By educating me at home, my parents were able to give me individualized attention without the usual distractions that kids in regular school experience, like dating and friendship. Not to mention that traditional school can...

Headline?” he asked.”‘Swing Set Needs Home,'” I said.”‘Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'” he said.”‘Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'” I said.

Hermione, they’ve got about twenty-six Galleons already. . . .

The pigs can’t stop the fox; I’m too quick,’ Takumi said to himself. “I can rhyme while I run; I’m that slick.

A brick could be traded for a soon-to-be abandoned baby. Let’s build a better future together.

I can’t imagine the scientists wanting me to walk into the lab and start fiddling around with some big bowl of electrons they had out.

A brick could be used to remind you. I would remind you of what you need to be reminded about, but that’s not my role—that’s the brick’s place.

Now it is easy to perceive that the moral part of love is a factitious sentiment, engendered by society, and cried up by the women with great care and address in order to establish their...

A brick could be used to decorate the interior of your anus. Here, bend over and let me demonstrate.

Diesel sucked air. “You keep fondling me like that, and I might have to marry you.””I’m not fondling you. I’m looking for the keys!””Could you look a little more gently? You’re scaring my boys.

A blanket could be used to foil slave traders. But so could tinfoil and leftover meatloaf. Geez, the whole Civil War could have been avoided if only Lincoln had known that little trick.

Mal snickered. “What’s so funny?””I just pictured the Darkling being cornered by a sweaty duchess trying to have her way with him.

Bricks could be used to stock vending machines. You may be out of a home, but I’ll never be out of bricks to sell you.

Sadness is like growing of hairs around our ass; we may not like it or want it, but it is surprisingly always there.

And you are going to close the gates, because I told you to close the gates.

If you turn into a hideous monster and I am sent to slay you, I will remember this and make it as painless as I can, out of respect for you.

That’s so cute! They have birdbaths in the church!

The music department is going to do a musical next year,” he tells me, rolling his eyes like I would.Justine is running toward me, and I can tell by the look on her face that...

A blanket could be wrapped around people who’ve recently been electrocuted, because I’ll bet it’s really warm under those covers. I’ve always wanted to roast marshmallows in my sleep.

There’s always someone we’d love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident

If I were to vote, I would intentionally vote for the goofiest candidate. It is my theory that when the people can outwit the leader, the more respected their voices will be.

Being diagnosed with spatial orientation phenomenon can turn a person’s whole world upside up.

Prove me wrong.

A blanket could be used as a trap to ensnare two entangled lovers. Using this method is how I found my current girlfriend and my new best guy friend.

You actually said the word effing.

Because any other female would!

Fred and George exchanged looks.”You don’t mind if we don’t kiss you, do you, Ron?” said Fred in a falsely anxious voice. “We could curtsy, if you like,” said George. “Oh, shut up,” said Ron,...

A totally nondenominational prayer: Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that I be forgiven for anything I may have...

Special Post-Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: “Eating Crow” This year, it just tastes like Seahawk.

A brick could be used as a deodorant deterrent. Just ask any stinky Congressman.

What? Quinn’s one of them? I just thought he was an a*shole!

Uh, puedo hablar con Andrew Nelson, por favor?” I asked, feeling like an idiot.”Quien?” “El americano,” I explained. “Muy grande americano.” In trying to describe my father, I sounded like I was ordering coffee. But...

Behind every successful woman, there’s a big prick.

Washington is a place where politicians don’t know which way is up and taxes don’t know which way is down.

Marathon tidying produces a heap of garbage. At this stage, the one disaster that can wreak more havoc than an earthquake is the entrance of that recycling expert who goes by the alias of “mother.

A brick could be used like the point where always meets never. I mean come on, who wouldn’t want to watch a brick levitate?

Are you in a suit?’ I managed at last, my voice choking up. ‘You didn’t have to dress up for me.”Quiet, Sage,’ he said. ‘I’ll make the hilarious one-liners during this daring rescue.

There was a profound silence, abruptly broken by an enormously loud rumble from George’s stomach. Plaster didn’t actually fall from the ceiling, but it was close.

She’ll soon forget.””Caddy,” said Saffron impatiently, “she is headmistress of the private school! She’s probably never forgotten anything in her whole life!

Nothing is worth having if it isn’t worth showing off…

Underwater, bubbles erupted before my eyes as a swift hand snatched my arm and pulled me to the surface. I gasped for air, coughing and gagging at the amount of water I sucked into my...

Everybody in!” I said.Which was when we discovered the final problem.Little Echos aren’t designed to hold six, count them six, larger-than-average-sized children.And their wings.And a dog.”This is like a clown car,” Total grumbled front my...

When they’re together, the world could fall apart around them and they’d never notice or care as long as they have each other.About Alex and Brittany.

Last night I was seriously considering whether I was a bisexual or not but I don’t think so though I’m not sure if I’d like to be and argh I don’t think there’s anything wrong...

A brick could be used as a status symbol, much like a Mercedes is now. The cool thing about a brick is not only would it have zero emissions, but it would also have a...

That’s not all I’ve got.

The na at the end of banana annoys me as much as it would you if it were bananana.

I have to put up a wall to put up with him. Not an invisible, metaphoric emotional wall, but a wall made of bricks. Those bricks could be used to keep out his bullshit. Bricks...

What the hell am I doing…? Escape holding myself as a hostage…? I won’t be able to make it like that…

She’d been in labor for nineteen hours; I completely understood why she wanted to pass the buck. ‘You are so beautiful,’ her husband crooned, holding up her shoulders.’You are so full of shit,’ Lila snarled,...