I lost my virginity in the back seat of a Buick. Not because I’m a romantic, but because my grandpa and grandma were in the front seats.

I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out.

She hated Mr. Meanie. But she’d gotten to know him and they’d reached an understanding of sorts. Now she was to have him for supper.”Don’t tell me you’re feeling guilty?”Breaking off a piece of the...

I thought I’d lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while,” he grunted, “It relaxes me.””It does? Oh – you’re being sarcastic. That’s a good sign probably.

Kennedy hisses.”And you have the chest of one.

Keep up,” said an irritable voice in her ear. It was Jace, who had dropped back to walk beside her. “I don’t want to have to keep looking behind me to make sure nothing’s happened...

Underwater nobody can dance. Let this be a lesson in basket weaving. And love.

Inconvenience in progress, work is regretted.

We were just kids, what did we know about love? I knew I loved her, and she knew she didn’t love me. Turns out we were both wrong.

We are all regular people, Pia,’ she laughs. ‘But we are notregular wives.

When one is two, it is love, and one plus one equals three.

I also think if you’re an actor and you can improvise, when you go on an audition and you can improvise you’re just a genius. If you can, you know, take a Tide commercial and...

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.

The intersection of pork and man was circumscribed with vagueness. Until now sausage was a mysterious world: the fenced-in landscapes of strange, exotic muds, the cloak-and-dagger butchers that veiled their conversations in Old French, the...

Do Not Eat.” Since I don’t feel like cooking or making love, I’ll probably have it for dinner tonight.

Log Entry: SOL 118My conversation with NASA about the Water Reclaimer was boring and riddled with technical details. So I’ll paraphrase for you:Me: “This is obviously a clog. How about I take it apart and...

Rhiannon’s Law #16: If it looks like a rabbit, and it hops like a rabbit, run the other way and fast. That shit is liable to tear you arm off.

You don’t appreciate a faithful husband when you’ve got one,’ said Tommy.’All my friends tell me you never know with husbands,’ said Tuppance.’You have the wrong kind of friends,’ said Tommy.

They sent the shrink round yesterday. He’s put me on Prozac. Prozac! He thinks I’m depressed.”Aren’t you depressed?”I wasn’t depressed.”You did try to kill yourself,’ I pointed out.’Yes. That’s what he said too. Apparently that’s...

In my opinion, all boyfriends should turn out to be secretly wealthy.

I threatened to kung fu you. Oh my God.

…that was before I’d started thinking about how life stuck on a ship wouldn’t be so bad if Elder walked around pantless more.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Hey, Geekoid!” yelled Duncan Dougal, “Why do you read so much? Don’t you know how to watch TV?

They should make bubblegum that tastes like mashed potatoes. You know, for lovers.

Evil influence is like a nicotine patch, you cannot help but absorb what sticks to you.

C: What do you get when a giant sneezes?Out of the way. – Marigold

Lash had been explaining to her that it’s impolite to refer to an African American as a nigga, unless one was another African American, when Troy Lee came in and said, “She only speaks Cantonese.””She...

Just think it through Ace. I’m sure the answer will come to you… eventually.” Jake sat there in silence, staring at the closed door to Sher’s bedroom. What had just happened here? Well, he’d just...

A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier, and hoarser than his wife.

You’re right. I was having dinner with Zombie Carl the other night. You know, steaks, rare, and a bottle of vintage type A. He told me all his secrets, but too bad for you I...

We made love like two people trying to make love like three people in the trunk of a car.

A brick could be used to help you become the next Great American Novelist. Hopefully after you use it to crack your own skull, and not too long after your death, the public will realize...

I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.

A brick could be used to suppress the price of gold. But not for very long, because once the people realize the unrealized potential in undercutting the central bankers, gold will rise and fiat currency...

How rude of me, we haven’t even introduced ourselves. We’re the Andersons. I’m Evan, the lovely size-zero lass in the floppy sun hat is my wife Amy, and these are our best friends/children, Evan and...

A brick could be used like sandpaper, to smooth out a cat’s rough tongue.

You know how I think they choose people for Gryffindor team?” said Malfoy loudly a few minutes later, as Snape awarded Hufflepuff another penalty for now reason at all. “It’s people they feel sorry for....

No headboards were broken.

I promise you that I don’t want to be pegged, Isa.

Things Isabella Wouldn’t Care About: – Titanic sinking again. – Metror striking Earth and landing directly on top of world’s most innocent panda. – Titanic sinking again and this time the entire crew is puppies.

A brick could be used to separate two types of people. On the left is a guy who loves my writing, and on the right is a girl who loves my writing. Now I love...

When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.

A brick could be used to encourage trees to grow fruitful things like money. If money grew on trees, then I’d get drunk on that fermentation.

Wondering where Ranger was now, when I needed him. Why wasn’t he here, insisting on locking me up in a safe house? Now that my hamster’s cage was clean, I’d be happy to oblige.

A blanket could be used to announce your intention to announce your intentions. Make sure the blanket is neon orange though, or you might not get the attention you deserve.

I was momentarily stunned by his odd announcement and told him as much. “Let’s just talk about the fact that you composed a sonnet to my vagina, shall we? You are sending off some major...

A brick could be used to instill courage in the cowardly. But training must begin at birth, and the weak identified while they are still hiding in the womb.

You. Me. Exorcist.-Bones

A blanket could be used like cloud cover