I’m willing to forgive and forget, but damned if I’ll be forgiven and forgotten.

Saw a headline: ‘World’s Ugliest Dog Dead.’ Not believing it for one minute.

Secret 1.93. The professional intelligence officer assumes nothing. The successful professional intelligence officer assumes less than that.

Anybody I can hold a candle to, I drip hot wax on.

I believe the examination of body image issues is important and valuable – particularly the swimsuit issue.

Secret 955-39. That it is what it is does not imply that it isn’t what it isn’t.

Twas Thomas Edison did declare that waste is worse than loss yet never thought it fit to pare his first name to Tomás

Those generic avatar images for uploading a personal photo are really convenient for me, because my face looks exactly like that.

Infiltration is the sincerest form of flattery.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA.

Finally, we entered Chetaube County, my imaginary birthplace, where the names of the little winding roads and minuscule mountain communities never failed to inspire me: Yardscrabble, Big Log, Upper, Middle and Lower Pigsty, Chicken Scratch,...

I asked you a question. What are you doing here?”Resting his elbows on the side of the tub, he smiled lazily. She hated it when he smiled lazily. “Waiting for the bubbles to evaporate,” he...

Some guys step on a rake in the dark, and get mad and go punch somebody. Others step on a rake in the dark and fall down laughing at themselves. I know which kind of...

Toasting a witch”, St John replied.

Ma la virilità si è tutta smammolata in coccolette; il coraggio svaporato in complimenti, e gli uomini sono diventati tutti lingua, come dei pappagalli ammaestrati. Oggi è più valente di un Ercole chi sa meglio...

After all, this was the place where I’d had my first meaningful conversation with a female, it was the site of a football’s first encounter with my groin, and above all, it was the location...

That’s why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping.

To be honest, I don’t know how comedy works.

The Internet is a great place to find unconventional comedy that you can’t find anywhere else.

I noticed Xander had subtly adjusted his posture. He slouched slightly to the side, let his head hang, and then looked up through his bangs to gaze at something in the middle distance. Uber James...

And don’t drop food.

I’m a laugher and a lover of comedy.

The Ultimate Rule ought to be: ‘If it sounds GOOD to you, it’s bitchin’; if it sounds BAD to YOU, it’s shitty. The more your musical experience, the easier it is to define for yourself...

This comedy show will end.The endless streams of tears of a 79 year old woman are now enough for her to wash her swollen feet.

Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on “play dates,” or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a...

He said he wouldn’t stay, as he didn’t care much for the smell of the paint, and fell over the scraper as he went out. Must get the scraper removed, or else I shall get...

So what we are right now is a pair of dickweeds in a hotel room in Sydney. My life is royally fucked up right now and from where I’m sitting, your life is even bloody...

Even amidst tragedy there is laughter, sometimes farce. The degree of farce depends on who is running the tragedy.

Ethics”, and I said, Sure, I might enjoy a bit of stand-up comedy.

The point of tantric sex was supposedly to harness sexual energy to awaken higher consciousness. It was just like yoga, but way more fun.

I was hoping that the appeal of the show would stretch beyond the anglophile and comedy-obsessed.

You gonna do somethin’? Or are you just gonna stand there and bleed?

here’s why I take comedies seriously: they present and celebrate the world in which we survive our own and others’ mistakes, follies, transgressions, and deep sins. However lightly, dimly, or bleakly, comedies revel in our...

Because I’m not really certain she’d make the best travel partner through a zombie-infested city, he hissed. She gets confused by Scrabble.

Facebook should start publishing breakup stories. ‘So and so and so and so are no longer in a relationship.’ With a tombstone next to it.

In college, my teachers were usually after me for going after comedy too much, leaning too much in that direction.

I couldn’t have made a better shot, if I had been one of those detectives who see a chap walking along the street and deduce that he is a retired manufacturer of poppet valves named...

Roses are red, Violettes are bllue,Valentines day is consumerous crap,now don’t you have ironing to do”Unlikely thing to read in a valentines day card

There are many other little refinements too, Mr. Bohlen. You’ll see them all when you study the plans carefully. For example, there’s a trick that nearly every writer uses, of inserting at least one long,...

Secret 80916003. If it doesn’t hurt when they snatch it, it isn’t worth dangling.

The rain in Ukraine falls mainly on the insane.

When you’re still typing ‘whilst,’ someone else has already finished typing ‘while.

Here’s a creepy web trick: do a Google image search on ‘my grandma.’ … It’s her, isn’t it?

If you can’t be with the √-1 you love, love the √-1 you’re with.

The Central Intelligence Agency is a CIA front.

Secret 737160022162. It’s unthinkable only to the extent it’s doable.

I didn’t come from a broken home – more like deliberately imploded.

When my mother passed away several years ago—well, wait a minute. Actually, she didn’t ‘pass away.’ She died. Something about that verb, ‘to pass away’ always sounds to me as if someone just drifted through...

Some parts of the Bible I find a little troubling. For example, if Jesus really believed in nonviolence, why did He destroy the Death Star?