A woman is always better in everything with the mouth; she talks a lot.

A brick could be used to paint a mural of your favorite politician. It doesn’t matter how accurate it is, just so long as people can tell it’s a snake.

No one cares how long you kept yourself virgin and how loyal you are, everyone is looking for a hole to play with.

A blanket could be used to battle the cold, but not battle an army with swords, bayonets, and other sharp objects (unless the opposing army is armed only with sharp words).

Everyone talks about his funny throwing motion. But to me it’s an advantage. The ball gets out quick.

We men are fascinated by the things we don’t really understand. It gives us something to think and talk about: like females, they drive us nuts.

Would you settle for a bruised apple?”I laughed.

A blanket could be used as a screen to project animated bedtime stories onto, and also a place to project your fears about society not being accepting of adults who watch movies directed at an...

He checked out his surrounding. More books. A drinking fountain. A poster showing a guy slam-dunking a basketball with one hand and holding a book in the other, urging kids to READ! Weird, thought Steve....

Listen, Harr,y can I have a go on it? Can I?””I don’t think anyone should ride that broom just yet!” said Hermoine shrilly.Harry and Ron looked at her.”What d’you think Harry’s going to do with...

I’ve tried reading the Bible. I never make it past all the talk about the firmament. The firmament is the thing, on Day 1 or 2, that divides the waters from the waters. Here you...

A brick could be used as an identifier, for all those people with no real identities. I’m talking about clones, because just like bricks, each clone is exactly like the next.

Why would Dad call you? I mean, you have to admit that he would have been better off calling the local prison and asking them to send out one of the convicted killers to come...

A brick could be used to enhance your sex life. So what are you waiting for? Get that gerbil out of your pants

But though it had prevailed against such fierce adversaries as fire and flood, it had fallen victim softly and swiftly to television in the 1960’s.

I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?

Doris loves Superman as well.unfortunately, she got knocked down by a van last year, and it was a big, long recovery for her, really. It took about six months, didn’t it, before she was fully...

A blanket could be used as Concealment Revealer. It both conceals and reveals, like great dialogue. Here’s some great dialogue I wrote for two characters, Mr. Brick, and Ms. Blanket: Mr. Brick: I like your...

I want to be so famous that drag queens will dress like me in parades when I’m dead.

A blanket could be used to cure the common cold. I mean, come on it’s just common sense. A blanket is warm, and if a cold is what it’s named, then a blanket would transform...

I have no doubt that you are more than capable of bringing the Monsean queen and my son and the rest of my sons and a hundred Nanderan kittens through an onslaught of howling raiders...

A brick could be used as a flashlight. What, still dark? Check the batteries, because they may be dead.

God will break California from the surface of the continent like someone breaking off a piece of chocolate. It will become its own floating paradise of underweight movie stars and dot-commers, like a fat-free Atlantis...

A brick could be used as a key to unlock a door disguised as a brick wall. The security in the lock lies not with a one-of-a-kind key, but with a key that looks like...

I couldn’t think of anything helpful to say, so I resorted to humor, my shield of last resort. ‘Just please tell me they don’t have a dog and a picket fence.’He smiled. ‘No fence, but...

I built my marriage brick by brick. And I destroyed it blanket by blanket.

Make sure the seaweed lies flat.”Okay.”Leave an inch below the knee.”Okay.”It’s got to be loose enough to put a finger in the top.”Sean Kendrick.’ I say it emphatically enough that the stallion’s ears prick toward...

Honor is kind of what you get when you weaponize manners …

Why were you watching me change?” I explain. “Uh, ’cause I’m a guy?” He flips the pillow and slaps it, fluffing it. Then he rolls over and closes his eyes again.

Without comedy as a defense mechanism I wouldn’t be able to survive.

No need, no, need. Life is already too short to find it.

I love family reunions. Maybe next year we could pass out samurai swords.

Are you sure you can’t dematerialize? Not even a little?” “I’m sure.

He swiveled his head towards Eddie. “Tell me how to get over to the Four Lads. Do I have to die again?”If he did, he had a Beretta on him and he knew what kicking...

I never knew how much I missed pickles and pickle juice. It’s like, an overwhelming feeling that I can’t even explain.

She’s the kind of woman I could see myself spending the rest of my life with—after I turn 99.

I’m engaged, on the way to being married.

When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone in a dream, I saw the future.

Women KNOW, we just know. Even if we didn’t know, we would know. Men won’t get this, but women will..because we KNOW

Love waits patiently. In the lobby. I’ll be with you as soon as I can.

A brick could be used as a frame for a door, and the blanket could be used as the door.

Love speaks to the heart like a mime to a mute.

Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can’t help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to...

I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything.

I don’t think the heavy stuff is gonna come down for quite a while!” ― Bill Murray character in Cadyshack

Skulduggery.””Fletcher.”Fletcher stuck out his hand. Skulduggery observed it for a moment.”I’m sorry, what are we doing now?””Shaking hands,” Fletcher said. “Like adults. I just want you to know that this past year has changed me....

Extroverts communicate well with others, Introverts communicate well with themselves

She says, “I’ll swear by the rose tattooed on my ass, that old man raped me.”Here, the funeral parade stops. At this point, Comrade Snarky is a victim among victims. The rest of us —...

There’s a tavern by the docks. He’s there most evenings.””Then I’ll talk to him tonight,” Halt said.”You can try. But he’s a hard case, Halt. I’m not sure you’ll get anything out of him. He’s...

Personally, I think knees should be kept for the eight or ninth date, or the wedding day. As a nice surprise, you know? ‘Oh, my darling, you have knees! I never would have thought!