My number one fear is heights. Well, not so much the heights but the falling from heights. Actually the falling isn’t that bad (I have a strong heart), it’s the sudden stops that are painful....

If secrecy is the beginning of tyranny, declassification is its apotheosis.

Less road rage – but also, how about less road beatitude.

Secret 318040. You can’t plug a leak without getting your fingers wet.

Secret 2591. If you can’t assure, obscure.

The Amish purposely wear drab clothing to discourage lust. If they want to prevent lust, why don’t Amish people just walk around naked?

To not wear anything, and to wear nothing, are not the same.

The statements I provided under oath were not false, they were substantially mispronounced.

Sweet memories of youth. Swimming down at the swimming hole. Going fishing down at the fishing hole. Having sex down at the sex hole.

The truth can never hurt a just cause. The cause’s security team will intercept the truth long before it gets close enough to pose a threat.

The possession of facts is knowledge; the use of facts is wisdom; the creation of facts is covert action.

Primark ’till I die

You want me to pin my entire operation, the entire revolution on some teenaged love story? I can’t believe this.

Unhealthy behavior is actually common among doctors, who tend to know a lot about medicine but very little about health.

I enjoy doing physical comedy.

In Bollywood, I think Boman Irani and Vinay Pathak are unbelievably good at comedy.

He shook his head. “The next time I hear a women going on about how neurotic men are, I’m going to remember this. You tell me you like my body, and what do I say?...

You can’t fight hatred with hatred and expect anyone to listen to you. You can only try to lessen it with humor, wit, truth and commonsense. If that doesn’t work run like hell, while they...

Yeah. The tax that men have to pay for not having to menstruate every month. Or risk getting pregnant. Or deal with the physically stronger sex in a macho world… Women have to put up...

Every day is a surprise. There are confirmations of an interconnectivity and synchronicity which inspire, titillate and confirm the inherent comedy of the universe.

Come here, let me share a bit of wisdom with you.Have you given much thought to our mortal condition?Probably not. Why would you? Well, listen.All mortals owe a debt to death.There’s no one alivewho can...

The Merchant City has some great venues for comedy. We want to show a bit of everything that happens in Glasgow’s comedy community.

There was a sea of change in comedy in the late 1950s and ’60s. We were dealing with vignettes as opposed to jokes. We were more socially aware.

It’s late and most of the clerks are at home in their beds, dreaming of swimming in pools filled with real money.

Maxwell D. Kalist is a receiving teller at a city bank, Orwell and Finch, where he runs an efficient department of twenty two clerks and twelve junior clerks. He carries a leather-bound vade mecum everywhere...

In geometry, whenever we had to find the area of a circle, pi * radius squared, I would get really hungry for pie. Square pie.

Go fuck a cactus, classless cunt.

Laughter is the best medicine

It’s true—there are only, like, two songs about rainbows, including that one. He should be asking why there are so few songs about rainbows.

When I was in eighth grade, I used a self-timing camera to take nude pictures of myself in various stages of erection. I then exchanged my biology teacher’s slides with the images. The teacher, in...

Adams dealt him so sound a Compliment over his Face with his Fist, that the Blood immediately gushed out of his Nose in a Stream. The Host being unwilling to be outdone in Courtesy, especially...

[T]he most comic things of all are exactly the things most worth doing–such as making love.

My family’s always been really funny. I feel like comedy’s hard. I feel like it’s so important.

Aren’t you something,” Grandma said. “I never saw a midget up close.” “Little person,” Briggs said. “And I never saw anyone as old as you up close, either.

I’ve been trying to get into comedy for years. I had a meeting with one of the networks a couple years ago, a general meeting, and when they asked what I was looking for and...

…Daisy doesn’t even go to his funeral, Nick and Jordan part ways, and Daisy ends up sticking with racist Tom… you can tell Fitzgerald never took the time to look up at clouds during sunset,...

I really think if you take away a character’s obstacles then there’s no comedy.

When you keep a secret from your parents, you’re not trying to protect yourself. It’s because you’re trying to protect them.

A smaller rocket cut across the sky, trailing smoke. It exploded in a red heart.”A!” said the crowd.”Upside down,” said Sean.The heart was, indeed, upside down. It grew and grew, upside down, until it’s lights...

Suddenly, however, the dastardly department of my personality presented two plans, one of which involved dynamite, mustache wax, some rope, and train tracks . . . which I rejected due to financial investment.

Comedy is not funny. Comedy is hard work and timing and lots and lots of rehearsals.

I’m so out of shape I take steroids just to watch sports.

The following information is classified Third Eye Only.

During our visit, we noticed she was mixing up words. She started referring to Muslims as Mormons. After 9/11, she told Jon and me how it was important for America to stop the radical Mormons...

People who need people who need people need the luckiest people in the world.

The problem with the Peter Principle is that it assumes somebody somewhere is competent in the first place.

No easy answers? I know plenty of answers that’ll do it on the very first date.

The Covert Comic: glans clitoridis of America’s intelligence gap.

Don’t try this at home. Do this at home, or do this at home not, there is no try.

Regifting is its own rereward.