crazy or maybe just cursed, but to find out Gods are real and that I’m related to one…...

Yes it is” Eragon said before his courage left him “just like you

These werewolves and the gwrgi are not like the American breed of werewolf. They are not part timers. They do not spend the one, full moon, night in every twenty eight as a wolf or...

politician,” and must be destroyed.

A brick could be used to unite two long-lost brothers. They’ve been apart for six inches, and that’s entirely too long, and I think it’d be good to bring them back together.

I love that she loves me a 10, on a 5-point scale. Well, I know it’s a 5-point scale, though I asked her on a 1-100 scale.

A brick could be used to brighten up your day, like a lampshade over the sun dangling down over your dining room table. You’d better apply sunscreen to your ice cream or it’ll likely melt...

You win, you dirty evil butt-munch. I’ll never not let you stay over again. Now let’s go back to bed.

A brick could be used to flavor your bathtub water, and raise the fluid level, so you perceive that you have more to drink.

One more lesson like that and I might just do a Weasley.

I wish I knew how to quit you, Tumblr.

I’m guessing that’s a uniform.”Crap. I’d forgotten I was still wearing it.

A haunted house could be used like a Band-Aid to stop a bleeding brick. But why stop the bleeding? Stab it a few more times and then sell tickets to the spectacle.

I often arrive at quite sensible ideas and judgements, on the spur of the moment. It is when I stop to think that I become foolish.

A blanket could be used to ward off warts. I tested it out last Tuesday on my Aunt Velma, and she doesn’t have a wart on her body. It’s probably true that she didn’t have...

My grandmother is a little Cuban woman who cooks all day and speaks Spanish. Your grandmother watches pay-per-view porn.””She used to watch the Weather Channel, but she said there wasn’t enough action.”-Ranger and Stephanie

A brick could be used to trick a snake into leaving your pet mouse alone. That way you’re free to use the mouse as you want to, you pervert.

Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.

With a philosophy education, one can infuriate his peers, intimidate his date, think of obscure, unreliable ways to make money, and never regret a thing.

The clock struck eleven and cat the vampire huntress was on the loose, except my battle armor was a push-up bra, curled hair, and a short dress. Yeah, it was a dirty job, but I...

A brick is slow, when it’s lying on the floor. But fast when just thrown.

You cannot expect a man to love you, but not because of your body or physical construction. It is like giving a man the option between choosing you and a monkey.

I’m not blanketing the truth when I say: Give a man a brick, and he’ll fish for a day. But give a man a fish, and he’ll brick for the rest of his life.

I mean emotionally, women are like Bruce Lee and we’re like Donald Duck. An’ I think a lotta guys are afraid of that.

A blanket could be used as a parachute, for jumping out of dreams.

The fool has said in his heart: pass me another Everlasting God-Stopper, please.

I enjoy poetry where I can talk as bizarre as I please, but theology or philosophy, I always respect the truth by taking it a step further.

My heart started racing, not the bad kind of heart racing, like I’m going to die. But the good kind of heart racing, like, Hello, can I help you with something? If not, please step...

A brick is blocking my urethra. But it’s not painful, because my penis is just that big. Oh yes, it’s as big as this lie is.

By the time I’m nine I know the world is a dangerous place. I’ve heard whispers about razorblades in apples, about Charlie Manson and his family. But no one is offering any clear information.

Several famous people have licked my nipples. Well, indirectly. First they licked the stamps, and then I peeled them off the letters and stuck them on my nipples.

Fuck it… That’s really the attitude that keeps a family together, it’s not “we love each other”, it’s just “fuck it, man.

Of all the things I own, I’m most sentimental about my shoes, because they’ve traveled with me every step of my journey.

We must have taken a wrong turn turning somewhere.””Where, Purgatory?” said Dozy. “We’re in Hell.

Never in all her life had she imagined that this idolized millinery could look, to those who paid for it, like the decorations of an insane monkey.

I suppose when you say you slept with him, it was more than just a nap?”Lillian shot her a withering glance. “Daisy, don’t be a pea wit.

Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.

Being diagnosed with spatial orientation phenomenon can turn a person’s whole world upside up.

What did your mom say?””She said I better not be pregnant.”Janie snorts. “What the hell is wrong with our parents, anyway? Wait — you’re not, are you?” “Of course not! Sheesh, Janers! I may not...