So, to sum up my room-clearing generalizations, men are in comedy to break rules.

MmmmmmI like that thing you do with your tongue. What do you call it? Speaking? Yeah, I dig it

is there any I could get a glass of water?”[waiter]There is no way… I toss and turn many a night trying to think up some way some how I could get glasses of water to...

We got there without being spotted. I pulled her in, then shut the door, pressing my back to it and exhaling like an epileptic pilot who’d just landed a cargo plane full of dynamite.

Meeting a vampire is kind of like a celebrity sighting, but where the celebrity possibly wants to kill you.

Are there not times, Ridley, when you yourself wish only to hear the best in people – and not to be dragged downwards into the underworld we all regularly inhabit?

[When I spoke to Jane Lynch at the premiere of the R rated sex comedy,] The 40 Year Old Virgin, … Oh, goodie!

I want to entertain people, whether it be with a comedy, a drama or a movie. An idea’s an idea.

Some things are so silly they have a certain brilliance to them. Other things, set as standards for brilliance and therefore exalted by many who don’t know why, become tarnished because of it.

I don’t appreciate people who celebrate their dog’s birthdays with “dog parties,” and then invite their friends who don’t even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more...

I think he’s the most intelligent man I’ve ever met. Honesty, simplicity and truth are the secret to his comedy.

A Wasn’t just isn’t. He just isn’t present. But you… You ARE YOU! And, now isn’t that pleasant!

I started to crawl off; then I remembered my leftover pizza, and I peeled off the salami, pepperoni, and anchovies and placed them on the CD tray (whicn no one used these days with flash...

I was afraid if I started talking in front of the crowd, they’d all laugh at me. And guess what? They did! Oh it was horrible. I’m never going to do stand-up comedy again.

Life is something that no one can teach you,You have to learn it.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

If you don’t fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working

It was the first time her eyes had really met mine and to be honest I think there was more warmth between the lamb chops in the freezer.” Daniel meeting Felicity in Cousin Felicity and...

Who are you and how did you get in here?” “I’m a locksmith. And, I’m a locksmith.

It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!

Better you than Cameron ” McGillicuddy grumbled. “I know where Cameron’s been.” Sean snorted. Cameron said “I already told you I did NOT come on to Lori.

I’ve never heard of a man’s cock being described as a fang before. – Rapahel

Whoa, don’t assume, dude,” Marco said. “My mom always said, when you assume you make an ass of u and me–

How often are we reminded that what matters in life can’t be quantified (I’m referring to the annual per capita frequency, to two decimals).

If you had a tattoo that said ‘Top Secret,’ where on your body would it be?

Secret 0.59179. When an asset quits, make sure to collect their cover docs, commo hardware, and any countries they were running for you.

Secret 9791422.1. If it can’t end well, don’t end it.

Secret 12916062. Dress to impress, assess, access, possess, and egress.

Live fast, die young – which is it going to be???

Tomorrow belongs to those who prepare for it today” today. Prepare today and then tell them tomorrow.

How can it be a CIA client state when CIA is paying for it?

Intelligence Forecast of the Week: Quantum physicists will discover that the hokey pokey is actually more than what it’s all about.

Not to be judgmental, but one thing I frankly find offensive is people who stand on street corners shaking cups with coins in them. … I mean, hey, I have money too, but you don’t...

Situation comedy on television has thrived for years on ‘canned’ laughter, grafted by gaglines by technicians using records of guffawing audiences that have been dead for years.

The real mystery isn’t what’s under the redaction mark, but what’s above it.

True, beneath the human façade, I was an interloper, an alien whose ship had crashed beyond hope of repair in the backwoods of Southern Appalachia—but at least I’d learned to walk and talk enough like...

She deliberated too much afore making decisions; he acted on instinct. He liked Oreos, she preferred pasta worms.

I want a baby of my very own one day, but it seems that my being male is a BIIIIT of a problem.

…his knees were held together by the skin-tight trousers, which consequently narrowed the aperture through which great quantities of malodorous, rancid dreck were shortly to emerge with great force. St John knew that this was...

Sir, he hath not fed of the dainties that are bred in a book; He hath not eat paper, as it were; he hath not drunk ink; his intellect is not replenished; he is only...

[The cats] scamper in front of my legs, causing me to fall and face plant into whatever furniture is closest. They especially like to play this game when I’m carrying piping hot coffee.

It isn’t a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that’s beautiful.

I love comedy, but it’s dramas that stick with me.

Well I was much too practical to presume to have a career in comedy.

Comedy is second nature for me.

His manhood sways briefly, then comes to a standstill.

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.

I really don’t get this whole oranges thing. It’s like, does he want to eat them or go out with them?

It faintly irritated him that Zaphod had to impose some ludicrous fantasy on to the scene to make it work for him. All this Margrathea nonsense seemed juvenile. Isn’t it enough to see that a...

One of my biggest problems with comedy was that I did not understand some of the jokes.