According to the rules of comedy, your suffering will be funny after an undetermined length of time. Maybe not while you’re having your gangrenous leg sawed off, watching your home burn down or learning how...

Ms. Fang is the nicest, sweetest teacher at Scary School. She only ate twelve kids last year.

Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear.

No one will laugh at how great things are for somebody.

My dad used to tell me that laughter was like a cough or a sneeze – the body’s way of trying to expel something. But instead of some phlegm in your throat, or some dust...

I have so much hate that it has turned into love.

I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

Wanted: Steel toed Bible thumpers to reach a monster truck mad world.

Humanity is a comic role.

I feel like there is something about having a copacetic world POV that helps in making a comedy. Like, David Wain has such a particular way of looking at the world. It helps when everyone...

Almost everybody gets tired and bored by one lackadaisical topic. If you hit them with something delicious, like a sexy adventure, then the world will want to hear you speak, mind you! Don’t become a...

Her dad turned to me. “You. Follow Me.””Woof,” I said.

You took a bath without me?”I smiled to myself at the accusation in his voice.

I definitely think that comedy is my niche.

98% of all comedians feel obliged to be funny when interviewed. Less than 2% succeed.

To observe reality is to change it. Especially if reality catches you observing down its blouse at work.

The map may not be the territory, but if the theory of a 2-dimensional holographic universe is confirmed, it means the territory is a map.

A typical breakfast for a CIA ops officer consists of a pastry and a piping hot cup of Armageddon.

Secret 4.1023020. War is politics by other meanies.

Is it because I’m invisible?

The unredacted text hides a black smudge mark.

I despise the ruling classes, but they’re required for my major.

Don’t hate the conspiracy, date the conspiracy!

You’re so vain, I bet you think this Special National Intelligence Estimate is about you.

The next afternoon I left work to find that my car had been broken into and ransacked — but that not one thing had been stolen. I was so insulted that I left a note...

When people get into their 30s plus “boyfriend” sounds weird…if you really think about it. Instead, I think we should universally start using the term “manfriend” or “snookie bookie cuddles pie”.

I like the rain. It washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

He had learned Lesson One: Let French women tell you what they want.

There’s always something interesting about comedy teams that have the exact same energy. The one time I really noticed that was Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly in ‘Step Brothers.’

Beetroot Cossins had moved to Kuala Lumpur where she had died of lethargy and pie.

Ah, man! This was my favorite shirt. Who tore it?” he asked, trying to pull the ragged edges together.

So, to sum up my room-clearing generalizations, men are in comedy to break rules.

It isn’t a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that’s beautiful.

I love comedy, but it’s dramas that stick with me.

We got there without being spotted. I pulled her in, then shut the door, pressing my back to it and exhaling like an epileptic pilot who’d just landed a cargo plane full of dynamite.

Meeting a vampire is kind of like a celebrity sighting, but where the celebrity possibly wants to kill you.

Are there not times, Ridley, when you yourself wish only to hear the best in people – and not to be dragged downwards into the underworld we all regularly inhabit?

[When I spoke to Jane Lynch at the premiere of the R rated sex comedy,] The 40 Year Old Virgin, … Oh, goodie!

I want to entertain people, whether it be with a comedy, a drama or a movie. An idea’s an idea.

Some things are so silly they have a certain brilliance to them. Other things, set as standards for brilliance and therefore exalted by many who don’t know why, become tarnished because of it.

I don’t appreciate people who celebrate their dog’s birthdays with “dog parties,” and then invite their friends who don’t even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more...

I think he’s the most intelligent man I’ve ever met. Honesty, simplicity and truth are the secret to his comedy.

A Wasn’t just isn’t. He just isn’t present. But you… You ARE YOU! And, now isn’t that pleasant!

I started to crawl off; then I remembered my leftover pizza, and I peeled off the salami, pepperoni, and anchovies and placed them on the CD tray (whicn no one used these days with flash...

I was afraid if I started talking in front of the crowd, they’d all laugh at me. And guess what? They did! Oh it was horrible. I’m never going to do stand-up comedy again.

Life is something that no one can teach you,You have to learn it.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

If you don’t fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working

It was the first time her eyes had really met mine and to be honest I think there was more warmth between the lamb chops in the freezer.” Daniel meeting Felicity in Cousin Felicity and...

Who are you and how did you get in here?” “I’m a locksmith. And, I’m a locksmith.