It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!

Better you than Cameron ” McGillicuddy grumbled. “I know where Cameron’s been.” Sean snorted. Cameron said “I already told you I did NOT come on to Lori.

I’ve never heard of a man’s cock being described as a fang before. – Rapahel

Whoa, don’t assume, dude,” Marco said. “My mom always said, when you assume you make an ass of u and me–

How often are we reminded that what matters in life can’t be quantified (I’m referring to the annual per capita frequency, to two decimals).

If you had a tattoo that said ‘Top Secret,’ where on your body would it be?

Secret 0.59179. When an asset quits, make sure to collect their cover docs, commo hardware, and any countries they were running for you.

Secret 9791422.1. If it can’t end well, don’t end it.

Secret 12916062. Dress to impress, assess, access, possess, and egress.

Live fast, die young – which is it going to be???

Tomorrow belongs to those who prepare for it today” today. Prepare today and then tell them tomorrow.

How can it be a CIA client state when CIA is paying for it?

Intelligence Forecast of the Week: Quantum physicists will discover that the hokey pokey is actually more than what it’s all about.

Not to be judgmental, but one thing I frankly find offensive is people who stand on street corners shaking cups with coins in them. … I mean, hey, I have money too, but you don’t...

Situation comedy on television has thrived for years on ‘canned’ laughter, grafted by gaglines by technicians using records of guffawing audiences that have been dead for years.

The real mystery isn’t what’s under the redaction mark, but what’s above it.

True, beneath the human façade, I was an interloper, an alien whose ship had crashed beyond hope of repair in the backwoods of Southern Appalachia—but at least I’d learned to walk and talk enough like...

She deliberated too much afore making decisions; he acted on instinct. He liked Oreos, she preferred pasta worms.

I want a baby of my very own one day, but it seems that my being male is a BIIIIT of a problem.

…his knees were held together by the skin-tight trousers, which consequently narrowed the aperture through which great quantities of malodorous, rancid dreck were shortly to emerge with great force. St John knew that this was...

Sir, he hath not fed of the dainties that are bred in a book; He hath not eat paper, as it were; he hath not drunk ink; his intellect is not replenished; he is only...

[The cats] scamper in front of my legs, causing me to fall and face plant into whatever furniture is closest. They especially like to play this game when I’m carrying piping hot coffee.

Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you’re the one getting slapped with the stick.

Good man and bad man with money goes a long ways.” ~ Amunhotep El Bey

Well I was much too practical to presume to have a career in comedy.

Comedy is second nature for me.

His manhood sways briefly, then comes to a standstill.

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.

I really don’t get this whole oranges thing. It’s like, does he want to eat them or go out with them?

It faintly irritated him that Zaphod had to impose some ludicrous fantasy on to the scene to make it work for him. All this Margrathea nonsense seemed juvenile. Isn’t it enough to see that a...

One of my biggest problems with comedy was that I did not understand some of the jokes.

Comedy, of course, lives for serious moments.

You know, we’ve got to this place, where you go to a movie for one particular surgical fix. So, it’s like, I want the pulse-pounding action, or the insane falling-off-my-seat comedy, or the devastating, heart-breaking...

Life is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel.

When I left school I was full of angst, like any teenager, and I channeled it all into comedy.

It’s kind of got everything – good comedy, good drama, good romance – and I can see why Julia Roberts would be attracted to it. Everybody gets to play two parts. You get to play...

Quiet, everybody! Quiet! Well, Sir, we’ve been getting along pretty good for quite a while now, and we’re certainly much obliged. Remember, all we ask is to just go along and be happy in our...

I should have known that having “end of the world” sex wouldn’t solve our problems. Though, it was pretty great and I highly recommend it.

I have a phonetic fetish. All I want is to find a man whose last name ends in ‘Vrski’ and marry him. Try saying VRSKI. Oh, don’t be a tight-ass. SAY IT. Don’t you love...

I feel that the work that I have done in the comedy arena, is priceless in terms of what I learned, timing, everything that these incredibly talented performers were generous enough in teaching me.

If you don’t want me to attend the patient I’ll go.”But she can’t see a doctor now.”Why not?”She isn’t well.

Perriwickturned to Penelope as he set the tray down on a table. “If I might be so bold, my lady-“”Perriwick!” Blake roared. “If I hear the phrase ‘if I might be so bold’ one more...

To see a man slip on a banana skin is to see a rationally structured system suddenly translated into a whirling machine.

The State Department said no American is proud of CIA interrogations. OK, so we’re not as good as the Syrians at it, but we’re not that bad.

It seemed harmless enough until she misplaced her “Dildo” and started calling the neighbors to ask if she could borrow one of theirs!

Is this safe for work, and is this safe for work? – CIA security officer, examining employee’s personal safe with racy calendar attached

I admire women who tweet about their sex lives. Talk about serious multitasking skills.

The Law of Meetings: Few are the meeters, many are the meetees.

Some case officers drink to spy better. The best case officers spy to drink better.

You run away to join another circus.